Well, this is Embarrassing.

posted 4th June 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Job/Career/Work, Molly

I could start off with a long drawn explanation of why I shouldn’t be sharing my struggles with you guys.  But I won’t.  I’m just diving in…

I’m in a creative funk. I’ve been avoiding blogging, writing, commenting, or tackling any sort of creative work that requires me to be on.  Because I feel utterly and completely off.

It sucks.  I don’t like it one bit.  It’s like I’m that desperate last girl in gym class, waiting to be picked for a dodgeball team, but somehow I’m forgotten, and balls start flying across the gymnasium, and all I can do is stand there and get pummeled.

It’s humbling.  And painful.  And oddly lonely because as the proud mama of this site, I get to watch amazing posts by the ridiculously talented Nicole, Heather and Katie go live, and I’m just sitting on the sidelines.  Stuck.

I don’t know if it’s Joy Equation burnout or the aftermath of reading basically everyone who attended Bloggers in Sin City‘s (which was an amazing trip!!) entire blogs or the unfortunate timing of my first big launch just as product launches are getting slammed by the internet cool kids, but it doesn’t really matter.  The end result is the same.

Stuck.  Unmotivated.  Stuck-stuckity-stuck-ville.  Wanting desperately for my creative angel goddess muse to visit again, but am afraid she’s totally pissed at me for something I don’t even know that I did.

And I don’t have enough experience under my belt in creative matters to know what I should do. Is it just a little writer’s block? Should I push through it, regardless?  Force myself to write every day just to get back into the habit? Or do I retreat for a bit and just relax, confident that my mojo will return?

What do YOU do?

I know one thing I must stop doing–playing the comparison game.  During these last two weeks of brick wall blank screen time, I’ve developed  this horrible habit of getting sucked into the internet vortex of blog/launch/life comparisons.

I read an amazing post and get jealous instead of inspired. I start letting my Negative Nellie run wild with “You’ll never be able to write like that” or “You’ll never have that many loyal followers” or “You’re just not good enough to make it as a blogger, coach, teacher, internet rockstar”.  My Negative Nellie is loud and shouty and likes to be right. And when I’m already feeling beaten down, she wins most of the battles.

Obviously, I know this is NOT what I should be doing. It’s one of those mind tricks that always leads to disaster and feeds all my inner demons.  But it’s like I can’t help myself.  Seriously.  It’s a new found addiction.  Internet spiral of comparison-fueled unworthiness.

The logical smarty pants life coach side of me has plenty of advice for the moping-I-just-want-to-wrap-up-in-the-Big-Man’s-sweatshirts-and-discover-new-shows-on-Hulu side of me.  But the mopey-lets-just-reply-to-email-and-reorganize-my-desktop side doesn’t want to hear it.  She’s stuck.

And being stuck sucks.

photo credit: throninside

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Comments (37)

37 Responses to “Well, this is Embarrassing.”

  • Lidia Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 9:53 am

    Sad Molly, but I have faith that you're creative writer self will be restored once again. You've mentioned in the past that on your around the world trip you filled up many journals. Maybe you can flip through those again and find an emotion you can talk about, or discover a story to share, or something you learned. Cause no doubt we all have "those" emotions, I would love to hear your traveling stories, and the best way to learn is through others. Hope you will find inspiration soon!

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 6:16 pm

    With you, I've been in a writing funk. Over and over in my mind, the wonderful Whoopi Goldberg playing her "Sister Mary Clarence" role in Sister Act rings true. She says something about if the first thing you think about when you wake up is writing, then you're a writer….. …..okay, well what about when we CANT? Like physically have no words or ideas or anything? It's devastating. Don't force yourself to write, lady. Just like we can't force ourselves over a breakup. It just…. comes to be one day. One day, you'll want to write again…. one day you'll want to comment again…and one day, you will.

  • Carrie Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 10:27 am

    I find when my creativity is blocked, there is some other area of my life that needs attention. Sounds like Negative Nelly is one contributor. What else is happening in your life? I understand that creativity block and it sucks.
    Personally I would try to find some quiet time and just "be" with myself. Let the creativity talk and say what it needs to, and whatever other part of your life that is maybe wanting attention or feeling burnt out.
    Hang in there! You WILL get through it.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    Well I'm commenting, but only to say how much I adore you. And I think you're right. No forcing, just faith that one day I'll wake up and want to write. XO

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    You're probably also right Miss Carrie! I've felt very "outward" pushing for a while now and haven't taken enough time to just be. Luckily for all of us, I know this about myself and take great pains to schedule in that quiet time in advance– so next week (well the 11th) I'm leaving for a 7 day silent meditation retreat. I'm hoping that my muse goddess comes back then.

