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Rolling with the Punches

posted 10th August 2009    Written by: Robyn    CATEGORY: All Posts, Quarterlife Crisis, Robyn, Season 1

robyn-5Things are constantly changing and the effect this has on a person really depends on how well you roll with the punches.

Somewhere along the way as I was growing up, I was taught that I always needed a “plan” — that I needed to know where I was going and what my goals were and how to achieve them.  Getting “off course” or running into bumps in the road completely caught me off guard and left me unprepared.

I entered high school, joining club after club and sport after sport in preparation for college.  I wanted to appear involved and well-rounded in my college applications.  After four years of high school, I entered college doing the same thing.  I joined clubs and took honors classes and picked a pretty major — all with hopes of future employers finding my resume to be impressive.

After doing some job hopping and trying to play the “real world” game, I’ve realized I’m so sick of sticking to plans and doing things that look good for people I really don’t care to impress.

“Going with the flow” and “playing it by ear” are underrated. Why not be flexible and see where that leads you?  It could be somewhere much better than where your plans would have taken you.

Changing your thought process and current mindset is the hardest part, but once you really take control of that part of your life, it’s worth it.

I’ve mentioned before that I think I made this change after traveling.  I woke up each morning with no plans and without a clue of where to start.  I learned to roll with the punches.  What do you do when you are in an unfamiliar city and you don’t know a single person?  It forces you to just see what happens and be open to wherever the day may lead you.

I remember being in Franz Josef, New Zealand.  It was my second week apart from my travel buddies, and I was beginning to feel a little lonely.  I was also in the smallest city ever with only one restaurant, one gas station, and one hostel.  Most travelers head there to do the glacier hike, and I had already done that.  I had one day left, and I found myself bored.  I asked a man on the street what he would recommend I should do with my day.  He laughed and told me: “Look around!  This is it!  Go!”

Without a plan and without some tour mapped out in front of my face, I was missing what was all around me.

New Zealand is gorgeous… breathtaking and untouched.  I followed the man’s advice.  I looked around.  I hiked down a trail, following a small stream and ended up at a dead end, having to turn back.  On the way back I got lost and ended up coming to an open spot surrounded by trees where various people were building fire pits and setting up tents.  I had stumbled upon a “jam party.”  As the sun went down, more and more people came — many single travelers and everyone looking to share a common, new experience.  We stayed up drinking Goon (cheap wine out of a box), getting to know each other, exchanging travel tips, and listening to people’s jam sessions.

Just what I needed.  Just what I was looking for.  Random.  Entertaining.  Incredible.  Unplanned.

robyn-bio1

Photo credit: geoftheref

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My Dream Day 10 Years in the Future

posted 7th August 2009    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: All Posts, Molly, Tips & Tools

Dock DivingOne of my favorite activities that we do in Lifestyle Design is to write little story called  “A Day in the Life of Me”.  Here’s the challenge I pose to my girls: What would your best life actually look like on a day-to-day basis 10 years in the future? Where would you be?  Who would you be with? What would you be doing?

Most find it a hard exercise to complete, especially those who are stuck in the “I don’t know what my best life looks like, I just know it’s not this” phase.  They feel like they don’t even know where to begin…  Others don’t want to put it down in writing (thus making it “real”) because what happens if it doesn’t come true?  Won’t that make them feel like a failure?

My responses:

To the first group who don’t think they know what their dream day would look like: Try it anyway.  Concentrate on feelings you would like to create & experience instead of the concrete facts you fear you don’t know.

True- you may not know the exact job you want in 10 years, but I bet you do know that you want to use your creativity, work a 4 day work week & be surrounded by smart like-minded professionals.   Maybe you don’t know who your partner or husband will be or if you’ll even want one- but I bet you do know that the significant other in your life will be sexy, honest & independent, and that your relationship will be one of love, trust & adventure.  You might not know where you want to live, but I bet you do know that you need a walkable neighborhood, incredible sunsets & a killer gelato shop nearby.  Obviously, you’ll need to fill in your own details.

Don’t worry about the big facts if you don’t know them– go for little details and the essence of your best life.  Work in the small things that you want present: a morning jog, time to write, or a loving home.

