Happy Wives and Stay At Home Moms Still Get Lonely

posted 27th August 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, Family, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

One day we took my husband to work and headed to the little petting zoo in the next town over. The sun was shining. It was warm–warm for March in Chicago: 53 degrees according to the car. My son was happily speaking his toddler-speak…something about planes, sky, and going to the “zoom.” I had all of this wonderful light, bright, happy, great stuff going on, and yet. . . . And yet I was so overwhelmed; drowning in sorrow, loneliness. I almost started crying.

That morning I just felt so alone. There was no one to share my happiness with that day. No one to share that school-girl giddiness. No one to call up and meet for coffee and a quick chat in the backyard. I missed my old home. I missed my friends. I missed the tall oaks–how they lined the streets and shaded you from the mid-day sun. And the broken-up city sidewalks with their names set in blue and white mosaic tiles at each intersection. I missed the strawberry smoothies and melt-in-your-mouth croissants from the coffee shop down the road. I missed the old craftsman windows and Tudor peaks, the sirens from the police station on 63rd, and the neighborhood market with its fresh flowers and juicy scallops.

I am used to being alone.  After all, I am an INFJ—emphasis on the “I”.  My family moved around a lot when I was young (it is difficult to cultivate deep friendships when you move every 1-3 years).  Before children, my Saturdays were spent walking down to the coffee shop, reading best-sellers, watching movies in bed, and running on the trails— alone.

There are few whom I call friends; I consider most to be acquaintances.  And over the past few years I’ve become quite stingy with my friendship, extending it only to those whom I deem worthy.  (Wow. I hope that doesn’t sound like I think my ish don’t stink.  I just am more careful about in whom I invest my time and energy.)  Yet, lately I find myself craving connection on a level that I never have before.

I was not prepared for this loneliness thing.  When I envisioned my life as a stay-at-home mom I saw myself carting the kids to and from playgroups and playdates, chatting it up on the park bench while the children slid down the slides.  There is some of that, but not nearly enough.  It turns out that as I have gotten older, become a wife and a parent, making friends has not been so easy.  Family schedules don’t always mesh.  Children do not always play nicely.  Parenting philosophies differ.

I thought that I could fill the void by connecting with my tribes online.  Don’t get me wrong—the places and spaces I found on the internet are full of inspiring individuals and communities.  They are uplifting, supportive, encouraging and all around awesome!  However, they are no replacement for real human, face-to-face interaction.  Virtual hugs do not compare to the warm embrace of a kind soul.  I prefer “LOL”s to be literal: deep hearty laughs exchanged over a glass of wine and a medium pepperoni pizza. We humans are not made to be alone.  I need to go find my people.

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Comments (22)

22 Responses to “Happy Wives and Stay At Home Moms Still Get Lonely”

  • emmajoan Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Aw Alisha! My emphasis is definitely on the E so I appreciate your willingness to open up to this tribe! But I definitely agree that there is absolutely no replacement to real-life close friends. Good luck!

  • Najela Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 10:03 am

    I understand how you feel. Granted I don't have kids or a husband, but I probably don't have to just feel unconnected to people. I can remember when it was, but looking at people's pictures on FB and seeing how happy they seemed to be, I was just wondering "Why can't my life be like that?" I felt so lonely, especially after my close friend graduated. It took me a long time to figure out why I was lonely and then a long time on how to fix it. I'm not entirely certain that I got it right, but it's a work in progress.

    Thank you for sharing. I really feel that we have a lot in common as far as our personal feelings are concerned.

  • Heather Rae Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 10:04 am

    Alisha, this really speaks to me. I'm an introvert also, and have always loved being alone. I'm the type of person that *craves* alone time. And so I thought that working from home, not going into an office every day would be perfect and sort of a relief (from the crazy co-workers). I was shocked when I realized how lonely that was. As I've gotten older, I've found it harder to make close friends and have found that I really have to put myself out there in order to meet people (easier said than done when you're shy and introverted). I recently moved to Seattle, and for the first few weeks I was SO lonely. But then I started meeting people from my online communities in real life, and I joined some groups on Meetup.com. I've met a lot of great people this way, and I feel a lot happier because of it. Sometimes it's hard to strike a balance between being social and being my usual introverted self. But it's so worth it when you finally discover that balance. I wish you all the best on your quest to find your people! :) Keep working at it – I know they're out there!

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 11:27 am

    Yes! You do need to find your people! We need connection, as humans and especially as women. It's always hard in a new place as an adult, without the social atmosphere of school, and even more so as a super busy adult. Have patience & put yourself out there, out of your comfort zone; you're a lovely person & friendships will come. I will be thinking of you! xo

  • Corinne Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 11:30 am

    "Virtual hugs do not compare to the warm embrace of a kind soul. "
    Yes yes yes. The beauty of the online world is that we can take part in it when it suits us. But there is something to be said for being actually next to someone…
    Wish I could give you a real hug, my friend (and I use that word with full meaning, I consider you a friend, noy just an online buddy ;) )

  • Alisha Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 6:30 am

    Thanks, Emma!

  • Alisha Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 6:32 am

    Yes! I thought being a stay-at-home mom would really be conducive to my need for quiet/alone time. It hasn't exactly turned out that way. I am glad that you have been able to go out and find those groups of people and explore new opportunities. I totally know how hard it is to pur yourself out there like that so that's awesome! I hope to start meeting more people soon. I know it will get easier as the kids get older.

