Money. Guilt. A Work in Progress.

posted 25th September 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: Job/Career/Work, Life Lesson, Money, Renee, Season 3

Money. Oh dear. Just thinking about it gives me an ulcer. Writing a post about it makes me weepy. This post breaks my own heart.

As a waitress and a grad student, I don’t have a lot of income. My wonderful husband has a Real Job, which pretty much keeps a roof over our heads. (An overpriced, very finicky roof.) We splurge on HD TV and iPhones because football season and smart phones are important to us. But we’ve had to cut way back on a lot of things.

For a couple that used to go on weekly or bi-weekly dates to restaurants or bars, we rarely go out anymore. In fact, just today we went out for breakfast, our first meal out in months. That bacon-spinach-mushroom skillet was incredible.

Thinking about money always makes me feel guilty. It’s the reason I run myself ragged teaching, taking my own classes, and waiting tables. If I don’t work my ass off then I’m not holding up my end of the bargain. If I don’t burn my fingertips at the restaurant every weekend, if my legs aren’t too sore to stand, if my email isn’t blowing up from my students, if there isn’t a stack of research on my desk then I feel like I just haven’t earned that latte. And those half-priced jeans? Don’t even think about it. I constantly struggle with the guilt of spending. I don’t even get to the point of buyer’s remorse because I never actually buy.

One of my Big Goals is to be financially comfortable and we’re just not there. Here’s the thing, though. I very well could treat myself from time to time, more often than I actually do. I justify all purchases. “When I finish my first paper, I’ll browse Old Navy.” “When I put all my laundry away, I’ll look for winter boots.” “When I make over $100 in tips, I’ll treat my husband to Ben & Jerry’s.”

Yes, there’s a pattern here. Because even if I browse Old Navy or look for winter boots, I don’t actually get anything. I’ll browse Old Navy and carry five new shirts around the story, only to put them all back (unless one is 80% off and only $4). If I look for winter boots, I’ll search Amazon, Zappos, L.L. Bean, and Overstock for weeks only to decide last winter’s boots aren’t that worn out. And I justify the Ben & Jerry’s by telling myself I’m satisfying my husband’s craving, even though the only person who touched that pint of Dublin Mudslide is me.

If I spend any substantial amount of money, I just don’t feel like it’s earned. I just don’t feel I earn enough in this household. It took me weeks to justify the $60 I spent at Gap in August. Even though it was $60 for two pairs of $70 jeans on sale with a coupon. Even though I literally had no jeans that fit me correctly. Even though I needed jeans for school. It hurts me to spend anything when then amount I bring in is minimal.

Will I ever feel comfortable spending money? Will I ever actually treat myself? Will I ever legitimately splurge? Will I ever earn enough to feel comfortable? These are the questions that loom. I look forward to the day I can treat myself and not beat myself up over it for the following week.


[via procsilas]

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Comments (10)

10 Responses to “Money. Guilt. A Work in Progress.”

  • Drew Says:
    September 25th, 2010 at 6:19 pm

    Right there with you… Thank goodness my husband gets a decent salary as a resident since I haven't been able to find employment. However, two people living on that training salary in NY doesn't go very far… This is the first time in my life that I've felt guilty spending money that not that long ago I wouldn't have blinked twice at. Not to mention we now have the joy of paying medical bills ourselves… *ouch*

  • Melissa Breau Says:
    September 26th, 2010 at 9:57 am

    Renee – my mother is just. like. you. She never spends anything on herself, instead envisioning other places that money needs to go – a new pair of shoes for my brother, new tires for the car or saving for college educations for my brothers and i.

    Here's the deal: make sure you don't just get stuck in a cycle where it'll never be enough to treat yourself. It's easy to go there – my mother has – and never return. Setting goals and not rewarding yourself until you make them is good – what isn't good is never allowing yourself to enjoy your success.

    I got into a discussion with some female friends a while back about the concept of enjoying our own success. Basically what we decided is women are a lot less likely to decide they have succeeded. We always want to reach just a little more; we never see ourselves as having "made it," but instead are constantly striving to "get there."

    Things may be tight, but next time you pick up ben & jerrys tell yourself "i earned this."

  • Natasha Hollerup Says:
    September 26th, 2010 at 11:57 am

    You know, I have this same problem. The only thing is that since I'm still an undergrad, I spend my financial aid like it's Christmas. But then, I tend to either return the stuff I look at and go, "I don't really know why I bought this. I don't really need it."

