Notes From the Edge

posted 4th August 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: Job/Career/Work, Nikki, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3

INTRODUCING NIKKI

My future is a big unknown, but I’ve come this far and I’m not willing to turn back now.

I’m on the brink.

I’ve been inching closer to it for a year now, feet shuffling forward and sending tiny pebbles hurling into the abyss, wind dancing in my hair and threatening to playfully shove me forward, tempting me with the thought that maybe I’m weightless.  It’s been a year of knowing the edge is in front of me, and now my toes are over the chasm, wiggling in the open air, sending my balance into a dizzying, giddy vertigo.

I imagine my feet leaving the ground, close my eyes and feel myself flying and falling. And hitting the ground.

I live in Los Angeles, a city throbbing with the energy of a million dreams being born and carried and dying on the sidewalks, discarded at the bus stop.  I came here from South Carolina as an actor and in love; I saw my future on the big screen and in a cozy married home.  It wasn’t long before the fantasy disintegrated and I found myself single in this sprawling monster of a city, stunned and unprepared.

I knew I’d made all the right decisions but they sure as hell weren’t easy.

For the next few years, I threw myself into my acting, putting everything – heart and soul – into my career.  I grieved and let go of The Ex and dated – a lot.  I was a single girl in a big city and I felt like Carrie Bradshaw.   I had amazing friends, a great social life, and was following my dream; what more could a girl ask for?

Only, my acting career wasn’t much of a career.  I felt like I was running on a treadmill; I was constantly working, constantly investing my time, money, and energy, and getting nowhere. I did a lot of little things, a few big things, and had a couple terrifyingly major auditions; I even co-created & co-produced some things but still felt like my success was out of my control.

From the outside, I was doing well, slllooooowly building a career.

But on the inside I was miserable.  Wasn’t I pursuing my dream?  Wasn’t this supposed to make me happy?  I felt stuck; I knew I wanted to create but hated the un-artistic, self-conscious, unconfident struggler this city had made me.  I was afraid that if I stopped, I’d be giving up, I’d be a failure and everyone would think, “oh she just couldn’t cut it in Hollywood.”

I believed, really believed, that everyone else my age had their shit together and I was this f-ed up weirdo mess of a failure who was miles, continents, universes behind.  I felt down all the time.  The complete breakdown hit on a typically sunny LA day, in a typically busy LA parking lot.  I sat there for three hours, crying, not caring about the blurry faces drifting past my window.  No one noticed the dying girl in the beat-up Buick.

I was invisible & alone.  I felt like my heart was breaking or my skin was shedding; if I was creating the chrysalis for my future self, I have infinite sympathy for caterpillars.  And I didn’t know anyone who could relate.  I needed out.

Fast forward a year and a half, through tsunamis of tears, a four-month solo backpacking trip in Australia, and the complete and honest acceptance of doing something besides acting with my life, and I had a new plan.   I sold all my furniture and sub-leased my apartment in preparation to cross the country and live with my mom for a year.

It turns out the Universe just doesn’t like the plans I make because the day that I sold the final piece, my bed, I got a phone call that hit me like a bolt of lighting.  I was cast in a major film. Like, in the words of the producer, a real Hollywood movie.  Suddenly all the possible lives that I had honestly come to happy terms with not having came flooding back – what if this is the opportunity I’ve been working and waiting for?

Is this worth changing my life… again?

So here I stand, still on the edge of this Quarterlife cliff.  My future is a big unknown, but I’ve come this far and I’m not willing to turn back now.  I’ve accepted the drop, the emptiness in front of me, and I’ve chosen to trust that I can fly.  Breathe in.  Step off.  Catch the wind…


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Comments (30)

30 Responses to “Notes From the Edge”

  • marianschembari Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 4:40 pm

    I just LOVE how we're catching you right in the middle of a major decision, a major change. Can't wait to read what happens next!

  • Just Me Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 8:51 am

    Hey Mama,

    If you read this post…I would LOVE to talk to you about LA. I'm a 27-year-old who's about to make the move out there by herself. I'm trying to be brave and excited, but I'd love to talk to someone else about how it is to make friends and find community out there. I've lived in NYC for 3 years before, so I'm not afraid of the city lifestyle…but I want to bust through the negative stereotypes of LA that some people have given me…

    Thanks so much for your post. It gives me hope when I need it. :)

  • Erin Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 9:07 am

    Holy crap, did you take the part? What a story… I'm on the edge of my seat over here!

    P.S. I so understand that whole "coming to terms with perceived failure" thing. There is no failure, eff failure, if you're following your heart, you're doing it right. No matter what you decide. Cheering for you in whatever decisions you have made!

  • Julie Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 9:33 am

    Oh my! Your post ends like a Gossip Girl episode. Except it's real life. Can't wait to read what you'll choose and how your story will unfold.

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    I can't wait to SEE what happens next, haha! :)

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 5:57 pm

    So glad I can give you some hope. I would be more than happy to talk to you about LA – it can be a rough road and a lot of the stereotypes are true, but there are also some really wonderful, unexpectedly beautiful things here and, although it took some time, I have found a community of creative, supportive, good people here. Find me on Facebook & let's chat. xx

  • Donna Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 10:38 am

    I actually cried while reading this, Nikki. I feel certain that you and your 'community of creative, supportive, good people' are meant to share your incredible journeys with one another. I believe in ALL of you, not just Todd : ) I only know you through Erin and Todd, pictures and reading your blogs…but I know that talent, imagination, creativity and perseverance is oozing from all of you! I just know that you are right where you are supposed to be and the future holds wonderful things for you! Keep writing, keep creating and keep re-inventing yourself, and you WILL fly!!

