Finding My Way Back Home

posted 27th May 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, What I've Learned

Nelson Mandela said “Courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.”

John Wayne said “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway.”

Growing up, I wasn’t afraid of much. I was able to go to the circus, climb the jungle gym, sleep in the dark,  and stay home alone. One of my friends was afraid of clowns, and I thought that was kind of awesome, so I decided to be afraid of clowns too, even though it was all for show. Sometimes, I’d forget that I was “afraid of clowns”, find myself at the circus and someone would call me out on it. I’d then say “I didn’t even see the clown! Why did you even show me?” Eventually I kind of got tired of the effort that went into being “afraid” of the clowns, so I gave it up.

When I had a car, I spent a lot of time driving all over the place. I wasn’t afraid of getting lost. I knew I’d always find my way back home because, well, eventually after you make enough left hand turns, the surroundings start looking right. I’ve been lost in terms of physical location dozens of times in my life, and I always, always find my way back home. I don’t even think about the possibility of not making it home because I’ve been in the situation so many times and it always works out. 

Chances are, I intentionally got lost for the thrill, or the chance to clear my head.

It’s the other times of being lost that I don’t enjoy. When I accidentally get lost in an area that I shouldn’t have.  Or, when I get emotionally lost, which I’ve been having more and more experiences with than I would like. It’s during these times that my intense fear sets in.

What happens if I don’t find my way home? What happens if one time, I get “lost’ forever?

So far, I’ve been lucky enough to eventually find my way back to my home, sanity, or state of bliss depending on the situation. For that I’m incredibly thankful. I’m even okay with the idea of getting lost again, the inevitable doesn’t scare me. It’s the point when I realize I’m actually lost, it’s in that moment that the fear really sets in. Will I ever find my way back? Will I never know what it’s like to be “found” again?

“When you’re lost it’s amazing to find your way back to life.”

My Faith in myself, and the power of positive thinking keeps me from giving up hope, but there’s still that aching fear, “What if this is it? What if I can’t beat it this time?”

I’m finding myself in another bout of “bad” depression right now. I give myself different levels – there’s the “constant” one that I’ll always have. Kind of like the “once an addict always an addict” point of view. Or how diabetics are still diabetics even when their sugar level is “normal”.  Then, there’s the rough day or rough minute. I’ve gotten really good at handling those.

I’m a “rough day” master!

Then there’s the bad where I’m an emotional timebomb ready to blow up in a pile of tears and blubbering. My heart aches out of my chest, and my Faith in myself stumbles. This one lasts more than a day, and I’m unable to shake it off like a tough day. It takes all of the energy in the world to get out of bed.

Putting a smile on your face and pretending to be “okay” enough so people won’t freak out and try to send me to the nearest crisis center is one of the hardest things ever.

It’s not the idea of crashing that I’m afraid of. I don’t mind pain all that much, either emotional or physical. As long as I know that help and relief are on the way, I’m relatively okay. The fear lies in the idea and possibility that I won’t get better this time. The fear lies in the possibility that I won’t muster up the strength to overcome it this time.  The fear lies in the idea that I’ll let myself down and not find my way home again.

Never finding my way back isn’t likely, and I understand that.  The sad truth that it’s very possible is what scares me more than anything.  As far as I’m aware, there is no real solution to this other than to make it through each day one day at a time. When days are too difficult to take, I take it  hour by hour, and when hours are too difficult I do minute to minute.  The fear is going to be with me no matter what, but I’ve always pressed on in sincere hope that relief is on the way, even though it might not be.

If nothing else, I’ll try. And I’ll fight the good fight until I find my way back home.

So, Courage, please help me find my way home again. You’ve never let me down before. I’m lost and afraid and I just want to be home.

“Courage doesn’t always roar, Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, ‘I’ll try again tomorrow’ “.

*Photo Credit: (via)

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Comments (3)

3 Responses to “Finding My Way Back Home”

  • Heather Rae Says:
    May 28th, 2010 at 5:52 pm

    Life has a way of ebbing and flowing. Even when we're feeling our lowest, if we just hang in there, things will change. That's one thing that's always guaranteed — everything changes. So even if you're feeling down or sad right now, that will change too. Like you said, take it one day at a time or one hour or one minute. We're here for you, girl!

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    May 28th, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    Thanks, lady. Sometimes things get super difficult in abundance. It's not one thing, but multiple things. One thing at a time has been my mantra, and it's working wonderfully.

  • My First Post As A Quarterlife Crisis Survivor | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    July 29th, 2010 at 8:01 am

    [...] through (about 3 months ago) I hit my ultimate rock bottom and blogged here about it. I realized that in order for things to change, I had to make changes. Wanting things to change [...]

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