My Biggest Fan

posted 10th February 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

My fiancé is my best friend.  We’ve been together for seven years.  I tell him everything.  Seriously, it’s true.

I tell him when I come up with a really bad plot for a novel, when I dream up my next crazy adventure, when I’m frustrated with life – you name it, I tell him about it.  Even when it’s inappropriate – like, “Hey honey, you would not believe, I totally have a crush on some guy!”

As a couple, there are two rules we follow:

1. Be honest.  About everything.  Never leave anything out.  Don’t even tell a white lie.

2. Never, ever yell.  I mean never.  Never ever.

That’s it.  Those are our rules.  Everything else is minor.

I learned a long time ago to let go of unrealistic expectations. There’s no way to really know where our relationship will take us or how our future will look.  We both recognize the delicate balance that exists which allows us to continue growing in the same direction.  We nurture that balance.

There are days when putting in the effort to maintain a happy, healthy relationship actually seems effortless.  Then, there are days when it seems useless.  Honestly, we have both – the good days and the bad.

What’s really superb is that my fiancé is my biggest fan.  When it comes to figuring out this whole Quarterlife Crisis thing, he’s behind me all the way (often cheering and doing the wave).  I come up with the crazy ideas, and he says, “Yes – do it!”

  1. Me:  I think I’m going to quit my job.
  2. Him:  Sounds like a great idea.
  1. Me:  Maybe I should write a novel.
  2. Him:  Of course you should.
  1. Me:  I want to spend the summer volunteering in the Amazon.
  2. Him:  They’d be lucky to have you.

It goes on like that.  He’s never once said an idea was unrealistic.  If anything, he tells me I need to think bigger, reach higher. And he never even blinks when, the next week, I tell him I’ve changed my mind.

I’m lucky like that.

But as I said, it’s not always easy.  In reality, I don’t exactly know the next best thing for our relationship as I move toward a life that’s more authentic – more like me.  I sometimes fear I have dreams that don’t fit with his.  He has his own goals and ambitions.  They’re big.  He amazes me every day.  And they’re also here – in the U.S. (And for good reason.  I assure you, his need to stay stateside for the next several years is not a selfish one.)

I’m going to be really honest.  If I were single, the first thing I would do to kick off this quest for fulfillment would be to get out a map, pick a place and go. I would sell my things, let go of any attachment to material wealth and move to another country.  I would become a long term volunteer, or teach English or join the Peace Corps.  There’s something inside me that wants to break free of this place and just go.  This isn’t a random whim that’s likely to go away on its own.  I’ve been dreaming about it for years.  Only now, I actually have the means to make that dream a reality.  Sort of.

But then there’s the part of me that’s in love. The part that says, you can’t leave for that long – what would happen to your relationship?

I know he will support me, regardless of the path I take.  But I’ve been on the other side.  I’ve been the one waiting for him to come home (long story, but let’s just blame that all on the military).  To be honest, it sucks.  And it wouldn’t be fair to him.  I can’t leave for six months, a year, two years – and expect him to wait patiently.

Well, I could, but it just doesn’t feel right.

And so I struggle.  I struggle to strike a delicate balance between the two things that pull at me – real love and the need to get out in the world and see it all.

I want to find a way to have my cake.  And then eat it.  I mean, really.  Has anyone ever said to you, “Hey, do you want to have some cake?” and then expected you not to eat it?  Of course not.  If you’re going to have cake, you’re obviously going to eat it.  So that’s what I’m working on – how to have both.  Right now, that looks like multiple trips that are shorter in length.  It looks like coming home to the man I love and then leaving to do the things that I love.

People often think that relationships should follow a certain set of rules or look a certain way.  I disagree.  I think a relationship should look exactly how the couple involved wants it to look. Make up your own rules.  Do what works for you.  As for me, I’m still trying to figure it all out.

And maybe that’s how it should be – always searching, always learning, always trying.

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Comments (8)

8 Responses to “My Biggest Fan”

  • Julie Says:
    February 10th, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Hey Heather,
    I can so much relate to your post.
    My BF and I are both super-ambitious and have plenty of projects and dreams for our future. Unconventional ones for most.

    It’s not always to pursue our own dreams while at the same time going in the same direction.

