Past, Meet Future

posted 30th March 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: Love/Relationships, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I’ve been doing the big question thing lately. The thing where I’m all, “What now?” and “What next?” and “With who?” and “My life?!”

When I’m big question-ey like this, it’s usually about the fact that I want things that feel contradictory. I want to stay and I want to go. I want him and I want to be by myself, and I get stuck in the questions and focus too much on the unknown of what’s to come and not enough on where I’ve been and what I’ve already accomplished.

The past, for me, is perspective, it’s why I’ve been keeping journals for as long as I’ve known what pen and paper can do together, and I try to remind myself during the big question times that I can take pause and look back.

When I do this, I continue to find that everything I thought was soul crushingly bad, everything I thought I’d never come out the other side of, has turned out just fine. The big decisions worked themselves out and it’s just fine and I’m that much stronger and nothing is as horrifying and destructive as it seems when you’re in the hole of it.

I flipped through an old journal recently and came across an entry I wrote about love (although really, isn’t everything about love in some way?), but this particular entry caught my attention because it came from the point in a past relationship that terrifies me about all future relationships. The point where I cared about him enough to know that I’d give up way too much of myself to spend the rest of my life curled up inside his heart.

I’m so lonely tonight. Maybe because hotels are anonymous and isolating places, or maybe because I’ve spent so many nights being with someone else that I’ve forgotten how to be by myself. I need to get out of this lonely place. Or, I need to stop feeling like being lonely is a weakness, that it’s some kind of sign that I’m not as self sufficient as I’d like to be.

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about sacrifice, about what parts of ourselves, our lives, and our opportunities we give up for other people. Sometimes, it’s a sacrifice that someone else asks us to make: not talking to an ex, relocating to a new city, changing our sleeping habits, but sometimes it’s a sacrifice we know we have to make: letting go of our past, being less selfish, letting someone in. For me, the deepest sacrifices are the private ones, the things we give up secretly, the things we don’t ever tell the other person we’re giving up for them.

I’ve been there, and maybe I’m there now because if I had to sacrifice everything to be with him, I would. That’s a wildly dramatic thing to say, isn’t it? But it’s how I think sometimes, in grossly over exaggerated statements. I don’t mean to be so dramatic, but for some reason my soul finds comfort in hyperbolic absurdity.

So here we are, him and I, wherever “here” is, and I’m wondering about my priorities, about whether the path I’m taking and what I’m choosing aren’t in fact things that I’ll look back on and regret. My therapist says that I should stop obsessing about regret, because “in a predictable twist of fate, we usually spend so much energy obsessing about not letting something happen that it happens anyway.

She has been right about a lot of stuff over the past year, so I’m considering believing her about this…

Maybe it’s because I’m surrounded by friends who are married, or engaged, or in serious relationships, friends who are pregnant or trying to get pregnant, or maybe it’s this journal entry from 2007, but it all has me wondering if it’s possible, I mean really possible, for me to have big love while still having everything else that I want at the same time.

And so, settling down and total freedom are having a fierce little go around in my head. And you know what? They better get their shit together soon and sort it out, because with all that shouting, it’s quite difficult to get anything else done.


photo credit: motone

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Comments (20)

20 Responses to “Past, Meet Future”

  • Amy --- Just A Titch Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Nicole, I know you already know since I've talked about this crap incessantly when we've hung out, but yeah, I'm right there and you know all this but THANKS and this is great and I may or may not have shed a tear at my desk. Love you, friend.

  • Julie Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    "And so, settling down and total freedom are having a fierce little go around in my head." I guess we all have our definition of freedom, but personnally when I met my actual boyfriend, I actually finally felt free. Weird hey? I felt free to be myself and free to take on "the world" with him because we had the same vision. Sometimes I can't help but think that because we are actually free for real we forget that we actually are. You and your guy are free to define Big Love and Big relationship and Future life together according to your values, dreams, vision and priority (Isn't it Stratejoy's message?!) . Settling down does not have to mean big house and babies and unadventurous life. It CAN mean that you will get to share all those adventures!

