Self-Love is the Best Love

posted 17th September 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, All Posts, Family, Inspiration, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

I have a confession to make.  That’s not really me in that bio picture at the bottom of the page.  I mean, it’s me, but it’s not.

In the Black hair community they call it “The Big Chop.”  I had contemplated it for over a year and on one cold night in January, I did it.  I took a pair of scissors from the kitchen drawer, quietly closed the door to the bathroom and went to town.  With several bold snips I went from about 14 inches of hair to 1/4 of an inch of hair.  Now, why in the world would I do this?

First, a very brief and incomplete Black history lesson.

Remember the landmark segregation case <a href=”http://www.loc.gov/exhibits/brown/brown-brown.html”>Brown v. Board of Education</a> case?  They used this study in their argument:

Dr. Kenneth Clark Conducting the “Doll Test”

In the “doll test,” psychologists Kenneth and Mamie Clark used four plastic, diaper-clad dolls, identical except for color. They showed the dolls to black children between the ages of three and seven and asked them questions to determine racial perception and preference. Almost all of the children readily identified the race of the dolls. However, when asked which they preferred, the majority selected the white doll and attributed positive characteristics to it. The Clarks also gave the children outline drawings of a boy and girl and asked them to color the figures the same color as themselves. Many of the children with dark complexions colored the figures with a white or yellow crayon. The Clarks concluded that “prejudice, discrimination, and segregation” caused black children to develop a sense of inferiority and self-hatred. courtesy of The Library of Congress website

It is hard to believe that with all of the social progress we’ve made over these past 50 years, this sense of inferiority and self-hatred still exists.  Being Black was never beautiful.  And our hair?  Not acceptable.  It’s hard to change the color of your skin, but you can change your locks, you hair, your mane, or whatever you choose to call it..

Let me use an analogy that may be more relatable.  The media bombards us with images of women with photoshopped bodies and faces.  Our subconscious convinces us that is what other “real” women look like so we develop eating disorders and pay thousands of dollars for creams, undergarments, (dangerous) drugs and surgeries to become this supreme version of a woman.  This is what black women do with their hair.  We spend thousands of dollars on very, very dangerous chemicals that are applied to  our scalp to achieve that straight and silky look.

Ok.  So here is why I pulled a Britney.

RE-DEFINING BEAUTY.  I wanted to raise a big fist to The Man; to make it known that I now realize that I have been lied to.  My hair–the hair that grows out of my head–is good hair.  It is good hair because it is my hair and I want to love all that is me.

HEALTH.  Relaxers contain corrosive chemicals.  Corrosive meaning that they can disolve fabric, plastic and skin.

FREEDOM.  I needed to be free from the emotional baggage that was attached to that hair.  I believe that your hair holds energy and a lot of this energy was negative.  As I started to cut away, I felt lighter and lighter and lighter.  And when it was all gone, I felt so incredibly free.

MY DAUGHTER.  My little girl is bi-racial.  I have no idea what her hair is going to look like.  But I want her to be proud of it (and her eyes, face, body, mind).  I need to be an example of a strong and proud woman.

These reasons are sound pretty righteous, right?  And I really do believe in them, however. . . . The truth is, that over the past couple of months I started to hate my hair.  I was not prepared for the psychological battles I would have to fight.  You should have seen the looks on people’s faces when they saw me post-chop.  I could see them searching for the right words; afraid to say the wrong thing, they often said nothing at all.  Each morning I stood in front of the mirror trying to comb through my thick, coarse hair, frustration mounting with each tug and pull.

Lately I have been tempted to go back to the relaxer, convinced that with straight hair I am prettier, sexier, more sophisticated.  But as my resentment continued to build, it seemed as though more and more people started to comment about my daughter’s hair.  “Wow, if her hair stays likes this, she’ll be so pretty,” they said.  “Her hair is so soft, it’s so pretty.  I wonder if it will stay this way?”  Hearing that over and over again reminded of why I needed to stick through this.  Growing my hair out in its natural state–loving myself and my hair because it is genuinely me–is one of the greatest examples of self-love that I can display for my daughter.  Because, what if her hair doesn’t stay that way?   What if it changes and becomes as coarse and thick as mine?  I want her to know that she is still beautiful despite the texture of her hair.  I will no longer consider my hair to be a burden, a dreaded task through which I must suffer.  No.  It is my labor of love.  It is process of self-care and self-love that will continue to teach me and inspire me to stay true to my self.

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Comments (16)

16 Responses to “Self-Love is the Best Love”

  • Kimberly Johnson Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Right on Alisha,
    I have a confession to make. I am jealous of
    naturals. I think they are so sexy and bold. I totally
    get your path with your hair and how much it represents.
    I was the white girl in college who was ironing all
    of my Black girlfriends hair. I have bright red hair, and
    I have always been known as the girl with the red hair.
    So in my early 20s I got bold and cut it off. I had to learn to
    love myself and see if people would love me without the
    red locks. Everyone told me I was crazy and couldn't wait
    til I grew it back. But I loved it. Really different kinds of men were
    attracted to me. Very interesting experiment.
    Now my hair is long again, and I have to say that I do feel sexier
    in a way. But any experiment in self-identity is such a powerful
    and worthwhile one. We are so much more than our hair!
    I bow to you as the mother of two children!

