Archive

Stop Wanting What You Don’t Want

posted 16th February 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

Growing up, my mother would always lecture me on how important it was to date as an adult. To have “casual courtships with multiple men” instead of one serious relationship after another.

Which maybe sounds like a good idea, but it also maybe means she was a little promiscuous and now resorts to using words like “courtship” to cover it up.

I don’t know, I’m still doing the research.

But I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately – why I don’t date like that, I mean, and I’m guessing it’s because I’m bad at emotional restraint. I’m black and white when it comes to love, I’m either in or I’m not. I either like you in a big way or I don’t.

And if I do?

I really, really do and I’m full-focus and intensely question ask-ey and I’m forever tucking all of your answers away in alphabetized mental folders like, “Awesome Birthday Gift Ideas” and “Stuff He’d Kill To Try In Bed.”

In practical application, my being like this means that I’m quite good at being your random hookup and I’m even better at being your girlfriend, but I simply have no idea how to handle the in-between relationship (you know, that point where it’s more than brand new dating but isn’t quite a full blown coupling up thing).

Because, regardless of whether or not I’m really crazy about the guy, I always find myself wanting more from him. More flirting, more phone calls, more dates, more sex, more expressions of affection, more late night conversations and, at some point, more commitment – even if I’m not willing to give those things in return.

Which, really, is total bullshit. I mean, if I only have a certain amount of time and energy to use each day, why am I wasting it wanting things for the sake of wanting them?

Because it makes me feel good in my warm little ego-ey places, that’s why.

And so my challenge to myself is to stop doing that, stop wanting what I don’t want.

Instead, I want to force myself to take the bigger risk of wanting fewer things, but wanting them more sincerely and more passionately than ever before.

photo credit: Peter Kaminski

divider

In One Word – Who Are You?

posted 15th February 2010    Written by: Kelly    CATEGORY: All Posts, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

My junior year of college at University at Buffalo (Go Bulls!), I had to take a mandatory career course.  It was a pre-requisite to my business major and titled “Career Planning”.

In theory, it should have been a great course. In fact, it was filled with a lot of valuable information that many college students could benefit from.  However, the class was more punishment than anything.

As a way of “preparing us slacker students for the real world” the class was scheduled at 8:00am Monday-Friday.  Even better – you were only allowed to miss 10 classes.  After that, each absence resulted in a full letter grade drop.

It was also full of filler homework assignments – due each class.  They were pretty easy to breeze through.  Trust me, in this class, the only way to survive was to determine exactly what they wanted and not give much personal introspection.

Mid Semester we were given a list of questions to answer as one assignment.  They ranged from interview type questions, to personal interests, to ambitions.

Then, finally, a question I had to THINK about!

“In one word, describe yourself.”

I thought this was a fantastic question! It’s not an easy one either.  It seems like it may be, but after a few moments, you realize it requires some deep thought.

Who am I really? What word captures what I am about, how I behave and how I feel about life?

Does a word like that even exist??!

I spent a lot of time thinking about this question.  I asked friends, family, co-workers … I even sent it out on Twitter.  It turned out to be a truly enjoyable experience – learning what others think of me.  I would encourage others to try this as well!

I ended up going with the word “Vibrant”.  I felt it best encapsulated ME.

I handed in the assignment feeling good about myself and actually excited to get my grade!

That question, was the only question that I got “wrong”.

Remember how I said you had to figure out what they wanted and give it to them? Well, I was so caught up in finding the true answer to this question, I forgot about that.  Apparently they were looking for “Hardworking”, “Driven”, “Ambitious” … words like that.

Um?

First, it baffled my mind that a subjective question could have a right and wrong answer.  It infuriated me!

Second, what exactly are they teaching students? To fit into a cookie cutter mold of what successful is and what successful isn’t? I probably put more time and thought into answering that question than anyone else in the class.

I’m willing to bet that the reason so many people find themselves in their Quarterlife Crisis is because they believed (and were probably encouraged) that their life path should follow a specific pattern; fit into the cookie cutter that is expected.

We’re not all the same.  A pre-determined set of adjectives can’t capture the true personalities of 200 students in a college course.  Nor should they be expected to! It’s okay not to fit the mold. The only way to lead the life you want is to be YOUR adjective.  It may be hard … but you’ll be happier for it.

Maybe I don’t fit into the cookie cutter mold.  But I’m okay with that.

What word best describes you?

divider

Running in Circles Gets You… Nowhere

posted 12th February 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: All Posts, Molly, What I've Learned

I’ve been in a whirlwind lately.   20 Tabs open on my browser, mugs half full of coffee strewn about, index cards full to color-coded to do lists spread out in front of me, yoga mat abandoned in the corner.

