A Bad Year

posted 3rd November 2009    Written by: Kendra    CATEGORY: All Posts, Kendra, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 1, What I've Learned

LeapingLeap and the Net Will Appear

My twenty-fifth year was the year that I made a not-so-unconscious decision to live a little dangerously.

What, I thought, was the point of a pre-planned life?

So even though the longest I’d ever continuously been away from my family was three months, I took a job teaching English in Bordeaux, France knowing I’d be away from home for at least seven straight months.

Everyone kept asking me if I was scared, but the truth was I was thrilled. Why would I be afraid?

If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much room.

There is, floating around a hard drive somewhere, a picture my friend Susan snapped of me mere minutes before I leapt out of a plane strapped to the back of a tiny, crazy, Hungarian man. I like to think that I am facing the camera with something akin to steely eyed determination; Susan says that I was terrified. The truth is I didn’t have any of the sensations I associate with fear: my heart wasn’t pounding, my mind wasn’t racing. It was the exact opposite of fear, I had made my decision and I was at peace with it. My mind was clear. In the video footage of my jump the only outward display of emotion is my eyes rolling into the back of my head as my body somersaults from the plane.

I even remembered to pull the cord to open my parachute.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear, except for fear of a life half-lived, was never something that shaped my life. I loved the future, I yearned for tomorrow, certain that it would unfold to bring me a largesse today simply did not hold.

This past year I did a whole lot of leaping and the net never seemed to appear.

Nothing dangerous happened, but my esteem took a bit of a pounding: could I have seen these things coming? Should I have seen them coming? Did I bring about these problems? And for awhile, when I was really into self-pity (full disclosure: I’m still prone to wallowing), replaying the tragedies of the past year, I felt justified in my newfound fear of the future.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

After all, hadn’t I been through a lot?

Actually, no. The funny thing about hindsight is that we’re selective in what we choose to remember.

Yes, my experience living in Washington, DC was my own special circle of hell, but when I decided that I needed to leave the net did appear: in the form of the perfect subletter who fortuitously signed a sublease the day before my next month’s rent was due, and never caused a lick of damage. And even DC wasn’t all bad, my French class was fun, my roommate, a computer science student from Siberia was amazing (we still keep in touch), and Halloween was a uniquely fun day.

When I was determined to go to Dublin for New Years I found a crazy job decorating Christmas tree wreathes (no joke) that gave me enough cash for a plane ticket and beer and allowed me to discover the joys of drinking vodka while doing outdoor work.

And when I was so riddled with loneliness (for the first time ever) while living in Montreal that I thought I might actually die from it, I was given Van and Abi, Jen and even, Andrew and the fortune to discover the wondrous joy of living with guys (J-Y, Christian and Yoshi this is your shout out).

In other words, last year was really not that bad; I just remember it that way.

So I’ve been trying this new thing, when my mind goes to the bad  from the past year (which, when you’re unemployed with an uncertain future & a boring present  you have a lot of time to ruminate over the past), I swing it around to the good, before trying to redirect myself to the now.

And it’s working… kind of.

kendra-bio1

photo credit: artbandito

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Comments (11)

11 Responses to “A Bad Year”

  • nicole antoinette Says:
    November 3rd, 2009 at 11:20 am

    This post is absolutely gorgeous. Just the inspiration I needed today, actually.

  • Doniree Says:
    November 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm

    I absolutely LOVE this. I’m currently crossing my fingers for EXACTLY that same subletter situation, as I jumped and am waiting for a net :)

  • Star* Says:
    November 3rd, 2009 at 4:59 pm

    Girl, You are amazing! What a insightful post! You can do anything… I’m gonna start with more of mine own, do anythings! Thanx!

  • Kendra Says:
    November 4th, 2009 at 5:42 am

    Awww you guys are awesome. Thanks for the kind comments, and Doniree good luck with the net! :)

  • Kaela Says:
    November 4th, 2009 at 8:25 am

    I did something similar when I quit my first real job and backpacked in Australia for four months. I got into some debt, but I learned SO much about the world, and more importantly myself. And I figured out what I really want to do in life. It took me some time, but three years later I’m starting to do it – I’m writing a book about my experience and am working on becoming a full-time writer! So even though there were times, like you, that I was dying of loneliness, and even though I got into a cycle of debt, I don’t regret one second of it. Except for perhaps, all the shopping :)

  • Annemarie Says:
    November 4th, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    I love this line: If you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up too much room.

  • Matt Says:
    November 4th, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    …and yet another moment I am thankful I know YOU, Kendra. Well said. I am sorry that I am not making it out to see you like I was anxious to do; despite thinking I made the right choice (for reasons I’ll explain after our game of phone-tag), I am especially more sad after reading this, I know I would’ve thoroughly enjoyed every moment with you. Thanks for this!

  • Molly Hoyne Says:
    November 5th, 2009 at 10:00 am

    It’s hard when you feel knocked about by things “out of your control”, eh? Keep returning to that knowledge that you are powerful, fearless, gutsy, a total rockstar in your own right…

    I am totally positive that your time will come. SOON. xoxo

    I love your self-awareness Kendra. And the beautiful way you share it with us. Thanks.

  • Kendra Says:
    November 5th, 2009 at 8:23 pm

    Annie, that line is not my own sadly, although who precisely said it has been lost to us by time.

    Matt & Molly <3 thanks :)

  • aBk Says:
    November 18th, 2009 at 2:31 pm

    ♥

  • Giving Thanks | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    December 1st, 2009 at 10:01 am

    [...] it is plain, old-fashioned ingratitude,” and I’m inclined to agree. As I’ve already touched upon, in the accounting of our memories we’re often more inclined to remember the bad stuff than [...]

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