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Do We Have Control Over Our Lives?

posted 16th September 2009    Written by: Andrea    CATEGORY: All Posts, Andrea, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

findyoursoulHmm… Now this is really a loaded question: Do we have control over our lives? I took a lot of time to think about this and honestly my answer changes on a daily basis.

For most of my life, I think that I was under the impression that Yes, we do have control over our lives. That was my answer, until I started to lose control over my life about a year ago, at the advent of my Quarterlife Crisis…

Since then I have learned a thing or two about life!

One of which, being we do NOT have control over most aspects of our lives.

I have learned that we can control our actions and our reactions but we can not control what happens in the world around us or the people that may walk in and out of our lives.  All of these factors affect who we are, so in essence, we are constantly changing based on the environment which surrounds us.

Over the past year, I have been struggling tremendously with the issue of control… I still am.

So far, the most important lesson I have learned is, that at this point in my life, it is better to shake loose that idea of having 100% control. When I try to plan my life, it never goes the way I expect and that often leaves me stressed, disappointed or frustrated.

I tried something new a few months ago and started to push away those thoughts or attempts to have control 100% of the time.

I am not superhuman, I am not perfect and life does not always go as planned. A lot of times I use the mantra, “It’s okay, everything will be okay,” just to remind myself that no matter what happens the sun will rise tomorrow. And tomorrow will be a new day, a fresh start and a different take on life. No matter what happens it can be fixed, there is always a plan B or even a plan C.

Ironically, I have been so much happier since I lost the idea of total control. Don’t get me wrong though, I still have challenges: some days I feel my life is totally spiraling out of control and other days I feel completely balanced and at ease.  It’s been a roller coaster ride for me the past year and I’m not done yet.

Control is a tough topic. I think its different for everyone. I don’t have an answer yet to whether or not I have control over my life.

I’m leaning toward, “No, I don’t” and accepting that LACK of control may just be what life is all about.

Andrea (new) bio.

photo credit: mythoto

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Give up Control: Embrace Chance, Coincidence and Oppurtunity

posted 15th September 2009    Written by: Kendra    CATEGORY: All Posts, Kendra, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

checkersEvery culture has a story. It’s what unifies a society, and it is a story that we unconsciously seek to enact which consequently affects our behavior, our choices, our hopes, dreams and ways of interacting with the world.

The US has several cultural stories, but the one that I struggle with the most is the idea that we have control over our lives.

Because, mostly, in a large scale sense I don’t think that we do.

This is not a fatalist worldview, or even one borne out of victimhood. It’s just that the world is so big and there are so many variables –people, weather conditions, bowls of soup- that the idea that we can control for all of these variables is to me, the ultimate act of ego.

My personal experience and those of my friends only seek to bear me out.

I don’t know anyone whose life has turned out the way that they planned, either because life changed their views and their expectations (and thus changing their plans), or life changed the plan: accidental pregnancies (despite vigilant birth control use), surprise firings (despite getting the ‘right’ degrees from the right colleges). If you factor that very few people are so controlled to never step off of the path of a planned life, it seems silly to think that we can control our life.

In my own life I’ve found that the more I seek to control circumstances and outcomes, the more my life falls apart.

Now, I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I think we have some control over our life – how we choose to respond to the curveballs that life sends in our general direction for example.

But instead of thinking of life as a game of checkers in which every outcome can easily be predicted and a perfect game exists, I prefer to think of life in terms of gambling. The house makes the rules, and the odds are clear – based on that knowledge we can choose how much and when to gamble, but we also accept that there is always a chance that things may not come out how we hoped, for better or for worse..

But it is my own personal belief, that unlike in Vegas, the house of life has much better odds if we just open ourselves open to it.

Call it God, or the Universe, or the Great Spirit but I don’t think that we were put on this planet to suffer and we don’t have to if we stop being so wedded to things happening in a certain way, in a certain order.

Instead we can keep our eyes open to allow ourselves to embrace chance, coincidence and seemingly magical opportunities that appear if leave ourselves open to them.

kendra-bio1

photo credit: Steve Beger Photography

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Do You Put your Life in the Hands of Fate?

posted 14th September 2009    Written by: Robyn    CATEGORY: All Posts, Quarterlife Crisis, Robyn, Season 1

Molly posed a question this week: “Do we have control over our lives?”

It made me consider some popular sayings that are thrown around from time to time:  If it’s meant to be, it will happen. Things will work out for the best. All sayings we have heard before… Maybe even sayings we tell ourselves and pass along to others.

How often do people decide to surrender all control and put their lives in the hands of fate?

While I am a firm believer in fate, I also think that a person can’t solely rely on fate to get what they want out of life.  I’m actually reminded of a scene in the movie Can’t Hardly Wait. I’m pretty sure I am the only person in the world who quotes this movie regularly, but here goes…

There is a scene where Ethan Embry is sitting on a bench next to a phone booth talking to a bachelor party stripper dressed as an angel. (Okay…I just now realize how ridiculous this movie sounds…) He is painfully in love with Jennifer Love Hewitt and convinced that it is no coincidence that their paths have crossed so many times throughout high school. The stripper offers him a valuable piece of advice that I am now passing on to you.

She says, “There is such thing as fate, but it only takes you so far and then the rest is up to you.”

Angel Stripper

Jenna Elfman in Can’t Hardly Wait

I think this is probably the only time in my life when I will quote a stripper, but point is…  I think she’s on to something.

It’s nice to believe that you won’t miss out on good things because there is some unavoidable destiny that is meant just for you. It’s nice to believe that inevitably some things will just happen for you because it is written in the stars…or whatever. However, you can’t sit back and wait for opportunities to fall into your lap. If you want something then you have to go after it and take control of it.