I’ve been trying to build an inspiring, useful business to serve you awesome Quarterlifers.  Trying to plan an adorable wedding on a major budget.  Trying to supplement my salary with some major side gigs.  Trying to tap into my creative side, eat clean, read books, make love, travel, see my offline friends, keep in touch with my online friends, start swimming again, work on my stealth product launch, set up my tattoo appointments, go grocery shopping, keep my apartment clean, call my parents…

Never quite catching up on anything. Never quite feeling productive enough.

Yup.  That’s been my life lately.

I keep telling myself that this is good!  Things are busy!  I’d rather be crazed than bored!  My bank account loves all these side projects I’ve taken on!  I’m being responsible! Who cares if I’ve abandoned my exercise plan, the Big Man’s handled dinner and the dishes too many nights in a row, and I’m mainlining caffeine?

Doesn’t the world love a multitasker?  I’m a superwoman! I can handle it!

Until, I can’t.

Haven’t I learned this lesson already?  I suppose it’s going to keep coming up (poke, poke) until I stop over-committing myself.  Until I’ve got a handle on the fact that there’s more to life than getting things done, just for the simple fact of getting them done…

Life is more than a “To Do” List- I know that. I, more than most, can control how I spend my days, what I choose to work on, how I want to organize my time. But lately, I’ve been drowning in overload.  Overwhelm.

Running in circles (sprinting, huffing and puffing, pulling a extreme move now and again) won’t get me anywhere.

Because, duh, I’m running in circles.

So, what’s the plan? Slow down, simplify, recommit to my meditation practice, and practice “claiming the moment”.

Claiming the Moment? It’s a phrase from Debbie Ford’s book ‘The Best Year of My Life’.  She writes an entire chapter about how life is made up of all these amazing small moments, but if we don’t slow down and really make an effort to live them and capture them in our memory- life’s just passing us by.  In order to live a truly extraordinary life, we need to claim the moments.

When I read that chapter, it totally hit me.

I’m losing my days to a frantic pace of “getting things done”.  I’m weakening my relationship by not saving some of my personal resources (time, energy, love) to share with the Big Man. I’m diluting my strength and creativity that I need to coach, to teach, to write.

I’m letting small moments pass me by because I’m rushing through my days trying to cram it all in, just so I can wake up the next day and do it again.

Enough is enough.

Here’s to the getting off the fast track!

Here’s to starting out on a long, wandering path to Somewhere, full of delicious moments and treasured memories.

photo credit: Anna Gay

divider

Love Flashes

posted 11th February 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: All Posts, Katie, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

I get a lot of sex.

In the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, underneath the moon. Sometimes I’m actually physically exhausted from having so much sex that I need to relax for the rest of the day just to recover.

This WOULD be true if I had the power to rewrite Webster’s Dictionary and make the definition of “Sex” a synonym to the word “Sleep”.  Until then, I’m not exactly what you would call “sexually active.”

This is partly by choice, but mostly not.

I’m one of the lucky ones who is going through the Quarterlife Crisis without a significant other in their life. Some argue that this is the way that it should be – after all, the QLC is about YOU and not anyone else. However, I know many people who went through this thing, and they were in a relationship in the beginning, and in the same one in the end. It just so happened that they found one aspect of their lives that they knew they wanted, and that feeling didn’t change after many “a-ha! That’s what I want!” moments.

You can’t really control how parts of your life hit you. You just have to take them in stride and realize that this is part of the plan, even if you don’t know exactly what that is… yet.

For as long as I can remember, when someone was interested in me,  it wouldn’t phase me much. I wouldn’t get the butterflies or the excitement for each anticipated phone call or communication from them. Dates were just “another day”, and intimacy was just “eh, riding the boney pony. whatever.” I think that part of me knew that entire time, that whoever my potential suitor was interested in wasn’t really me – I was simply a product of what I thought I had to be, what I was expected to be, and only minimally of what I wanted to be.

Bottom line: not me. Not at all.

Now that I’ve been working on finding out who I really am, and working on displaying these traits and habits that I’ve found to be most rewarding, I’ve run into a bit of a snag. When someone is interested in me, I fall in love.

No, I’m serious.

I fall in love with each and every potential lover that enters my life. From a significantly older client who flatters me to bits, to a handsome (and drunk) guy that I have a connection with in a bar, to the gay bartender at a nightclub that I knew was gay the moment I laid eyes on his Britney Spears suspenders. In each case, we meet, they like, I fall in love and inevitably suffer from a broken heart when things don’t work out, even when I know they’re not going to.

