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The Fine Line Between Bending and Breaking

posted 18th May 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: Love/Relationships, Nicole Antoinette, Season 2, What I've Learned

I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries lately, about the point where I end and everything else begins, and about how to let people in in a way that’s far enough but not too far.

I bring this up in conversation one afternoon, during hour three of a six hour road trip, and he tells me that I’m better at setting boundaries than I think I am.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

He tells me.

While he talks, I drive. I drive, and he reminds me that our entire weekend was a web of boundaries. Emotional boundaries, like deciding to date exclusively. Geographic boundaries, like driving from San Francisco to Oregon to cross another state off my list. Physical boundaries, like trying things in bed that we had never tried before.

As he talks, I realize that he’s right. I also realize that with him, I’ve been able to set warm and comfortable boundaries that inch along as time passes and as we change. I realize that our boundaries are soft enough to be malleable as we outgrow them, but hard enough not to let us grow too quickly.

And I decide that this is the most important part of any relationship: setting boundaries that are tight enough to contain you, but not so tight that you suffocate within them.

Our conversation slips to silence and I think.

I think about the ways in which I am stubborn and the ways in which I am flexible. I notice that I am stubborn about how information is shared; I like to tell the other person things on my own terms. I notice, though, that I am flexible on how I absorb information. Communication is communication when I’m on the receiving end.

We keep driving. City to city, little boundary after little boundary, and I think about which parts of myself I’m willing to bend for other people and about which people I’m willing to bend them for. Then, I wonder where the fine line is between bending and breaking. I ask myself, “When are we holding two sides of the same wishbone, pulling on it gently, and when have we snapped it, leaving each person with only one uneven half?”

He stirs the silence. We talk about the learning curve that comes with removing a previous boundary and establishing a new one. I tell myself that you have to break in new boundaries like you’d break in new shoes, and that the key to making any relationship work is to honor the learning curve and let yourself become naturally accustomed to the new framework.

I nod quietly to myself about all of the times I’ve jumped too soon, all of the times when I went from boundary A to boundary F without touching all the letters in between, and I see that each time, I wound up dizzy and covered in learning curve blisters on the other side.

I realize, though, that I’m stubborn about loving these blisters, the ones that have since turned to scars, because they remind me that we can cross boundaries too quickly and yet still always manage to find our way back.

photo credit: woodleywonderworks

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I’m so Excited. And FAQ about the Joy Equation.

posted 17th May 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Molly, Quarterlife Crisis, Stratejoy the Biz

Hello lovelies!

First of all: Thank you.  Thank you for sharing the news of the Big Launch.  Thank you for all the amazing emails, tweets, and Facebook posts exclaiming your excitement to start the course!  Thank you for being a Gutsy Girl and going after your best life with passion, and hope, and faith. Thank you for joining the Tribe and fueling the Movement.

Thank YOU.

XOXO

I wanted to share a pic of the Joy Plans I shipped out last Thursday… This was my first trip to the post office, but definitely not the last this weekend!

I try to hide all the envelopes in a large bag, so the other people in line don’t give me the evil eye!  But as soon as I get to the counter and start whipping out 30 packages, and then start filling out customs forms for the international ones, I can literally hear people groaing in line…

Come on Seattle!  I’m shipping JOY over here! Have some patience!

But I get it.  The Post Office is not my favorite place either.   I’m going to be seeing a lot of it however, so I’m trying to stay positive!

As I’ve been making my way through a million emails, I thought I should answer a few FAQ about The Joy Equation that keep popping up:

Q: CAN I PAY IN INSTALLMENTS?

Normally this question comes with the explanation that some adorable gal out there wants to pay full price for the course, but can’t afford it all up front.

A: Yes!   Pay what you can up front and then there will be another opportunity to make a payment at the end of the 30 days.  Another payment is not necessary of course, but if you’d like to split up the investment- this is the way to do it!

Q: IS THERE A SUPPORT GROUP FOR THE JOY EQUATION?

Note:  You are welcome to start your own, like the fabulous Natasha did with her private Facebook Group!  If you’d like to join up with her crew (I think they’re starting later this month!), head over and request to join.  Or start your own!   Or complete the program with your best friend, sister or mom!  Adding some accountability to the course is an incredible idea.

A: There is no official support group sponsored by Stratejoy at the moment.   There may be in the future.  There is a follow up accountability club that you have the option to join AFTER you complete the 30-days, but you’ll hear more about Club ReFresh later!

