Heartbreak and Learning The Hard Way

posted 23rd March 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Love/Relationships, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

There are two kinds of people, those who can take other people’s advice and those who have to learn the hard way.

I learn the hard way.

It probably has a lot to do with ego, with my thinking that someone else’s lesson just doesn’t apply to me, and it’s only after I’m thigh-deep in their same mud that I realize, “Huh, maybe I shouldn’t be so damn stubborn all the time.”

I’m trying to work on this, trying to get better at listening when people I care about sit me down to share something powerfully poignant because you know what? We, all of us, aren’t really that different from each other and when someone has been through it, I need to get better about internalizing their advice and finding the practical application of it in my own life.

Like most of my now memorable moments, the best advice I’ve ever received was something that just came up naturally, something she said in passing, something I wasn’t looking for, and yet I think about it at least once every single day.

I don’t remember the beginning of the conversation, what was said before it, but I was in NYC and she was in Italy and we were catching up online and filling each other in on the details of our week. She asked about the guy I was dating at the time, a guy I was too into to see out of, and I don’t remember what I told her about him, about us, but I remember what she said back.

“You know, not every guy is worth breaking your heart for.”

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, about how penetrable my boundaries are, and I’m struggling to understand where I end and everything else begins.

I’m an intense person, a person who doesn’t get into things without getting all in, and in some way or another I’ve been desperately in love with every single person in my life. Some days, my boundaries are so poorly defined and I let so many things into my heart that it actually feels like I’m in love with the world, like everything I have is riding on everyone and everything else and that each moment could be the best or most heartbreaking of my life.

So now what?

I mean, if she’s right (and of course she is) and every guy and every situation isn’t worth breaking my heart over, how do I protect myself? What does self protective moderation even look like? How do I go only part of the way in when I’ve spent 24 years see-sawing the all or nothing spectrum?

photo credit: Niffty

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Comments (7)

7 Responses to “Heartbreak and Learning The Hard Way”

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    March 23rd, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    Yes! I'm free tomorrow, let's trade lives and personalities for a bit, haha :)

  • pattypunker Says:
    March 23rd, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    intensity is good. your spririt, heart and passion are good. take consolation that you actually feel and are alive (not the emotionally dead). don't close up or go half way.. and that which doesn't kill us only builds our character. one day your prince will come.

  • Jen Says:
    March 23rd, 2010 at 7:10 pm

    Hi, im a fairly new reader of your blog.. I love it!

    I hear ya girl, I am right there with you. I am an all or nothing-er myself. (currently in the nothing swing of the see-saw because of a serrrious case of heartbreak) I let people in way too quickly and like you, am desperately trying to find the balance of guarding my heart, but not becoming closed off and bitter. I have faith that there is a happy medium… I think it lies in loving ourself, embracing our all-up-front-ness so to speak, and heeding the wise counsel of people like your friend who know what's best. :)

  • Ashalah Says:
    March 23rd, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    I am like Kim, I also do not let people in very easily. The walls I have up around my heart are enormous and letting lovers, and friends, in is a longer task than most. I wish I could be more like you and let people in. Sure, it causes more pain and heartache but life is so much more fulfilling when you are 100% in than when you are standing on the sidelines. For me, as soon as someone gets close enough (like the guy I'm dating now), I start feeling vulnerable and start pushing them away. It's a bad cycle, and one i'm trying to break but after years of being this way, of being soooo protective over my heart (and it also being crushed way too many times) it's hard to break out and just let people in.

    As I was reading this my friend gave me this quote and I thought you'd appreciate it:

    "It's not really the people you let into your vagina that can hurt you. It's the people you let into your heart."

    And I swear it's not (just) because it has the word vagina in it. :)

  • Kim Says:
    March 23rd, 2010 at 5:11 pm

    I guess the grass is always greener because I'm kind of jealous of you being able to let things through your boundaries so easily – I'm the opposite! lol. I tend to put walls up against people and it takes a long time of knowing most people before I break those down. It's really hard for me to put myself out there with anyone or show my true feelings. We should trade – I should give you a little of my restraint and you should give me a little of your open-heartedness and we'd both be perfect! lol

  • rookwoodmusic Says:
    March 23rd, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    I totally relate with you! I have the type of personality that feels everything deeply, trusts too easily. I guess I never considered it a hindrance though. Sure, when you're heart breaks, you feel it with every fiber in you but that also means you have loved more than most people have (and are afraid to admit they are jealous of). Take it one day at a time and consider your affinity towards leaping head-first into everything a blessing. Your girlfriends will keep you on track when the guy is not worth it. Cheers!

  • Josef Says:
    March 31st, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    I was just having this conversation with a friend who's a girl and we are both in our 30's and realized we are also both single and find it difficult to compromise regarding romance. Really, how do you go about just settling for tinder when all your past relationships have been fireworks and raging flames?

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