Stop Wanting What You Don’t Want

posted 16th February 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

Growing up, my mother would always lecture me on how important it was to date as an adult. To have “casual courtships with multiple men” instead of one serious relationship after another.

Which maybe sounds like a good idea, but it also maybe means she was a little promiscuous and now resorts to using words like “courtship” to cover it up.

I don’t know, I’m still doing the research.

But I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately – why I don’t date like that, I mean, and I’m guessing it’s because I’m bad at emotional restraint. I’m black and white when it comes to love, I’m either in or I’m not. I either like you in a big way or I don’t.

And if I do?

I really, really do and I’m full-focus and intensely question ask-ey and I’m forever tucking all of your answers away in alphabetized mental folders like, “Awesome Birthday Gift Ideas” and “Stuff He’d Kill To Try In Bed.”

In practical application, my being like this means that I’m quite good at being your random hookup and I’m even better at being your girlfriend, but I simply have no idea how to handle the in-between relationship (you know, that point where it’s more than brand new dating but isn’t quite a full blown coupling up thing).

Because, regardless of whether or not I’m really crazy about the guy, I always find myself wanting more from him. More flirting, more phone calls, more dates, more sex, more expressions of affection, more late night conversations and, at some point, more commitment – even if I’m not willing to give those things in return.

Which, really, is total bullshit. I mean, if I only have a certain amount of time and energy to use each day, why am I wasting it wanting things for the sake of wanting them?

Because it makes me feel good in my warm little ego-ey places, that’s why.

And so my challenge to myself is to stop doing that, stop wanting what I don’t want.

Instead, I want to force myself to take the bigger risk of wanting fewer things, but wanting them more sincerely and more passionately than ever before.

photo credit: Peter Kaminski

Bookmark and Share
Comments (18)

18 Responses to “Stop Wanting What You Don’t Want”

  • Elizabeth Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    My family is always telling me I should date lots of guys while I'm young. My argument is that I'm a serious person who wants serious relationships. I don't think I'm wired for the casual thing!

  • Dani Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    There was a time where casual relationships where "of use to me"; I learned a lot about myself and enjoyed the company of some men for a time. I needed to explore what I wanted out of a person and who I was as an individual without the parameters of duty.
    But you learn to stop appeasing your ego, and I find now a long for the mutual respect of a real relationship. Either that or to just enjoy the blissful happiness I feel from being whole and single–just as I am.

  • Kristy Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 6:50 pm

    Nicole – I used to struggle with this as well, and when I finally took some time to really be introspective about it I realized that it was because of two things.

    1) I didn't have a lot of good friends, specifically girlfriends, to hang out with or spend any time or energy on, so I was focusing SOLELY on the person I was seeing. This made me feel like I was more in love with them than I really was, because in reality I was not only in like/love but also pretty dependent on them. It also meant that I would always want so much MORE from the relationship than I got, because they just weren't able to give all that I wanted (a person can only do so much I've realized! haha)

    2) In conjunction with that, I was self-conscious about doing things by myself and reaching out to new people for friendship. I learned that going to a movie by yourself and taking yourself out for ice cream can be a lot of fun! And with new friends the responsibility to follow-up and be brave and invite people out usually lands on yourself, so you just have to go for it.

    I'm not sure if you experience anything like I did, but I do know that making a bunch of friends can be SUPER hard, especially after moving to a new city, so it these things might be the case. You happen to be incredibly lucky to live in San Francisco, because there is this great small biz called Girlfriend Circles that's ALL about connecting women (for friendship) and the woman who runs it, Shasta, is great! I would recommend one of their events! Their website is https://www.girlfriendcircles.com

    Best of luck "stopping wanting what you don't want." ;) You could also try the positive version of that: Start wanting what you DO want! :)

  • Kate Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    They say, "you always want what you don't have." Now, I don't know who *they* are, but I think they're right. We always want what we can't have because we're trained to always want something more. We're always searching for something better – a better job, a better salary, a better relationship, a better sex position – because somehow we seem dissatisfied with what we have.

