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Self Trust: How to Practice Trusting Yourself

posted 26th February 2010    Written by: Molly Hoyne    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Tips & Tools

How’s your power of self trust?

Do you have trouble making big decisions for yourself, by yourself?  Do you feel the need to crowd source your next step, your vacation destination, the decision to quit your job?

When you asking others for their opinions, listing out the pros, the cons and the justifications– Are you looking for inspiration? Confirmation of a decision?  Or are you seeking the ability to blame someone else’s instincts should things go wrong?

Gaining a wider exposure to options is amazing.  The access to information we have at our fingertips is extraordinary (and overwhelming!). Soaking up knowledge from someone who’s “been there, done that” is useful.

But…  Letting your Twitter followers make major life decisions for you is a sign that you don’t trust your own instincts.  Relying on your parents or your partner or your gaggle of girlfriends to “decide” points to reliance. 

Remaining in a constant state of indecision is draining on you and all those in your life.

We’re so used to looking outside ourselves for answers, perhaps we’ve forgotten we’re capable of making decisions for ourselves!

We have to trust in our ability to handle what life throws at us, to make the big decisions on our own.  If we don’t have that self trust, we’ll be walking around in a state of fear, a cloud of dependence.

Do we not trust ourselves because we’re constantly bombarded with messages that we’re not enough? Not pretty enough?  Not productive enough?  Not successful enough?

What happened to knowing, at the deepest level, that we ARE enough?

“I am larger and better than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness.” —Walt Whitman

Any of this ringing a bell?

I don’t have the end all, be all answer.  In fact, I’m writing about self trust because I’ve spent the last few weeks in a needy state of  “But what should I do?  How do I choose?  What happens if that’s wrong?  What if I fail?  Just tell me- what would you do?”

Ugly, I tell you.  The Big Man would agree…

So, I’m owning it.  I’m trying my very best to rely on the faith I have in myself.  The knowledge that I can handle whatever life throws at me. It’s my life after all.  I need to practice turning inward for the answers, trusting myself at the deepest level.  How?  Read on, sista’, read on.

How to Practice Self Trust

Pay attention to your physical reactions.

Start at the most basic level by really getting in touch with how your body feels.  Does one option give you a lift in your heart, a feeling of lightness?  Does another cramp your stomach?

I manifest stress through tightness in my shoulders and neck, resulting in massive headaches.  When I recognize that I’m suffering from my stress headaches, I have to ask myself- what is wrong?  Where is my life out of touch with my values, my personal integrity?

Consult your heart, not just your head.

Many of us well-educated women make all of our decisions with logic.  “It only makes sense to do… “Logically, I should…”  “It would be stupid not to…”  We have confidence that we can make the best decisions through excel spreadsheets and polls, on expected returns and majority opinions.

But you can be a confident, deliberate woman and still not trust yourself.  Self trust is not the same as confidence. As Jack Gibb writes in Trust “Confidence is more cerebral, more calculated, and based more on expectations than trust is. Trust can be and often is instinctive…. It is something very much like love.”

Have you ever walked into a new place, a new city and felt a sense of recognition?  Or met someone who feels like an old friend?  Pay attention to that reaction- your heart is trying to tell you something!

With decisions, can you access your intuition?  Your heart’s sense of right or wrong? Free from journaling is an amazing way to access your heart’s answers–no editing, no thinking too hard–just asking yourself a questions and letting an answer pour forth.

Make the decision already

The anxiety that accompanies ”indecision” can be debilitating and distracting.  It can go on so long that eventually you just accept it as your natural state.  Except that it isn’t…

When you’re not making a decision, it may be a case of your head battling your heart.  Or it may be that  choice conflicts with all the advice you’ve been given.  Allow for other’s opinions.

But then make your own.

Sometimes just making the decision, diving in, trusting your gut is the best thing to do.  Stop justifying your reasons for waiting, for pausing, for gathering more information.  Trust, baby, Trust.

It’s all within your power.

“When we trust ourselves, we can better navigate the waters of challenging emotional times-when we feel lost or grieving, angry, or afraid-believing somewhere in our hearts and souls that we will make it, even if we’re not sure how or when. We’re safe in our own care.”  –M.J Ryan

photo credit : chandrika221

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How to Be Self Employed & Uber Productive – Sort of…

posted 24th February 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Job/Career/Work, Season 2

Being self employed is seriously hard.

