Showdown with the Bogeyman

posted 29th September 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: All Posts, Life Lesson, Nikki, Season 3

I am scared of the dark.  I will sit staring wide-eyed into the night hoping that my pupils grow to a cat-like diameter and allow me to see more than what my terrible imagination creates out of various shades of black and blacker.

I have been known to check not only under my bed, but behind dressers and in small linen closets, places no human could possibly ever fit, before turning out the lights.  I have to convince myself, beyond any doubt, that there is not a killer waiting to pounce once my eyes are closed.

This is embarrassing to admit, since I’m almost 30 and therefore an actual, certified grown-up.

I’m also scared of commitment, which is a much more adult fear to have and therefore not nearly as humiliating.  However, it’s pretty typical in our generation, so I kind of feel like a jerkface admitting it.  All the cool kids are afraid of commitment.

Except that’s not really true.  The coolest people I know have committed to something or someone.  I think that if you go into it with eyes open and gut leading the way, it is a strong person who is able to say, “this is what I want and I know this One Thing is worth not having all those possible Other Things out there.”  That certainty kind of blows my mind.

I have never felt that sure about anything.

Which is why it’s scary – it’s less a fear of commitment and more a fear of committing to the wrong thing.  A fear of settling.  A fear of missing out on something that’s good for me because I’m just not sure, and of settling for something that’s not great for me because I’ve never been sure.

The whole world is open to me, there are too many options, and if my gut doesn’t feel strongly about anything, I have no compass with which to navigate through them all. I’m in the dark, straining to see more than shadows and trying to keep my imagination in check.

And because of that lack of certainty in myself, I have another completely unreasonable fear: the fear of what others think.  They go hand-in-hand, merrily skipping down the field of my psyche, trampling daisies and positivity.  I start to question my choices and doubt myself, and my brain fuels it, building a bogeyman who grins at me with his wicked gleaming teeth and tells me what kind of a failure and shiftless lazy whiner everyone thinks I am, and how I’m never going to get the life I want so I might as well settle for just OK.

I know he’s full of shit but he’s so persuasive.  I want to hide under the covers but I know that when he appears, slinking out of the dark corners of my mind, the only thing to do is turn on the light.

I tell myself:  I have time.  I make good decisions.  I will know when something is right.  If I make a mistake, it’s never really a mistake.  I can have my best life.  I have friends who love me.  I am a good, smart person.  I am worth love and respect. I remind myself of all the things in life I’ve achieved that I’m proud of, and all the instances where I’ve proved stronger than I thought I was.  Poof!  In the light, the bogeyman who seemed so menacing a second ago is nothing but a pile of clean clothes in the corner that I’ve neglected to put away.

Fear will always be lurking behind that winter coat in the back of my closet, waiting to come out on dark days.  But I refuse to let it terrorize me.  I know that, as much courage as it takes to face it, all I really have to do is shine a little light to see that there is nothing to be afraid of.

{photo source: ~borzikako~}

Bookmark and Share
Comments (8)

8 Responses to “Showdown with the Bogeyman”

  • streetlightpeople12 Says:
    September 29th, 2010 at 12:01 pm

    Thank you for writing this post- I identified with so much! Like trying to navigate through the countless options without a compass (that strong gut feeling)… so true! But also, 'I have time'. I recently turned 30, and as much as I didn't want that age to mean anything different than 29… it did. All of a sudden I felt like I needed to figure everything out and know exactly what I wanted out of life. And so, I find myself repeating (almost on a daily basis), "It's a long life. I have time. I have time. I have time." (But at the same time knowing that I have to be intentional in the choices I make and the life I'm living).

  • Ashleigh Says:
    September 29th, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    This is the first time I've commented on a post here at Stratejoy – and it's because this piece, Nikki, so totally resonated with where I'm at right now. This could not have shown up in my Reader at a more perfect time. Thank you for articulating this so well – and for being brave enough to share it. Solidarity, sistah!

  • Just Me Says:
    September 29th, 2010 at 12:07 pm

    I hear this in surround sound, babe. You're NOT alone on this.

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    September 29th, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    I am so glad! I do believe things come to you when you're ready and when you need to hear them. Solidarity, for sure – high five!!

  • nikkiklecha Says:
    September 29th, 2010 at 8:01 pm

    Thank you, big mama! :) For what it's worth, I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing and what you so, so rock at. You've inspired me and a community of women to share authentically and showed us we're not alone. And if at some point, you decide this has served it's purpose and it's time to move on, you have the strength to make that happen, too. It's worth it. It's all worth it. Hopefully, together, this gutsy tribe can shine so bright we send all our demons running! xx love

  • Alisha Says:
    September 30th, 2010 at 9:18 am

    I am so scared of committment. I didn't even realize it until I got married – LOL!! But seriously, I think the same things…have the same doubts…find myself grabbing that sheet. It takes a lot to trust in ourselves.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Ha ha! Well you just dived right in and faced that fear! Right on! :) You're right, it takes a lot of courage to just trust. We've got that courage, though; we'll be fine. xx

  • Juliana Jonson Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 10:39 am

    OMG Nikki!!! This is amazing. You are always such an inspiration to me. Thank you for being so awesome.

Leave a Reply

name*


email* (will not be published)


website


comments