From Fourth Grade to Future: Learning to Love the Ladies

posted 2nd September 2010    Written by: Marian    CATEGORY: All Posts, Love/Relationships, Marian, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, Travel

When I was in fourth grade my group of friends cornered me in Mr. Aiken’s classroom closet to tell me that they didn’t want to be friends anymore. I can’t for the life of me remember why but somewhere in my pile of childhood journals is a transcript of the conversation.

I’m a deflector. Meaning if I get caught in a deep and meaningful conversation I’ll usually crack a joke to lighten the mood. I rarely cry. So when my elementary school friends ganged up on me I busted out my notebook and wrote down every word. It was “research” apparently. It also helped me forget that my only friends decided they didn’t like me.

It’s been a very long time since I’ve read over my childhood journals, but now that I’m writing this post I realize I probably should. Too bad it’s 3,000 miles away or else I’d give you a sneak peek into the mind of 9-year-old Marian.

Because I don’t have the journal I can’t tell you exactly what they said or what happened afterwards. I remember having friends in elementary school, but I don’t know how I made the transition from big group of girls (who later turned into the popular kids in high school) to one of three. I can tell you, however, that it was over ten years before I belonged to another group of girls.

My friendships after fourth grade fell into one of two categories:

The first was a threesome that would ebb and flow. Chelsea, Thana and I did everything together. We even formed a band and wrote some kick ass songs (if I do say so myself). Thana eventually moved to Croatia. She is still one of my closest friends.

Chelsea and I also bonded with Giulia, a gorgeous Italian who eventually left us for Paris. Giulia now lives in London and am crazy lucky to still have her in my life.

Chelsea and I were ditched for far-away places, but we stayed friends. Sometimes we spoke on the phone every day. Sometimes we wouldn’t speak for a year. To be perfectly honest though, in our little threesomes I always felt like the odd one out. I’ve decided that three is not a good number for friendships.

The second category revolved around guys. Maybe it was because I have three brothers, maybe it was because of my new found hatred for girl groups, but I always got along better with guys. They said what they meant, were easy to be around, and always had interesting things to do.

I obviously got over the whole fourth-grade-friends-ditching-me-thing – kids can be cruel sometimes – but I do think it’s affected the friends I’ve had over the years.

My jealous boyfriend and severe lack of confidence prevented being anywhere even remotely popular in high school. I’ve never been comfortable in groups so always had one or two very close friends who had their own groups but I never really had my own place at lunch. Let’s just say I was bit of a loner.

Then came college. Davidson has the most amazing roommate system and I was paired with a girl who within a week would become my soul mate. Because of psycho-jealous-boyfriend I was pretty much only friends with her, but it didn’t matter. We were attached at the hip and it was okay.

Then I broke up with psycho-jealous-boyfriend and moved to England. I didn’t know a soul when entering the study abroad program, but here were people who didn’t know about my completely anti-social past, didn’t know me as the girl who had no friends, didn’t have any preconceptions about who I was. That was the first time since fourth grade I ever let myself have a group of girlfriends.

And it was fucking wonderful. In my entire life I will never forget those girls. They were adventurous, fun, full of life and stories and open minds. I felt awesome around them.

That November I took a weekend trip to Paris to meet up with some Davidson friends. Girls I was close with at school, but never considered “my group”. Maybe it was because of the new friends I had made in London or the fact that I was free of Asshole Boyfriend, but I connected with them in a way we never had back at school. A weekend full of lingerie shopping, cooking, Rodin and girl chat in the one bed we all shared solidified the closest friends I’ve ever had.

The friendships I made and the friendships I strengthened while living in London changed my views towards groups of women. I learned to trust them. I learned to trust myself.

I thought the fourth-grade drama meant I was a difficult person to get along with. I worried that one event meant disaster for the rest of my friendships. Turns out fourth-grade girls just aren’t very nice and that one experience held no bearing on my future friendships.

In terms of how my friends have affected my Quarterlife Crisis, let’s just say I couldn’t have a better group of girls rallying for me.

So dear Desi, Kelsey and Alea: You are the reason I am capable of doing anything. You are the best cheerleaders, the most beautiful women, the most incredible friends. You remind me every day that I’m awesome. You remind me every day that you’re awesome. Because of this, I love you more than you will ever know.

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Comments (26)

26 Responses to “From Fourth Grade to Future: Learning to Love the Ladies”

  • Joy Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 8:11 am

    I can totally relate to this! I remember the "we aren't friends with you/her anymore" stage and not fitting it at any tables in the lunch room. Always feeling like the loner. I have loved discovering how my true friends are and even though it's taken a few years, think I have some pretty good ones around me.

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 8:15 am

    No one likes everyone and no one is liked by everyone. And not only is that a lesson we all have to learn at some point, it's totally A-OK. YAY for finding your own, best, amazing friends!!!!

