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Finding My Way Back Home

posted 27th May 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

Nelson Mandela said “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.”

John Wayne said “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”

Growing up, I wasn’t afraid of much. I was able to go to the circus, climb the jungle gym, sleep in the dark,  and stay home alone. One of my friends was afraid of clowns, and I thought that was kind of awesome, so I decided to be afraid of clowns too, even though it was all for show. Sometimes, I’d forget that I was “afraid of clowns”, find myself at the circus and someone would call me out on it. I’d then say “I didn’t even see the clown! Why did you even show me?” Eventually I kind of got tired of the effort that went into being “afraid” of the clowns, so I gave it up.

When I had a car, I spent a lot of time driving all over the place. I wasn’t afraid of getting lost. I knew I’d always find my way back home because, well, eventually after you make enough left hand turns, the surroundings start looking right. I’ve been lost in terms of physical location dozens of times in my life, and I always, always find my way back home. I don’t even think about the possibility of not making it home because I’ve been in the situation so many times and it always works out. 

Chances are, I intentionally got lost for the thrill, or the chance to clear my head.

It’s the other times of being lost that I don’t enjoy. When I accidentally get lost in an area that I shouldn’t have.  Or, when I get emotionally lost, which I’ve been having more and more experiences with than I would like. It’s during these times that my intense fear sets in.

What happens if I don’t find my way home? What happens if one time, I get “lost’ forever?

So far, I’ve been lucky enough to eventually find my way back to my home, sanity, or state of bliss depending on the situation. For that I’m incredibly thankful. I’m even okay with the idea of getting lost again, the inevitable doesn’t scare me. It’s the point when I realize I’m actually lost, it’s in that moment that the fear really sets in. Will I ever find my way back? Will I never know what it’s like to be “found” again?

“When you’re lost it’s amazing to find your way back to life.”

My Faith in myself, and the power of positive thinking keeps me from giving up hope, but there’s still that aching fear, “What if this is it? What if I can’t beat it this time?”

I’m finding myself in another bout of “bad” depression right now. I give myself different levels – there’s the “constant” one that I’ll always have. Kind of like the “once an addict always an addict” point of view. Or how diabetics are still diabetics even when their sugar level is “normal”.  Then, there’s the rough day or rough minute. I’ve gotten really good at handling those.

I’m a “rough day” master!

Then there’s the bad where I’m an emotional timebomb ready to blow up in a pile of tears and blubbering. My heart aches out of my chest, and my Faith in myself stumbles. This one lasts more than a day, and I’m unable to shake it off like a tough day. It takes all of the energy in the world to get out of bed.

Putting a smile on your face and pretending to be “okay” enough so people won’t freak out and try to send me to the nearest crisis center is one of the hardest things ever.

It’s not the idea of crashing that I’m afraid of. I don’t mind pain all that much, either emotional or physical. As long as I know that help and relief are on the way, I’m relatively okay. The fear lies in the idea and possibility that I won’t get better this time. The fear lies in the possibility that I won’t muster up the strength to overcome it this time.  The fear lies in the idea that I’ll let myself down and not find my way home again.

Never finding my way back isn’t likely, and I understand that.  The sad truth that it’s very possible is what scares me more than anything.  As far as I’m aware, there is no real solution to this other than to make it through each day one day at a time. When days are too difficult to take, I take it  hour by hour, and when hours are too difficult I do minute to minute.  The fear is going to be with me no matter what, but I’ve always pressed on in sincere hope that relief is on the way, even though it might not be.

If nothing else, I’ll try. And I’ll fight the good fight until I find my way back home.

So, Courage, please help me find my way home again. You’ve never let me down before. I’m lost and afraid and I just want to be home.

“Courage doesn’t always roar, Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, ‘I’ll try again tomorrow’ “.

*Photo Credit: (via)

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Apartment Hunting… Not So Fun

posted 26th May 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Season 2

I’m in the middle of apartment hunting, and I’ve realized something.  It sucks.  Especially when you’re apartment hunting in another state.

Did I mention that I’m moving to Seattle? Yep, I sure am.  The fiancé is starting his pediatrics residency at a hospital up there, and we’re making a permanent move (well, at least three years) come the end of June.

In some ways, I’m super excited. I’ve always wanted to spend time in the Pacific Northwest and can’t wait to explore the outdoors and revel in the greenery.  I grew up in Las Vegas, so the idea of being somewhere that trees grow naturally is pretty fantastic.  (Not to mention, I get to meet the fabulous Molly up close and in person!)

Though, in other ways, I’m kind of freaked out about this move. For one, we are yet to decide on an apartment.  We’ve lived in the same apartment for over six years.  And we have the most amazing neighbors ever.  Seriously.  No one has moved in or out of our building since we first got here.  We know everyone personally.  We borrow eggs, hang out in the evenings and get baked goods brought to our door by the pastry chef downstairs. How do you compete with that?

I have my share of gripes about the place that I currently live.  The apartment is small and it’s old and, let’s be honest, the landlord doesn’t maintain it all that well.  What makes up for these shortfalls is that the neighbors are freaking stellar, the neighborhood is safe, and we’re within walking distance of pretty much everything we could need in the city (while still living in a residential area).