    Thank You.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 6:45 pm

    Thanks sweetness! That's not a bad idea! I've got journals and journals full of tales and aha moments and I rarely flip back through them. Perhaps they hold just the nugget of inspiration I'm seeking… XO

  • jules Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    Take long walks, avoid social media for a little bit, show up to the page every day (even if it's only one page of free-writing), do something that makes you feel joyful that may not consciously have anything to do with you being "Creative".

    Also know that we all go through these cycles and it's normal and you are not "OVER". This too shall pass.

  • suki Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Whenever I get into a funk or want to find a space to crawl into with my unmotivated self, it's time to work on something else in my life.

    For me, hanging out with friends, going somewhere, experiencing something new… but for others, it might be something different, such as alone time and rediscovering your self time.
    :) Hang in there. I am SURE you will get to the other side of it!

  • andi Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 10:48 am

    Stuck isn't stuck at all. It's the winter of your creativity. If you were "on" all the time, you would peak at far too young an age! Taking creativity in cycles allows you to rejuvenate, reflect, and grow.

    Also, this is my favorite TED talk on artists having a "genius" rather than being a "genius." Sometimes the genius just doesn't show up to work, but it's separate from you and doesn't make you any less of an artist or writer or all around amazing person.

  • andi Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 10:49 am

    Did I post the link? I have a feeling my genius isn't there and I didn't actually add the link to that comment, so here it is: http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/elizabeth_gilbe… (just in case and sorry if I posted it twice!)

  • Heather Rae Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 7:07 pm

    I've been in a writing funk, too, these days and feeling rather uncreative. Maybe it's going around! I've noticed that I'll go for a month or so being really excited about writing blog posts, and then I'll hit a wall. The same thing happens with writing the novel. It all ebbs and flows. I try not to force it too much, but I also try not to let myself get out of the habit. If I'm feeling really out of it one day, I'll do a ten minute free write on anything that comes to my mind (and actually time myself), and then leave it alone for the rest of the day. So far, that's worked pretty well for me. One thing I've found for sure is that my writing/creative mojo always comes back eventually.

  • Megan Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 11:17 am

    I hate it when my creativity hibernates without much notice… it will return. You're a great writer and inspiring woman. You're helping so many people and I have to say (as a Joy Equation participant right now) you're definitely helping me find joy in my life! Tell Negative Nellie to take a hike and focus on yourself! I believe in you! Here's to hoping your muse returns soon!

  • Ali Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 11:39 am

    I hate this feeling. We all do. In my opinion? Write anything and everything that comes to mind, for you and you alone. Then see if you have any breakthroughs. It's a stream of consciousness that I think can really get down to the bottom of whatever it is that's keeping you from being your normally incredible, inspiring self. :)

  • bellerenee Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 7:41 pm

    Dude. Amen. I feel like I'm just coming out of a lifelong slump, for realsies. I'll tell you what has worked for me recently: A crazy rigorous exercise routine, only listening to happy music, eating really healthy food, enjoying the sunshine, iced coffee, starting an inspiration journal, confronting and BEATING old demons finally, lots of library visits, quality time with my husband, quality time with myself, and acknowledging the sucky thoughts but not letting them get me down. Acknowledge their existence, appreciate that you're not perfect, thank the Universe for the chances you've been given, and vow to look on the bright side. It's cheesy, totally, but mind over matter, just like yoga. You don't need to be creative in order to be the best you right now, right? :-) xoxo

  • Doniree Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    I think you nailed it when you suggested relaxation and a retreat to yourself. Ok, so you said "retreat," not "a retreat," but still. I find when I'm most stuck that the best ways to get unstuck are to stop doing whatever it is I'm trying to get unstuck from since that's what has me frustrated in the first place. I back off from writing, back off from my blog and let myself sort of think and fester within my own thoughts without the pressure of having to make them into something that's share-able. It's tough, because it's what I do. I learn something, I find a way to storytell and share it, and sometimes those words don't come, so I back off and let myself continue to simply experience things without the pressure of considering how I'm going to frame it in words later. Or? I change up my routine. Take a different route, try a new place. Our brains form new connections and synapses when we do this and that helps keep us creative. xoxo, and thank you for sharing your thoughts on this – it's so, so relatable.

