Owning My Mistakes: Stepping Up and Getting Real

posted 1st April 2010 Written by: Katie CATEGORY: Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

Addictions, Changes, depression, Getting Real, Holding Back, Owning Your Mistakes, Spending Addictions, Suicide

Stepping up and owning up to my mistakes has been incredibly hard.

So… I want to do a little bit of getting real with you guys. Not that I haven’t been getting real with you all along, I have been. I’ve actually been more real on an emotional level with you than I have with myself and friends for years. But there are parts of me that I hold back, because I’m not sure about how you’d receive them.

I’ll be honest, I kind of like that I look like this girl who is educated, getting things together and who isn’t sad or depressed or angry at anything anymore.

It’s totally awesome. Until you realize that some of it is a lie.

There are a lot of things that I’m proud of, particularly the life shift that I’ve initiated. I’ve been stepping up to the plate, owning my dreams and making them happen. However, there are still a bunch of things that I haven’t done, or am still battling that bug the hell out of me everyday. They’re so powerful that even on my best of best days, they’re still there looming over my head reminding me; “Katie, you can play happy all you want, but we’re still here, we’re not gone yet.” Then, I answer them sometimes, and I’m all “Shut the eff up, you stupid, good for nothing freaks. I hate you. HATE YOU!”

That awesome outburst is often followed by a “Sorry, Sr. Mary Magdalene, I’m still here. When can I come in for the Sunday School Teacher Training?”

I’m pretty sure that everyone says “You gotta take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad”. My whole goal here with writing on Stratejoy, is to reach out and let people inside of not only the Katie I’m becoming, but the Katie who I have been. I’m wanting you guys to know all of me.

I know that stepping up and letting you get to know me deeper is the key to creating authentic relationships.

On that note, I’m going to put myself out there. I’m going to practice stepping up and owning other areas of my life. I’m going to do that thing that I always dread doing when meeting someone new, or taking any kind of friendship onto a deeper level of sharing. These are my rough spots. The things that make me nervous talking about, but I’m going to share a list of things that I like to call.

“Things that I’m not exactly proud of, but I want you to know about me anyway, because I want you to love me for me, not me minus the rough spots”

Alternatively titled: “Please don’t hate me because I really do love you and stepping up takes guts, right?”

I’m really bad at commitment. Like really bad. I’ve never cheated on any of my boyfriends that I’ve had, but my mind starts going there when I’m bored. This is the same thing for jobs, too. This is why freelance is my ideal position, because I don’t get bored since I’m always doing something new. Adding to this, I’m very good at starting things, but I have no follow through.
I am clinically depressed. I’ve been this way for several years now, but I’ve only taken strides at getting help over the last year. Some days, I’m fine. Some moments I’m fine. However, at any given moment, a demon from the past will find its way into my mind and kill my mood completely. Through some thought stopping techniques and meditation, I’ve learned how to overcome a lot of this, however it’s still there and always will be.
I contemplated Suicide in June of last year. My depression had gotten so bad, that I just wanted to get away from it. I stopped paying my bills, and spending money frivolously in an attempt to live out my last few months to the fullest. It went away for a short time, when I had started taking medication, but it then returned again in late October. This time, I told myself I was serious. I was Googling Crisis Centers in my area when I received the e-mail from Twenty Something Bloggers asking me to take part in a 30 Day Life Coaching program. I agreed thinking, “If this doesn’t work, then I know there’s no point in going on.” I gave myself 30 days to figure out what kind of funk I was in.
The spending that I did during my depression caused me to become addicted. So, I’m Katie, and I am an addict. I’m recovering from a shopping addiction. I didn’t care what Peter I had to rob to pay Paul, Paul of course was the local Old Navy or Macy’s. Peter was family, or other bills that were due. This is something I’ve since overcome, but I still feel super guilty when I buy something. It takes me about 30 minutes to make the decision to purchase something in a store.
I never graduated High School. Did I ever tell you that I did? I hope not. That was one of my favorite lies to tell. I didn’t want people to think that I was dumb, or stupid or a failure. I dropped out of my senior year of high school because I had cut so many classes to see my then boyfriend that I was on “no credit status” meaning I wouldn’t be graduating. (note: I’ve enrolled in online courses, and will be getting my REAL diploma in a few short months!)

Are you still reading?

Do you hate me or think I’m a bad person? I definitely hated who I was for the longest time.

There’s no way to sugar coat it. My bad is pretty bad, but the important thing to note is that my bad points are things that I want to change, and have taken steps in order to do so. If you don’t like something, change it. I firmly believe that the answer to change is action.

I’d love for you guys to get a little real with me too.

What’s something that you’re ‘ashamed of’? Own it, and tell me what it is, even if it’s something you’ve never told someone before. Do you want to change it? How are you planning on doing it?

Let’s take our friendship to the next level – you know, sharing things.

image credit: phoog.uk

Comments (21)

373021 Responses2010-04-01+17%3A00%3A53Katie to “Owning My Mistakes: Stepping Up and Getting Real”

Katie Says:
April 1st, 2010 at 6:30 pm
It feels awesome to see the faults of others. Does that sound really bad? I bet it does. The whole idea of emotional nudity, is scary. Much like regular nudity to a lot of people, and doing it not-so-alone is awesome.