    Truth is, we're always looking for that next best thing and we're missing what's in front of us. Sometimes what's right in front of you is the best thing that's out there. You just have to see it yourself.

  • Doniree Says:
    February 16th, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    I love this, and it reminds me of the whole "do less, but do it BETTER" thing, which I've tried (and failed at?) doing in the last year or so… yeah. And I'm totally the same way on the mental filing system thing.

  • Jamie Varon Says:
    February 17th, 2010 at 1:06 am

    I mean, this is so amazing it gives me the jealousies in a big way, but also the IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU-IES.

    "I really, really do and I’m full-focus and intensely question ask-ey and I’m forever tucking all of your answers away in alphabetized mental folders like, 'Awesome Birthday Gift Ideas' and 'Stuff He’d Kill To Try In Bed.'"

    You're my favorite ever. Duh.

  • gracekboyle Says:
    February 17th, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    This is such a good post. I don't really know how to do the in between either. I love hard, and expect to be loved hard right back.

    Sharalyn wrote a good post on Elisa's series #allyouneed using a metaphor for love/relationships in terms of beekers.

    She says, "Pretend your capacity for love is a beaker (like the ones you used in science class.) The water you pour into the beaker is the love you feel for a special someone. You may have a 500 mL beaker while he/she has a 250 mL beaker. Both are filled to the brim with water, holding (giving) all they can, but your beaker just happens to contain more water, simply because its capacity is much greater. As such, you have more love to give and you likely need more love to feel fulfilled."

    My beeker is damn big, and overflowing. It's hard. So do I wait and find someone who has an overflowing beeker, or understand even if his beeker is filled, it's much smaller than mine and that's all he can give. I say, the first…what do you think?

  • gracekboyle Says:
    February 17th, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    PS. This is the post if you want to read it. It's beautiful: http://www.opheliaswebb.com/2010/02/just-right-lo…

  • Doniree Says:
    February 17th, 2010 at 9:03 pm

    Damn. I love that analogy.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    February 18th, 2010 at 3:34 am

    Love it– blissful happiness from being whole! Way to state it loud and clear.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    February 18th, 2010 at 3:38 am

    I think one of the ways to fight the search for "something better" is to practicing being present to your life, present to the exact moment. And gratitude! Giving thanks for the job, salary, relationship & sex positions you do have helps stave off the grass is greener on the other side syndrome.

    That said– I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting more, as long as we can remember that the journey towards a juicy goal is where the pleasure/meaning actually comes from, not the necessarily the achievement of the goal itself…

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    February 18th, 2010 at 3:41 am

    Oooh. That is a good analogy. I think I vote wait for another overflowing beaker, unless small beaker man also has a torch or cool potions or other amazing qualities he's bringing to the table that I don't have.

    Okay, not sure my analogy works. Just sayin'.

  • Sara Says:
    February 19th, 2010 at 12:43 am

    You always want what u can't have AND you don't want you can have!

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    February 19th, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    I'm doing the casual thing right now, for the first time, and it's all kinds of uncomfortable. I'll let you know how it goes…

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    February 19th, 2010 at 5:38 pm

    That's such a good way to put it, "of use to me." I've been trying to think like that lately, trying to determine when something is of actual benefit to me or not, and just ignoring all the "not."

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    February 19th, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    I couldn't be happy with a beaker smaller than mine. I'm overflowing all over the damn place and need the same in return. Killer comment, lady.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    February 19th, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    Ah, thanks! Going to read it right now :)

  • Expectation Mania and the Danger of Measuring Up | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    May 3rd, 2010 at 8:52 am

    [...] Clarity is ridiculously freeing.  When you know what YOUR version of success is, you can stop wanting things you don’t want.  You forgo measuring up, and instead, radiate delicious [...]

Leave a Reply

name*


email* (will not be published)


website


comments