Oh, and did I mention it’s like the cheapest apartment in all of Pasadena?

I’ll be sad to leave.

But I’ve wanted to get out of the Los Angeles area for a while now.  So I’m ready for this.  Now we just have to find a place to live.

We took one trip to Seattle already.  The trip went okay, but we didn’t find a complex that fit both our budget and our taste.  Bummer.  (For the record, we’re completely used to this.  We do live in Pasadena, after all.)  So we set it aside for a while and decided to wait until closer to moving day.  At this point, we’re officially back full force in the apartment search.

And let me tell you, it’s not fun.

I’m likely being difficult because, prior to the apartment where I currently live, I’ve had some pretty bad experiences.  I’ve had my share of ridiculously noisy neighbors, parking nightmares and poor maintenance.  And I’ve moved a lot.  I’m pretty much done with the life of my younger self.  I like having roots, knowing my neighbors and feeling like I live in a true community.

Steven’s residency is three years, and I have every intention of moving into a place and not moving out until the residency is done.  I just don’t have the energy I once had to pack up my things and move in case the living situation doesn’t fit our ideal.

Right now, I’m scouring the internet for apartment listings and talking with friends about recommended neighborhoods.  I was feeling pretty good about our search.

Well, that is, until I started reading the online reviews about apartment complexes.  And that took me down an entirely different path.  Pretty much every apartment complex, with the exception of those completely out of our price range, has received dismal ratings.  Ugh.

Once again, ignorance was bliss.  Back to reality.

So that’s what I’m somewhat obsessed with at the moment.  And I’m sort of feeling frustrated (not to mention, pretty darn unmotivated).  But I’m doing it anyway.

Wish me luck (I think I’m going to need it).

photo credit: rutlo

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The “I’ll Be Happy When” Syndrome

posted 25th May 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I catch myself doing it all the time. “I’ll be happy when I have more money” or, “I’ll be happy when I’ve traveled all around the world,” or, “I’ll be happy when I’m in better shape” or, “I’ll be happy when I publish a book.” When, when, when.

There always seems to be a “when,” doesn’t there? A point in the future that when you pass it, you’ll definitely be happier than happy.

Except what happens when you do get there? What happens when you look around and realize that you have everything you ever thought you wanted, and yet you feel like you still want more? When does ambitious become greedy?

When does chasing a dream turn into chasing a mirage?

Maybe this is what the Quarterlife Crisis is all about: learning how to be happy. Maybe being an adult means learning how to not get stuck in the agonizing cycle of the When Syndrome and appreciate what you have while setting challengingly realistic goals for the future.

I don’t know.

But, what I do know is that getting stuck in the cycle of “when when when” is one of my biggest fears. I’m constantly trying to assess what I want to understand where it fits among the puzzle pieces of everything else that makes up my life, and I’m terrified of wanting so much that I’m constantly doing the “when” thing and am never just wholly satisfied with where I am at any given moment.

Part of the fear, I think, comes from feeling that if I let myself be satisfied with where I am, I’ll get lazy. I worry that, “I’ll be happy when” will turn to, “Oh, I don’t need to pursue anything more because it’s fine the way it is.” And yes, even as I say that I understand how ridiculous it sounds. I get it. I get that like most every situation, there’s a middle ground between the two unwanted extremes; I just can’t seem to get there.

I think, really, that the heart of it is that I don’t know how to just let myself be happy.

I don’t know how to live so that I’m simultaneously content with where I am and proud of what I’ve accomplished while also staying focused on my big dreams. I’m much more comfortable operating at one of two ends of the spectrum, either being deliriously happy with what I have and not needing/wanting more, or being completely dissatisfied and struggling to change.

How is it possible for people to feel a combination of both of those at the same time?

Do people actually feel this way?

photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

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A Roadblock on my Journey to Authentic Happiness

posted 20th May 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I need to get this out there, and deviate away from my planned blog post for this week. For nearly 5 months, I’ve been journeying down my path to authentic happiness and loving it.  All of a sudden, I’ve found myself miserable. I feel like I’m going through a break-up or grieving some sort of loss.

I know, I know, “Sell me on the good stuff! Tell me the Quarter Live crisis is just a phase and everything will be okay! Once I learn how to handle it, it’s smooth sailing.”

Sorry, lovemuffin. It’s not cut and dry like that. I’m quickly learning that.

The last few weeks have been what I can only describe as a blur of emotions, realizations, endings and new beginnings.  For a good few months, I was riding on the high of the anticipation of a new life according to me.  It was an amazing high, and I craved it. There was nothing wrong with this, of course, until the day when I realized that I was focusing more on the end result, and not enough about how to get there.

I also paid so much focus on the future that I neglected to focus on the present moment and the things around me. Because of that, I started to ignore priorities, opportunities, and MYSELF.

Every weekend, I go out. Every. Single. Weekend. Every Wednesday I go out. Every Single. Wednesday.

