The “I’ll Be Happy When” Syndrome

posted 25th May 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

I catch myself doing it all the time. “I’ll be happy when I have more money” or, “I’ll be happy when I’ve traveled all around the world,” or, “I’ll be happy when I’m in better shape” or, “I’ll be happy when I publish a book.” When, when, when.

There always seems to be a “when,” doesn’t there? A point in the future that when you pass it, you’ll definitely be happier than happy.

Except what happens when you do get there? What happens when you look around and realize that you have everything you ever thought you wanted, and yet you feel like you still want more? When does ambitious become greedy?

When does chasing a dream turn into chasing a mirage?

Maybe this is what the Quarterlife Crisis is all about: learning how to be happy. Maybe being an adult means learning how to not get stuck in the agonizing cycle of the When Syndrome and appreciate what you have while setting challengingly realistic goals for the future.

I don’t know.

But, what I do know is that getting stuck in the cycle of “when when when” is one of my biggest fears. I’m constantly trying to assess what I want to understand where it fits among the puzzle pieces of everything else that makes up my life, and I’m terrified of wanting so much that I’m constantly doing the “when” thing and am never just wholly satisfied with where I am at any given moment.

Part of the fear, I think, comes from feeling that if I let myself be satisfied with where I am, I’ll get lazy. I worry that, “I’ll be happy when” will turn to, “Oh, I don’t need to pursue anything more because it’s fine the way it is.” And yes, even as I say that I understand how ridiculous it sounds. I get it. I get that like most every situation, there’s a middle ground between the two unwanted extremes; I just can’t seem to get there.

I think, really, that the heart of it is that I don’t know how to just let myself be happy.

I don’t know how to live so that I’m simultaneously content with where I am and proud of what I’ve accomplished while also staying focused on my big dreams. I’m much more comfortable operating at one of two ends of the spectrum, either being deliriously happy with what I have and not needing/wanting more, or being completely dissatisfied and struggling to change.

How is it possible for people to feel a combination of both of those at the same time?

Do people actually feel this way?

photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

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Comments (24)

24 Responses to “The “I’ll Be Happy When” Syndrome”

  • suki Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 8:49 am

    I definitely feel this way. I can be appreciative of and content with what I've got, but I also thrive on new experiences, activities, and constantly growing/learning. :) I just finished week one of the Joy Equation, and that was part of my core values, and I think it's just different for everyone.
    :)

  • DC Princess Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 8:51 am

    I used to be like this.

    And then I took control of my life and learned to be happy with the little things. That was the only way I battled my way through being suicidal. One thing at a time to make me laugh.

    And then the little things added up.

    Of course there are more things that'll make me happier & more comfortable but they won't define my happiness.

  • AuntBT Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 5:01 pm

    Wow, you literally just described me. "feeling that if I let myself be satisfied with where I am, I’ll get lazy" is really a major problem for me, however I get stuck there in the lazy zone, and don't move forward either. It's a terrible cycle!

  • amysjoy Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    I have pretty much written this blog myself. I WANT to be satisfied with my life now and be happy and appreciate it, and I do a lot of the time, once I get off work, but the nine or ten hours at work five days a week are mind numbing, and I always find myself saying "Someday, when…" What about now? How do I find satisfaction with the good job I have that so many people in the world would love and appreciate?

  • Lindsay Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 10:17 am

    I think everyone does this. It's the human condition. And unless you are Eckhart Tolle or practice Buddhism devoutly (yay! for you if you do) we are all constantly looking into the future like it holds what we really want and what will really make us happy. I made a list during my own quarterlife crisis of all the things I wanted (to live on my own, paint my walls earth colours, and be a freelance writer). I got all those things and I totally forgot about the list and kept wanting more. And was also pretty miserable.

    I think it takes a little bit of practice to really live in the moment, and a lot of effort be still for a moment, look around and realize that you probably already have everything you need to be happy. The rest is just icing.

  • Kelsey Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 10:28 am

    I think that there are times when the transition is so gradual, you don't quite realize it's happened. You've been so focused and working so hard that all of a sudden you catch a glimpse of yourself and what you're doing and you think "This is what I wanted a long time ago! Me from 5 years ago would be so proud!" The thing that surprises me about those instances is that while this is true, and it is a very rewarding feeling, you realize how much more you have to learn, how much more you want and can accomplish. How 5 years ago reaching this goal would have meant you've arrived! And now "you've arrived" and you have so much less figured out than you thought you would. Realizing you want more isn't necessarily a bad thing, it keeps you from getting complacent, it keeps you pushing yourself.

    I mean what happens once you land a great job, are in good shape, and have solid relationships, do you just stop? Goals are good, meeting them is better, but the whole point of reaching them is so that you can create more. Just don't forget to enjoy the process!

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    Is that last part too long to tattoo on my face??

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 7:56 pm

    "…you probably already have everything you need to be happy."

    New daily mantra.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    "One thing at a time to make me laugh."

    I always say that laughter is one of my priorities, one of the serious foundation pillars of my life. Because laughing makes everything feel alive and well. More laughter, I say.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Can't wait to hear what you think when you've gotten all the way through The Joy Equation!

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Right?! There has to be a way to combat this though. To be happy while striving for more at the same time. When I figure it out, I'll let you in on all the secrets :)

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    "What about now?"

    YES.