Not that I really consider myself self employed.  One would assume that if you’re self employed, you’re making money.  I’m not.  Let’s be honest about that.  I’m working my ass off from the comfort of my home, for nothing more than the satisfaction of doing exactly what I want.

Seriously.  That’s it.

Hopefully, one day, someone will pay me for my hard work.  For now, I’ll have to settle for satisfaction.

So back to why it’s hard to work for myself. Actually – let me first tell you the perks.  For starters, my boss rocks!  She let’s me come in when I want, take breaks when I want, take long lunches, waste hours on the internet and leave when I want.

How’s that for freedom?

What’s the downside to having the best boss in the world?  Well, it’s all this damn freedom.  Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE it.  But it does take a bit of an adjustment and some serious self-discipline not to blow the whole day Facebook stalking old flames and watching Gilmore Girls reruns.

Seriously, I thought I would leave my job and immediately move into being uber productive and massively efficient. I would redesign my website on Monday, write a novel by Wednesday and be a bestselling author by Friday.  Sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?

Okay, perhaps I’m exaggerating a bit.  But I really did think that switching from being a micro-managed employee to someone who works for herself would be simple.

I’m not finding it so easy.

I’ve always been great with time management.  I’m a ninja multi-tasker, and I kick ass when it comes to productivity. Being productive, no sweat!

But I find that I excel most when I have a deadline.  In this new venture, I have no deadlines (no real ones anyway).

I need to give myself structure – to schedule my days in ways that keep me working and productive, to stop getting sidetracked by every little thing that crosses my path.

A few “self-employed” things have helped so far:

  1. Although the thought of it made me want to vomit a little, I decided to go back to getting up early and using my alarm clock. As much as I resisted, the fact is, I have to actually be awake in order to benefit from the extra hours I get from not having a day job.
  2. For some of my work, writing in particular, I have to be alone. This is a tough one.  My fiancé and I live together in a tiny one bedroom apartment.  He also happens to be in between projects at the moment (leaving the military and waiting for his residency to start), so he’s home all the time too.  I thought this fact would be the most fun ever – and it kind of is.  Except that it’s totally distracting.  To solve this, I’ve started assigning myself dedicated hours for writing – in which I shut myself in the bedroom and don’t come out until I’m done.  On a side note, I’ve also found that a laptop, a bed and a boatload of pillows make for an uber comfy work space.
  3. I discovered a super simple program for writing called Dark Room (Write Room on Mac). When viewed in full screen mode, you see nothing on your computer but a black background and the text that you’re typing.  This is seriously good for those of us prone to distractions (like shiny buttons, formatting options and that ever-calling internet browser).   I didn’t believe it would help until I tried it for myself.  Now I’m hooked.

So that’s where I’m at so far.  I’d love to hear some of your ideas.  Have you found ways to stay on track and keep productive when working on your own projects or being self employed?

[Editor's Note:  Just in case you lovely people haven't checked out Heather Rae's personal blog- do it!   You can follow more of her adventures and reflections as she writes a novel, travels the world and pursues her passions. And bonus of all bonuses- today she wrote about her experiences thus far with the Joy Plan!  Personal values, anyone?]

photo credit: blustar_tam

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Letter To My Younger Self

posted 23rd February 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

Dear 8th Grade Nicole Antoinette:

First and foremost, enjoy your last year living in London.  You don’t know this yet, but you’re going to be moving back to the states next summer and it’s going to be a really difficult adjustment.

With that said, keep in mind that the adjustment will be easier if you don’t spend the entire summer hiding in your new house making collages because you’re too intimidated by how skinny and blonde everyone is in California.

The first friends you meet in California will not be good or true friends, but don’t worry, halfway through Junior year in high school you’ll meet amazing people and they’ll make the trauma of an across-the-Atlantic-ocean move worth it.  Appreciate these friends, but don’t get quite so cliquey.

Which is to say that maybe referring to yourselves as “the Cool 6” out loud and in public isn’t the best way to go.

Let’s see, what else? Oh, right, when that cute guy tries to pick you up on the street at the church carwash, don’t give him your number.  He will ruin a large part of your life.

Stop saying “like” so much.

Keep a journal, and when you’re writing in it, try to write about things other than boys.  Write about your family and your friendships, write about your goals and your fears.  Try not to be shallow.

You are not fat. No, really, you’re not. No, not even a little bit.

Be a little more open minded about colleges.  Yes, NYU is great, but other schools are great too and are worth looking at without the “I don’t care because if I don’t go to NYU I’m going to die” blinders on.