  • Nikki Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Y'all are speaking right to me. I'm there. I'm all up in it. And it feels terrible, but at least i know i'm not crazy. Thank you.

  • guest Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    i feel the most complete when i am with myself. i have the hardest time co-existing with the person i am in a relationship with b/c i feel like i sacrifice so much of my time and lose my priorities and in the end, i end up losing myself. thanks for sharing.

  • Kim Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    I'm in the same position – all of my friends are settling down – getting married, having babies, moving in with boyfriends – and I'm totally not ready for that yet. However, I AM getting to the point where I want to find someone to spend my life with. However, I'm a very independent person and can't be caged in. Totally losing myself in another person really scares me, but being alone and not having a companion scares me too, so it's hard to know which should get precedence. I guess romantics would say that if you're with the right person, it should all fall into place, but personally I think that's bull. I think you can be with a great person for you, but still have these questions and concerns. Should I give up what I want or not? How do I know it's the right thing to do and I won't kick myself later? I've recently met someone and am faced with whether or not I should stick with my plan to move away, or wait a bit. It's very confusing and frustrating. Would he set aside his plans to be with me? I'm not so sure. So, bottom line is, I guess you just have to wait and see (and that's the rub!)

  • Emma Says:
    March 30th, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    Heh I JUST went back and re-read my diary last night. But with my sporadic tendencies, one entry said "I think maybe I'm ready to stop dicking around and actually care about someone and have them care about me" and then the next one, like four months later, started with "the funny thing about being in love is…" It's definitely nice to know that we keep growing and going and learning even when we think we're stuck.

    P.S: Hotel rooms really are the loneliest places.

  • Doniree Says:
    March 31st, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    Let me know if "total freedom" wins. :)

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 6:15 pm

    Ooooh Julie. Spot on. I'm with you- but I do see how it's hard to imagine, when you haven't found that person.

    But the Big Man and I agree with you! oxox

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 6:17 pm

    "wondering if it’s possible, I mean really possible, for me to have big love while still having everything else that I want at the same time." YES. As long as you're willing to be flexible with that said timing…

    xoxox

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 6:20 pm

    Kim- I think it's always a journey- one that takes work and faith and a little bit of good timing. I'm a firm believer in super clear communication (like asking him about the move- how does he feel about it?) and letting each person make their own choices with what they need to do "for them". Sometimes those choices will bring you closer, sometimes those same choices will cause your paths to diverge.

    It's scary. And lovely. All at the same time. TRUST is the biggie.

    xoxox

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    I'm a lover of alone hotel rooms!! Am I weird? Bubble baths, icecream in bed, junk tv… Wine, definitely. ;)

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 8:08 pm

    I'd like to point out that this is the second time I've made you shed tears. Once over pizza, and once over a blog post.

    I'm not saying, but I'm JUST SAYING.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    You're so right Julie. I think it's more that I'm stuck in the middle ground of not yet having the person with whom I *want* to do all of these things, but not wanting to not have someone either. Does that make sense? I don't know, all I do know is that I'm trying to take the puzzle of my life and see where everything fits.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 8:11 pm

    If you're crazy, I'm crazy. Maybe we can just be crazy together. Over wine. And cookies.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    This is definitely my fear, losing too much of myself in him. And it's not an unfounded fear, it's a fear because I've felt it happen in the past and am trying desperately not to go back to that place.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    "I think you can be with a great person for you, but still have these questions and concerns."

    100 million percent yes. I've recently come to terms with how unrealistic the romantic cliche of "when it's the right person, it'll all just work!" is. Maybe that happens for some people, but I think it's just too easy. Life is about constant choices, constant leaning from side to the other.

    What Molly said about communication though? I've found this to be the single most helpful thing in the decision making process.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    And yet I think it's why I love hotels so much though – the anonymity. The freedom to escape from everything.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    Ah yes, flexibility. Not necessarily my strong suit. We'll see… :)

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    April 1st, 2010 at 8:18 pm

    You'll be one of the first to know, my dear!

  • rachel Says:
    April 6th, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    it's possible to have both. promise. <3

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