We’re All In This Together

posted 9th August 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Molly, Quarterlife Crisis, What I've Learned

I shared this lovely poster on Facebook last week, and ever since, I’ve been stuck thinking about what it means…

“We’re All In This Together”

It’s speaking to me about connection and support and truly being there for each other in the fantastic and the awful times. Not just when it’s convenient. Not just when it makes you look good.  And not just in an “I’ll vote for you in your online contest if you “like” my new business page” kind of way….  I’m talking about the “I’ll listen and hold you all teary-eyed and snotty for as long as you need, help you move that damn green couch to your third apartment in 6 months, call to ask how the big medical test went, even when it scares me to death” kind of way.  The kind of way that reaffirms  that you and I are truly in this together, that our love is unconditional, that I recognize you as someone just like me…

I think recognizing that we ARE in this together helps lessen the scariness of this big, bright world.  We yearn for connection, for that lovely “you get me” feeling, that heart-welling heaviness that all is fine for this moment, and perhaps even the next.

I know I do.

Out of all the things in the world of which to be afraid, I’m most scared of being rejected, of feeling alone, of getting stuck in a deep sense of unworthiness.

Deep connections change that.  A sense of belonging lightens the load.  Truly understanding that there is no possible way we can be alone because this amazing world is too full of crazy people just like us, gives hope.  Reaching out to others with our foibles, our fears, and our longing is what allows us to tackle those dark parts. And let me tell you, I’ve learned this the hard way…

There were two major times in my life when I felt truly depressed, scared and hopeless.

The first episode was my senior year in college.  On the outside, I was your typical sorority girl/resident adviser/drama actor/front desk clerk/trying-desperately-to-get-an-impressive-job Ivy League Senior.  On the inside, I was freaking out.   I didn’t want to be at school, where I felt this constant pressure of comparison and the need to be perfect.  The depression boiled up in binge eating, alcohol blackouts, and constant crying alone in my room.  The worst part about it?  I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone. That no one would understand.  That I was completely and utterly alone.

Now, I know addiction and depression run in my family, so I wasn’t clueless.  I saw a therapist in the counseling center and talked to my family about coming home after graduation so I could take care of myself in positive ways.  But for some reason, I still felt ashamed.  Alone.  I couldn’t tell my friends.  I was usually the helper, the positive one, the happy-go-lucky spirit.  Instead, I felt empty. Abandoned.  And seriously, seriously scared that “everyone” would find out.

For the last 6 months of my senior year, I suffered in silence.

I did go home after graduation, jobless, but relieved to be returning somewhere familiar. I was surrounded by the love and support of my parents, and the mountains, and a sweet southern boy, and busy days of work and play, and soon enough, I felt better.  Lighter.  More like myself.

I think back to that time, and wonder how it might have been different if I could have gotten over myself. If I could have reached out and asked for more help.  If I could have admitted that I (obviously) wasn’t perfect, that I was hurting, that I needed some extra support.  What if I had realized “We are all in this together” and truly understood what that meant?

Well, I got another chance to do so…   The second time that I got knocked off the easy path of life was the beginning of my very own Quarterlife Crisis.  I was working in hospitality sales at what I thought was my dream job. Sexy boutique hotel!  Awesome women boss ladies!  Cool clients!  And even though I was fabulous at my job, I felt like I was losing touch with the real me…  A lot of my job felt “fake”: from the suits to the sales process to the “the guest is always right” attitude.

And those damn $4.5o mini Coke bottles.  Seriously.  The thought of charging people that still makes me gag.

I think I ignored the little niggling feeling that “something feels off” for quite awhile before it finally blew up in “crisis” mode.  But there I was again, totally scared that I was once again alone.  After all, I was doing what I had studied in college, getting the proper promotions, kicking butt, making my bonuses, surrounded by great friends and a fabulous boyfriend.   What the fuck did I have to feel depressed about?

Instead of keeping it secret, this time I spoke up.  I wasn’t quiet at all!  I admitted that I was miserable.  I whined, bitched, and commiserated with people. I planned weekday lunches with other downtown 20somethings who felt stuck in their lives and especially their jobs.  I reached out for help from the Big Man, admitting I needed a life overhaul.