Don’t drink mass quantities of vodka and cranberry juice on an empty stomach when Marc is house sitting.  You have only drank twice before and have no idea how to hold your liquor. Purple vomit isn’t pretty. Your friends cleaning up your purple vomit is even less pretty. Eat a sandwich and have a beer instead.

Apply for more scholarships. Repaying your student loans is such a heinous and financially debilitating suckfest and it will eat up a huge portion of your income from after you graduate college until forever.

Push yourself.  Break that awful habit you have of immediately quitting/giving up on things that you aren’t instantly and naturally good at.

Be more compassionate of your mom when she’s hospitalized.

Don’t buy so many shirts from Abercrombie & Fitch with tongue-in-cheek sexual sayings on them.  A reference to water polo girls “doing it better in the water” isn’t cute on a 16 year old.  Actually, this shirt isn’t cute on anyone. You don’t even play water polo. You don’t even know how to play water polo.

And you look like a slut. So yeah, cut that shit out.

Work on not taking everything so seriously. I know you have never been good at moderation (I hate to tell you that unfortunately, this doesn’t change, you simply become more aware of the problem and discuss it endlessly with your therapist), but try.  Not everything is the be-all-end-all of your existence.

Take more pictures.

Do not allow yourself to get dragged into the mess between your parents.  When your mom tries to overshare about it, tell her that although you love her, you want to preserve your mother-daughter relationship.  Tell her you love your father and that you feel she’s crossing the line.  The payoff from this will outweigh every other piece of advice I could give you.

And, lastly, I want you to know two things: that you’re responsible for your own happiness, and that the things you think are earth shatteringly important usually aren’t.

The best and most important moments are those that happen on the sidelines, on the fuzzy edges of everything else.

Love,

Nicole, age 24

photo credit: lowjumpingfrog

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The $480 Anger Theory

posted 18th February 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Katie, Season 2, What I've Learned

I never really considered myself an angry person, so when I was seeing a therapist last year and she told me I had “anger issues”, it took all of the energy in the world not to kick her in the head walk out.

She, of course, could see the hostility in my face, and she went on to explain that I don’t have a violent anger problem;  I do the exact opposite.  I hold it in and direct it internally, which is equally as damaging – but only to myself.

She then asked me to define anger. I said something obvious like “to be mad”. She kept pushing me to refine my definition, telling me that I was naming emotions, but I needed her to shine the light on it.

“Anger is not getting what you want.”

It took me a few moments, weird looks directed at her, and thoughts about how she was a quack, but I eventually understood.

All of the times I’ve been angry, it’s been because I’ve not gotten when I wanted. Whether it was attention from a significant other, silence when I’m trying to work, or money when I’m low on funds,  it’s been because whatever I wanted, I wasn’t getting.  The anger part of it all was simply an emotion.

I had to go to the root of the problem to solve it.

That same day in therapy I made some breakthroughs and realized where my anger was coming from. It could be attributed to regressing all of my feelings from childhood. I felt kind of… free when I realized this. My therapist was super supportive too. She even “promoted me”.

“I think we should meet once a week instead of once every other week.”

It’s funny how the same words coming from a potential love interest would have me smiling from ear to ear, but coming from Dr. Mental Sortout, I felt like the slow kid in class who had to stay after school and be enrolled in “Special Gym”.

(Yes, special gym exists. My 4th grade gym teacher made me go because I wasn’t able to run a mile or bend all the way down and touch my toes like the other kids. Hello, “not being good enough” complex.)

For as long as I can remember, when I would wake up in a bad mood, or a not-so-awesome moment strikes me, I’d  instantly get huffy and puffy about it.

I hate being in a bad mood and I’m not afraid to show it, even if it means that I give the people around me little dose of New Jersey attitude. It doesn’t exactly make the situation better, but when I’m in a bad mood, I don’t want to see other people’s shining and glorious faces. It’s like eating lots and lots of candy in front of a diabetic – sad and cruel.

Especially when you’re the diabetic, or in my case the angry one.

In honor of my therapist’s brilliant breakthrough I figured I would humor her and give her whole theory a whirl. After all, I might as well make the most of that $120/hour that I’m spending on each (then weekly) session. If the reason for anger is the fact that I’m not getting what I want, then why I don’t I just, you know, get what I want. I decided that the next time that I was angry, I would try and pinpoint what it was that I wasn’t getting, and find a way to get it.

I found myself getting pretty angry at a lot of things. The house was too noisy for me to work in. Instead of screaming and yelling for quiet, I put some relaxing music on my iPod (Kenny G. Don’t Judge Me) and worked through it.