  • Eran Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 3:24 pm

    I hear ya Molly! When I'm uber busy, I can't write a THING. My brain is so wrapped up in just getting through each day without jabbing a pen in my side – obviously, I have no time or energy leftover to be creative! That's when I start to re-prioritize. Is it more important for me to be creative and write – or for me to do all that other stuff that's making me busy? If it's the other stuff, then I give myself permission to take a little vacation from the writing. If it's the writing, then I figure out a way to minimize the other stuff. I think each of us has a different capacity to "do" ….maybe you've reached your limit right now. Maybe that's okay :)

  • Megan Lane Says:
    June 4th, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    And I'll just add my 2 cents about the compare-a-thon-obsession because I am definitely familiar with that one! And in my [humble] opinion, this the modern day equivalency of flogging ones fragile creative self! It is SO incredibly tempting/painful/addicting to compare ourselves to other people in our own creativity "area." I can't count the number of times that I have visited another photographer's website only to think "oh, holy crap! I can't do that!" On good days that is followed by a decisive "YET!"–but on the bad days it's a depressing "not EVER:("

    But the bottom line is that I'm not a photographer to do the same thing as anyone else–and you're not a writer/leader/inspiring kick a** woman to write or lead like anyone else. SO STOP COMPARING:) What you do is special–even when it isn't coming along easily, even through the difficulties, because what you have to offer is unique to YOU. And that is enough.

    When "it" comes back to you it will be awesome–but until then, take a breath & know there are lots of people who think you are a goddess of specialness (regardless of what little miss Negative Nellie might try to yell).

  • LiLu Says:
    June 5th, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    All Imma say is I know EGGSACKLY how you feel, lady friend. And thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

    <3

  • Julie Says:
    June 6th, 2010 at 6:14 am

    Molly, you just did it, you wrote a post that struck a chord with many – At least it did with me :)

    I have the "impostor" syndrom all the time : who do I think I am to believe I can measure up against people like them. Who do I think I am to believe I will make money out of my blog. Who do I think I am to believe that at just 26, I understand things that others don't. Who do I think I am to give advices… I leave typos in a post and I feel so ashamed to call myself a copywriter. I write a post that doesn't get much comments and I feel ashamed to reveal so much of my life – who do I think I am to believe people will give a damn… Well, you get the point. Comparison game online and off easily takes our faith in ourselves, in living life on purpose, in believing we can live a life extraordinary. (i.e.: what the hell am I doing thinking I will make a living out of this internet business. All of my friends seem to make their way up to financial comfort and it looks like they will all be able to buy houses soon and I'll end up broke by following those stupid freedom dreams.) But at the comparison game, nobody wins (quote stolen from season 1 blogger Kendra).

    About lack of motivation :
    The last time I felt unmotivated, I spent the week watching Gossip Girls episodes and spent a lot of time with family and friends not doing anything in particular. I felt like instead of doing doing doing and going forward at a fast pace, I had to focus on BEING.

    We are a lot more than what we do. There is so much more to our life than what we achieve. You are unique, your life and your path is too. Have faith that you will get there, "there" being the place where it feels right to be.

    Thanks so much for sharing, Molly. ups and downs are part of the game. But it feels so good to know we're not alone in this.

    (FYI I spent yesterday on emotional rollercoaster after my bosses refused my 4-days-a-week-schedule-to-work-on-my-business request. I cried and raged and felt pretty depressed. Like my efforts were vain. Like I could never make it. Like no one "got" me, nor my vision. But today, I'm ready to find another part-time job. This is my vision for my life, I've decided to keep up at it. 'Cause persistance is a very important ingredient in success (read it everywhere). Being true to ourselves and going forward with our beliefs is all that counts.

    Good luck to you, missy!
    Love, Julie

  • verybadcat Says:
    June 7th, 2010 at 8:27 am

    I say don't force it. People will tell you that's a horrible idea, and maybe for them it is. For me, though, if I'm not feeling something, and I'm forced to do it, I just rebel, rebel, rebel. Stepping away from writing when I am struggling is the best thing I can do. At some point, I find myself wondering about how I will write about something I'm doing or feeling or thinking about, and then all is well again.