Of course, I still cried.  I still felt lost.  But because I was reaching out, it felt a million times better than my last episode of depression.  And this time?  I realized I WAS NOT ALONE.   And that realization allowed me to do something about it.  I used the support of everyone who “got me” and made the major dive of quitting my job and traveling around the world.

And now?  I’m here for you.   And you’re here for me.  And you’re all here for each other.  You may be in crisis.  You may be in awesomeland.  But…

We’re All In This Crazy, Wild, Awe-Inspiring World Together.

So let’s not forget it.

photo credit : sunny fiona

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Comments (17)

17 Responses to “We’re All In This Together”

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    August 9th, 2010 at 4:51 pm

    I'm so glad I found you and all the amazing ladies in the tribe to be "in this together" with!! xx

  • Michelle Bizon Says:
    August 9th, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    Thanks for the great post, Molly! I've been quarterlife-crisising it for about half a year now (I'm a soon-to-be college senior trying to figure out the next step), so it's great to have a reminder that I'm not the only one who hasn't figured it all out yet!

  • Susan Says:
    August 9th, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    I'm really grateful that I found this wonderful place on the internet. Seriously, it has definitely changed my life in a major way! Very very inspiring. :)

  • Nailah Says:
    August 9th, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    Oh Molly, it is posts like these that remind me why I love you. So refreshingly honest and real! Yes, we are all in this together and I feel so relieved to know that there's a tribe of supportive, gutsy girls out there helping each other through this crazy life. Great post!

  • Eran Says:
    August 9th, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Molly, this is a beautifully reassuring post. Thank you :)

  • marianschembari Says:
    August 10th, 2010 at 2:15 am

    I love this post SO HARD. First of all, it's awesome getting to know you a little better, Molly. Secondly, I totally know what you mean about letting people in when you're feeling crappy/confused/depressed. Can't tell you how much more awesome it was dealing with post-graduation-horror when my roommate and I realized we were both on the same page!!

  • Manderz Says:
    August 10th, 2010 at 7:18 am

    It’s so hard to imagine you depressed and unhappy since you just emit happiness like crazy now. But that in itself just makes it even more inspiring.

  • Nancy Jane Smith Says:
    August 10th, 2010 at 11:58 am

    What a wonderful inspiring post–I just found this site a few weeks ago and it is amazing! As I have moved through my own periods of doubt and despair it is the people who have been there for me, who just sat with me through my tears and pain who helped the most. Frequently we want to give advice or 'help' but nothing beats knowing someone just 'gets it' and has your back! Nothing helps me face my fears like the support of my friends!

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    August 11th, 2010 at 8:40 am

    You are SOOO not the only one! And I'm not sure that anyone over really figures it out, we just get better at navigating it all and being true to ourselves!

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    August 11th, 2010 at 8:40 am

    Yay. Love having you here.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    August 11th, 2010 at 8:41 am

    Thanks Nailah! You know me, honest to the point of "sticking my foot in my mouth!". ;)

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    August 11th, 2010 at 8:43 am

    I totally hear you! Sometimes I ask the Big Man "Just listen. Just hear me, without figuring out how to fix me!" That support is what I need most in the moment. (Then later we'll tackle the solutions!)

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    August 11th, 2010 at 8:45 am

    High highs, low lows…. It's one of the things I'm working on- finding a happy medium where my dips aren't quite so wild… Though "working on" has mainly been accepting my swinging emotions and using them to my advantage! I'm not afraid of crying or dancing in delight. Just slightly dramatic! ;)

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    August 11th, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Aw, so nice to have a partner in crime to get through things together! Just like how us online entrepreneurial princesses must stick together and help each other, eh?

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    August 11th, 2010 at 8:47 am

    You're assuredly welcome, Eran. Smooches.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    August 11th, 2010 at 8:47 am

    That's right, cupcake! We ARE together. (Sigh of relief)

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    August 11th, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    This is exactly why I love this program so much. We are all in this together. It may seem like only words on a screen to others, but you are building sisterhood here and that is simply amazing.

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