Live Like You’re Dying

posted 24th September 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, All Posts, Family, Job/Career/Work, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

One of the unfortunate side-effects of aging is watching your loved ones die.  Five years ago I lost my maternal grandmother; two years after that, my paternal grandmother died.  Last year my father-in-law lost his battle with cancer.  Then two weeks ago my grandfather passed away from the same evil disease.  It’s just the circle of life, I know, but it still scares me.  I am scared of a lot of things (snakes, the paranormal, having a wardrobe malfunction in Target while baby-wearing) but what scares me the most: dying before feeling like I ever really lived.

I have already had a little piece of myself die.  I think of the years around the onset of my bipolar as a slow, painful death.  Whatever was “Alisha” then, withered away and was buried.  Now I am on this seemingly endless journey of re-birth.  I am rediscovering my passions, redefining my values, renewing my confidence and strength.  Foolish me thought these tasks would be easy, but it is hard work.  It is so hard that I worry I will not finish all of it in time to live my dream life.

I honestly and truly believe that I have the potential to be and do anything.  While this is an amazing belief (in which my confidence always wavers), it is also overwhelming.  I have so many passions and interests, notebooks full of ideas and theories, a running lists of careers I want to pursue.  (And I want to pursue them perfectly.  I’m also working on that perfectionism stuff.)  Yet, I feel bound by many constraints.    At 2.5 and 1 year old, my children require constant attention.  From tickles and kisses (my favorite) to poopy diapers and crumbled crackers, my energy is always focused on them.  I love my family (really, I do) but let’s face it: kids are a huge time suck.  Until I can start generating a substantial amount of money–to justify a babysitter and housekeeper–the last little bits of sand in my hour glass are devoted to sleep.

I do realize that I use my talents and potential to raise my children.  They wouldn’t be such happy, awesome kids if I were not consistently trying to give them my best. It just does not feel the same as creating and developing community, healing the sick or enriching the poor.  I want to be an awesome mother, an awesome wife, and an awesome “everything.”

Yet, as I realized when I went up into the mountains, I cannot be “everything.”  There is not enough time in the day–at least not right now.  Does it mean that I will not be able to live my dream life?  No.  Not at all.  I can live my dream life every day.  What I need to get better at is acceptance.  I can no longer spend so much of my time and mental energy focusing on the future.  Planning is great, but as we all know, even “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”  The concept of letting go is a difficult one for a controlling and perfectionistic person such as myself.  But if I want to enjoy the rest of this life–if I want to live a life of no regrets that is full of abundance, authenticity, connection, family and freedom–it means letting go.

I will never live the life I dream of if I can not learn to accept the moments as they come.  When I learn to bring my best to each experience that comes my way.  When I learn to savor each bite of food, each sip of coffee.  When I learn to bask in the golden rays of the sun and dig my toes in the sand.  When I learn to look for the silver lining of all those clouds.  When I learn to cherish each day as though it will be my last–that is when I will live.

(Photo: me with one of my favorite people in the whole world living and having one of the best times I can remember.)

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Comments (7)

7 Responses to “Live Like You’re Dying”

  • mbreau Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 10:57 am

    This may seem really small but it's something that I read about that might let you take a small step in the right direction. At the end of the day, list one thing that went right or that made you smile. Do this everyday. It forces you to view the day positively.

    I read about a mom that did this with her kids each night – asked them to name one thing that made them happy that day. The idea was to raise them to look at life optimistically and to value the good things that happened each day over the things that might have gone wrong.

    I love the concept (though so far haven't made a serious effort to do it myself). Perhaps it would be good in your case.

  • Kat Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 12:51 pm

    I was glad to read your post. I also have a lot of dreams that I want to accomplish, and now that I'm pregnant with my first I wonder how I'm going to find that balance. You sound like you're going to do wonderful things. :)

  • Alisha Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    That is an execellent idea and something that I really should put into practice. It's easy for the minutae of each day to drag you down. I definitely need to do that :) Thanks for sharing!

  • Alisha Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 1:46 pm

    Congrats!! Motherhood is a wonderful life-changing experience. And thanks. There are easy days when I want to sing about lollipops and gumdrops. Then there are bad days when I want to throw up my hands and give up. Yet, through this I am learning more and more about life and myself and I'm really grateful for that.

  • Kelly Says:
    September 27th, 2010 at 3:57 am

    "I worry I will not finish all of it in time to live my dream life."

    I learned not too long ago that my dream life isn't some cardboard-cut-out life that's waiting for me to come occupy it. My dream life is happiness in the life I already have, it's being comfortable in my own skin and appreciative of what's already around me. The dream life is here, now. Making more money, having a better home, going on better vacations, spending more time on my individual interests … it all may or may not happen, but if I can't appreciate what I have now, none of that will mean anything.

    It sounds like you've learned this too. Thanks for this reminder to focus on what truly matters.

  • Alisha Says:
    September 27th, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Thanks Peggie :)

  • Alisha Says:
    September 27th, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Yes, Kelly. It is hard to remember sometimes, but the present really is all that matters!

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