Sure thing, girlfriend. We can chat, skype, whatever you need, whenever you need it. Or, you always have a sofa in Philadelphia to crash on
Katie Says:
April 1st, 2010 at 6:32 pm
It's the truth. The fact of the matter is that we are all a little self centered and think that our problems are the worst. But everyone has their issues, and we choose to carry them with us forever, or shift the weight of them so it's more evenly distributed.

YOURE AWESOME.
Emma Says:
April 1st, 2010 at 7:06 pm
I definitely don't think dropping out of high school makes you dumb – and it's because you're not a stereotype! You're a person! An honest person definitely worth loving. Congratulations on your diploma! Thank you for setting such a strong example for us
Annonymous Says:
April 1st, 2010 at 7:59 pm
I graduated in the top 10% of my high school class with big dreams of being a lawyer.

Today – six years later – I am 30 credits shy of a college degree I really don't know that I ever have any desire to finish and am in the midst of filing for bankruptcy. I am much more embarrassed by the bankruptcy. I have dated and been intimate with men that I would never have introduced to my mother and I would never want my current partner to meet.

I think I am still more embarrassed by the bankruptcy.

The fact that you are getting your life back on track is AMAZING! It takes a lot of courage to look in the mirror, acknowledge you are unhappy with something or have made some mistakes and then set out to rectify them.
Erica Says:
April 1st, 2010 at 9:07 pm
Katie – I don't hate you or think you are a bad person at all! In fact, I am blown away by your honesty and your attitude. Even though our pasts are seemingly different, they have led us to a similar present. I am in the process of putting the past away, changing what is not serving me in productive ways and living for now. I love this post, thank you for it.
Katie [blogs] Says:
April 1st, 2010 at 9:56 pm
It's the truth. The fact of the matter is that we are all a little self centered and think that our problems are the worst. But everyone has their issues, and we choose to carry them with us forever, or shift the weight of them so it's more evenly distributed.
Katie [blogs] Says:
April 1st, 2010 at 10:00 pm
You know, my credit isn't the best. For sure, and I can totally relate. Sometimes I feel that if I was financially secure, I'd be happier. I have a feeling that I'd pick something else that I'd hate if that were the case.

As for your awesome self, I hope you're completely happy. If you're broke and happy, then so be it. If you're bankrupt and happy, then so be it. There's plenty of repair that you can seek out for bankruptcy. My mom actually filed, and she now has a home and a new car, and pristine credit.

Above all, BE EFFING HAPPY.
Katie [blogs] Says:
April 1st, 2010 at 10:02 pm
I feel like we're all kinds of friends and crap

You really hit the nail on the head. It's all the ugly things that make us all so independent and beautiful. I read all of those things you said, and at the end I still find you be a perfectly awesome person.

You rock. And I mean that. For REAL.
Katie [blogs] Says:
April 1st, 2010 at 10:04 pm
Erica, thank you. The most amazing part of this whole thing — coming "clean" is that people still accept me. And that's my fear, that the people that mean the most to me will not accept my past, or be so hurt that I held it from them. Thank you SO INCREDIBLY MUCH for being so great about this, and I would love to hear more about the things that you're going through right now, even if they are totally different.
Katie [blogs] Says:
April 1st, 2010 at 10:07 pm
I can totally relate to the sex thing, girl. First off, though, thank you incredibly much for sticking by me and always being an awesome person. Our chats, and random jokes keep me smiling, and realizing that people really do appreciate my sick sense of humor self.

Love you right back, and can't wait to see you again, and taking HORRIBLE ASS PICTURES of you.

As for your issues with sex, definitely acknowledge them….then move forward with them. If you ever need an anonymous way to vent, you know where to find me… and my blog
Heather Rae Says:
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:08 am
I LOVE this post. You are so amazing (and courageous) for opening up and putting it all out there. It takes a strong person to open up like that and move forward. I'm really happy to hear that you're getting your life on a track that you feel good about. You are AWESOME!
Lizzie Says:
April 2nd, 2010 at 3:25 pm
There is nothing at all in this post that would make anybody hate you! If anything I almost envy you for being brave enough to be so honest. I dont like to tell anyone anything about myself and I admire how you lay your cards on the table and say 'this is who I am'. Your obviously very strong and I know that you will change everything you want to in your life but I hope you will also appreciate the good things about yourself too. Dont ever change your honesty – its a beautiful trait big hugs xx
Katie [blogs] Says:
April 2nd, 2010 at 4:14 pm
I find it so difficult to open up – partly because of judgment but partly because I feel like I'm implying on people. I, however can talk day in and day out to people about thier issues.

