The Fine Line Between Bending and Breaking

posted 18th May 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: Love/Relationships, Nicole Antoinette, Season 2, What I've Learned

I’ve been thinking a lot about boundaries lately, about the point where I end and everything else begins, and about how to let people in in a way that’s far enough but not too far.

I bring this up in conversation one afternoon, during hour three of a six hour road trip, and he tells me that I’m better at setting boundaries than I think I am.

“What do you mean?” I ask.

He tells me.

While he talks, I drive. I drive, and he reminds me that our entire weekend was a web of boundaries. Emotional boundaries, like deciding to date exclusively. Geographic boundaries, like driving from San Francisco to Oregon to cross another state off my list. Physical boundaries, like trying things in bed that we had never tried before.

As he talks, I realize that he’s right. I also realize that with him, I’ve been able to set warm and comfortable boundaries that inch along as time passes and as we change. I realize that our boundaries are soft enough to be malleable as we outgrow them, but hard enough not to let us grow too quickly.

And I decide that this is the most important part of any relationship: setting boundaries that are tight enough to contain you, but not so tight that you suffocate within them.

Our conversation slips to silence and I think.

I think about the ways in which I am stubborn and the ways in which I am flexible. I notice that I am stubborn about how information is shared; I like to tell the other person things on my own terms. I notice, though, that I am flexible on how I absorb information. Communication is communication when I’m on the receiving end.

We keep driving. City to city, little boundary after little boundary, and I think about which parts of myself I’m willing to bend for other people and about which people I’m willing to bend them for. Then, I wonder where the fine line is between bending and breaking. I ask myself, “When are we holding two sides of the same wishbone, pulling on it gently, and when have we snapped it, leaving each person with only one uneven half?”

He stirs the silence. We talk about the learning curve that comes with removing a previous boundary and establishing a new one. I tell myself that you have to break in new boundaries like you’d break in new shoes, and that the key to making any relationship work is to honor the learning curve and let yourself become naturally accustomed to the new framework.

I nod quietly to myself about all of the times I’ve jumped too soon, all of the times when I went from boundary A to boundary F without touching all the letters in between, and I see that each time, I wound up dizzy and covered in learning curve blisters on the other side.

I realize, though, that I’m stubborn about loving these blisters, the ones that have since turned to scars, because they remind me that we can cross boundaries too quickly and yet still always manage to find our way back.

photo credit: woodleywonderworks

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Comments (2)

2 Responses to “The Fine Line Between Bending and Breaking”

  • suki Says:
    May 18th, 2010 at 8:30 am

    Very well-written. And I think that what I'm learning is that the relationships/friendships that last are the ones where all parties are willing to bend and become flexible with one another. For the ones where it feels like one is taking the longer end of the wishbone, I've cut my ties.

  • Kim Says:
    May 18th, 2010 at 11:04 am

    This is lovely Nicole. Beautifully written and profound!

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