  • samdotcom Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    Here's my thing. I certainly don't have my dreamiest dream job. And I haven't yet ventured outside of North America on a private jet to get drunk on a beach in Italy. But I am madly, ridiculously, gloriously in love. And I think the fact that I wake up each morning cuddling the most beautiful person in the world kind of makes me satisfied with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing. Love is my number one priority, and I'm sure without it, I could have already accomplished some of the things I'm still working on. I could be one of those people who stay up all night workingworkingworking, but I break for the cuddles. We push each other to want the big things, inspire each other to go after our dreams, but we never forget to make time for each other. So if a couple deadlines pass while I'm tangled up in someone else's arms, I'm alright with that. The job, the jet, the wine on the beach? All of that is just icing on the glory hole cake. I’ll never stop working for the icing, but I'm not holding out on happiness until I get it. I allow myself to love the imperfect ‘right now’ because I trust that the epic Cake Boss style masterpiece I chow down on one day will be so much better because of the love that was with me while I created it.

  • Allie Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 2:59 pm

    There's certainly a fine line between happy and content. I'm incredibly happy right now, but as long as I can compare my life to the big wide world out there, and as long as there are opportunity costs (giving up proximity to family to gain proximity to an awesome city, giving up one career for another, giving up flexibility for more money, etc.), a little something will always be missing – and we'll always be striving to find the best balance (but isn't that what makes life fun?)

    As a kid, I didn't really know what opportunities I might be missing, so I was fully content. Before the Internet, I wasn't exposed to all of the amazing things others have done with their lives, so I didn't feel like I was missing so much. It's a different world today – but I fully believe it's possible to happy without becoming complacent or fully content.

  • Caz Says:
    May 25th, 2010 at 10:54 pm

    I've been thinking a ton about this lately, as I too tend to vary between the two extremes. I gave myself the last year to just settle in and be comfortable and stable, and in the last 6 months that's morphed into "OMG I hate my life, I'm lazy and boring and haven't been DOING anything. I'm not GOING anywhere." So now I'm trying to get back to major goals and plans and business and craziness and change. Eventually that "go go go" will also drive me insane and I'll need another year to just 'be'. Somehow though, I plan to stop the cycle before it starts, and be happy, but moving on the journey at the same time.

  • Positively Present Says:
    May 26th, 2010 at 3:45 am

    Loved this post! Just tweeted it and hope others stop by and check it out too!

  • Marian Schembari Says:
    May 26th, 2010 at 9:26 am

    God, I love everything about this post. I'm guilty of this too…

  • cameron plommer Says:
    May 26th, 2010 at 10:04 am

    A book that really helped me just be happy was "Happy For No Reason." It taught me that external things can only make me happy for a short time and real happiness comes from inside of you. Hence the title.

    "Another year and then you'll be happy
    Just one more year and then you'll be happy
    But you're cryin'
    You're cryin' now"

    These are lyrics from Gerry Rafferty's song Baker Street. I just repeat these lyrics to myself whenever I am not living in the present or waiting for something to make me happy.

  • doniree Says:
    May 26th, 2010 at 10:53 pm

    I think that the two can exist like a teeter-totter on a playground. It's ok to be freakishly content one moment, basking in all of your own glory (ahem), and then realize when it's time to move forward. There are times to be still and bask, and times to charge full speed ahead and I think the time in the middle is brief. You'll know when it's time to run like the wind towards your next goal, and if you're conscious of it, you'll also recognize when you get there, take the appropriate time to gloat, squeal, and celebrate and then that becomes the building block that sets you up for your next accomplishment.

  • Natalie Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 7:07 am

    I think we all fall into this way of thinking about our lives, especially people like us who are working on designing a life that is truly satisfying and meaningful for us. It's easy to end up just focusing on the things we want to change, and not the things that are already good.

    One way you can at least put this habit in a more positive light is that it's a very optimistic outlook! I think most people have been told at some point by someone that high school or college would be the best years of their life. That sounds pretty dismal to me! By thinking of all the things you have to look forward to in your future, you're basically saying "Forget high school and college, the best is yet to come!"

    But it is important to appreciate what we do have now, so we don't just feel unsatisfied all the time, because, inevitably, when we do get to that mythical "when", we will just find another when to strive for. Again, I don't think it's a bad thing to want to constantly improve your quality of life. But failing to enjoy the journey, and the parts when you do achieve those "whens" kind of defeats the purpose. I've read some articles about the concept of "mindfulness", which is basically being aware of the here and the now. It's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day, and in plans for the future, so we forget to experience the now. I think it would help all of us to try and set aside a few minutes each day to be mindful. Think about what you like about your current situation, what you're thankful for, the things you've earned and accomplished, the things you like about you. Maybe it would be good to do this several times a day. The more you make it a habit, the more your mind will be trained to be aware of its surroundings and feel that satisfaction! I think I'm going to put an event on my outlook calendar for it right now! =)

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 8:19 pm

    I've always had the jealousies and the big dreamy hearts for your relationship, and this is why. Gorgeous honey, just gorgeous.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    May 27th, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Happy for no reason. I love that and will absolutely have to check this book out – thanks!!

  • Grace Cheung Says:
    May 29th, 2010 at 5:31 pm

    Nicole, I used to have this mindset too. "I'll be happy when…" Until I graduated from college 2 years ago. Throughout my whole life, the only time I wouldn't be working was when I was asleep, because I was working towards that one day that all my hard work would pay off. And then I graduated, and I had nothing to do (except look for a job to actually get paid to work). But then I still wasn't happy.

    Then I had a quarter life crisis. It dawned on me that my time on earth will be short, and since then I vowed to live my life to the fullest and to live in the moment. To revel in the present. Now, I am happy. I'm happy for each and every day, for every person in my life, for my personal and professional growth.

    Don't lose sight of those big goals and big dreams. But celebrate all the little things too. Remember, it's all about the journey, not the destination :)

  • Now & Later Says:
    June 8th, 2010 at 8:56 am

    [...] sometimes, I need a reminder about that last part, so when I stumble* across words from Nicole, Ellen and Jamie at exactly the crossroads of being and planning, I’m reminded of the [...]

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