    To top it off, I don't have a job, either. My husband left and isn't working. I'm still on unemployment and I live with my mom. The only splurges I really have these days is when I buy food or toiletries or when I get supercoupons from Borders and even then, I wonder if I should return it.

    I wish you luck with becoming financially comfortable. I hope that you also continue to do well in school.

  • andreagenevieve Says:
    September 27th, 2010 at 6:48 am

    Renee,
    I hear you loud and clear. Money is the root of all evil I think. It makes us all think WAAY too much and never really feel ok with life. I am struggling with a very good paying job, in a HUGE city, with HUGE student loans and still don't have enough to stop living off my credit. I want to go back to school next fall to get another degree, which will just mean more debt, more part-time jobs and no boy with a full time job to help ease the pain. You are lucky to have that and add some sanity to your life!
    (sigh) I wish money didn't exist sometimes. Hang in there…. things always find a way of working out.

  • Heidi Says:
    September 27th, 2010 at 8:02 am

    i totally hear you lady. We've been living on my income solely for a month now and EVERYTHING makes me feel guilty. I'm working 3 jobs 7 days/week to try to make as much money as we can so we don't have to rely on our parents. in the meantime, i'm battling that "but i want it…" especially since i work in retail and constantly see coworkers spending money. I've gotten MUCH better at my spending habits but there's still room for improvement especially if we ever want to pay off our debt :/ i just hope things get easier when hubs gets a job :/

    Just don't forget to reward yourself for your hard work. i've found ways to reward myself (i.e. usually around payday and i'll buy 1 thing from my job because i get a super sweet discount) or letting myself buy m&m's every so often…it's the little things really but when you work as hard as you do – something's gotta give right? otherwise you're just breeding resentment over not allowing yourself to spend anything <3

  • alisha Says:
    September 27th, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Renee, I feel you too! One thing that has helped me through tight financial times (and this might sound obvious), is to have a very clear and transparent budget lined out with your husband. A budget that helps you live within your temporary means but also allows for the occasional splurge to help you keep your sanity and stave off guilt. Even if you guys are deficit spending, I think it's really important to allow yourself little spends (like a latte here and there, or whatever it is that brings you joy).

    Also, I'm sure your husband would agree, but you guys are a team. Right now he's earning more, but maybe in the future you'll be earning more. I think it's important to tackle these issues of joint wealth in whatever way you choose so that it never becomes a source of guilt or resentment.

    Don't worry, money issues are hard – you're not alone! With a bit of effort though I'm sure that what you guys learn regarding your finances and the emotions attached during this tight season will outweigh the difficulties. :)

  • Alisha Says:
    September 27th, 2010 at 6:22 pm

    So feel the same way. Though my husband always says that it's "our" money and he usually has to force me to buy something for myself. I made two recent purchases: underwear and an $8 t-shirt from Target (because I only had 3 2-year-old t-shirts that were covered in stains from baby puke and oatmeal). I felt so incredibly bad for spending that money. Part of me feels as though I should spend that money on something for the kids, or groceries, or the home or pay a few extra dollars on a bill. And part of me just feels like since I didn't earn any of it, I shouldn't spend it.

    I think the issue is that (at least this is my opinion) we equate solvency with independence. Once you feel as though you are indebted to a person, you feel a little trapped, a little childish. Not like an adult. In a marriage though, it's different. You're there to support one another mentally, emotionally and financially. I'm quite certain your husband wouldn't mind if you were frugal and responsible while still treating yourself :)

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    September 27th, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    I hear ya. I feel ridiculously guilty with every dime I spend. I love to watch "How do I look?" and imagine I have $5000 to spend on myself, on a magical credit card I don't have to pay off… but in reality, I know I wouldn't enjoy it; I'd be one of the criers. It's a tough hurdle and I don't have any answers, but just know this: one day, you'll be a respected professor and you and your husband will be more than comfortable; you're on the right track. You don't have to worry so much – it will all be fine. xx

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    I do the same thing. I lost 30 pounds over the summer and almost none of my clothes fit, but I haven't bought anything new. I'd rather treat my wife when I have some extra money. But I've been going a bit stir crazy (since I work from home I'm ALWAYS here). So I took my first day off in a week and a half, cleaned my house, worked on some things for my future…and treated myself to a latte. It was completely worth it.

  • Like Summer Camp, Only Cooler | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    November 6th, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    [...] and tribulations. I told you how terrified I was to start grad school and teaching.  I told you how money gives me an ulcer.  I told you my hopes and [...]

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