Am I Woman Enough?: An Update

posted 11th September 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: Events, Job/Career/Work, Renee, Season 3, What I've Learned

Since beginning this blogging gig for Stratejoy, I have started grad school.  If I had been honest about it, I was absolutely terrified to go back to school. My first week was spent trying to hold down my breakfast because I was so nervous. I thought for sure someone was going to discover I was a phony, not smart enough, not good enough, not motivated enough to be a grad student.  I proved myself wrong.

So far, my classes are challenging, the work is rigorous, and I’m surprised how much I love it.  I’m excited to drive the 45 minutes through corn fields and wind farms to get to my giant university each morning.  But the best part of my graduate school career? I’m teaching two sections of Public Speaking to undergrads.

No, I’m not just a teaching assistant. No, I don’t just grade papers. No, there’s no supervisor in my classroom. I’m in front of the classroom, giving assignments, giving lectures, holding office hours, creating lesson plans, and shaping the minds of undergrads.

It’s amazing.

Recently, we spent a class discussing ethics and responsibility in public speaking. My students blew me away. We talked about Tiger Woods, Dr. Laura, Westboro Baptist Church, BP, and Rod Blagojevich. Maybe my expectations were low because the class I teach is required for all undergraduates… but I really think my students are wonderful, engaging, and driven. I’m head over heels for my 50 students.

My routine has shifted. Rather, I actually have a routine now.  A part of me is so excited about this, feeling like I should be preparing for something every moment I have free. The other part of me is panicked, admittedly.  A routine? With importance? You mean I have to go to class every day? Can I do this?

I find, though, that I am most productive and feel best about myself when my time is scheduled well. I leave my house every morning by 6:30am. Some mornings I teach class; some mornings I attend my own classes. My afternoons go by too quickly. On the mornings I teach, I often catch a 45 minute catnap to keep me going. I spend the rest of my day doing homework and lesson planning. On the mornings I attend class, I have evening classes as well. I’ve been hanging out on campus, attempting to find the best study nooks. My lovely mother sent me a Starbucks gift card to get me through my first week. That first Thursday, I found a good parking space with a path that led directly to Starbucks. I used my gift card to get my morning coffee and God bless the treat receipt, because that $2 grande iced chai got me through my three-hour night class. The routine, though rigorous, has been so refreshing.  The productivity makes me feel worthy of this life.

Looking back on the weeks, I know I made the right decision in going back to school. Sometimes, I still feel like maybe I don’t belong, maybe I’m too old, too settled, too domestic to be a student again. But when I’m in front of my 25 students at 8am on a Monday, the fact that I am absolutely thrilled to be there is what makes everything perfect.

Can I do this? Of course I can. And I plan to do this for the rest of my life. I am, indeed, woman enough. Rawr.

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Comments (6)

6 Responses to “Am I Woman Enough?: An Update”

  • Heather Rae Says:
    September 11th, 2010 at 9:35 am

    This brings back memories. I was an instructor for undergrads when I was a grad student, too – and I loved it. Enjoy every moment of it! :)

  • Alisha Says:
    September 11th, 2010 at 1:20 pm

    Wow, that's so awesome :) You are engaging and shping minds; sharing your knowledge and truth, and helping others discover their own. Sounds like a great place to be :) As you adjust to your routine, hopefully the fatigue will fade. So glad you're enjoying this new chapter in your life ;)

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    September 11th, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Of course you are woman enough. Because you are strong and feminine and in charge of your own life. Admitting your fears is the only way to conquer them. Keep it up and you will rock grad school for sure.

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    September 12th, 2010 at 7:34 am

    I am so happy for you!!! And look at you, you are already living part of your big dream life! Wow. Enjoy it, girl, RAWR your awesomeness out loud!

  • Heidi Says:
    September 12th, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    that is so amazing and I am so inspired by you! Never doubt whether you're woman enough, because you are and you are going to rock grad school and you are going to CONTINUE to shape the minds of those 18 year old undergrads :) Aren't routines amazing??? :)

  • Like Summer Camp, Only Cooler | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    November 6th, 2010 at 8:02 am

    [...] gig and you’ve all been dutifully following our up and downs, trials and tribulations. I told you how terrified I was to start grad school and teaching.  I told you how money gives me an ulcer.  I told you my hopes and [...]

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