I found myself angry that I didn’t have any money to go out on a Friday night. Instead of becoming a whiny little girl, I decided to take that Friday night to find some freelance side jobs and put that money into a “Girls Night Out Fund.”

I was angry because I had a horrible headache, but had a lot of work to get done. Instead of sitting in front of the computer angry, straining my eyes and head further, and being non-productive, I took an Excedrin, took an extra little nap and e-mailed my clients and told them I was under the weather.

So, I had my anger in check. Score!

And it only took me $480/month to figure that out.

Recently I’ve found myself in more bad moods than good moods. Even the bright sunny days have me down in the dumps and wanting to disappear under the covers. According to the “Therapy Theory of Anger”, I’m apparently not getting what I want.  Surely, on rainy days, I’d rather have some sun.

However, I can’t control this. I wish I could. So, maybe it was something deeper. What the heck was it?

After some soul searching I figured it out.  When I was going through my depression last year, I spent my days just trying to get from one day to the next. Now that I’ve “come out of it’, living day to day just isn’t cutting it.

I want something else, I want more,  I’m not getting it, and I’m pissed about it.

This realization doesn’t have a solution.

But I’m working on it. Instead of sitting around wondering where the universe it going to take me, I’m taking life by the balls and making things happen. I’m saying ‘yes’ to things I typically wouldn’t.

I’ve decided to move clear across the country next year to a city I’ve never been to, and don’t know anyone in. Are these the things that I want? Maybe.

But there’s only one way to find out.

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Coming Full Circle (My Childhood Definition of Success)

posted 17th February 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Season 2, What I've Learned

When I was a kid and people asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, I answered with whatever I thought was fun at the moment.  I went from wanting to be a ballerina to a soap opera actress to a fashion designer to an architect.

I had a lot of interests.

Then sometime in high school, things changed.

I would think about my future career and had this vague notion of what the work would be, but what I really thought about was what I would get from it – a corner office, tailored suits, a nice car, prestige.

I was taught that fun and pleasure seeking were somehow synonymous with being being irresponsible or immature. Plus, that’s right about the time I realized just how poor my family was.  I became somewhat obsessed with the idea of doing better than my parents when it came to finances.  I didn’t want to stress over paying the mortgage.  I didn’t want to stress over putting gas in the car.  I didn’t’ want to stress over buying groceries.

And so my focus changed – I stopped thinking about having fun, and I started thinking about making money.

I think this was where I began to lose myself.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with making money.  We all need it to some extent, and feeling comfortable with your ability to pay the bills certainly helps to put your mind at ease.

Studies have shown that once you reach a certain level of income, everything else is just cake.  At that point, your happiness is due to other factors and has little to do with money.  And that level of income – it’s not that much. Really, it’s just enough to live modestly without stressing about paying the bills.

I’ve come to realize just how true this is.  Since finishing grad school, I’ve had two jobs.  The first was an exceptionally well paid position with a local nonprofit.  I know, sounds like an oxymoron – how can one work at a non-profit and be exceptionally well paid?  It turned out they were paying for my sanity, as they had every intention of taking it. Looking back, I credit that job with teaching me that money isn’t everything.

I decided I’d rather make less money working somewhere that didn’t provide a straight jacket as part of the uniform.

And that’s where my last job came in.  I worked at a great university that was a five minute drive from my house.  I purposely sought a position that, although didn’t seem the most exciting, wouldn’t stress me out.  The pay was okay and came with the added perks of being able to bike to work and go home for lunch.

In short, I picked a job that would allow me to have a life. And, as far as sanity goes, it was a better choice.  The only problem – it really was boring.  Looking back, I credit that job with teaching me that I really do want to stretch my mind and be challenged in my work.

And so, in the five years since finishing grad school, I have slowly come full circle.

In a way, I’ve felt myself becoming a kid again – seeking a life that is filled with fun and endless possibilities.

I’ve realized that money truly is not everything – that the ability to buy designer clothes, purchase a large house and drive nice cars has absolutely nothing to do with happiness.

For me, happiness has more to do with fulfillment on a personal level.  It has to do with finding work that is meaningful to me, taking part in activities that align with my own values and building lasting relationships with other people.

I want my life to be full of creativity, adventure, friendship and love.

And that’s what this next phase is all about – seeking personal fulfillment.

The idea that happiness comes from material success?  I dumped that with yesterday’s trash, right where it belongs.

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