To the second group who are scared to record their dream day in case it never happens: Trust.  It’s true that we have very little control over the actual events of our life.  Who are we to predict a illness, lay off or shot gun wedding?  But why should that stop you from putting out to the Universe what you desire?  Operating from a place of fear is bound to make your life scary.  Operating from a place of hope & positivity opens up doors.

I’m not asking you to write your best life down and then reject everything along the journey that doesn’t agree with your vision.  I’m just asking you to have a clear idea of what you want at this moment in time.

I find it incredibly rewarding to do the inner work that it takes to recognize your future self.

So what does my dream day look like 10 years in the future?  It feels a bit odd to share with this large of an audience, but if my day inspires you to sit down and write out yours- awesome.  If you need more support and exercises to help you– we’re taking registration for October’s Lifestyle Design!  And preorder prices (valid through August 17th) are up for the online version of the course!

A Day in the Life of Molly: August 7th, 2019

I wake up early in a sun drenched room with bird noises, white sheets, and the Big Man.  He strokes my hair while I snuggle up for a little longer.  I feel loved. Soon enough, I’m waking the kids up and they’ll begin their tornado morning routine.  Luckily, I’ll be off for a  neighborhood run with some exercise pals, while the Big Man makes them breakfast.

As I come back from my run, I notice the house is clutter free, modern and filled with photos and art from our travels.  Kisses and homework checks for the kids and then I walk them to the bus stop. Home again,  I sip green tea, eat fruit & eggs & sit for my morning meditation.  I feel full of vitality.

The Big Man leaves for the office. I shower, dress in my walk in closet with a mini chandelier & emerge in jeans & funky flats.  I feel creative.  I head back to my office, which is nestled in our backyard, full of sparkly lights and a vegetable garden.  I’m working on a new woman’s retreat in Montana and it’s finally coming together!  Seattle Magazine calls to interview me for a piece on women business owners.  I feel successful.

Meet my sister for lunch at some adorable cafe.  Sparkling water with lime and something delicious to eat.  She just got a huge promotion at her job, so we start planning a vacation to Mexico to celebrate!  Surfing, dancing & margaritas– here we come!  I feel adventurous.  Call the Big Man- have him schedule Mexico in his calendar.  It’s on!

Put in another few hours of work, writing & prepping for teaching a new course the next day.  Complete letters of recommendation for my summer interns- what an incredible group of women!  Put in a quick call to my financial planner to follow up on some investments.   I feel balanced.

I pick the kids up from their after school activities  in my environmentally friendly car and we meet the Big Man at a friend’s house out on the water.  BBQ, laughter, good friends.  The kids are having a blast swimming and jumping off the dock.  I decide it looks like fun and dive right in!  I feel playful.  The adults have a great conversation about the education, politics, and big dreams. I hold the Big Man’s hand the whole time.  I feel connected.

A sleepy family finally makes it home after a full day.  The sun is setting.  Kids to bed after storytime, songtime & snuggles.  Hot sex with the Big Man.  To bed with a calm head and happy heart.

I know, I know, it’s not very exciting.  Some may even say- shock- traditional!  But remember, I said typical day.

You know me, of course I’m after adventure as well!  I want festivals and summitting peaks and acting on stage again and another trip around the world– but if my day-to-day ended up something like that, I would be incredibly grateful for my beautiful life.

What does your dream day look like?  Come on’ ladies!  Lets see them!

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I’m Going to the Chapel, but I’m Not Getting Married

posted 6th August 2009    Written by: Marisa    CATEGORY: All Posts, Marisa, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1, What I've Learned

vegas cakeWhen I was a little girl, I never had those fantasies or dreams about getting married.  I never played out the scenarios of the bride and groom in the chapel, toys walking down the aisle and whatnot.

And I never really questioned it.  Until now I suppose.

My cousin Andrea, my last single female cousin from my huge, fantastic crazy family is getting married later this week.  Up until this point I have been pretty much indifferent about it.  It’s not to say that I’ve been indifferent about my cousin or the fact that she’s found love and has been planning this event for what seems forever, but I’ve just been indifferent about the idea of a wedding itself.

I always said that if I ever got married it wouldn’t just be once and they all would probably take place shotgun style back at home.  And home is not any old place in the USA.  I’m from the conservative Las Vegas: Reno, Nevada, where you can get married in 15 min.

