The Line Between Independence and Aloneness

posted 29th August 2010 Written by: Lindsey CATEGORY: All Posts, Family, Lindsey, Love/Relationships, Travel, What I've Learned

aloneness, Freedom, independence, interdependence, love, Travel

There is this really hilarious picture, lost in the electronic abyss of my dead external hard drive, taken at a picnic a few years back. It is the perfect picture of me and the ‘rents.

My parents are calmly standing over their paper plates of picnic fare. Their eyes are on the verge of rolling, but not quite. And in the forefront is me: taking a pause from my stride, striking a ridiculous pose and making a more ridiculous face.

I’m out there, in a way that is quite foreign to my very-normal-American family. I talk loudly, and act louder. I take risks in a way that people don’t, often. I push boundaries that will potentially lead me to failure because it brings a fullness to my life. I’ve claimed my personal freedom to live life for myself.

But I also am drawn by the power of my family. Living at home this summer, I’ve found incredible support and love that I had been distanced from, living out on my own. Being surrounded by my parents, my brother, even my dog, I realize this incredible unit of people, joined by blood and genetics and years of experience and love, is an important key to my personal grounding.

I can’t explain where my free spirit came from, but I know I can’t help but dream big and live with my head in the clouds of possibility. My roots, connecting me to something stable, that is my family.

Here is my million dollar question: how do I find a balance?

Interdependence is a higher state than Independence

When I am alone I miss: Connectedness. Deep conversation. Human contact. Sometimes, when I’m on my own for a really long time and then get a real hug its like fireworks explode. Human contact is an oh-so-beautiful luxury, and something I’ve learned to cherish, more than ever before.

Independence is an art that allows openness to new experience and ideas. Being comfortable, surrounded by the love and support of my family is good. But ripping that away in the raw emotion of aloneness, that is a crazy new game of self-discovery. It leads to personal introspection, development, productivity.

However, alone this track of being alone, I’ve also found myself being more impulsive in my relationships. Seeking deep bonds that emulate those of my family. Depending on newfound friends to hold me down in the way that family does.

Remember my story of how I got back to Michigan this summer? There were several affairs of the heart, that moved me across this country, and each time I was just SURE that this was the answer, that here was someone who’d love me and ground me and support my crazy ideas and be a mobile and modern version of my family.

But impulses are gnarly, dude. They make me an expert in heartbreak, a girl whose hardly been in any relationships long enough to warrant heartbreak possible. And I tend to be overwhelmed by my weak (or possibly far too strong) heart, crushed. Feeling alone.

Hit the Road, Jack, But Always Come Back

There is a moral to this story of heartbreak and aloneness and knowing, if anything, my family will always love me: one-way plane tickets, baby. (After defining and writing out my Joy Equation goals and one good conversation with a friend, there I was at 3 am on Kayak.com.)

Am I running away? Believe me, everyone I’ve told about my impulse decision has accused me of this. I’ll even admit it: I AM running away. Away from the idea of settling and of putting my BIG DREAMS on hold to “be responsible” and start my career. Away from the scary prospect of not changing, not expanding my mind with the great glory of humanity and their beautiful voices and opinions.

Don’t think me a coward, I’m definitely running towards something too: my big dreams. Dedicating myself fully to my actual goals, rather than making them my after-work fare as they’ve become this summer. Surrounding myself with friends who are living the lifestyle I have become preachy and non-actionable about. Towards a conviction that I can be truly independent, and fully in charge of my life. Towards filling my life with experience, and a further developed worldview, a clarity only achieved with the action that global motion brings.

Again, I will be alone.

It takes away the buffer of friendships and romance and family. It gives raw realness to everything. It teaches me something every day. I have new perspective since I paused my nomadic lifestyle to come home this summer. I am clear with my goals. I have recalibrated and I am ready to keep going.

There is something else you should know about me: I have this really frustrating belief that I am meant to be alone, stemming from some bitch palm reader at my high school prom. (WTF, right?!) I am trying to change this. But I have never really admitted it to anyone besides random boyfriends that fizzle out soon after.

I am holding myself publicly accountable on this next stage of life, that no matter what, I am not destined to be alone. I have family that loves me. I have friends that love me. And, what really matters in all of this, I have myself. I must love myself.