    For exemple. My BF is an Art teacher who doesn’t want to teach forever. I work in a cubicle that I plan to leave (for good). In our spare time, I am also a blogger who plans on launching her own business, he is a musician who plans on living on his music. Big Projects, lot of energy and PLENTY of risk. It’s tempting for me to wish he would keep his steady job while I take a risk and vice-versa, but we both want the other one to be happy too.

    As for distance. I’ve spent a couple of years flipping everytime he mentionned going on tour with the band. I couldn’t keep myself from panicking at the idea of staying in our loathed routine while he’s living the dream… So now, I help with the band and I build an online business on the side, so in case his dream come true, I can follow him and still live mine too.

    Thanks for sharing your story with honesty. PS: I should definitely adopt and follow your #2 rule…

  • Katie Says:
    February 10th, 2010 at 11:50 am

    Today I was doubting my decision to move across the country. But this: “If I were single, the first thing I would do to kick off this quest for fulfillment would be to get out a map, pick a place and go.” just reminded me of why I’m doing it.

    THANK YOU!

  • April Says:
    February 10th, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    I adore this post. I love the honesty and making your own path and your own way. I really feel like with the kind of honesty and understanding you both have, you will find that cake and eat it perfect situation. And THANK YOU for not stopping your own life when you incorporate a great man into it!! So many women lose what attracted the man to them in the first place…YOU.

  • Heather Rae Says:
    February 10th, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    Thanks so much for the support – you ladies are awesome!!

    @Julie – I so much agree. Kudos to you for finding ways to follow your own dreams while helping your BF follow his! That balance is sometimes hard to find but so worth it! :)

    @Katie – I’m so excited for you! It’s sometimes so tough to make the big decisions, but I find if I’m following my passion, I’m almost always making the right choice for me. Can’t wait to hear more about it!

    @April – thank you! It’s not always easy, but I’ve found that it’s SO worth the effort to nurture my own dreams while supporting his too. :)

  • Kim Says:
    February 11th, 2010 at 5:51 am

    Heather – I really enjoyed your post also. I’d be lying if I said I can relate to it (I’m single) but I really respect how honest you are about where you are in life and what you’re feeling. You should count yourself really lucky that you have someone so supportive at your side, that’s hard to find. And I’m a tad biased but I think if you really want to go away for a bit and travel than you should! You shouldn’t stay home just because it “wouldn’t be fair to him”. There are programs you can do that are short term – a few months – so long enough that you can get that experience out of your system, but short enough that you’re not leaving loved ones for too long. I’m personally doing a 4.5 mth internship teaching english in China this August through i-to-i:http://www.i-to-i.com/teaching-internships/china/ I didn’t want to go for a full year myself but I still wanted an adventure so I felt that this was a great compromise. So you CAN have your cake and eat it too. I know it would still be hard to be apart for that length of time, but it’s really not that long in the grand scheme of things. And if your fiance is as supportive as he sounds, and you’ve been together as long as you have, chances are 4.5 months isn’t going to change your relationship all that much. But one thing’s for sure, it would scratch that massive itch for you! *this is just my opinion though, everyone has to do what’s best for them*

  • Molly Hoyne Says:
    February 11th, 2010 at 8:11 am

    “I think a relationship should look exactly how the couple involved wants it to look. Make up your own rules. Do what works for you.”

    Heather, I love this bit! Because I agree- same thing with life- make up your own rules! Do what works for you! The best thing you can do for all those around you is to be totally and passionately alive.

    And as you said, it’s not always easy. It requires faith and trust and communication. Sounds like you and your man have that.

    How wonderful.

    I think I’m with Kim though (and I think you’re already planning on going for a while, eh?)… if you have the adventure bug– GO.

    “We’ll most regret the things we didn’t do, not the things we did.” oxoxo

  • Heather Rae Says:
    February 11th, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    Kim, I love your suggestion. I’ve actually thought of volunteering for a shorter amount of time (like 3-4 months) or teaching English somewhere that I’m able to do a shorter time span. I think I’ll look into that internship you mentioned – sounds pretty awesome.

    Molly, Yep – I am planning on heading out for a bit! Yay! My first trip will be a little shorter (about a month) so I can get my feet wet. I’m so looking forward to planning this one — and then going, of course!!

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    February 12th, 2010 at 6:36 pm

    Can't wait to hear where you're headed!!

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