  • Lindsey Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 6:46 pm

    What an exciting, scary free-fall of a time. Love your imagery, Nikki, and I can't wait to keep following!

  • Doniree Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    You are a brilliant writer and story-teller! It's amazing to be sharing these stories in the middle of LIFE as it happens – I can't wait to see where you land in the next few months, and I firmly believe you CAN fly :)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 6:57 pm

    Life is so crazy that way. Just when you feel like you need to throw in the towel, a sign appears out of no where and tells you "not yet." Even when you desperately want it to be over and you've finally reconciled. Can't wait to read more :)

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    I did! And it was amazing… but that's a story for later (you'll just have to keep reading) ;) Thank you, and you're SO right about failure – it's all in our perception. Easier said than remembered though, so thanks for the reminder!

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Ha ha! Except maybe a little less catty & sexy. :) xo xo, right?

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 7:14 pm

    Lindsey, Doniree & Alisha – THANK YOU!! So happy that we're all on this falling, flying journey together. xx

  • Chris Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    Great piece, Nikki.

  • Manderz Says:
    August 4th, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    Your story has me on the edge of the seat. I am really looking forward to reading about which path you choose, and where it takes you.

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 5th, 2010 at 5:54 am

    Aww thank you so much! I'm so lucky to have Erin & Todd in my life – they inspire me. We're a pretty good bunch of kids, always up to some kinda shenanigans… ;) Thank you for believing in us. (I hope I get to meet you in person soon! :) )

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 5th, 2010 at 5:56 am

    Thanks! I'm on the edge of my seat too! :D

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 5th, 2010 at 5:56 am

    Thanks, friend.

  • paranoidactress Says:
    August 5th, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    Hey Nikki! How unbelievable! I can't even imagine getting a call like that, just when you were finally at peace with moving on. I just want to tell you, this post saved my day yesterday. I was having a totally craptastic day at my waitressing job and just feeling all out down about life. On my break I decided to check out the new post on Stratejoy and it really turned around my day. I didn't feel so alone anymore. While our struggles and frustrations are different, I can seriously relate to the feelings of frustration and inadequacy. Thank you for sharing :)

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 12:04 am

    I can completely relate. Though my story isn't as fantabulous as yours, I still feel like my future is a giant unknown as well. The universe will bring you the answers. I can't wait to find out what they are.

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 2:38 am

    …and YOU just made MY day – so glad it could help you!! Keep the faith, girl, amazing things DO happen, you just have to stay open to the possibilities. :)

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 2:41 am

    I bet your story is waaaaaay more fantabulous than you give yourself credit for!! We both have to keep on trusting & taking one step at a time into that big blue unknown & you're right, the answers will come.

  • Lindsey Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 3:35 am

    Love!

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    August 6th, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    Gosh, I love this post. And I can't wait to go see you in the movie that you're in. Like, seriously, I tell people that I know an actress, and she's super awesome, and she's going to be insanely famous one day. And then, when you ARE famous, I'm just going to e-mail you like it's do big deal.

    Can you imagine Julia Roberts' friends right now? That'll be me in like…. a year.

  • Marianne_A Says:
    August 7th, 2010 at 4:36 pm

    Hi, I just found Stratejoy today and this is the first post I've commented on. I too lived in L.A. for almost two years (age 23-25) and went through the same struggles. I moved out there from my home in FL all by myself. I feel I could share in your experiences and the experiences of the others who've commented here. Looking forward to hearing more of the story!

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 8th, 2010 at 10:33 am

    HAHA!!! Weeeell, we'll see about that famous part, but thanks! And yes, if I ever am famous, you can SO say you're my friend & come out to stay at my fabulous famous-person home. ;)

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 8th, 2010 at 10:37 am

    Welcome to Stratejoy! I'm sure you can relate to all the LA-based frustrations; this is such a hard place to survive, let alone thrive. Where are you now? I'd like to hear your story! I hope you stick around & follow us through our QLC journeys – all the girls stories are so inspiring! Thanks for reading. :)

  • Marianne_A Says:
    August 8th, 2010 at 11:19 am

    Thanks. I'm back in FL now. The guy I was living with out there stole all my financial info and racked up a lot of debt in my name which I had to straighten out with the credit bureaus. Plus I was broke and couldn't have afforded to stay out there anyway. I wrote a book about it but couldn't get it published (and I'm not confident enough to self publish). Not sure what to do now, but I've got a long distance relationship with someone new, so that's something. Yes, I'll definitely stick around here – good luck!

  • Renee Says:
    August 9th, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Go girl!!! What a great story, I can't wait to watch it unfold here on the Stratejoy blog!

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 10th, 2010 at 11:58 am

    oh no I hate to hear that! What a tough couple years that must've been! LA is hard enough without getting mixed up with a scheming douche like that – I'm glad you've gotten away from that situation. Maybe Stratejoy can help give you some confidence to get your story out there; you might be helping tons of other girls in similar situations. Good luck to you too!!!

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