Money Worry: It’s a Family Thing

posted 26th August 2010    Written by: Marian    CATEGORY: All Posts, Family, Job/Career/Work, Marian, Money, Season 3

A recurring argument in my family is that my dad will go to the grocery store and buy things we don’t need. Now, my family is big. There are six of us total and when everyone is home we’ll go through something like three gallons of milk per week. The weekly shop is epic, but my mother has now taken to accompanying my father to Costco so he doesn’t go overboard. Not because he’s an over spender, but because he is so crazed about sales. He’ll drive miles out of the way to save a few pennies on gas. He’ll buy a pound of shredded cheese that will go bad in a week because even three boys can’t eat that many quesadillas.

My grandfather was also a hardcore coupon cutter. He bought things he didn’t need. He hoarded. He bargained. He penny-pinched. He passed those traits on to my father.

In terms of my own spending habits, I’ve always worried about money. I haven’t always saved or budgeted, but the worry has always been there. Even if I have enough, I worry. For this I blame my paternal side.

To be fair to my parents, I was one of the few people at college who had worked all through high school; who had my own bank account with my own money; who understood the concept of a credit card. To be honest, I always felt a little smug because of this. For this I thank my parents.

However, much to my family’s horror, I didn’t take the traditional career route. I quit my safe job in favor of freelancing. I have yet to be properly insured, have no idea where the next check will come from and my boyfriend’s the one that forked out the cash for our crazy expensive flight to New Zealand.

My father was surprisingly supportive when I quit my PR job, saying I should always follow my dreams. Despite his support, however, there was a undertone of doubt. “Hey, you’re young and can make mistakes and be poor now before you have a family to support and bills to pay.” Basically meaning he didn’t expect me to make it big on my own. Frankly, I think both parents are holding their breath for the day I’ll finally throw in the towel on this whole self-employment thing.

Maybe because neither grew up particularly wealthy but are incredibly successful now, they feel the only way to actually make a living is the traditional way. That in terms of money the only way to make it is the way they made it. And since I’ve only been freelancing for a year I’m still not rolling in dough so I have yet to prove them wrong.

The thing is, I have a surprisingly awesome relationship with my parents. They are smart and supportive and raised me to be independent and strong-willed. I am proud of how they raised my brothers and me. That said, I harbor a small amount of resentment towards them because money is always on my mind. I figure 50% of that is The Curse of the Entrepreneur. That other 50% though is due to the fact that every phone call I have with my parents they bring up money. My dad tells me how much he made in overtime or my mom will say how little some newspaper is paying her. But I figure it’s rude of me to say “Hey! I don’t want to know this! My own money issues stress me out, I don’t want in on yours.”

Because then I feel guilty. I feel guilty for the amount of money my parents have spent on me in my 23 years. I look back on the $160,000 college education that I’m not really using, my hospital bills from a bout of surgeries my sophomore year. My trip abroad. My prom dress. I worry about money because they talk about it. I worry about it because I don’t have any. I worry about it because I worry about it and I still don’t really do anything to fix it.

That’s the thing. I stress about money all the time. I woke my boyfriend up at 3 in the morning a few weeks ago sobbing because I had no idea how I was going to pay him back for that plane ticket. A few days later I got emails from three potential clients and stopped worrying for a bit, but now I’m at it again because I don’t know what will happen when these projects are over.

I hate worrying. It consumes a huge chunk of my life, but what are my options? Take a “real” job? Go back to the 9 to 5 I hated so much? Play by somebody else rules? Give up on my idea of what I want my life – my freedom – to look like?

No. I think I’d rather worry.


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Comments (16)

16 Responses to “Money Worry: It’s a Family Thing”

  • Marianne_A Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 8:27 am

    I feel guilty about the money my parents have spent on me too. And ashamed that there are lots of things I COULD do to make more money but that I don't WANT to do. I think that's an issue for all us quarter-life crisis people. All I can think is just to keep trying – even if it means worrying, like you said. Good luck!

  • CharityAyn Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 8:34 am

    Oh, wow, can I relate to this, and kudos to you for sticking it out. I recently had a conversation with my mother about this–about striking out on my own, quitting the job I hate and not taking a new one but working for myself. I pointed out that my savings would be enough to pay the bills for at least a year, and that I wasn't doing it willy nilly or blindly. She was pretty supportive, but her final comment was, "don't tell your father about this right now." Because he's the one who'll start to freak out about my retirement, and that I'm giving that up, and what will I do in 30 years.

    The fact that he and my mom lucked out and found things they LOVED to do right off the bat makes it really hard for them to understand. It wasn't hard for Dad to stick with his job for 30 years, because he loved it. He misses it desperately now that he's retired. He doesn't get what it's like to feel trapped and like you're meant to be doing more, contributing more to the world.

    So, I'm glad your parents are supportive–but that feeling of waiting for you to chuck it in? Yeah–I feel it and I haven't even started yet. And really, go you for just pursuing your dream through the worry, for knowing what you want and going for it. I admire that immensely and find it more inspiring than I can say.

  • Jen Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 8:57 am

    Don't worry, Marian, I worry about money too. Mostly because I'm underpaid, and I was relatively ok with that until I moved into a house with my boyfriend and now have "real" bills to pay. I just cannot afford my lifestyle. Sucks.

  • Najela Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Oh yes. money money money. I told my mom about wanting to get an MFA and all she could say was what can I do with that degree and how am I going to find a job. I told her I don't want an extravagant life style. I want a decent car, a nice house, and a job that doesn't feel like I have to go to work everyday. I'm glad that my mom raised me with a decent work ethic and the ability to appreciate the small things in life, but sometimes I don't think she realizes just how well she raised me.