  • Clare Webster Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 8:48 am

    Awesome post, Marian. Oh, to read through those childhood journals! I grew up in England and moved to the US right before freshman year of high school – the worst time to not know a soul – so I attached myself to a boy in an unhealthy relationship for a few years. I have one amazing girlfriend to thank for getting me through and away from that, so that I could make a few more equally wonderful friends in college.

    I should find more time to thank my beautiful girlfriends for being just as incredible.

  • mbreau Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 10:25 am

    I love that london changed how you viewed friendships and yourself – perhaps that's part of the reason you fell in love with the city.

    I recently had a similar epiphany – I knew a lot of people in high school but wasn't good friends with very many of them. Basically, we never hung out outside of school. Looking back, I realized it was because I didn't think they wanted to hang out with me, even though they never gave an indications that they didn't – I just assumed, because of experiences from when I was much younger (similar to your 4th grade story).

    I'm recently reached out to a few of the people in high school that I looked up to / thought were cool people and we'll see where it goes. Sometimes our own perceptions of who we are really hold us back – I'm glad to hear you've overcome 4th grade you, because you're awesome and you should know it.

  • marianschembari Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    While comforting to know I'm not the only one, it's also moderately frustrating. I used to think there was something wrong with me, but as I get older I realize we all have these "horrible" experiences as children where we were bullied, left out, or just plain old loners. Apparently my story is ZERO unique. Glad you've found your true friends though – they are the best part of life!

  • marianschembari Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    Amen, sister!

  • marianschembari Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Haha, I was such a little Harriet the Spy! $20 says most bloggers were ;-)

    Sounds like you have an interesting story yourself, lady. I bitched and moaned about moving from Chicago to Connecticut at age 6 and thought it would mean losing all my friends, but moving as a freshman in high school? I'd STILL be bitching and moaning. While your unhealthy relationship sound mighty unfortunate, that friendship sounds awesome. We should all be so lucky!

    And don't forget to remind them ALL the time. My college roommate and I would say "I love you" every night before bed. We were like an old married couple (in a totally corny kind of way), but we also never doubted each other and always felt loved!

  • marianschembari Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 12:20 pm

    What a great idea to contact some old high school friends! I was exactly the same way in high school for the exact same reasons. Sometimes we assume people think more about us than they actually do. I had practically no friends in high school and am terrified about going to my five year reunion this year. But recently, since starting my blog, a few girls I totally worshiped in HS have been commenting on my site, writing me emails and saw my Real Simple feature. It's been a little surreal since I always assumed they were the bitchy popular kids. And who knows why some of them have gotten in touch recently, but it's been interesting to say the least…

  • eemusings Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 3:05 pm

    Three is an awkward number. Funnily enough, until high school, I was always part of trios. And like you I always felt like the odd one out. After all you couldn't have three way phone conversations…or sit three to a seat on the bus..etc etc.

    I had a few good friends in high school, but like you, I don't really look forwrard to my reunion. The people I want to be in touch with, I am.

    I think I kind of self sabotaged in high school. I felt ugly and awkward and nerdy, and almost inferior to the cool kids. So I deliberately kept my distance and my head down. Self fulfilling.

    And yeah, while some of those people were shallow and mean and skanky, some were genuinely decent people, I think.

    I went to a different university than most people from my school, and they all seem to have bonded really well (even groups that previously didn't mesh) on campus.

  • desidomo Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    Muffin…. so maybe I am crying like a little girl right now… what of it? I hope you know that I could not have chosen better words myself to say to YOU… so I won't even attempt it at the moment, because honestly, nothing I could ever say will even scratch the surface of the gratitude I feel for having found my soulmate that first week of freshman year nor my unconditional love for her. Don't know why I just referred to you in the third person. Roll with it. Is it weird I'm writing all of this as a public comment? I don't think so. I think it's the equivalent of shouting about our love "from the mountain tops, with flutes playing, and garlands of fresh herbs," just as we always said we would do. :)

  • Lindsey Says:
    September 2nd, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Have you seen this: http://www.findingkind.com ? I found it on on the Stratejoy facebook page a while back, but it's so relevant to the anti-girlfriend feeling. I definitely still find more comfort being around guys than girls, but it's so good to get those ladies back into your life when you get over it.

  • marianschembari Says:
    September 3rd, 2010 at 1:43 am

    YES! I love you so hard – and public comments or no public comments, you're the bestest friend in the world :)

  • marianschembari Says:
    September 3rd, 2010 at 1:48 am

    Wow, I had never heard of that site, but I'm in love with it now. What an interesting idea! Here's the thing about girl friendships: Women can be incredibly cruel and often hurt us more than men can. But when we find women who are wonderful and supportive and KIND? Then it's totally worth it.

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    September 3rd, 2010 at 5:09 am

    Awww I love this! I am kind of going through a friend identity crisis right now. Majority of my best friends are so far flung we never see each other…and the new people I love only exist in the interwebs. Sort of an odd place to be.