And get divorced in 10.

It’s funny (not funny haha, but sad funny, like a long-winded *sigh*).  I grew up with parents who probably should have never gotten married in the first place but remained together for the “sake of the children” which in turn resulted in a later divorce while I was in college.

Is this direct influence a cause for my current opinion of marriage?  Well yes, probably.  Are they happier now than before? For sure. Even my brother and I have better relationships with our parents individually now.  It’s quite nice actually to know your parents are living more positive and happier lives than what you remember…

I joke about multiple marriages and having shotgun weddings at that little white chapel downtown because I don’t know if I believe in the whole marriage thing. I don’t even know if romantic true love exists; I usually file it under social misbeliefs like the supernatural and “God”.  I believe in what I can touch, feel, breathe and taste.

This Quarterlife Crisis has changed and pushed me to believe more in myself.  It has definitely cemented the fact that this one and only life of mine shouldn’t be wasted on sadness and depression.  It’s pushed me to believe that I can find happiness.

And perhaps, just maybe, that may involve someone else.  Someday.

And so that’s why I stop now and think about Andrea’s wedding a little bit differently.  She’s honestly happy.  Completely and utterly content with getting married and being married.  And I’m kind of jealous.  She’s gotten to that point in her life where she can give a part of herself to someone else spiritually and even legally.

I know I’m not there yet and to be truthful, I question if I ever really will.  But I’m getting okay with that and with whatever else happens in my life. I work better alone, live a pretty awesome life alone and have been fortunate enough to befriend wonderful people who will be there for me years down the road.

So yeah, to each his- wait, to each HER own…

marisa-bio1

photo credit: Jason

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Till Death Do Us Part is Scary

posted 5th August 2009    Written by: Andrea    CATEGORY: All Posts, Andrea, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

Runaway Bride When I was in college, no–go back even further–in high school, I knew that getting married was not something I considered in my immediate agenda.

When my girlfriends and I would ride the bus we’d gossip about who would end up with their current boyfriends and who wouldn’t. Even then, I knew that the boy I dated in high school would not end up my husband. (That’s a seriously terrifying word to say, isn’t it!?)

In college I dated a few people, nothing extremely serious, but it was then that all of my girlfriends started getting very serious with their respective beaus. This used to really bother me because all of my girlfriends are insanely smart. We were all honors majors and talked about all the awesome things we planned to do with our careers after graduation.

Well, I moved to DC and they moved in with boyfriends.

Careers became a different priority for them and the men in their lives became number one. If I had a man in my life, I’m sure I would have been the same. They are lucky to have found their soul mate and have a career…

A few weekends ago I went to the first of my girlfriends’ weddings. I was so excited flitting around taking pictures I didn’t have time to react. My mind was also flitting around. It was hard to keep it calm. But the minute I saw my girlfriend walk down the isle in that white dress it was like a wave washed over me. Everything from that moment on seemed so surreal. When they were announced as a married couple for the first time, it seemed so weird to me! She has a different name now!

Of course, I ended up reflecting on my own romantic situation. And I had a little bit of a crisis.

I thought back to the men in my life I have uttered those three little words to and which ones I could “see” myself with in the end. There was only one. A someone I dated a few years ago that I truly thought I could marry. It was the first and only time I had that feeling.

Needless to say, things didn’t work out (it was for the best) and I am dating someone else now. My current man friend, guy-I-am-seeing, whatever you want to call him in lieu of boyfriend (because that word is not part of my current vocabulary) has been a part of my life for years as a friend and lately a tremendous help throughout my Quarterlife Crisis as more than a friend. It’s been a rough ride for Daniel and I from the beginning, mostly due to my chaotic head.

My theory behind that challenge is “Nothing in life that is easy is worth it.”

Daniel lives in Austin, Texas so we struggle with the distance. (This is why I didn’t bring him to the wedding. If he was there, I would have been in a much calmer state. He has this uncanny ability to calm me down just by being there.) We don’t have a traditional relationship and when I was sitting at the wedding reception it was hard for me to evaluate where he and I stand in terms of, “till death do us part.”

With him, I try to focus on the present. Right now, he is one of my best friends. He loves me for the person I want to become and he loves me for the crazy person I am right now. I’m not sure if we have that long-term kind of connection though, and this is what makes my brain run in circles. I have a tendency to always look to the future, especially when it comes to males and relationships. And if I can barely image the idea of my wedding, there is no chance I can even come close to picturing the person I’d marry!