Thanks for the "Our lives are marathons…" insight. That makes incredible sense, and makes me feel better already
Katie [blogs] Says:
April 2nd, 2010 at 4:15 pm
Thanks, girlfriend. It definitely has been a hard journey, but I've found that I really do crave quality, true friendships, and order for this to be attainable, I have to be honest. Thanks for your never ending support.
Katie [blogs] Says:
April 2nd, 2010 at 4:16 pm
Thanks, lovely. The support on this post is amazing. Part of me still wonders…"Well what do the naysayers think?" But then I realize that I have a handful of people who do accept me, and my faults, and are cheering for me in my bleachers. PRICELESS.
Taryn Says:
April 2nd, 2010 at 7:20 pm
Katie- thank you for having so much courage and honesty. You are a very talented individual and you should be so proud of how much you are inspiring others, and helping others to grow. I've really enjoyed reading your posts- you are really going to go places
Renee Says:
April 3rd, 2010 at 3:42 am
Katie,

Thank you. I needed to read this today. This semester has been full of what I've thought were 'lowest points'–at least, the lowest of the past few years. I'm paying off my aunt's medical bills, but I just lost my job that I work at when I'm not in school. I'm starting the process to become an ordained minister, and then I found out I was pregnant from a guy who just broke up with me (it was a short relationship, but not being married first's usually a dealbreaker, at least for a few years until they decide you have your 'life on track' again). I had accepted this new path in my life, and was actually getting excited for it–I mean, it'd be hard, but I have so much love in my heart that I know it'd all work out. Then I lost the baby. Add on to this that, in the bustle, I didn't spend much time on my midterm for one of my classes and actually inadvertently plagiarized a paragraph of a study, so I'm getting a zero for that midterm. I'm also not telling the school about my personal issues, because I'm scared shitless that it'll affect my future career.

This all just fully blew up in my face this past week. It's been rough–no, devastating. But it's really started to put things back in perspective for me. No one is perfect. You can try, but life is still going to happen. And the more you pretend to be perfect in that time, the harder it'll be for you to deal with the imperfection when it comes. For me, that was manifest in my failure to succeed in the single thing in that list that I could have controlled–that midterm. But I'm still the exact same person I was three months ago. I'm an optimist. I believe in the beauty and goodness of mankind. And I have, once again, experienced such crumbling imperfection and shame that I cannot judge anyone else around me, nor can I forget that, regardless of how terrible this week has been for me, someone has experienced worse. It's my duty, as a human being and a part of the world community, to remember this and help anyone who needs some help along the way–because all of us can use an outstretched hand or a hug now and again.
Katie [blogs] Says:
April 3rd, 2010 at 2:00 pm
Taryn, your words of how you enjoy my posts really touches me and crap – Honestly, these group of Season 2 ladies are phenomenal and sometimes, I feel like the weakest link. I know I know, I'm only as good as I believe in myself to be, but we all have those silly weaknesses. ANYWAY, thanks so much for coming back over and over, and I do hope that your journey to wherever you're going is rocking as hard as you do!
Katie [blogs] Says:
April 3rd, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Renee –

Wow, life sure as hell hit you quickly! Usually, I'm a little weary on mentioning God, but since you mentioned becoming an ordained mister, I know you'll accept this and I won't offend you. I think we all have one view of God that helps us get through. Mine? "If God brings you to it, he'll get your through it". I think it's amazing that even though life threw so much shit at you, that you're going strong and remembering who you are. We all have moments of weakness – downtime – uncertain times, but it's then that you look at the inspiration around you, and in yourself and get back on track.

You're amazing, and you're my true inspiration for the day, and beyond.

If you ever need a venting place, please do not hesitate to get in touch. Ever!
Shaf Says:
April 5th, 2010 at 5:37 pm
Hi Katie,

I think its great that you're sharing your innermost thoughts, feelings and even troubles. I don't think you're a bad person. In fact I think you're awesome for being truthful and sharing it with others. Like many who've posted I've had issues as well. I started my own business and got in the worst debt imaginable. I secluded myself from family and friends for well-over a year. I was so ashamed of not achieving my business and financial goals. I felt like a true loser and felt everyone thought the same thing.

In the midst of that I have 1 son with another on the way. I'm with my boyfriend but we aren't married. So of course I dealt with not only outside criticism but really kicking myself for my life not being any way I thought I'd turn out at the ripe age of 26.

I had an emotional breakdown on the 1st of this year. I just looked myself in the mirror not too long ago ago and started to own up to my circumstances. And now I'm actively working to change it. I'm dealing with my emotions in a positive way, embracing all of my learning experiences good and bad, and letting go of the guilt and shame I've carried for my "so-called" mistakes. I'm finally pursuing my true passion, being authentic and getting out of my head and connecting with others. Showing people the true me and healing myself in the process.

@Amy Don't feel bad about the credit. It's something I can identify with. As long as you use it as a learning experience and keep moving forward.

@Tooshy and Anonymous. As someone who was on the brink of bankruptcy myself, I understand totally how it feels. The guilt and shame can be a beast. What helped me is that I decided to change the meaning of the whole experience. Instead of punishing myself I decided to trust that I had my experience for a very specific reason. It helped me become stronger, to develop my negotiation skills, become more resourceful and creative. I've created an entirely new and empowering meaning from it and I'd encourage you to do the same. Forgive yourself, learn the lesson and move on. And if it makes you feel any better……just know the person who's calling you to collect is only 2 paychecks away from being on the opposite end of the phone. It puts things into perspective. It can happen to anyone.
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