Good-bye Dreams, Hello Quarterlife Crisis

posted 6th August 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3

INTRODUCING ALISHA

I wasn’t just absent from school; I was absent from my life.

I remember how I made sure to say “good-bye” to Ryan before I left.  The sun was shining, but it was that orangey-yellow color—the color of late afternoon.  I gave him a hug.  I did not think I would ever see him again and so I had to make sure that I thanked him for being my friend.

That spring semester was crazy for me—I was going crazy—and he let me watch basketball with him.  He let me eat BLTs from Subway with him.  I trekked across campus in ankle-deep snow to hang out with him.  I had made a few other close friends there, but I never felt as though he judged me.  I liked that.  And so I had to say “good-bye”. I think the tears started to fall as soon as I took my first step out the door.  They didn’t stop until we were hours away from Winston-Salem, past the Blue Ridge Mountains, and into Kentucky.

Leaving Wake Forest was rather embarrassing for me–it crushed my soul, bruised my ego.  I think that was the first time I ever really, truly felt like a failure.

Perfectionists like me, we try to avoid that feeling at all costs.  Up until then I always succeeded.  I was a pretty straight kid: a great student; captain of my basketball team; I never went to a party but I had a lot of friends.  I was a babysitter and during the summers I worked two jobs.  So getting into my dream school just seemed like the next logical step.

I chose to leave the Midwest in favor of North Carolina.  I really loved the South: its friendliness, its propriety, the southern drawls, barbeque and sweet tea. I loved those giant magnolia trees, the creamy white columns of the chapel, and how the sun hit the red brick and made everything feel so warm.  It was that kind of place where everyone knew everyone—a community that at times felt like a family.  One night I went to dinner with a sorority sister, my dean was also there.  He stopped me, gave me a kiss on the cheek and introduced me to his wife.

Yeah, it was that kind of place.

But what started out as a dream quickly became a nightmare.  During that last semester, if I was not visiting Ryan, I was in the campus convenience store—usually at night—buying cereal, chips and Lean Cuisine which I would eat and then throw up upon returning to my room.  I stopped making eye contact.  With a little bit of charm and smarts I made my teachers pity me enough so that I was able to miss most of my classes and just email my work.  Then eventually I stopped going to class altogether.

I was not just absent from class, though.  I was absent from life; a shell of my former self.

The thought of walking around in daylight gave me so much anxiety that I would call my psychiatrist weekly, desperate for a tweak in my medications to make it all better.  But it did not get better.  So I had to leave.

I am quite certain I made my dad extremely uncomfortable and extremely sad when I started crying—no, sobbing—in the car.  I cannot remember what hurt more: the heartache of a broken dream or the dull ache in my ribs from all the heaving.  But I do remember that as we made that final exit through the iron gates, all I could think was, “Oh my God.  What do I do now?”

I suppose that is when my Quarterlife Crisis really began.

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Comments (28)

28 Responses to “Good-bye Dreams, Hello Quarterlife Crisis”

  • crnnoel Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 8:28 am

    Oh Alisha…
    I have chills and tears in my eyes.
    I can't wait to read what you bring to this space.

  • marianschembari Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 8:36 am

    Awww, man! Way to leave up on a cliff-hanger!

  • Najela Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 8:59 am

    Wow… powerful stuff.

  • Lidia Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 9:02 am

    Amazing writing! Can't wait to hear more.

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 9:03 am

    My heart is breaking for you. Chillbumps. I want to know more!
    (…and ps – I love the south too; I'm from Charleston, SC! Cheers to palmettos, magnolias & sweet tea!)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Thank you, Corinne. It was definitely one of the hardest things I had to do. And don't worry, I'll be sharing lots more!

  • Alisha Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 9:58 am

    Hehe. Don't worry, there will be more :)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 10:00 am

    I spent many a summer in Charleston. Loooove it there :)

  • Liv Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 11:45 am

    wow, thanks so much for sharing! can not wait to read the rest! you sound like an incredible lady.

  • Manderz Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    You have a very powerful way with words. I feel the pain and desperation inside myself as if this is happening to me. I can’t wait to hear more of your story.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    Awww, thank you, Liv :)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Thank you so much. I look forward to sharing more.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 12:25 pm

    Thanks, Najela :)

  • Heather Rae Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 12:56 pm

    LOVE this, Alisha. You're a great writer! And your honesty and sincerity really shines through on the page. Can't wait to hear more of your story. :)

  • Meredith Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Beautiful post, Alisha! You write so evocatively, I felt as if I were there, experiencing it with you. I look forward to the next installment and to reading about your journey through the crisis.

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 4:55 pm

    Alisha, you're amazing, and I can relate to a lot that you say in this post. I love that you're as awesome as you are, and are showing the world that things can be overcome, and people can succeed.

  • medaner Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 5:10 pm

    As always, from the heart.

  • Lindsey Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    What a story, Alisha. I was just talking with my friend about how the lower your lows are, the higher the highs. And the idea that your worst lows can give you a greater spectrum of emotion, and a greater ability to feel happiness when you hit the limitless peaks of goodness.

    Does that make sense? It was a late night conversation. And it's late now. Thanks for sharing, can't wait to read more :)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 7:09 am

    Thank you, Heather :)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 7:11 am

    Thank you, Meredith. I'm glad you came over!

  • Alisha Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 7:11 am

    Awww, thanks, Katie!

  • Alisha Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 7:12 am

    I do always try to take your advice ;)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 7:15 am

    Yes, Lindsey. That totally makes sense! Sometimes it takes having those really dark, dark experiences in order to really appreciate the good things in life. Thanks for stopping by; I am excited to share more :)

  • tammie Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    i cannot wait for more.

  • Renee Says:
    August 9th, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    Oh wow, Alisha… I can't wait until your next post!

  • Alisha Says:
    August 9th, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    Thanks, Tammie :)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 9th, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Thanks, Renee.

  • rudrip Says:
    August 10th, 2010 at 10:04 pm

    Powerful words. I am eager to hear more.

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