Moving Makes Me Feel Happy. And Guilty. But Mostly Happy. Sort Of.

posted 11th March 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, Travel

It’s  hard for me to imagine that in 2 short months, I won’t be in New Jersey. Chances are, I’ll be over 500 miles away.

I’ll undoubtedly miss some things, like cheese steaks and Tastykakes. But, the things one would normally miss in life? Those are a different story.

My biggest problem with moving isn’t the traditional regret or indecision. For the first time in my life, I’ve made a decision and I’m actually sticking to it. Ask around, I tend to not make decisions about anything in my life including where to go for dinner or what I want for my birthday.

My number one reason for this insanity being that I don’t want to offend or impose on anyone else. Even if I have to put my own wants and preferences aside, it’s always been worth it to make others happy.

I am however finding the overall guilt of moving to be overwhelming. It’s not even a guilt that I’m leaving so many people behind. I’m relatively certain that they’ll be fine without me. Rather, I feel guilty for not feeling more guilty about moving. Follow that one!

I’m leaving behind my father, mother, brother, countless friends, and memories. Though there are moments I quickly think something like “Oh, what will HE do about THAT situation without me?”, I quickly chase it away with the thought that everything will be fine. One of the friends that I told I was moving asked me if I’d miss him. I said yes.

I lied.

I’m not saying that my relationships that I currently have don’t matter. All of my relationships past and present have shaped me into the person that I am today. Independent. Determined. Straight up Crazy. I have many people to thank for their inspiration, but without even a second look back, I’m leaving them and I’m incredibly stoked.

Shouldn’t it be harder for me to leave behind my entire life? Shouldn’t I be able to say “I’ll Miss You” and mean it?

I can’t help but to feel that I don’t belong here. Though I’m surrounded by many friends and family, I feel misunderstood and often unwelcome. Granted, I’ve made my share of mistakes thus far, but is it really fair to feel unwelcome in your own life? Hell no.

Each time I tell someone that I’m leaving, I try to sound somewhat sad. I figure that’s how announcements of long-term moves go, right?

The Moving Girl tells her  family and friends she’s moving. Her family and friends try to get her to stay because they’ll miss her. She is touched by such attempts and one lonely tear runs down her face because she too will miss them. That tear is enough to make her decide to stay. She puts aside her own wants, to think of others. Moving girl never moves but always dreams of what life would be life if she did.

I can’t even muster up a tear when I tell people about my decision to relocate. In fact, I get self-aware and make sure I’m not cheesin’ too hard with my wide smile.

That said, I almost feel a little depressed at the thought that I’m not sad to leave anyone. Though my relationships are important to me, are they not “that” important? Have they lost their appeal to me because I don’t  find them fulfilling? If they’re so important, shouldn’t I spend some more time nurturing them?

I’ll probably spend the next few weeks thinking this situation into oblivion. I’m certain that the relationships that are strong enough will survive this test of distance.

I’m definite that I will.

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Comments (9)

9 Responses to “Moving Makes Me Feel Happy. And Guilty. But Mostly Happy. Sort Of.”

  • Kate Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 5:36 pm

    It's always tough to make that life-changing decision – any and all of them – but you really need to follow your heart and do what is best for YOURSELF right now. Sure, it may be sad and weird and depressing to think about leaving that place you call "home" for some unknown, but sometimes it's the unknown that ends up being the best decision we could have ever made.

    Friends who will stay true to your heart will make the effort to continue that friendship, regardless of where you go and who you're with. Don't worry about leaving people behind – worry about embarking on a new beginning, a new journey and new memories.

    Smile and don't be afraid not to when you tell people you're moving. It's going to be an incredible adventure and I know you're going to be fabulous.

  • Sarah Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 5:46 pm

    I'm proud of you, I'm sure you will LOVE wherever you end up moving!