Q: CAN I TAKE THIS COURSE IF I’M NOT IN MY TWENTIES?

From what I’ve seen in the last 2 years, the “Quarterlife Crisis” seems to range in age from 20 to 33ish…   You don’t have to be 25 to be feeling the ill effects over crazy expectations, disconnection, and comparison mania.

A: The Joy Equation is definitely aimed at a younger crowd, but it’s more in the marketing and language- NOT the actually bones of the program.  If you like reading the Stratejoy website and resonate with the message, I know the course would be totally inspiring at any age!

So, I suppose the answer is, it’s up to you…  There will be some examples that I use in the audio programs that are pretty specific to 20/30 somethings, but the 30 day process of connecting with yourself and making plans to live an authentic joyful life would be useful and motivating for anyone.

In lovely Leslie’s words…

What other questions do you have for me?   Add them in the comments so I can address them for everyone!

JOY FOR ALL!


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Confession: Moving Did Not Make Me Happy

posted 14th May 2010    Written by: Katie    CATEGORY: Katie, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2, Stratejoy the Biz, What I've Learned

I’ve been moved into my new place for a little over a month now. I thought for sure this would be it; the end of my long battle with depression. Over the last few months, I did some intense soul searching and discovered some things that I wasn’t happy with in my life and made a commitment to change them. Number one on my list was my living conditions.

The opportunity to move in with two awesome roommates presented itself, and I jumped on it.

I pictured my move in day in my head a million times. It would be similar to Carrie walking into the apartment of her dreams with Mr. Big. (Shameless Sex and the City reference. I’ve been reliving the entire season on DVD courtesy of Netflix. And now I’m constantly making references, or pretending my life has a voice over like Carrie Bradshaw. “…And then, I made dinner. And then, I watched a sappy love flick. …and then I whipped out my rabbit, and thought, ‘is this what life has come to? Dinner, a Movie and Sex. Alone?’)

…moving on….

I pictured my move in day to be perfect. I’d walk into the house and all of my troubles, fears, and bad memories would disappear. We’d all sit around and play board games every night, and whenever I had a problem, I’d sit down and talk to my roommates and we’d find a solution. At the end, we’d hug it out while 90′s love ballads  played in the background. And I’d live happily ever after.

My move in day came and I excitedly packed my things and moved. No one was home to welcome me, and no one helped me move. I did it alone. I’ve taken part in a lot of moves, and the majority have been big parties of people drinking beer and eating pizza. Then, sitting around a table playing cards.

That didn’t happen for me at all.

The days that followed my move in weren’t what I thought they’d be either. My roommates both work many hours, and I work from home, so for the most part I’m alone. Which, ideally may sound great but I’m literally in bed right before or after my roommates get home from work. We don’t play board games around the kitchen table.

I haven’t shared my problems with them yet.

I haven’t shared it with you guys over the last few weeks, but I’m going to now; I’ve been having… just a tough time. Several times people close to me have caught me staring off into space and said  ”Katie, where are you? You look like you’re in your head.” They’re right. My mind is constantly going. Moving wasn’t enough to make me happy. I want more. I need more. I deserve more.

I need to make a confession right now. I never finished the Stratejoy program. I started it, did a decent amount of it, told Molly I wanted to blog on behalf of the clan of twenty and thirty somethings, and I just… stopped. I was in a happy place, and I stopped. You might not consider this a big deal, but I feel like I’ve been leading you all on. How many posts have I encouraged you all to do the program? How many times have I said it saved my life, literally? These claims aren’t lies, not in the least.

However, I never got the full benefit of the Joy Equation: A 30-Day Guide To Living Life On Purpose. Because, like most things, I didn’t finish it.

So, what does this have to do with my move and being miserable?

How I realized that I wanted to move was by making a list of things I wanted to change. As I said, Number one was moving. I did that, and while it was liberating and made a big difference, I stopped there. Soon, my “new house” wasn’t my “new house”. I’m not introduced as the “new roommate” anymore. I started my list, but stopped. I felt good for a moment and tried to live off of that life high forever instead of constantly creating new experiences.

It takes a lot of courage to start something, but it takes even more to keep on going with it.

Here and now, friends, family, people I haven’t met, I’m making a commitment. Two, actually.

Number One: I’m moving on to number two of my “Life Changes” list. “Save $1000 over 6 months by not going out as often.”

Number Two: I’m heading over to get another brand new Stratejoy plan today and I’m going to complete it, beginning to end. Can you do me a huge favor? Will you do it with me? I kind of like being held accountable, and if I know others are doing it too, it encourages me to stick with it. Kind of like running. Or streaking through the streets of Philadelphia.

