To The Edge of Almost-Love, and Back

posted 9th February 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Love/Relationships, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

There are two versions of the “I’m so spontaneous that I just up and moved to San Francisco” story.

There’s the version I usually tell, the one about how I was tired of being a professional nomad, how I wanted a fresh start, and how I was intoxicated with a city I barely knew.

Then there’s the deeper, more complete version. The one where I also moved to San Francisco for a guy I easily could have fallen in love with, had we made a left somewhere instead of a right.

I’m skipping over a few parts, of course, or rather I’m skipping over all the parts because now that I’m thinking about the perfect 21st century storm of it (girl writes blog, boy reads blog, girl and boy go from online to offline and back), it’s easy to see that he and I were all kinds of wrong for each other.

Isn’t that always how it is though? Retrospect sure is a feisty little bitch.

So that was then and this is now, and my roundtrip journey to the edge of almost-falling-into-someone has lead me to question what role love is really playing in my current life.

I look at my friends, the ones who are so much farther down this particular path than I am, women in their 20s who are engaged, or married, or starting a family, and I wonder about the process of loving the same person for the rest of my life.

I mean, if change is the only constant, and if I’m confident in the knowledge that I’m not exactly the same person I was a month ago and won’t be this same person a month from now, then how is it possible to be in love with one person for 50 years?

Maybe it’s not possible. Maybe the key is finding someone that you’ll be able to keep falling in love with, over and over, as you both change. For me, that means someone who’s so smart it makes my brain hurt. Someone who loves tea, and The West Wing, and Tuesday night dinners at outdoor restaurants. Someone who will play with my hair and read to me in bed, who isn’t uncomfortable with full frontal honesty, who knows what he wants, says what he means, and shows up when it matters.

And, since I’m pretty sure I can’t just Google “home address of my future husband,” I’m choosing instead to just enjoy the hell out of being deliciously single in a new city where there are a seemingly unlimited amount of people to meet and a dizzying number of possible dates to go on.

Oh, and that guy I moved here for? We’re friends. Or, more honestly, I’m working on us being the kind of friends who can talk and laugh and drink vodka and watch The Rachel Maddow Show without accidentally making bad decisions.

We’ll see how that goes.

Photo credit: suchitra

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Comments (11)

11 Responses to “To The Edge of Almost-Love, and Back”

  • Katie Says:
    February 9th, 2010 at 10:06 am

    I don’t have nearly enough single friends like you, like me, like a lot of us. Though I’m completely happy with my single-hood and the adventures it’s bound to bring, it’s hard keeping this attitude with most of my friends who are “truly happy” being in long-term committed relationships, and the other half always complaining about their single status.

    Amen, Sister to everything in this post.

  • StaceyParadise Says:
    February 9th, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Nicole, I love this post from you. I like that it’s so different from what you normally post over on nicoleisbetter.com. While I love your every day content (and it always manages to make me laugh), this side of you is amazing to be able to read about. I had no idea this was part of your reasons for moving to SF! Even though it didn’t work out, you are sure to have amazing experiences there.

  • Lauren Says:
    February 9th, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Nicole – you are an inspiration and I love reading your writing whether it’s the deliciously vulgar and inappropriate posts, or the ones that provide a little insight into the real girl. You are awesome :)

  • Jenn Says:
    February 9th, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    Dude. Chills, lady. I love when you write and you spit out all of the words that are in my head that I don’t know that I want to say until you say them and I’m all “YES SHE GETS IT”.

    You’re the best. Favorite part? “who knows what he wants, says what he means, and shows up when it matters”. You wouldn’t think it’d be so hard to find that, huh?

  • Erocka Says:
    February 9th, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    I wish I was as smart as you when I was 24. All sorts of dumb. Making up for it at 29 ;)

    Thank you for this post. I recently came out of a long relationship with the man I was “supposed” to spend the rest of my life with… until he decided he was afraid of commitment. Since then, I have questioned how people can stay in love forever when we change on a daily basis. My brain hurts.

  • Kim Says:
    February 9th, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    I say Amen also! I’m totally in the same position – I just turned 25 in December and so many of the girls in my life (including my best friend, who’s only 23 going on 24) are getting married! Or having babies or getting engaged, etc. On the one hand I don’t really get it because I still feel like I’M too young for all that, so it kinda blows my mind that girls younger than me are doing it (and frankly I feel many of them are doing it too soon). But on the other hand you start to think if there’s something wrong with you; why haven’t I found that person? But the fact is everyone has different timing – your time will come and so will mine. You just have to be patient and enjoy the ride! That’s what I try to focus on and sounds like that’s what you’re doing so bravo! And hey, there’s lots of pretty sweet things about being single ;)

  • April Says:
    February 9th, 2010 at 2:53 pm

    As your elder of just a few, but highly important years, let me tell you that this question doesn’t get any easier. I’ve learned that the ‘women who won’t be tamed’ usually stay single longer. But when we find that thing called love, even if it’s not the for lifers…there is no doubt it’s real. We love more, love with reckless abandon, and love harder in a few weeks/months/years than most people ever do in a lifetime. So let love (or the chance of it) lead you where it may…and rightfully enjoy the fun single moments that tie it all together in between. It makes finding a guy worth shelving you’re single status for that much hotter!

  • nicole antoinette Says:
    February 9th, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Look at all the incredibly kickass chicks leaving these comments!

    Thanks ladies!

    And, um, can we all have a slumber party? Like, right now??

  • Kim Says:
    February 10th, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Yes please!! Preferably with lots of chocolate and vodka!

  • Doniree Says:
    February 10th, 2010 at 11:28 am

    “Maybe the key is finding someone that you’ll be able to keep falling in love with, over and over, as you both change.”

    You sucker-punched it there.

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    April 20th, 2010 at 8:03 am

    [...] so from my parents’ couch in Arizona, surrounded by no job, no place to live, no life plan, and a crush on a boy in San Francisco. In the four months that have screeched by between then and now, I got off their couch, got in my [...]

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