Money and Control

posted 30th June 2010    Written by: Heather Rae    CATEGORY: Heather Rae, Money, Season 2

Money and I have an interesting relationship.  I mean, I like money.  It’s great to have around when I need to do something like, say, pay the rent.  But, other than that, I kind of wish it had no part in my life.  Seriously.

Like most people, I struggle with a lifelong love-hate relationship with cash. I want it.  I want lots and lots of it.  But not so that it can be front and center in my life.  Rather, because I want the chance to completely forget about it — for once.

If my friends were to choose one word to describe how I handle my finances, they’d probably choose one of these:  frugal, cheap, careful, thrifty…or, perhaps, tight-ass.  And if we’re being honest here, I’d have to admit they’re right.  The reason I hate money is not because I don’t have enough.  For all intents and purposes, I do.  It’s because I don’t feel like I have enough.

Between having parents that fought about money pretty much every day and having a mother that told me, “It’s just as easy to marry for a rich man as it is a poor man”, I imagine it was somewhat inevitable for me to end up having anxiety when it comes to handling my finances.

There was a plus side to this.  I became fiercely financially independent.  I learned to save.  (And I mean seriously save.)  With the exception of a few student loans, I carry no debt.  I don’t use credit cards unless I can pay them in full at the end of the month.  And I’ve never depended on a beau to support me.  Never.

But then, that’s also the problem.  This fierce need to be independent, to never ask for help, to do it all on my own — well, it’s tiring.  And not only for me.  It’s tiring for my fiancé, too.

Let me give you an example.  As you know, I left my job in February.  Before making that decision, I saved for two years.  I had enough money to support my lifestyle for a year before having to return to work.

I’d say it was about two weeks after leaving my job that I broke down in tears, sobbing to the fiancé that I was afraid we’d run out of money before the year was up.  He said, “Heather, how much money do you have?”  (After a freak out like that, he was worried that perhaps I was right.)  So I told him.  He looked at me, confused.  “So what are you worried about again?”

I knew I had enough money to last the year.  But that didn’t stop me from breaking down and freaking out.

And just to make my point really clear, I’ll give you another example.  My fiancé and I are very careful to live below our means.  We figure it’s better to have extra money than risk not having enough.  Because of this, we could easily get by on one income.

You might think this would make me happy.  When the year is up and my savings run dry, I could potentially count on his income to carry us through as I continue pursuing my writing goals.  We’ve discussed this possibility.  He fully supports me and encourages me to keep doing what makes me happy and not worry about going back to work.

But instead of being happy about this, I stress.  And I nag, and I worry.

I don’t know how to let go of control when it comes to money.  I don’t know how to trust someone else to pay the bills, to take care of me, to be there for me.  And if I do.  If I let go of that control and let him take care of me, does that somehow make me weak?  Am I setting myself up for financial disaster in the future?  Am I letting another person have too much control over my life?

Yeah.  You could say I have money issues.  (And trust issues.  And control issues.  And all sorts of other issues.)

All I can tell you is I’m working on it.  I’m not there yet, but I really am making progress.  In some ways, walking away from my job was the best decision I could ever have made.  And I’m not saying that because I’m taking an opportunity to chase my dreams.  (Though that’s wonderful, too.)  Rather, It’s forced me to face my control issues head on.

I’ve had to let go of the security that comes with a stable job and learn to deal with questions. (Will this book ever sell?  Can I make it as a writer?  What if I run out of money?  Can I allow myself to trust that I don’t have to do this alone?)  So many questions.  More questions than answers.

Facing these uncertainties has helped me to make progress in so many ways.  Little by little, day by day, I feel myself letting go.  I feel myself getting more comfortable with uncertainty. And, honestly, if things do go terribly wrong, I’m pretty sure I would handle it better than I would have prior to this experience.

It’s funny how that works sometimes.  I left my job for no other reason than to chase a few dreams.  And I’ve ended up getting so much more from that decision.  Now that’s a good thing.

photo credit: Toban Black

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Comments (8)

8 Responses to “Money and Control”

  • Eran Says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 9:48 am

    Heather – I know exactly how you feel. When I left my job, I had no financial plan in place, other than to rely on my husband. Even typing that right now, I feel like it sounds awful. What right do I have to rely on someone else to take care of me? What kind of woman does that make me if I can't support myself? What if something were to happen between us and I no longer had that support?
    What gets me through is constantly telling myself that it's not just about money. Sure, my husband is the main breadwinner. But I'm the head chef. The main laundry-doer. The landscaper. The cat-sitter. The grocery shopper. The trip planner. The financial planner. One day I'll be the mommy. I do a lot of things in our house to "earn my keep." Plus – I'm happy!! As my husband has said to me time and time again, he'd rather that we were poor and I was happy, than rich and I'm unhappy.

  • Big L Says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 7:36 pm

    I felt like I was just reading something I wrote. I too have money issues. And trust issues. And control issues. Kudos to you for talking about it, at least a little! That's something I have yet to conquer :)

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 30th, 2010 at 11:26 pm

    "So many questions. More questions than answers…" That is EXACTLY how I feel about my financial situation. This entrepreneur leap has been ridiculously hard on my "safety" button, and although I continue to earn my own money, it's much, MUCH shakier…. I do not enjoy it.

    Now if only the Universe would pony up and catapult me into superstar coach, big money speaker land- I could stop stressing out about things! Right, Universe? ;)

  • kate_morgan Says:
    July 1st, 2010 at 7:37 am

    This topic has been on my mind for weeks…I'm at the beginning of this. My long-term boyfriend and I are talking about quitting our jobs, moving to the country, and recharging for a year. It means that I'll get to work on my novel, but my savings will only cover the year (while his are…well more). I panic when I even think about not being financially independent. But, which is worse, staying in a job that gives you anxiety or risking dependence?

  • Heather Rae Says:
    July 1st, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    That is so true, Eran. I would much rather be poor and happy than rich and unhappy. I'm getting there…giving myself permission to let go of that control little by little. I'm so glad to have the support of people like you, reminding me that it's all okay. Thank you!

  • Heather Rae Says:
    July 1st, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Thank you! You have no idea how much it means to me to know that I'm not the only one dealing with these issues. Your support is SO appreciated!

  • Heather Rae Says:
    July 2nd, 2010 at 3:20 am

    Absolutely! I think the universe owes it to us. :)

  • Heather Rae Says:
    July 2nd, 2010 at 3:22 am

    I know that feeling, Kate…being at the very beginning of the adventure, feeling anxiety about making the leap. For me, I definitely decided the risk of financial uncertainty was the better choice. It hasn't been the easy path, but so far, it's been well worth it. I still have my 'freak out' moments, but they're getting fewer and further between. :)

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