Just kidding about the last part.

Kind of.

Come on. Will you do it with me? (Yes, Of Course! /  No)

…I dare you to click ‘No.’

If you are doing this with me, leave me a little comment here, so I know who you are, and can have us T-shirts made with Molly’s face on them. Nothing says “I love you” like wearing someone’s face across your boobs.

At the very least, promise me that you’ll take the next step in something in your life right now. Maybe it’s your life list. Maybe it’s the next step in a home/apartment remodel. Maybe it’s the next chapter in the novel or memoir that you’re writing. Whatever it is, promise yourself that you’re going to move forward.

And when it doubt, remember to just take the next step.

Sometimes it’s a blind leap, but take it anyway.

*photo credit: aesum

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The Big Announcement! Joy for All!

posted 13th May 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Love/Relationships, Molly, Quarterlife Crisis

OMG.  Finally!

CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT ALL THE BUZZ IS ABOUT

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Lemon Cake Lessons (Or, Letting Go of Perfection)

posted 12th May 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Season 2

While writing this post, I simultaneously baked a cake for the dinner I’m attending tonight and brainstormed ideas for the end of my book.  Seriously, the last few weeks have been busy.

Here’s the good news – the first draft of my book should be done this week!  I’m super excited about this.  It will be two weeks later than I originally planned, but I’m still happy with my progress.  I pushed my deadline back only because I took two week long trips that I hadn’t previously expected (one to Seattle and one to Las Vegas).  Both trips were a blast and definitely worth the setback.

The less good news is – I’m having a bit of a cake disaster.

You see, the cake I baked is a two layer lemon cake with a lemon filling and whipped cream frosting.  It’s a pretty awesome recipe if I must say so myself (and I must).  So I baked the cake in two separate round tins.  After taking the cakes from the oven, I waited the obligatory ten minutes, giving them time to cool before flipping the pans and transferring each layer to a plate.

After ten minutes, the pans felt a bit warm.  But I decided to move forward with the flipping and transferring (after all, the recipe said I could).  That probably wasn’t the best idea.  The first layer came out easily, and I placed it onto a plate.  The second layer didn’t go quite as well.  Actually, the second layer didn’t go well at all.  I flipped over the pan, and the center fell out.  Yep, that’s right.  The center of the cake actually fell out of the pan and onto the plate.  The surrounding cake was left stuck in the pan.

And do you think it fell out in one large piece, making it easy to patch the cake back together, frost it and pretend this debacle never happened?  Nope.  It fell out and broke into about fifty pieces.

Here’s the thing.  I tend to be a complete perfectionist.  I don’t like making mistakes, and I really don’t like making mistakes when the result of said mistakes will be seen by other people. Like with this cake.  If I were simply making it for me and Steven, I would be disappointed.  But then I would patch it up the best I could and move on.

The problem is I didn’t just make the cake for me and Steven.  I made it for a dinner party (a mother’s day dinner party at that).  Because of this, my normal reaction would be to freak out.  I would declare the cake a disaster, go to the grocery store and buy something already made.  I would pretend I never made the lemon cake and show up at the door with a completely different (and perfect) cake.

I’m trying really hard not to have my normal reaction to this cake disaster.  The last few months I’ve been trying to look at life in a different way.  I’ve been attempting to be more forgiving of my mistakes.

I’m not perfect.  I make mistakes, as does everyone.

How I became obsessed with perfection is a bit of a mystery to me. Was there a certain moment in my life that branded me a perfectionist?  Probably not.  At least, not that I remember.  What I do know is that in every day life, perfection can be a hindrance.  In my experience, it often gets in the way of completion.

I would like to be the type of person that works hard at the things I do, gives it my best shot and is content with whatever the outcome of that hard work may be (whether it be perfection or something else).  Now, this statement is a lot easier said than done.  If you’re anything like me and have spend the majority of your life attempting to be perfect, you probably agree that letting go of that ideal is difficult, at best.

I take small steps each day to move my life in a positive direction, to let go of the need to be perfect and accept what is.  That’s the commitment I’ve made to myself.  It’s not always easy, but it’s worth it (at least, my sanity thinks so).

As for today, I think I’ll just fix that cake up the best I can, make it look pretty and take it to the dinner.  The good thing is the flavor is really quite yummy.

And that’s what’s important when you’re eating cake, isn’t it?  In which case, that’s good enough for me.

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