What it all boils down to is that going through the Quarterlife Crisis is a major life change and if you’re someone like me who finds out that every single aspect of your life is in dire need of a makeover, it’s almost like starting from scratch. These “falling in love” feelings that I get are like high-school crushes. I’m reliving the years that I missed out on.

The walls are not closing in on me, I’m just having “Love Flashes”.  I think I’d rather get Hot Flashes.

I’m confident that one day, I’ll meet someone who appreciates where I’ve been, where I’m going, and most importantly who I am. It’ll be a mutual appreciation and the sky will be the limit. Until then, I gotta go, there’s an adorable guy in Starbucks– I think I’m in love.

*photo via: nataliedee.com

divider

My Biggest Fan

posted 10th February 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: All Posts, Heather Rae, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

My fiancé is my best friend.  We’ve been together for seven years.  I tell him everything.  Seriously, it’s true.

I tell him when I come up with a really bad plot for a novel, when I dream up my next crazy adventure, when I’m frustrated with life – you name it, I tell him about it.  Even when it’s inappropriate – like, “Hey honey, you would not believe, I totally have a crush on some guy!”

As a couple, there are two rules we follow:

1. Be honest.  About everything.  Never leave anything out.  Don’t even tell a white lie.

2. Never, ever yell.  I mean never.  Never ever.

That’s it.  Those are our rules.  Everything else is minor.

I learned a long time ago to let go of unrealistic expectations. There’s no way to really know where our relationship will take us or how our future will look.  We both recognize the delicate balance that exists which allows us to continue growing in the same direction.  We nurture that balance.

There are days when putting in the effort to maintain a happy, healthy relationship actually seems effortless.  Then, there are days when it seems useless.  Honestly, we have both – the good days and the bad.

What’s really superb is that my fiancé is my biggest fan.  When it comes to figuring out this whole Quarterlife Crisis thing, he’s behind me all the way (often cheering and doing the wave).  I come up with the crazy ideas, and he says, “Yes – do it!”

  1. Me:  I think I’m going to quit my job.
  2. Him:  Sounds like a great idea.
  1. Me:  Maybe I should write a novel.
  2. Him:  Of course you should.
  1. Me:  I want to spend the summer volunteering in the Amazon.
  2. Him:  They’d be lucky to have you.

It goes on like that.  He’s never once said an idea was unrealistic.  If anything, he tells me I need to think bigger, reach higher. And he never even blinks when, the next week, I tell him I’ve changed my mind.

I’m lucky like that.

But as I said, it’s not always easy.  In reality, I don’t exactly know the next best thing for our relationship as I move toward a life that’s more authentic – more like me.  I sometimes fear I have dreams that don’t fit with his.  He has his own goals and ambitions.  They’re big.  He amazes me every day.  And they’re also here – in the U.S. (And for good reason.  I assure you, his need to stay stateside for the next several years is not a selfish one.)

I’m going to be really honest.  If I were single, the first thing I would do to kick off this quest for fulfillment would be to get out a map, pick a place and go. I would sell my things, let go of any attachment to material wealth and move to another country.  I would become a long term volunteer, or teach English or join the Peace Corps.  There’s something inside me that wants to break free of this place and just go.  This isn’t a random whim that’s likely to go away on its own.  I’ve been dreaming about it for years.  Only now, I actually have the means to make that dream a reality.  Sort of.

But then there’s the part of me that’s in love. The part that says, you can’t leave for that long – what would happen to your relationship?

I know he will support me, regardless of the path I take.  But I’ve been on the other side.  I’ve been the one waiting for him to come home (long story, but let’s just blame that all on the military).  To be honest, it sucks.  And it wouldn’t be fair to him.  I can’t leave for six months, a year, two years – and expect him to wait patiently.

Well, I could, but it just doesn’t feel right.

And so I struggle.  I struggle to strike a delicate balance between the two things that pull at me – real love and the need to get out in the world and see it all.

I want to find a way to have my cake.  And then eat it.  I mean, really.  Has anyone ever said to you, “Hey, do you want to have some cake?” and then expected you not to eat it?  Of course not.  If you’re going to have cake, you’re obviously going to eat it.  So that’s what I’m working on – how to have both.  Right now, that looks like multiple trips that are shorter in length.  It looks like coming home to the man I love and then leaving to do the things that I love.

People often think that relationships should follow a certain set of rules or look a certain way.  I disagree.  I think a relationship should look exactly how the couple involved wants it to look. Make up your own rules.  Do what works for you.  As for me, I’m still trying to figure it all out.

And maybe that’s how it should be – always searching, always learning, always trying.

divider

« Previous Page — Next Page »