Both of these days are designated “roommate date nights”, and according to the unspoken roommate code, you don’t cancel on roommate date night(s). A seemingly good opportunity to get out of the house and spend time with my beloved roomies, I held true to the plans even on nights when my heart wasn’t in it. My brain would say “Katie, you HAVE to go. It’s Date Night!” Ironically, my brain says to me exactly what  one of my roommates has when I’ve tried to cancel on date night. The guilt trip gets laid on me,  and inevitably, I end up out until the wee morning hours on a work night.

There are dozens of similar situations in which my brain is saying “Come on, let’s go” and my heart is saying, “No”. As individual events, they all seem like just little things. When you put them all together, you get one big cluster-shit of things that my heart doesn’t want to do. Each thing that I do, my heart just keeps getting more and more pissed at my brain for doing crap it doesn’t want to do.

If my heart had a voice it’d say something like  “Dude, Brain, everyday, we’re doing shit that you want to do, how about we try to do some things that I want to do?”

I’ve become really great at thinking myself out of feeling negative things. It works in the moment, and gets me back on the road to functioning with a smile on my face. I’m learning to realize though, that maybe, just maybe I need to allow myself to feel sad, or disappointed, or God Forbid “say no” to something that I don’t want to do.

Since I’ve begun creating a life of joy for myself, I’ve been very conscious of not worrying about my past and creating a future. In the process I lost sight of  paying attention to not only what I want but also knowing what I need.

This past week, a very good friend of mine came over to my house. You know, the one that still doesn’t feel like home yet?  She stopped by to drop a few things off to me, and she stayed for a few hours and we just played Wii, laughed, joked and had a great time.

I had a taste of authentic happiness, and I want more of it.

I’m making a commitment right here and right now to start listening to my heart a bit more, and my brain a bit less. I want to do things that really make me happy. When I’m feeling happy, I want to know that it’s my heart feeling happy and not just my brain trying to convince me.

My heart is tired of being on the back burner. My emotions and heart are tired of pretending that they’re content with things that they aren’t. I’m emotionally exhausted and my eyes are dry from crying so much over the last few days.

I just want to be happy. Truly, authentically happy.

*Photo Credit: Funkyah

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Here’s to the Journey

posted 19th May 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Season 2, What I've Learned

I’ve finally given myself a free day, one where I sit around the house, eat too many sweets and catch up on all my favorite shows.  It’s been bliss.  But tell me, why is it I can’t get through an episode of Army Wives without tears?

The good thing is the tears these days have been strictly limited to sappy television shows.  I’ll let you in on a secret — I’m really, really happy.

There’s something incredibly freeing about finding just what it is you’re passionate about and allowing yourself to follow that passion.  For years, I’ve explored my varied interests, hoping that at some point, one would stick with me.

I believe I’ve finally found that one thing.  Every day I get excited about my writing, even on the days when I’m not so excited about what it is that I actually write.  Feeling this way, well, it’s put me on cloud nine.

Since I quit my job, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs.  Some days I felt I was heading in the exact right direction, and other days I felt I completely screwed up my life.  Occasionally, I thought quitting was a mistake, like I should have stuck it out at my job until my future as a writer was more certain. But I’ve made it through those stumbling blocks.  As the weeks and months have passed, things have settled down.  I’m writing every day, I’m making plans for how to keep writing in the future (even once that savings account of mine runs dry), and I’m feeling good.  Actually, no.  Not good – I’m feeling great.

I know I’ve mentioned before that I have a tendency to be an over-the-top worrier.  I stress about everything.  Things that are simple, I tend to make difficult.  I have this innate need to control everything.  Yet somehow, throwing myself into this world of uncertainty has perhaps been one of the best choices I’ve ever made.

Letting go can be freeing.  And I think that’s where I’m at right now.  I’ve let go of the outcome, and I’m focused on the journey.  I believe that’s the secret to my happiness at the moment.

A friend of mine posted on Twitter earlier this week: “Let go of the idea of getting to the end of a journey.  You are on the journey, and that’s what it’s about.  The goal is for it to never end.”

That resonates with me.  The fact that I’m on the journey, that I’m taking chances, that I’m chasing the big dreams — that’s what it’s all about.

It’s not about whether I ever make it to the New York Times bestseller list (not that that wouldn’t be amazing).  It’s about whether or not I take the steps that give me the chance to get there in the first place.

So often, I let myself back out of things because I’m scared.  I allow myself to not follow through on an opportunity because I don’t want to fail (and I certainly don’t want to fail in public).  I read somewhere that if you plan to be a big success, you better really get used to failing.  Because people who are successful take chances.  And they fail (sometimes, they fail a lot).

That’s what I’m focusing on right now.  I’m getting comfortable with the idea that I may not be successful right away.  My first book may not be a runaway best seller.  Hell, it may not even get picked up by a publishing company.  But I’m not letting that stop me.  I’m not letting the fear take over.  I’m focusing on the writing, on perfecting my skill and my craft.  No matter what happens with the book, I’m going to keep writing.  And I know eventually, that will pay off.

So here’s to the journey.  Tell me, what journey are you on?

photo credit: alicepopkorn

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