Old Demons and New Beginnings

posted 13th August 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, Job/Career/Work, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3

After my hasty and drama-filled departure from school, I returned to my parents’ home.  I was back in the Midwest, but this time in a different city and state.  I had no friends, no connection and this did not help the depression or the bulimia.  Soon they were shipping me to what I now affectionately refer to as The 7th Floor.  Thirty days of 7 a.m. weigh-ins, affirmations, group sessions and knitting.  That summer spent on The 7th Floor was not easy, but it was what I needed.

While there I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar II Disorder.  Ah!  Finally, an answer!  Now I understood at least one of the issues my mind and body were facing.  It was there where I met a handful of other young women whose stories compelled me to really make a change for the better.  I graduated on a Saturday; we stood in a circle, said the Serenity Prayer, and I left The 7th Floor for good. I left my demons on the 7th floor.

I kept regular appointments with my psychiatrist and nutritionist (ultimately taking myself off medication of my accord), enrolled in classes at the local community college and worked two part-time jobs.  At the community college I fell back in love with learning, taking only classes that really interested me: African-American History, Sociology, Human Sexuality, and Economics.  I successfully avoided my personal demons.  At work, I fell in love with a boy.  Well, a man, since he was 9 years my senior.  I was amazed at how long he stuck around considering my absurd curfew.  (When you’re under mom and dad’s roof, you’re under mom and dad’s rules.)  It was my first real relationship and I was head over heels.  But it turns out that my job did indeed monitor phone calls and I was fired–something about a conflict of interests because he was a customer.  Then about a month after that he broke up with me.  Looking back on it now, I’m glad that I was at home with my parents when all of this happened.  With their support and encouragement I was able to move on without letting my demons get the best of me.

I always thought a career in law seemed fitting, so that summer I obtained an internship at my local congressional office.  Every morning I wrote form letters, updated databases, deposited recycling, licked envelopes, made new friends.  I absolutely loved it.  So when it was suggested to me that I take a paid campaign position I jumped on it.  I was told that it would be a big deal; if I ever wanted a career in politics, this was the way to go.  Silly, naïve, 20-year-old me took the job.

I was making peanuts—literally, that was all I could afford to eat.  (Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit.  I ate a lot of ramen and Hamburger Helper too.  Oh, and there was free coffee every Monday at the McDonald’s across the street.)  Our office was a large room in a decrepit building downtown.  The homeless walked the streets; the sound of police sirens was incessant.  I worked 60-80 hours a week and in the beginning I really thought I was making a difference.

However, about two months into the gig I felt myself starting to crack.  I was exhausted.  My hair started falling out in clumps.  Then, one evening, I sat on the dingy, broken tile floor, my head against the cold metal stall just inches away from the toilet.  At that moment I knew something had to change.  So I quit.  Political suicide.  “You’ll probably never be able to get another job in politics,” I was told.  It stung but I realized it would be okay. If working in politics meant slowly killing myself, then this was not the job for me.

Darn you, Quarterlife Crisis! Back to school.  Again.  This time I chose a place in the city, a nice 30 minute drive from my parents’ home in the suburbs.  And did I mention it was only 3 minutes from all the bars?  It was the perfect little school in the perfect little city where I could spread my wings as a fully legal adult.  Every Wednesday night I was at the local hangout dancing into the wee hours of the morning.  I felt so free, so happy. In that loud, dirty, sweaty basement I felt myself come alive.  Little did I know, that basement had other plans in store for me.

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Comments (16)

16 Responses to “Old Demons and New Beginnings”

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 9:00 am

    A no-pay job that has you so stressed that your hair falls out in clumps??!?!?! You're right — NOT worth it. Also, I am SO proud of you for facing your demons & getting help! And for continuing to make decisions that benefit you, respecting that those demons could still try to come out & play. I'm so interested to hear more…! xx

  • Laura Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 9:27 am

    "It stung but I realized it would be okay." While this entire post is well written and moving, this is my favorite sentence. It can be applied to so much in my life. Losing a job, breaking up with a boyfriend, getting a bad grade on the test, etc. Thanks for reminding me that pain, like everything in life, is temporary. I wonder what risks we all would take if we knew the bad stuff, the fear, the anxiety, the sadness, wasn't going to last.

  • Najela Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Your post are always so compelling. Knowing that you overcame your trials gives me the strength to do the same with mine. I'm looking forward to reading your next post. That cliffhanger at the end is making me nervous.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Yeah, I mean, in hindsight I don't know what I was thinking taking that job. But you live and you learn. And I am thankful that I knew what my breaking point was.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Yes, Laura. It is so true. When you're going that pain, it's hard to see it through it, because you're in the thick of it. But when it's all over, you're a little better for it.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 11:05 am

    Thank you, Najela. It really means a lot to me that you can relate and that it gives you a little motivation. Thank you for reading :)

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    That sounds hideous. Are there any beautiful souls trying to change the system or is it just too broken?

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Living in the moment forces you to remember each moment passes, eh? I think that's one of the essential things we can learn- acceptance of what is and knowledge that it's transient.

  • Manderz Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 1:54 pm

    Wow. This post makes me feel indulgent for complaining about what I do. Which is a good reminder to be thankful for what I have.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    I think the general sentiment is that campaign work is "paying your dues". They suck you in by continue to tell you how great of a job you're doing and that what you're doing is making a difference. I saw an ugly side to it that I just really didn't like. I think it's hard to change the mindset because it's so institutionalized.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Oh, warrior princess–I like that. No one's ever called me that before :) Those are good questions. I think the main reason that I never give up–can't give up–is because I know that I am capable of so many great things. I have big dreams, callings. Even though I still haven't been able to really define it or figure it out what it is, I know I have a purpose. And I don't think it's been fulfilled yet. Plus, I know that I have a lot of people supporting me. They may not always be vocal about it; they may not be my family members, or my husband, yet I know there are people supporting me, pushing me on, wanting to see me do great things :)

  • Alisha Says:
    August 13th, 2010 at 3:01 pm

    I'm totally guilty of not expressing enough gratitude. For some reason, it's so easy to forget how good we've got it!

  • Renee Says:
    August 14th, 2010 at 3:59 am

    You have to have thick, thick, THICK skin for politics. I wasn't willing to numb myself and become a walking legislative encyclopedia… Alisha is right, changing the institution is damn near impossible. Until we have some respect and compassion (and maybe a few more parties??) will the beautiful souls be able to shine in politics.

  • Alisha Says:
    August 14th, 2010 at 7:33 am

    So true, Renee. You have to be able to separate your compassion from the politics and that was too hard for me. Like, I really cared about my canvassers, I really cared about the city I was working in–to the point where sometimes I would be in tears because of the horrible conditions some of my employees and constituents were in. I got too personal. But that's me. And I thought that's what it was about.

    I just figured that I would have to forget about working in politics and focus on creating *movements*. (When the time is right for me.)

  • Lindsey Sparks Says:
    August 14th, 2010 at 11:56 am

    Wow! Thank you for sharing your story. I was reaching the point of having a mental breakdown in my last job and I'm so glad I left when I did. I feel so much better even though I'm making less money now. I'm glad you were able to get help and that you're sharing your stories with others!

  • Alisha Says:
    August 20th, 2010 at 9:05 pm

    Thank you, Lindsey :) I am glad that people can relate to my story. So happy you were able to escape such an unhealthy environment for yourself. No job and no amount of money is worth all that stress!

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