    Love Kimberly

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 8:57 am

    I completely agree about loving yourself. It's the best love but it's hard. I'm a naturally big-boned, curvy woman with baby fine, "boring" brown hair. It took me a long time to realize that my body-type is beautiful. When I did it made me want to eat better and exercise. I cut my hair a week ago into the short style I prefer, after 8 months of trying to grow it out because everyone else wanted me to. The hairdresser tried to convince me my color would be "more interesting" with highlights. Hey, I like being the only brunette in a family of blondes, thank you!

  • Lindsey Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 9:41 am

    I've always wanted to shave my head. How liberating to be free! Go girl!

    It's a battle to love yourself and get that positive attitude rockin' out when it feels like everyone around is questioning. My advice: don't let 'em get to you. Focus on knowing your choices ARE righteous and believing it with all your heart.

    I am kind of weak when it comes to this sort of thing. I rely on the opinions of others and let my own thoughts get affected by them, even though only I know what's right for me. We have all the answers. Stop listening to people who don't :)

  • mbreau Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Alisha,

    I wanted to let you know I think you're beautiful in the post-chop picture.

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Wow. I agree with mbreau – you look beautiful post-chop. And, confession: I've always been jealous of african-american hair; I think the knots and braids and dreds and afros are so cool. My hair is stick straight and boring. Be proud of what you've got because the grass is always greener :) and you ARE beautiful just as you naturally are.

  • ChaChanna Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    Stellar post Alisha!

    I used to relax my hair but always wanted to go natural but my mother said it wasn't happening while I was in her house. And, as I got older I was afraid to do it for fear of what people would think of me and wondering if I would be able to get a job, would I be taken seriously. I decided to ease myself into it by wearing braids for a year because I was not as brave as you and wanted to have a low 'fro. Then I chopped off the relaxed hair and rocked my lil 'fro. My mother freaked but she lived.

    Four years ago, I decided to loc it. And, it is one of the best hair decisions I have ever made. I love my locs. Actually, my hair is much longer than it ever has been. My hair is healthy and it's all mine. And, I actually get more compliments now than when my hair was relaxed. So, whether you decide to continue to grow it out or loc it up, enjoy it!

    And for those who inquire about your daughter's hair, tell them that her hair is beautiful now and it will get even more beautiful as she gets older.

  • Alisha Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 3:18 pm

    I agree. This experiment in self-identity is teaching a lot about myself. It's helped me push my limits and yes, I have realized that I am more than my hair. Though my perception of self still is a little shaky.

  • Alisha Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 3:19 pm

    It is soooo hard. And it's so sad that we value other's opinions of our outward appearance so much that it makes us feel so terrible about what's inside too. Thankfully my husband really likes it so it has made the journey not aspainful as it could be.

  • Alisha Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Thanks, Lindsey. Cutting my hair all by myself was really liberating. I recommend everyone do it once. It's such a powerful moment. The answers really do reside within ourselves :)

  • Alisha Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 3:22 pm

    Thank you, mbreau :)

  • Alisha Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 3:25 pm

    Aww thank you Nikki. The grass is indeed always greener. We all have out insecurities, no matter what race or ethnicity we are. So I'm glad you can kind of relate :) I am sure it will continue to grow on me and I'll learn to really and truly ove it.

  • Alisha Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    Thank you ChaChanna. I grew up with parents who think your mother–though my mom ended up beating me to the transition to natural hair. My father still has his reservations about it, but I think he's gotten used to it.

    I have been thinking about locs but am so scared of the commitment–even though I think they would look great. I'm glad that you too were able to resist the outside influence and do what felt right for you.

  • Najela Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    I love this post. My friends and I were just talking about the texture of our hair today and it was so strange that Tyra was talking about it on her show as well. It works the other way too. I like to get my hair weaved simply because I just don't want to do deal with my natural hair. It looks more professional to me, which I suppose is a sad and crazy thing to think but I love my natural hair. It's so versatile, but it can be hard to deal with some time just like I imagine everyone else of any ethnicity has problems with their hair type as well.

  • LisaMilesBrady Says:
    September 17th, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    Oh my…the big chop.

    And the first outing with the teenie weenie afro.

    I went to work one day with shoulder-length relaxed hair and came back from lunch at the barber shop with 1.5" of hair.

    The looks were priceless. The whispers behind my back were validation-I had done the right thing. And clearly *they* were more attached to my hair than I was, because now I didn't quite "fit in."

    I did it after starting coach training believing that if I was going to be helping women lead more authentic lives, that I should examine all the places in my life where *I* wasn't being authentic. My hair was first. I left the company I'd eventually log 15 years with about a 18 months later.

    I've never looked back.

    American society has done a brilliant job sending black women the message that you are too round, too loud, too proud, too ugly, etc. as you are. If you only did this, that or the other thing, you'd be more accepted.

    Kudos to you, Alisha, for showing your daughter that self-love is the most beautiful thing we can give ourselves.

  • Alisha Says:
    September 18th, 2010 at 7:34 am

    Thanks Lisa :) I can only imagine how your co-workers would have reacted! Probably the same way my husband's family and some of my friends did :) The reasons you did it are totally the same for me. I knew that if I was to lead an authentic life, the hair had to go. Cutting it off freed me from a lot of baggage. Though my confidence in my choice wavers some days, I am still glad that I did it.

  • Alisha Says:
    September 18th, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    Thank you. It's so hard to appreciate it when you feel like society tells you differently. But thank you, ladies, for the extra boost in confidence :)

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