    If it helps at all, I am a thousand kinds of happy that I got to meet you in Vegas, and I'm all super impressed by you. I thought you were the internet cool kids. ;P

  • erin Says:
    June 7th, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    Whoa buddy, I have no advice for unblocking writer's block. I go through it all the time and I simply don't write until I feel like it again. That means I sometimes go for months without writing. Uncool. I need to go back and read all the awesome comments on this post.

    But! I wanted to ask you something important: how can I help? How can I help you? How can I help Stratejoy? I just learned some MEGA COOL STUFF this weekend (was in SF at a seminar) and I'm excited to hear about how your upcoming retreat goes.

    xoxo

  • Caz Says:
    June 7th, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    I read this the other day: http://zenhabits.net/creative-habit/ and when I read this post of yours I immediately thought of it.

    I don't tend to be a creative person in my day-to-day job or life, but it was still an interesting read and I could probably apply a bunch of the ideas anyway.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Avoid social media for a bit…. I was contemplating that one. Already on top of the walks and have been toting my journal around- maybe it's time to open it!

    You're so right. This too shall pass.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:00 am

    Awww. Kisses. If you're sure, I'm sure.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:02 am

    I love that video. So have it bookmarked! Also, "winter of your creativity" is beautiful. Le sigh.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:03 am

    Oh you adorable girl- Thanks for the shout out and pump up! It makes me happy to hear the Joy Equation is making a difference in your life. XO

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:05 am

    It's funny- I'm so scared of just getting out of the habit, so I do like the idea of just free-writing to make sure I don't get rusty.

    Here's hoping both our mojos have had a lovely mojito together somewhere warm and sandy, but are ready to come back home!!

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:07 am

    That's exactly what I've been doing since I wrote this post (well, along with a million others things to get ahead in my biz for my retreat) and it has been soooo interesting seeing the layers below the stuckness. Some big time doubt, but also some sort of realization that the life I kept dreaming about is here. I'm supporting myself doing something I absolutely love, making a difference, connecting with amazing women (like you!) and I think it freaked me out a little.

    My someday is NOW.

    XOXO

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:10 am

    Oh that list just make me so happy. You know? I've been slacking on the exercise and I wonder if that's contributing to some of the down feeling…

    And the quality time with myself? I've haven't had alone (like truly alone) time in a while. I forgot how much I need time with just me, doing whatever it is I want to be doing….

    Thank You. XO

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:13 am

    I like your logic! Seems like most of you lovely amazing women agree that a backing off isn't a bad thing.

    Good to hear because I'm leaving for my retreat (7 days, silent vispassana) on Friday, and I don't want to be worrying about the stuckness. My unconscious mind is going to have a lot of time to examine itself without worrying about "share-able or framing in words later".

    Smooches right back.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:13 am

    So, so not alone. (Hello lovely!)

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:16 am

    You're right. It feels amazing to know we're not alone. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for leaving such a heartfelt and lovefilled comment, Julie.

    "We are a lot more than what we do. There is so much more to our life than what we achieve. You are unique, your life and your path is too. Have faith that you will get there, "there" being the place where it feels right to be."

    Delicious. I'm going to carry those words around for awhile. XO

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:18 am

    It's gonna have to be okay for a least a little while, eh? But you totally did hit the nail on the head… There are so many other things going on in my life that are keeping me busy and buzzing, that my creative time has taken a hit. I've got to figure out what the big priorities are right now and just have faith that I'm doing the best I can with what I've been dealt.

    It's okay.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:19 am

    "And that is enough." Ahhhhh. So much space to breath in that comment.

    You have been such an amazing women in my life, Miss Megan. Seriously. Delicious treasure.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:21 am

    It totally helps because I am a thousand kinds of happy to have met you! And let's both be the internet cool kids, how 'bout? XO

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:22 am

    I want to learn some MEGA COOL STUFF. That would be uber helpful. And let me think about the rest of that lovely and gracious and generous offer. But COOL STUFF first. Will I see you at ReFresh? XOXO

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    June 9th, 2010 at 5:25 am

    Ooohh!!! I LOVE that post. Thank you so much for sharing it. It's fabulous and definitely supports a lot of the advice that's have been shared here! Big Hug to you for being so awesome.

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