Are You There Bigger Picture? It’s Me, Nicole

posted 9th March 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I’ve been living in San Francisco and managing business operations for Shatterboxx Media for a little over two months now, and do you know what I’ve learned from our clients? That while it’s overwhelmingly hard to describe what you’re looking for, you sure as hell know it when you see it.

Jamie and I work through this process over and over, taking the verbal and turning it into the graphic, and it’s been fascinating for me to watch her transform a bullet pointed Word document into something vibrantly alive, because my mind just doesn’t work that way.

My mind likes two things, details and fantasies, and I have a hard time seeing through the fog that clouds my bigger picture. I’m confident in the small parts of my day, the minute-to-minute wants that are easily defined, the sentences that are short and declarative like “I’m craving French onion soup,” “I want sex,” or “I need 30 minutes to read and take a bath.”

But on any given day, it’s almost impossible for me to articulate my long-term goals.

I’m aware that my overarching dream is most frequently described by saying that “I want to, well, you know, live a sweet life and write and travel and stuff,” but I hit a wall when I push myself to get more specific than that. I loosely understand (and am passionately excited about) the things I want to achieve, like checking every item off my Life List, but the biggest challenge I’m facing right now is how to build a solid foundation that supports my wild and crazy dreams, a foundation that starts with flushing out exactly what those dreams really are in the first place.

Like a graphic design client who is all, “I have no idea, but I like purple! And bold typography! And kittens!” I’m vaguely familiar with what I want, but I feel like I’m running in frenzied circles trying to clarify everything enough to cattle-prod The Universe into making it happen, which leaves me feeling that in regard to my goals, I want everything and know nothing all at once.

Is there an easy button here? Can I buy a dream mapping vowel?

I don’t know, maybe I spend too much time focusing on what I don’t know when I should be focusing on what I do know, and for now, here’s what that is:

I know I want to be a writer with a big giant capital W, thoughtfully telling my stories and living my life out loud. I know I want to be a citizen of the world, traveling wherever I can, saying yes to newness while learning how to let it in without blurring my boundaries and losing myself.

I know I want to be a perpetual student, an open listener, and an unconditional support system for everyone who has gently reached down and pulled me out when I’ve gone tumbling down the rabbit hole. I know I want laughter and hilarity in unlimited quantities, because I know that’s the best way for me to leave each day better than I found it.

I know I want to inspire people to live up to the best possible version of themselves by being spontaneous and creative, honest and positive, confident and kind, hardworking and spiritually alive.

I know I want to learn to spend time in the silence more often, to listen without judgment, love as hard as I can, and then a little harder still, and I know that I want to shape my days around the overwhelming truth that what I put out there is what I’ll get back.

And maybe knowing all of that is enough for now.

photo credit: lululemon athletica

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Comments (8)

8 Responses to “Are You There Bigger Picture? It’s Me, Nicole”

  • Jamie Says:
    March 9th, 2010 at 11:26 am

    The Bigger Picture. Plural Noun.

    It’s a constant reminder. Glad we keep reminding each other when we’re focusing too hard on the small things to see the bigger picture. 1 or 10. ONE OR TEN.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    March 9th, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    I'm having a one or ten type of day today. WE NEED TO DO MORE 10-LIKE THINGS.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    March 9th, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    I have no idea what you guys are talking about but I think I like it.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    March 9th, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    Remind me next time we're on the phone and I'll fill you in :)

  • Doniree Says:
    March 10th, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    Nicole, this is one of my most favoritest things I've ever read of yours. Perhaps because it's familiar, perhaps because you know how hard I relate. Perhaps just because I love you. Great stuff, love.

  • Ally B Says:
    March 10th, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    This is awesome. I'm always terrified when someone says "so, what do you want to do?" and I get overwhelmed and just watch tv instead because I DON'T KNOW damn it…

  • Josef Says:
    March 31st, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    There's such a different tone in these posts than at nicoleisbetter.com that I wish some of these would drift there. People should get to know all of you but maybe you are just too great for one blog. I learned about myself reading this and I find your words slowly transforming me…

  • jay Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 11:53 pm

    *blinks*…

    This is… so familiar. Youve put me into real words. That's really hard. Thanks.

    PS: its all possible. It is getting done with me, those are my same desires and same aspirations, and I've found ways to do them all. I chase peace. I turned breakfast – making and eating – into an hour and a half event. I quit my job and am living on savings for a year. I learned to appreciate sunlight. I know my own boundaries and dont let them be nudged so easily. You're already far down the road to being happy if you are able to articulate these so precisely.

    Maybe this is a life path thing, one of those given checkpoints. im 24 too.

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