Maybe fate can lead you to realize what you want or what kind of person you are looking for, but after that… you need to make it happen.

In a couple weeks it will be exactly two years since I backpacked Australia and New Zealand. It was something I knew I wanted to do, but I never took the idea seriously until a spam ad for a flight special to Sydney popped up on my computer screen while I was doing data entry for my crappy job.

Fate? Perhaps, but I was the one who took the initiative to do something with the offer. I called up my best friend, booked the flight, and began saving.

So, to answer Molly’s question: I feel like I do have control of my life to a certain degree. I know I have the right intentions and some good ideas that will eventually get me to where I want to be. It’s the lack of money and lack of time that I can’t control that holds me back from taking off.

Hopefully my fate is to win the lottery in the near future. (!)

robyn-bio1

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Why I Love Portland, Oregon

posted 10th September 2009    Written by: Marisa    CATEGORY: All Posts, Marisa, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

paint1I love my city. It’s true; we’ve been seeing each other for a while now and even though it hasn’t been that long, I’m in love.

Portland and I just celebrated our 3-year anniversary this August.This city has been something that I never knew I needed nor could ever imagine existing. I feel like a grown-up here, I feel content and fulfilled.I feel like me here.

From my ridiculous food allergies to my love of music, my wants and needs have been fulfilled in every way. Case in point: on August 16, 2009, I was part of once in a lifetime event. A couple of years ago, my amazing friend Nilina created these music and artistic movements called Lost Gospel. She’s able to get local musicians and artists to perform for free at different, sometimes difficult, locations throughout the city.

It’s because of her idea, her brilliance and motivation that on that Sunday, I had one of the best times of my life and was unbelievably lucky to be a part of it.

The concept was to paint with Explode Into Colors. Explode Into Colors is the darling band of Portland for 2009. They were voted Best New Band back in April and have since then conquered throughout the Northwest. And to top it off, my drum teacher is the amazing Lisa of said band and I sometimes have to pinch myself while she’s teaching.

I still can’t believe I had the cajones to ask her for lessons and I can’t believe she actually agreed to teach me. It’s not hard to be in a band here; practically everyone and their mother are in bands, but the key is to be in a GOOD band where you succeed in creating good music and creating good art.

laying downNilina asked me to be a part of this event since I know Lisa and I could help with the set up. Since the concept was to paint with the band we needed paint, canvases and white clothes. We were to pull all of this off without any permits, not get shut-down by the police and to wrap everything up within a couple of hours. I had never accomplished anything like this before. It was, to say the least, stressful but the excitement and anticipation were overriding the fact that we could get shutdown. I didn’t care in the end; I was helping to create art.

And somehow, some way with luck on our side, we pulled it off. The art and music gods gave us a perfect Portland summer day with sunshine, sans rain. Outside on the blacktop we laid painters plastic down and scattered canvasses so those attending could splatter paint. I wore all white so I could be a canvas, and we went mental in the best way possible.

It was so exciting and such a rush to see people come out of their houses to hear the music and participate in the painting. In the end, we were doused in paint and everyone walked away with having one of the best times of his or her lives. There was so much positivity, so much creativity and acceptance. It was inspiring.

So yeah, my city and I are exclusive now. I’m now dreaming of what I can do to top that Sunday.

And it seriously won’t be hard. To be honest, there’s always something around the corner here, waiting to inspire you and push you to your creative side. And that’s why I love Portland.

Well, it’s one of the many things I love about this city, but on Sunday in a very sweet and weird way, I felt like it loved me too.

marisa-bio1

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I’d Take A Friend That Is One In A Million, Rather Than A Million Friends

posted 9th September 2009    Written by: Andrea    CATEGORY: All Posts, Andrea, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1

Throughout this summer, I spent a few weekend back in my small home town outside of Buffalo, NY to spend time with family and friends. Usually, I pretty much end up doing a lot of thinking and eating. I always try to sleep a lot too, but that never works.

One weekend was for my Gramme’s 70th birthday party. It was a Mardi Gras theme and we had about 100 jello shots and the first keg my house has ever seen. (Seriously, I did not grow up as a big partier, so this was a big deal for my dad to have a keg at the house.)

The other weekend was to help my roommate throw a bachelorette party for her best friend.

On both of these trips I got to thinking about my friends. Growing up and even now, I wouldn’t necessarily say I have a ton of friends. I mean, I do have friends, yes, but only a few that I can count on my hand that are truly my BEST friends in the entire world. Two of them live back home and the other is here with me in DC.

Not to say that other friends aren’t important, I love them all, but these three are extra special. You know, like they-could-be-my-sister special.

littlejessme-and-erin

Erin, Me & Jess. My Best Friends.

When I was in middle school and high school I was a classic dork; I was shy and did really well in school. I envied those girls who had the huge group of friends and could call them all up on three-way conference call after school. I even envied those girls in college too. The ones that found each other at freshman orientation and were attached at the hip until they walked across the stage at graduation four years later.

I have never been one to be part of a large group… but there are time s when I wish I was. I feel sort of feel like I missed out.

Looking back, I wouldn’t trade any of my friends or acquaintances for the world though, and I know that lots of times people who have large groups of friends don’t get the benefits of close relationships. So, in that regard, I am very thankful for my few friends. They will be part of my life until we are all old and grey.

Every time I go home I know my two friends are so excited to see me and it makes me realize how awesome, true and genuine they are. We could stay up for hours just talking and catching up. It’s nice, because even though I live thousands of miles away from them, the minute I set foot back in my hometown its as if I step back into my old life and my friends and pick up right where we left off. I hope it stays this way for the rest of our lives regardless of where we all end up.

Deep down, I know it will.

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