  • Carin S. Says:
    September 3rd, 2010 at 7:01 am

    I think a lot of us non-Mean Girls had a similar experience in school (I certainly did!) and not only did we end up okay, but we may have ended up better off. A little wary, sure, but better judges of character, and more understanding too. Three is really weird and I am constantly annoyed by books/TV shows that show threesomes being so sucessful. They're not. It's so easy for it to shift to "us-against-her". Even numbers always work better. No one feels ganged up on. Davidson's roommate system is totally awesome isn't it? I know I'm still friends with my freshman roommate! And not to advertising my increasing age, but we recently realized we just passed the halfway mark – I've now known her for more than half of my life. Weird! But we're an INTP/INFP match so we're likely to stay friends!

  • Alisha Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 6:47 am

    I too became wary of friendships with other girls. Joining a sorority in college helped and hindered that, but I did come away with a few close friends. But I have noticed that as I get older, the more and more I crave women friendships. Particularly, once you become married, there's just something that's not quite the same about having all-male friendships.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Ahh! So much to say to this!
    1) I've got a bunch of journals from when I was little. As I've been packing up for the trip, I took a little time to reread things. Wow! I forgot 9 year old me felt things so deeply. I wanted to reach out and give her big hug.

    2) I always had girlfriends, but the woe of my middle school existence was that no boy wanted to "go out with me". I was the "smart one" and in a grade of just 30 kids- your titles stuck pretty hard. I couldn't wait until I went "into town" for high school and no one knew I was smart! How ridiculous is that? Of course, it came out soon enough, but in a class of 400, it wasn't such a death penalty for my dating life! :)

    3) QUESTION FOR EVERYONE (on the topic of friendships)- How do you all find time for all your friends? I've got my best lovelies (who just served as my bridemaids!) and then my highschool gals, and then my sorority sisters, and then my work friends, and then my online awesome people, and then, and then…. I constantly feel like I'm inadequately showing love and being a good friend.

    Marian- Thanks for all the sharing you do over here, the very open and honest ways you connect. You're a gem and I'm honored to be your friend. Online for now, but not forever. XO

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 10:20 am

    I just realized I'm a dork for numbering my comments. Ha ha ha

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 10:23 am

    I hear you! Online friends are amazing (smooches to all of you!) but there's something about holding a hand, sharing a laugh, the comfortable silence that is just so much harder to do via the intrawebs. And making friends as adults is hard- definitely takes more effort. Keep truckin', lovely!

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 10:26 am

    That site is so vital. Even as adults I think women often compete, gossip, and tear each other down. And it isn't necessary. It's destructive.

    And just so ya'll know? I've got your back.

  • Molly_Hoyne Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 10:26 am

    I'd love to hear how that reaching out goes!! How brave of you.

  • Alisha Says:
    September 4th, 2010 at 7:44 pm

    Hehe, Molly. You're too silly.

    Now having children, I find it very difficult to make time for my friends who aren't moms. It's a matter of a difference in lifestyle. Also, many of my friends are spread across the country so the phone and email are the only ways we are able to communicate. As the children get older and finances become more stable, my goal is to travel a couple times of year to visit those that I miss the most.

  • Alea Says:
    September 5th, 2010 at 6:53 am

    Pancake! I love you and miss you SO much! This post made me cry–okay, I know I'm an easy audience *cough* 27 dresses *cough*–but I can't even tell you how much you (and all the girls) mean to me. For me, too, you all were the first group of girls, probably ever, that I really trusted and let myself love.

    Having grown up in a town where I didn't fit in, and after a rather horrific experience in 7th grade, I never realized that there were girls out there with whom I could be open and vulnerable–or even that I wanted that. Our relationship has helped me heal and grow in so many ways; I can't even begin to express my gratitude.

    Here's to huge communal farmhouses and to smushing eggs. Livin' the dream. I love you!!!

  • marianschembari Says:
    September 5th, 2010 at 7:23 am

    Oooh, Pancake. I love you ENORMOUSLY. I think that's part of the reason we get along so well – we both feel similarly towards girls. Like I said in a previous comment, girls can be truly awful to each other. But when we're wonderful? When we find women we just click with? Then it's totally worth it.

    Also, in case anyone read your comment and was like "What the hell? Farmhouse and smushing eggs??" The explanation is that my friends and I are going to live in a big farmhouse and have babies with each other. Because science says we can smoosh our eggs and have a baby girl. Yes, we're weird, thanks. It's okay, you'll be jealous of our room full of hippie women where all the girls have two mommies. Aaannnd, Ima stop now.

  • marianschembari Says:
    September 5th, 2010 at 7:23 am

    I number my emails, it's the only way to stay organized ;-)

  • An American Freelancer In London | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    September 9th, 2010 at 8:02 am

    [...] and all these crazy thoughts running around in my head is driving me crazy. I miss my dear, old friends. I miss the tree-lined street where I grew up. But I don’t want to sit back and just [...]

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