At my girlfriend’s wedding I came to the conclusion that if (and that is a HUGE if) I ever do get married it won’t be traditional at all. I would be able to handle a boy, a beach and some booze. Maybe some friends, definitely some family. That’s it. No fancy dresses, frilly flowers and unnecessary spending and stress.

My biggest hang-up though is not the cost of a wedding– it’s the permanence of marriage.

Talk about scary! I am one of the most independent people you will ever meet. I think the fact that I was born on Independence Day only adds to my forthright demeanor. I’m not afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I’m afraid of being with the same person each and every day. I’m afraid I’ll get bored and not able to have my own life.

I was having panic attacks at the wedding and ended up text messaging my mom throughout most of the night, in hopes she would calm my mind. She and my father have been married 29 years.

I remember I wrote to her, “Mom, this is way too scary. I don’t think I can do this,” to which she responded, “Andrea, no one said you had to. You can do whatever you want to do as long as it makes you happy.” (It’s reasons like this that I love my mom. She is more than a mom, she is one of my best friends.)

Am I the only one who is terrified of the words fiancé? Wedding? Or the phrase “As long as you both shall live?” Please tell me I am not!

Andrea (new) bio.


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Less Virtual, More Reality

posted 4th August 2009    Written by: Kendra    CATEGORY: All Posts, Kendra, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

One of my favorite Calvin and Hobbes strips is the one where Calvin points out that nothing helps a bad mood as much as spreading it around. It’s funny because it’s true.

As an official member of the unemployed class (my internship has finally ended) the one upside to my unemployment is that a lot of my friends are too. This makes me feel like less of a loser.

If my brilliant, funny, talented friends are having as hard a time finding a job as I am, well, clearly I’m not the problem. Right? Right!?

While I find a certain comfort in my friends unemployment (although I hope they all find fabulous jobs), what I’ve lately found discomforting is Facebook. This tool for connecting both friends and vague acquaintances can sometimes feel like a tool for self-flagellation when my feed informs me of a flurry of recent nuptials, births, home purchases, exotic vacations, law school acceptances and other oh so joyous occasions.

Retch.

It’s not so much that I want what they have. It’s just that sometimes, at the risk of sounding petty, I get tired of being happy for other people. It’s not a jealousy thing. In fact, I’m perfectly content with their happiness. But I’d be more content if they chose to be happy somewhere else.

Once again in the misery loves company vein, I find that I’m not alone in this sentiment. A good friend of mine recently admitted that she rarely logs into Facebook because constantly being inundated with other people’s good news depresses her. Her own closet admission, makes me wonder, why can something as banal as Facebook be so, well, irksome when you’re in flux?

As my friend Rachel pointed out to me recently, “It can be annoying to see happy little family photos, just as I’m sure it can be annoying for my friends to see happy singleton photos when they are married. There’s such a thing as TMI and Facebook is great at it.”

But I think that’s only half the story.

For the most part, what Facebook gives us is the happy bits of people’s lives.

It doesn’t tell us that the acquaintance who just got married doesn’t really love her husband, but that she gave into social pressure and settled. It doesn’t tell us that the person who seems ebullient over his law school acceptance doesn’t actually want to go to law school. In other words, Facebook is like the reality television of life – what it presents is real, but edited down and filtered to present one’s best possible self. And inundated with the perception that people we at least sort of know somehow manage to navigate life without the banal everyday lows of a quarterlife crisis, can leave those of us in the depths of our QLC feeling like a starving kid staring through a window at the rest of the world devouring a five star feast: hollow.

There is something to be said of using willful ignorance to preserve one’s sanity. In much the same way that the 24 hour news cycle has given us information without context that study after study has shown only serves to amplify mistrust and fear, I think the constant overexposure into windows of acquaintances lives can convince us that everyone else is happier and more together than they really are.

I’ve given this some thought and I’ve decided that to both preserve my own sanity as well as my ability to appreciate other people’s joy I’m going to dial down my exposure to the virtual reality of Facebook.

I’m going to spend more of my time living life instead of Facebooking about it.


photocred: Marius!!

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