    I commend you for writing this post. Money always seems to be a constant struggle for us 20somethings.

  • Renee Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Oh my gosh, money gives me an ulcer. I'm always stressed about it… right now, I don't get a paycheck for my TA job until the end of September and I've cut back my hours waiting tables. I don't know how I'm going to pay September's bills. But it's one of those things where I just have let it be and see what unfolds. (NOT MY STYLE but I make do.)

  • susanjanec Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    This post is a breath of fresh air to me. I quit my day job to be my own boss and be a freelancer too, and although it's only my 2nd week, and I constantly worry about money, I know I rather live this way. Thankfully I have a husband and family that supports me and wants only what's best for me. I think we all deserve to do what we want to!

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    I live the same way. I freelance and I am starting a part time job as an assistant teacher in a preschool in a few weeks. Money is constantly on my mind. My parents don't make it any better by stressing me out and feeling like I am not good enough based on my choices to say goodbye to the corporate life that made me miserable. Keep on keeping on because I am convinced you are providing an invaluable service.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 26th, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    totally understand. i feel so indebted to my parents. not because they've made me feel guilty, but because i love them and i appreciate all that they've done to me. but i also know that i don't want to fall into the same trap they have: working a job that i hate because it's "reliable" or because it's "good money". i still haven't confessed to them that i hope to make my living as a freelance writer… too scared of the reaction. don't worry though, girl. your hard work will pay off.

  • marianschembari Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 1:33 am

    Thanks Marianne! I think maybe the "best children" feel guilty because we realize the amount of effort and money it takes to raise a kid. My parents never once made me feel guilty about how much I cost them. Granted, they'd joke about it plenty, but they never complained. Not sure why I feel so guilt about it, but I do!

  • Christy Krumm Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 6:49 am

    Like everyone else, I feel the same way! I have a MASTERS degree, for goodness sake, and I'm almost 30; yet I am still in the process of figuring out what I want to do with my life. But, since I've given up trying to get a job that's all about money, and have resigned myself to doing what I love regardless of what it pays, I've never been happier! Just hang in there because it will absolutely be worth it. Besides, you can always take a part-time gig to keep the cash flowing. I think you've mentioned you want to be a pastry chef, so why not see if you can work the counter at a bakery for 10 hrs. a week? It won't be much, but it will be at least one steady pay check while you build your business and everything else.

  • Desirai Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 7:05 am

    How come none of those options included not worrying? I'm a worrier by nature so I know how you feel. However over the last couple of years I've been training myself to worry less and less. It all started after I watched The Secret. Not sure if you're into the whole concept of the Law of Attraction, but I found it to be extremely rewarding. When you stop using energy to worry and drive yourself crazy, you have a lot more energy to be productive. One of the books I like to recommend to friends is The Little Money Bible by Stuart Wilde. Being the head of the household, I still stress out about money from time to time, but it has been significantly less. Although I may not know how or why, the money I need always shows up when I need it. That may be one of the hardest things to put faith in. But if you can, it will make your life much easier.

  • Manderz Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 9:40 am

    It’s hard not to stress over money. No matter how much you make, it never seems to be enough.

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 11:21 am

    Me too. I'm 29 without a "real" job, and my mom still slips me some cash or mails me a check "just in case" – and it makes me feel so guilty. I don't ask for it, I could definitely use it but can certianly live without it, but the thing I hate the most is that I know I'm causing her stress by not being financially stable. I can't imagine living a life where I don't have to worry about money. Maybe that's part of the problem… maybe I need to start imagining that… :)

  • Accidental Olympian Says:
    August 27th, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    I didn't feel guilty about my parents spending money on me until I got to college. Like you my parents were good about helping me see the value in money. I've had a job since I was 15, my own credit card at 18, paid my own gas, and mostly put myself through college.

    That being said, now when I'm with my mother she tries to spoil me like she did when I was little. "Let me buy you this! I never see you!" But then a week later I'm talking to her on the phone and she's talking about how stressed she is that my father is retiring soon and their lives financially are about to change.

    It's like we're at this age where your parents think you are a child, "Here let me get that for you," but also an equal so they believe they can finally tell you about their financial troubles.

    It's a weird line to walk, and I'm not sure exactly when I'll cross over completely to the other side…

  • Doniree Says:
    August 31st, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    I know it's cliche, but I do believe that whole "do what you love and the money will follow" thing. Again, cliche, fine – but I can't live a life working for the sake of work. I want to do what I love and trust that that will sustain me. So far? It totally has… :)

  • Lesley Says:
    January 11th, 2012 at 11:40 am

    GIRL…this is like reading my own life. Holy cow. I just discovered this website on Twitter so I'm rampantly reading like, every blog post going "YUP" "YUP" YUUUPPP" hahah.

    But wow seriously. This is so close to my own life it's frightening. My parents have always held 'steady jobs' and 'not made enough' yet we lived comfortably when I was growing up. So I not only pressure myself to make money for my own life but feel like I need to rescue them from their non-ideal working situations and let them retire. With college tuition, a wedding dress and other things they've provided me with hanging over me saying "pay them back, pay them back!" My parents are so supportive of my entrepreneurial ways and don't want me to pay them for anything and want to help me etc. etc. but there is that same exact indirect pressure on phone calls with complaints about overtime (yup), or not a big enough raise, or worrying about paying off their house, or retirement funds, etc. etc.

    It's so confusing and frustrating and my heart is palpitating just thinking about it! I don't have any great advice here I just twanted you to know that you're not alone whatsoever and it helps me to realize I'm not either. :)

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