{photo credit : α is for äpΩL †}

Comments (13)

556213 Responses2010-08-29+16%3A00%3A34Lindsey to “The Line Between Independence and Aloneness”

pixie658 Says:
August 29th, 2010 at 8:21 am
This post really resonated with me. I have been trying to find balance between aloneness and human connection. I have been single three years and moved two years ago to a new place to go to grad school. I've learned more about myself in these few years because I was utterly alone and had to spend time in my head and with myself more than any time in my life. And now I have some of the closest, dearest friendships because I was able to spend that time with myself, making changes, growing and becoming a healthy adult. It was hard though. It still is hard. At the same time, it is wonderful to be alone with oneself and to be content. Thanks for writing about this.
Just Me Says:
August 29th, 2010 at 8:50 am
Most palm readers are complete and utter fakes.

Don't let that lady steal your power any longer. She probably just hated proms. Or tinsel. Or something.

LOVE.
speaksoftlyandcarryaredpen Says:
August 29th, 2010 at 8:52 am
I remember from many years ago, taking a class on child psychology where we discussed secure attachment. Children that were securely attached took to their own to explore their new environment with the knowledge that a parent would always be there for them to come back to. It's great to see this security carry onwards into adult life.
I am usually both alone and independent. I have spent a lot of time by myself and sometimes forget the value of relationships. I think in all cases you have to take responsibility for your actions, be it an impulse to buy a one-way ticket, or to stay put. Great post!
Lindsey Says:
August 29th, 2010 at 10:00 am
Thanks for your thoughts! It's great that you've developed a great relationship with yourself and then your friends – it really is a huge challenge to make this self-growth and awareness a priority. Especially at this point in our lives! In a world where being alone is an anomaly, it takes perseverance to really make something good out of it. But it's definitely worth it
Lindsey Says:
August 29th, 2010 at 10:06 am
I agree that the secure attachment I have to my family has given me a solid basis for my lifestyle choices. It takes away a certain amount of fear, for sure, and I am definitely grateful for that. And I think being independent is all about taking responsibility for my actions – that freedom of getting to be "just me" is big and loud and pretty damn awesome. Most of the time
erinmakesitwork Says:
August 29th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
Good luck Lindsey. I know for me my family is a fine line. I love them and in many ways they make me feel so great, but they can also drive me a bit insane. So, I hope that you find your balance. I am sure you will. Don't ever stop dreaming big. I did for years and I regret every moment of it.
Lindsey Says:
August 31st, 2010 at 6:25 pm
It's funny how I have held on to silly moments like that. Fake! Thanks for the boost of confidence!
Lindsey Says:
August 31st, 2010 at 6:26 pm
I know what you mean about the insane part, since I live with the whole family this summer
Thanks Erin! Let's keep dreaming big!
nikkiklecha Says:
September 1st, 2010 at 6:17 am
wow, girl, I am still SO with you. That balance is the same thing I'm seeking & I just bought a shitton of one-way tickets too!!! Crazy! We may be running, but I don't think we're running away. We're just running toward the discovery of what we want & where we want to be, running into new experiences. We need to discuss itineraries; what if we can meet up somewhere!??
Lindsey Says:
September 1st, 2010 at 9:00 am
One-way tickets?! Ohhh yes, we definitely need to discuss itineraries!
PS – I just picked up a copy of Atlas, Shrugged and thought of you!
Alisha Says:
September 4th, 2010 at 7:01 am
No! Not alone! We humans are made to connect–we need it in order to survive, nay, to THRIVE. It's funny though how little moments in life, that seem as though they should be so insignificant can really influence the choices we make and how we view life. I'm glad you're finally deciding to ignore the palm reader
Molly_Hoyne Says:
September 4th, 2010 at 10:53 am
Um hello!! I'm on the road soon enough and would LOVE to see ya'll. The only date that is in stone for me is NYC the weekend of Oct 8th. Probably Chicago the weekend before. And um, that's all I got! You? Linds?
Molly_Hoyne Says:
September 4th, 2010 at 10:56 am
Ack! Again, so much to say. One- where, oh where are you going? Two- Is it really balance you seek? Perhaps it's the integration of connection and Independence, instead of the balance of the two. Three- seriously, this requires a phone call, not a blog comment!

XOX