Friend Break Ups

posted 13th July 2010    Written by: Nicole Antoinette    CATEGORY: All Posts, Nicole Antoinette, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 2

Here’s a shockingly simple realization: I’m an adult and I can choose who I spend my time with. I know this isn’t a bizarre or novel idea, but for some reason it’s like I’ve only recently started to understand it.

Even since my play date days, I’ve been the type to have a best friend. I always had lots of friends, but it was important for me to have a best, and for other people to know we were bestfriendsforever. Of all the best friendships, most fizzled out as we got older and realized that liking the same kinds of My Little Ponies wouldn’t hold our relationship together through adolescence and early adulthood.

The friendships that didn’t fizzle out went one of two ways, either we’re still friends, just in a different “we don’t spend every second together but still love each other” capacity, or they exploded in brilliant turquoise and orange flames, taking down egos and borrowed sweaters in their paths. I’m not proud of these violently flashy friendship meltdowns, but sometimes when you’re so closely connected to someone and that connection silently turns toxic and passive aggressive, the disaster that hits when it reaches the surface is almost inevitable.

Such was the case with my college best friend.

“Are you in room 530?” she asked. I nodded. “Yah, we’re roommates. I’m going downstairs to get some more toilet paper.”

And that was that. Direct, unfrilly, no squee-ing, slightly edgy, a little cynical, no holds barred. That was the girl I met at freshman orientation at NYU, the girl I was drawn to because of our similarities and fascinated by because of our stark differences.

She was from middle America, she liked the type of music that really just sounds like angry, aggressive shrieking to me. She spoke some French, was wildly dedicated to school, and seemed to believe that her priorities were somehow more important and more relevant than anyone else’s. She was gorgeous in a way that was both classic and exotic. She was excellent at applying makeup and making pancakes, and was the kind of friend who would never leave you at the bar because a guy she’d been flirting with had invited her back to his place.

By the second night of the two night orientation weekend in June of 2003, most of these facts were still a mystery to me. After some middle of the night discussion, we decided that the little we did know about each other was better than everything we didn’t know about all of our other potential freshman year roommates, and so we signed up to live together. Just like that.

Sometimes, I wonder how I seemed to her back then, during those first days. She knew I was from California. She knew I spent the whole weekend flirting with a really cute guy named Mike who later turned out to be a pretty sizable douchebag. She probably thought I was spunky and honest, sexually charged, maybe a little too loud and a little too “This Is Who I Am,” even though I now realize, looking back, that I had no clue who I was at all.

When I think back on the three years I spent at NYU, I sometimes try to picture how different my experience would have been if our last names weren’t alphabetically close enough to warrant our placement as orientation roommates. It’s interesting really, how the tiniest thing (like both having names that started with the same first two letters) can wind up determining such a big part of your life. And she was great, really great, we just wound up not being so great for each other – and it took us much too long to admit it.

We had that type of friendship where too much revolved around us. We were consumed with each other in a platonic kind of way, and I always found myself obsessing about her opinion of me and seeking her approval, which she almost never gave out. That was one of our biggest and most insurmountable differences, the way we expressed ourselves and our emotions. She was always more private with hers, less free with the complimenting and the sharing; whereas I am and always have been too crazy not to live my life out loud as much as possible and fiercely make sure that you know you’re special to me if you’re special to me.

When I think of how explosively our friendship ended, I usually start to berate myself about it. And then I remember that with a relationship like ours, where we lived all over each other and yet weren’t able to communicate, there just wasn’t another possible ending.

Four years have passed since our friend-breakup, which in most cases is much harder and more painful than a romantic breakup, and it’s easier now, with so much geographic space between us, to softly and lovingly remember the good in each other, the nights we’d lay awake giggling and giving each other game-show-style quizzes on trivial things like our favorite time of day and favorite type of candy bar. We were convinced that we’d someday be asked to be on a “how well do you know your roommate” game show, and we were not prepared to lose.

