A Roadblock on my Journey to Authentic Happiness

posted 20th May 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I need to get this out there, and deviate away from my planned blog post for this week. For nearly 5 months, I’ve been journeying down my path to authentic happiness and loving it.  All of a sudden, I’ve found myself miserable. I feel like I’m going through a break-up or grieving some sort of loss.

I know, I know, “Sell me on the good stuff! Tell me the Quarter Live crisis is just a phase and everything will be okay! Once I learn how to handle it, it’s smooth sailing.”

Sorry, lovemuffin. It’s not cut and dry like that. I’m quickly learning that.

The last few weeks have been what I can only describe as a blur of emotions, realizations, endings and new beginnings.  For a good few months, I was riding on the high of the anticipation of a new life according to me.  It was an amazing high, and I craved it. There was nothing wrong with this, of course, until the day when I realized that I was focusing more on the end result, and not enough about how to get there.

I also paid so much focus on the future that I neglected to focus on the present moment and the things around me. Because of that, I started to ignore priorities, opportunities, and MYSELF.

Every weekend, I go out. Every. Single. Weekend. Every Wednesday I go out. Every Single. Wednesday.

Both of these days are designated “roommate date nights”, and according to the unspoken roommate code, you don’t cancel on roommate date night(s). A seemingly good opportunity to get out of the house and spend time with my beloved roomies, I held true to the plans even on nights when my heart wasn’t in it. My brain would say “Katie, you HAVE to go. It’s Date Night!” Ironically, my brain says to me exactly what  one of my roommates has when I’ve tried to cancel on date night. The guilt trip gets laid on me,  and inevitably, I end up out until the wee morning hours on a work night.

There are dozens of similar situations in which my brain is saying “Come on, let’s go” and my heart is saying, “No”. As individual events, they all seem like just little things. When you put them all together, you get one big cluster-shit of things that my heart doesn’t want to do. Each thing that I do, my heart just keeps getting more and more pissed at my brain for doing crap it doesn’t want to do.

If my heart had a voice it’d say something like  “Dude, Brain, everyday, we’re doing shit that you want to do, how about we try to do some things that I want to do?”

I’ve become really great at thinking myself out of feeling negative things. It works in the moment, and gets me back on the road to functioning with a smile on my face. I’m learning to realize though, that maybe, just maybe I need to allow myself to feel sad, or disappointed, or God Forbid “say no” to something that I don’t want to do.

Since I’ve begun creating a life of joy for myself, I’ve been very conscious of not worrying about my past and creating a future. In the process I lost sight of  paying attention to not only what I want but also knowing what I need.

This past week, a very good friend of mine came over to my house. You know, the one that still doesn’t feel like home yet?  She stopped by to drop a few things off to me, and she stayed for a few hours and we just played Wii, laughed, joked and had a great time.

I had a taste of authentic happiness, and I want more of it.

I’m making a commitment right here and right now to start listening to my heart a bit more, and my brain a bit less. I want to do things that really make me happy. When I’m feeling happy, I want to know that it’s my heart feeling happy and not just my brain trying to convince me.

My heart is tired of being on the back burner. My emotions and heart are tired of pretending that they’re content with things that they aren’t. I’m emotionally exhausted and my eyes are dry from crying so much over the last few days.

I just want to be happy. Truly, authentically happy.

*Photo Credit: Funkyah

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Comments (7)

7 Responses to “A Roadblock on my Journey to Authentic Happiness”

  • Heather Rae Says:
    May 20th, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    I'm cheering you on in your journey to authentic happiness! I know how it is, doing things that your brain tries to convince you will make you happy, even when you know in your heart that's not true. That's probably one of the most difficult things I face on a regular basis. I've gotten better – but I think I still have a ways to go with that particular journey. Just know you're not alone with this one!

  • Jen Chantrill Says:
    May 20th, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Katie-I loved your article. I have been experiencing everything you wrote about, pretty much word for word. Some of my personal work this past 6 months or so is learning to be okay with the process of whatever I am working on whether it be a job, my small business, blogging, relationship, and life in general. When we stop attaching the end result with happiness, we can experience an AMAZING expansive sense of freedom and true joy. I have also been working with the "being with my emotions" exercise which simply is sitting with the emotion you are experiencing from a physical sense instead of the head. For instance, I know that fear and sadness lay deep in my chest and I just notice it and stay with it, being careful not to make judgements.

    I wish you the best in your continual process :)

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    May 21st, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Thanks, girl. It's been a tough few weeks on my end. It's not always rainbows and butterflies on this thing, which is awesome as much as it is tragic. But, I'm moving forward…. trying to do more things that my heart wants to do, and somehow, I feel a bit better.

  • Positively Present Says:
    May 22nd, 2010 at 5:52 am

    Just found your blog via Life After College and I'm SO glad that I did. I really love what I've read on your site so far and I've just added you to my RSS feed! :)

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    May 23rd, 2010 at 12:12 am

    Hey Jen, thanks for this! I carry my anger AND sadness in my chest and it's something that is a vicious cycle when I feel it. As in – I feel mad, so my chest hurts, and then I'm made that it hurts. It's definitely a journey, and I hope one to a place where I'm content with myself and my situation.

    I wish you the same luck, lady! We're rockstars, I know that much!

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    May 23rd, 2010 at 12:36 am

    I'm for one sure glad that you're here! Looking forward to talking more with ya! :)

  • Chasing Away the Black Cloud | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    June 3rd, 2010 at 9:02 am

    [...] been a little rough on my end, as if you couldn’t tell by my most recent two posts [Found here. and here [...]

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