Collision Course

posted 24th August 2010    Written by: Doniree    CATEGORY: Doniree, Love/Relationships, Season 3, What I've Learned

I had this crazy revelation not too long ago about love and relationships that changed the way I looked at them.  It changed what I was looking for out of all of that, and despite every single romantic comedy telling me otherwise, I knew this to be true:

I do not want someone to complete me.  I do not want to complete someone else.  I don’t want to be a puzzle piece, a void-filler, an other half.  I am a whole person.  I want another whole person to complement the whole woman I am, to make me twice as loving, giving, and powerful as I am on my own, and I wanted for me to be that to him.

I also realized that went against just about everything our culture tells us, everything Jerry Maguire taught us (you…. complete… me), and everything Hallmark wants us to believe about love and relationships.

Rollercoasters and Wild Rides

I didn’t decide to be single for so long – at first.  One pseudo-relationship ended, and it was years before an actual real one began again and in those years I became a media buyer, kicked blogging up a few notches, decided to become a yoga teacher slash freelance writer slash freelance jack-of-all-trades slash nomad.  And maybe I didn’t have time for dating, maybe I didn’t notice if guys had been interested in me, maybe I was so fiercely independent that the idea of bringing someone else into the equation that was my life seemed like the worst possible idea, or maybe the right guy was still halfway across the country living in a mountain town and plotting his own move to Boulder, Colorado.

Or maybe it was all of the above.

The one thing I was at least conscious of was that fiercely independent part.  I remember telling a friend at some point that it seemed like torture, this idea of subjecting some innocent man to my Wild and Big Dreams Life on top of the fact that I didn’t want to settle in any one place in particular for years on top of the fact that I was becoming some hybrid of geeky granola hippie blogger that was still sort of being figured out.

Collision Course

Sometime in the middle of my yoga teacher training (which started in September 2009), I decided I was going to move out of Minnesota.  By mid-December and after deliberations around Chicago and Denver, I finally knew I needed to be in Boulder, Colorado.  I felt it in my heart – I was supposed to come here.  I was never not coming here.

Right around the time I made the decision to pursue the teaching certification, a certain web designer with his own curious spirit and adventurous heart moved from a Colorado mountain town down to Boulder-town,  seeking a more social social life and new relationships.

In February 2010, our paths crossed for the first time – thank you Twitter.  By mid-March, we were buds and randomly running into each other at happy hours around town.  The first week of April, that all changed somewhere over the course of one particular happy hour that turned into bar-hopping that turned into trivia night that ended with the realization that this guy was Something Important.

We shared the same framework, the same geeky interests, and the same overwhelming desire to travel and experience our world – even the places we wanted to see were the same.  I moved to Boulder and met this man who knew that he wanted to spend a few years moving around and living in different cities to really experience life and culture in each of them.  Oh, I do believe I’ve said that before, have I not?

Hint: your high school English Lit teacher would call this foreshadowing.  Stay tuned on that one.

Going my way?

It’s funny.  We have the story we tell people about how we met, and it usually starts with “Well, the short story is on Twitter.”  And then we launch into the longer story about the business he owns, about how I found them online, and about how we then met in a coffee shop one afternoon because of all that.  That’s what we tell other people and our friends when they ask.

The story we tell ourselves is much simpler:  We were on a collision course, our separate decisions leading us to the same place, turning the same page to a new chapter.

The chapter that was born out of a complete upheaval of decisions, of career, and of direction.  A page that turned only after I followed my heart to a big little town in Colorado, to a commitment to myself and my yoga mat, and to a career made possible by an Internet connection and an obsession with writing.

There was an idea of this whole person who needed to be as sure of herself and decisions as she was sure of the sunrise every morning and the sunset every night.  My intentions and convictions were tested and put through the fire, and at some point I emerged a more authentic and complete version of me.  And it was almost immediately after that that my heart opened and our worlds collided, and here we are.


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Comments (29)

29 Responses to “Collision Course”

  • jackie Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:08 am

    cheers to an awesome couple and how you two met!

  • Doniree Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:31 am

    Thanks, Jack! :)

  • ChaChanna Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:40 am

    Stellar post! I am so with you on the not buying into the whole looking for the other half of my soul stuff. People need to be complete already or else you will be always looking for some other person to fill the void that can only really be filled you.

  • Kim Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:41 am

    This is a lovely story! There are some days that I wonder if I'm ever going to have that kind of connection with a guy – it seems so hard to find, yet I can't stop myself from going out there and looking for it even though I KNOW that's now how you really find it! It's very easy to search for a partner to validate you and fill this missing half of you, when that's not the way to do things either (as you say above), and much harder to complete yourself first. But this post shows definitively that as soon as you do that, you will find a good partner for you, and it gives me hope that this may happen for me someday soon. So, thanks :)

  • jamie Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:44 am

    I love this.

  • Sydney Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 8:45 am

    You just put into words what I think I'm experiencing with myself. And that, my friend, makes my life sparkle. Amazing post!

  • doniree Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 9:12 am

    Exactly! I definitely believe that we not meant to go through life alone or never need help, and I'm certainly not of the opinion that "I can do it myself!" is always the best idea – however, I also believe that if we spend our time seeking someone to complete something we feel is missing, then we're not really able to give of ourselves to them – we're too busy being the recipients that we have nothing to give. When I am whole, then I have life and love to share :) Thanks for the kind words!