  • streetlightpeople12 Says:
    August 29th, 2010 at 6:01 pm

    Hi Alisha, thanks for being so open and honest with your posts. This one really struck me because I, too, am an introvert. So often I think I should be happy with my 'alone' time, but then I realize that my happiest days are when I'm spending time with people I love. Loneliness has always been, and continues to be, my biggest struggle. And the problem with loneliness is that you think you're the only one! So reading your post reminds me that I'm not alone in this, even if it sometimes feels that way… and also that, like many others, I have to WORK at making connections with people. Good luck to you!!

    Alex

  • Manderz Says:
    August 30th, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Reading this post and the comments, I kept thinking “These are my people. Being an introvert is okay.” It gives me hope that I can find people outside of this virtual world to fill the void.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 30th, 2010 at 8:47 pm

    I am glad that you have started to figure out how to fix that feeling of loneliness. We are all works in progress :)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 30th, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    Awww, thanks Corinne :) I would gladly accept your hug! I agree; the online world is really great and it has helped fill a void, but ultimately it doesn't always do the trick.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 30th, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    Yes! Connection takes work! But it is hard for the introvert sometimes. I have found many other lonely people too just by striking up some small talk every once in a while. I think sometimes we walk around the world thinking we're the only ones who feel a certain way, often times it's not true. I hope you find some new ways to engage and connect :)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 30th, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    Yes, yes. It is okay. Hmmmm…. maybe I need to start a group on Meetup :) It takes more work for us, I think, but I do think we can find others to help give us the connection we need.

  • Lindsey Says:
    September 1st, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    We are lonesome animals. We spend all our life trying to be less lonesome. One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say — and to feel — ”Yes, that’s the way it is, or at least that’s the way I feel it. You’re not as alone as you thought.” – John Steinbeck (Thought of you, ms storiesofsommer)

  • Alisha Says:
    September 3rd, 2010 at 10:29 am

    Thanks Lindsey :)

  • strain lower back Says:
    July 14th, 2011 at 12:14 pm

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  • Tanja Says:
    October 19th, 2011 at 5:41 am

    I was glad to come across your post. lately I have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed and not in control of my life. This could have something to do with the fact that I have a three year old at home, I just finished teacher's college and got pregnant again right away. We are selling our condo and just bought a house, that I fear we may not be able to afford. As well as I don't feel that I have any real connections with anyone. A lot of people I do meet, seem to be more motivated than I, have a more positive attitude. Granted this pregnancy has been really tough on me, sick very often and I am 21 weeks and still throwing up, almost on a daily basis.

    In any case, my husband and I were talking about friendships last night and he said that the older one gets and the more life changes with family, kids, work etc, the more he thinks that friendships become superficial. There is nothing wrong with that, he added. It is just the way it has to be because we get caught up in playing a role to take care of the family, do what needs to be done and make sure our children have better lives than we ever had. To some extent he is right, friendships change as do our changing environments and we have to roll with what comes our way. We have to find some sort of happiness coming from within because we will never find it from the outer world. Something easier said than done. Good luck. Glad to see I am not alone in my thoughts.

  • Michelle Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    My family and I moved to Japan about 6 months ago away from our family and friends and it has been a big adjustment. In a lot of ways this move has been a good thing for us as I was really stressed back home and unable to focus on my children. However, I have lately found myself craving conversation and a true connection with friends. As many of you stated, Facebook, etc, just ain't cutting it. I find that I am sitting by the computer in hopes that someone will chat with me or respond when I try to start a chat with them…not satisfying. I know that I too need to get out there and meet someone that has common interests, but it is so hard to do and can be defeating when you can't seem to find anyone with the same interests that you truly click with. I am glad that I have realized what the problem is and I plan to begin trying harder to meet people.

  • Michelle Says:
    October 28th, 2011 at 4:01 pm

    A couple of days ago I finally called a mom that I met at the pool this summer who has a child almost the same age as my youngest who is also from the South as I am. We are going to begin walking in the mornings together. Here's hoping to finding a good friendship. Thanks to all of you for posting…it was good to know that I am not alone in this feeling.

  • Erica Says:
    December 15th, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    Hi Alisha,

    I am so glad I found your post. I am not a mom, but I am new to Chicago and I work from home (not by choice), and I have never been lonelier. I live with my boyfriend, but seeing him during the evenings and weekends doesn't make up for days spent with no human interaction, other than over the phone and on the internet. I miss my friends from home and school, but most of all I just miss seeing faces and making small talk with people — those little things that eventually add up to friendship.

    I hope that your loneliness has subsided, but it's comforting to know that others are going through the same thing.

    Happy holidays,

    Erica

  • CricketMom Says:
    January 10th, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    I just wanted to say that this is the first thing that comes up with a google search for lonliness and at home moms. And it's exactly what I'm feeling. I used to dream about this job-staying home with a beautiful child… And I love it. And it's devastatingly lonely. It's an impossible paradox made more confusing, as you said, by being a strong introvert. Thanks for sharing. It's not a cure for lonliness, maybe, but it's a cure for the feeling that I'm totally alone with my experiences.

  • Cyndi Says:
    January 12th, 2012 at 11:36 am

    I think the hardest part about being a stay at home mom is that your children are always asking you to serve them this or that or make them happy with this or that and we want to do that for our kids but somewhere inside we know that we have needs too and there is no one there to ask. We are the givers and the husband and kids are the takers. At some point we need to "get" something for ourselves. Then when we meet new people we are so starved for attention that we walk away from the encounter with insecurity over our eagerness. We feel like we need them more than they need us and it friendships just feel more confusing than they did when we were single, active and secure in who we were. I know this is rambling, but I am just putting it out there as best I can.

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