{photo credit: CarbonNYC}

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Comments (10)

10 Responses to “Friend Break Ups”

  • Kim Says:
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:09 am

    This is a great post – I too have watched friendships fade over the past few years in particular. I had a little group I did pretty much everything with the end of high school/first few years of the 20's, then they either moved away or they're priorities shifted away from mine – in most cases with them wanting to get married and have kids and live in a house in the burbs and me wanting the exact opposite. It's sad, but also a part of life I'm realizing – people change and that's the way it is. You just gotta move on and make new friends, ones that you can relate to. It's easier said than done though :)

  • Katie Says:
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:10 am

    This couldn't have come at a better time… I've been feeling so lost. My best friend unilaterally divorced me two weeks ago. Just, like, stopped any and all attempts at communication after 10 years of constant talking, shenanigans, and best friendery. I know he's going through some personal crises, and I want to be there to give support and love, but he shut me out. My heart is broken and I feel like I deserve more respect and explanation, but apparently I just need to give up and move on? Not easy, not at all. I'd definitely say friend heartbreak trumps romantic heartbreak, any day.

  • suki Says:
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:27 am

    people change. you can either change together or grow apart.

    the hard part of letting a friendship or really any relationship go is that you've dedicated an x amount of your life into it. so you feel vested and don't really want to just give it up when really, it might've been one of those chapters in your book of life and you're only meant to have just experienced that person rather than kept that person in your life forever.

    for me, it's also difficult to upgrade a person from acquaintance to friend. i just don't CLICK like that.

  • Lindsay Says:
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:36 am

    Great post, Nicole. I'm sure a lot of people can relate. I think hat as we get older, we grow in different ways and so it's only natural that we surround ourselves with different people. I think we need different things at different stages in life.

    I became friends with someone who I thought I could trust, but one night we were out for my birthday and she started listing all the reasons why I was a horrible person. I was in so much shock, I couldn't even speak. I went home, still in shock, and couldn't sleep the entire night I was so angry. I wrote her an email and when she replied, I had my sister go into my account and delete it. I've never heard from her since. This was about 2 years ago and I still beat myself up for not standing up for myself that night. Lesson learned.

  • Amanda Says:
    July 13th, 2010 at 9:38 am

    Thank you for this post. I sometimes forget that this happens in adulthood and when it does, I feel childish and confused. It is hard to make the transition from having friends a child and teenager to adult friends. It is oddly different and the same. Recently a friend ad I spoke about what to do when a good friend pushes you out of their life or makes you feel like you are no longer close as you used to be. For me, it is not any easier for me now than I did in 7th grade. The only difference is how I publicly handle it. It is good to know I am not the only one.

  • jeannabarrett Says:
    July 13th, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Nicole…this is an awesome post. This topic is always on my mind, these days. Being 28 comes with a lot of friendships sort of crumbling away because people aren't who you need them to be anymore, or don't fit in to the life path you're creating. I have a hard time letting go of friendships, but have had to do so in the last few years because they were causing more harm than good. It's a tough lesson in our 20s! Thanks for sharing your viewpoint, as always.

  • Amy Says:
    July 14th, 2010 at 1:45 am

    I love the part about how connections silently turn toxic and passive aggressive…. ohhhh my can I relate to that one! This is such a great post as I have been thinking about a breakup with a best friend I had in college and sometimes I still want to reach out to her, but I think in the end it's best I don't. We weren't good for each other and at the end of the day just had different priorities in life.

  • bellerenee Says:
    July 14th, 2010 at 2:35 am

    God, I love this: And then I remember that with a relationship like ours, where we lived all over each other and yet weren’t able to communicate, there just wasn’t another possible ending.

    So. So. So right on. I am blown away by how candidly you speak about this. This post really moved me, Nicole. :-)

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    July 14th, 2010 at 4:14 pm

    I've recently "dumped" my Best Friend and while it was for the best, I still miss her like mad. I just think we're both in different areas of our lives right now, and sadly, neither one is what the other one needs.

    This was a great post, Nicole.

  • nicoleisbetter Says:
    July 15th, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    Thanks everyone – seriously, I'm in love with the support and the "me too-ness" of all of these comments.

    A hundred hugs for each of you.

    xoxo
    nicole

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