  • Rachel Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 9:19 am

    you know, i remember talking with you (or gchatting, they're the same thing, right?) about men that are "projects" and about how you didn't want to subject someone to your wild and crazy adventures / feel held back because you didn't think that was fair. and then here you are, posting shmoopy pictures and writing posts like this and all because you met someone that was already whole, that wants the same awesome and crazy adventures that you do, that makes you a better person just by being himself… and that's what this (life & love) is all about. Jeez, i love you woman. This is amazing. YOU are amazing.

  • Doniree Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 9:20 am

    Yeah, I was absolutely not looking when our paths collided! In fact, I thought I was pretty resistant and then one day decided to just open my heart and see what happened – literally the next day is when things shifted and I saw him differently than I had the previous few months.

  • jeannabarrett Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Sooo cute! It's great hearing how happy you are with this guy – hope to meet him *soon.*

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Oh my God, girl, you are me. I am you. I can't even express how much this resonates with me. That's EXACTLY the kind of person I want and EXACTLY how I feel re my independence. And this just gives me the assurance that a relationship like that can happen & that it will come when it's good & ready. I love that you just trusted yourself and opened yourself up to experiencing life fully, and he was there. Simple.

  • deebuzzing Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Need to say THANK YOU for this reminder that a newly single, fiercely independent gal like myself deserves/must practice checking in and devoting time to self-discovery. Maybe I will find a mate, maybe I won't, but if I do find someone that gives me the butterflies, I'll know it's right because I'll be right with myself. Cool.

  • gracekboyle Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 11:46 am

    I almost started crying reading this.

    As someone who IRL ;) has watched this budding relationship progress and meeting you your first day —> to where you are today here in Colorado, it just makes my heart so full.

    I love following your experience and your realizations. Absolutely beautiful and thank you for sharing. xoxo

  • deebuzzing Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Need to say THANK YOU for this post. It’s a great reminder for a girl like me, newly single, fiercely independent, that checking in with myself and taking the time for self-discovery may or may not find me a mate someday, but if it does, only then will I know it’s meant to be. Woo!

  • Lindsey Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    I am of the same opinion – except I am the you from the beginning of the story. I feel a need to be single and independent, because any relationship that is based on a need for completeness will never pan out in my eyes. Self-love is the most important love of any love, because if you can't love yourself, how can you really love anyone else? Thanks for the reminder that when we are open, good things come :)

  • Lindsey Sparks Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    I totally agree on the completing each other stuff. There wasn't something wrong with me and I wasn't half a person before I met my husband. And while he changed my life dramatically, I'm still independent even though I'm married. We have our own hobbies, we have some of our own money to spend as each of us individually want to spend, we have different friends. Obviously marriage makes you less independent in some aspect because you do consult each other on big issues and have to make decisions together, but overall my husband and I are pretty independent. We didn't even have the same work schedules for a long time and that was fine. Nice even. Many of my other married friends find that horrifying, but we don't have to do every little thing together and it doesn't mean we love each other less. If he stopped playing video games he wouldn't be the geeky hot guy I fell in love with, you know? I'm just glad I found someone who's life goals correspond with mine!

  • Doniree Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    It was a little mind-blowing the ferocity with which that whole thing happened. Tuesday night, I'm in a yoga class battling demons and self and basically screaming to the Universe, "FINE I'M OPEN!" and then on Wednesday night, there he was and there we started. Literally, THE NEXT DAY.

  • Doniree Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    I like to believe that we're not made to be alone, that we're built for companionship and under that belief then, you will find your mate – when they're full and whole and ready to complement everything beautiful about you. :)

  • Doniree Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 1:22 pm

    Thank you SO much, Grace. You've been a pillar in this transition to Boulder and a true friend through all of the changes and relationships that have grown around us :)

  • ErinMakesItWork Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    I ADORE this post, just sayin'. Lately I've been thinking a lot about Fate, mainly because I am reading a book centered on the topic. I believe your love story is an exact representation of how Fate works. People are born with free will, our lives are not chosen for us. We're presented with choices and those choices lead us to experiences we were meant to have and people we were meant to know. You were on a collision course for sure. I love your love.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 24th, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    That's really beautiful. I wish I had had that kind of knowledge about the world and myself before getting married. I love my husband and the family we have created, but I sometimes think I would be a better mate if I had figured out myself first before getting another person involved.

  • marianschembari Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 1:45 am

    GIRLY SQUEEEEALLL!!!! What a wonderful story! Oh, and I've decided that in my brain we're BFFs with matching heart necklaces. The end.

  • Manderz Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 10:17 am

    I too disagree with the “two pieces” theory. It doesn’t allow for growth on a personal level within the relationship. It’s so amazing to find a person who complements who you are and with so many shared aspirations.

  • pixie658 Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 12:55 pm

    *BIG HAPPY SMILE* :D

  • Doniree Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    I LOVE the way you wrote this. I journaled this morning about gratitude (actually a prompt from the Joy Equation, ha) and the question about what I'm grateful for in my past arose. The best I could think wasn't a specific experience itself, but what I actually wrote was, "I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had that have presented me with the choices I've made that have led me to where I am today." I think that nails what you just said and I love that :)

  • Doniree Says:
    August 25th, 2010 at 8:15 pm

    RIGHT? :)

  • Ali Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 11:05 am

    This? This is beautiful stuff right here.

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    October 26th, 2010 at 7:26 pm

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    December 1st, 2010 at 4:04 pm

    [...] up in love and the corresponding constant push to be nothing but completely honest with myself.  I met and fell in love with a man who shares the same belief structure, and goes so far as to not only hold me accountable for [...]

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