  • Katie Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    I'm very excited to do something for myself. And you're right in saying that friends who are worth it, ill maintain contact. As, I'm sure you will, since I know you really can't live without me ;-)

    I've taken a lot of these jumps because of inspiration from others, and you're in that list of people. You have so many dreams and hopes, and you make them reality. I've heard you complain, and not want to do things anymore, but you keep pushing through.

    I value your friendship loads, love. Of course, as you know, I hate emotions, so I'll leave it there ;)

  • Katie Says:
    March 11th, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Thanks, Sarah! I'm very excited to make a new start, and continue this life journey with my Faith intact!

  • Heather Rae Says:
    March 12th, 2010 at 2:05 am

    When I moved away from my home town, I had similar feelings. I knew I would miss my friends and family, but that failed in comparison to how excited I was to get the hell out of town. I didn't really feel that city was where I belonged either – it didn't 'fit' me. I moved without a second look back. And, honestly, I couldn't be happier for it.

    I think it's perfectly okay to feel exactly the way you do. You shouldn't have to feel sad or shed any tears (lord knows I didn't). I was excited – and I figured that anyone that was a true friend would be excited for me too. It's been almost 7 years now, and I've kept in touch with exactly the people I thought I would – the true friends.

    I'm happy for you! This next part will be a whole new adventure for you – and I for one, am excited to hear all about it on your blog posts. Congrats on making a decision to do what's best for you!

  • Kelly Says:
    March 12th, 2010 at 5:42 am

    I don't know you, but when I read this post it hit close to home. When you're ready to leave you know it. Also, keep in mind that family members aside, a lot of the people who act shocked or don't understand why you want to leave may not have your best interests at heart. I don't mean this in a negative sense, but when you take big risks and chances it sometimes bothers people who feel "stuck" in life and makes them feel a bit jealous because they wish they could or had left too.

    To second what a few other people said, the relationships that matter will still be around, regardless of the distance.

    Also, you may feel 100 percent ready to leave and get on with your adventure now, but there will be moments after the move when you may question your decision. This doesn't by any means indicate you made a poor choice when you chose to move, just understand that you may have doubts when everything doesn't work out as smoothly as you'd hoped.

    Why am I saying all this? Because about six months ago I moved from a city in the Midwest where I'd spent all 25 years of my life to the West coast. All my family, my friends and the job I'd had since college were in that city, but my heart no longer was. I always felt that I'd never truly be an "adult" until I moved away. Most of my friends will never leave that city and that's all right if that's what they want, but it wasn't what I wanted. You don't want to live a life with regrets, and if you feel like this is the right thing to do you should. Remember to keep in mind the way you feel about it right now for those times you may be feeling homesick or questioning your decision.

    Oh, and one more thing. Unless you're moving to a foreign country you can probably fly home to visit in less than five hours for less than $500 any time you have the time or money to do so.

  • Katie Says:
    March 13th, 2010 at 3:02 am

    Thanks, Heather. It's kind of great to have that validation that "it is okay to feel this way." I can't believe it's been 7 years for you. I was under the impression that it had been recent. Not to self: pay closer attention to details. I'm also looking forward to where this is going for me, and to look back on life this time next year and see where I end up.

  • Katie Says:
    March 13th, 2010 at 3:05 am

    Ah, a fellow "up and leave" er. Love it. You really hit it right in the heart when you said "My heart wasn't there." And that's exactly how I feel. Maybe it's this house, maybe it's the lack of respect that I'm getting. No matter what it is, it's causing me to be unhappy, and to want more. For the first time ever I want more than what I have, and it's within reach, so I just want to get it for once.

  • Kiera Says:
    March 17th, 2010 at 5:29 pm

    as an ex-pat from NJ that has once left her life behind to move far away (we are on state number 3? with another country in there too) i want you to know that despite the well-held NJ belief that once you are from there you will always return…it's not always the case and that's ok! It's ok to love NJ from afar. In all honesty, it has made me love the place I call "home" so much more. You learn about all the wonderful things our little home state brings us and blindly ignore the bad (traffic). There is a really awesome world out there. I'm glad to know another Jersey girl will get to experience it with me.

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