Confusion And Low-Points Won’t Put Out My Fire

posted 15th October 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, All Posts, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

I disliked him right from the start.  Even though it was 3:30 in the afternoon, his slacks were still freshly pressed and his shirt was wrinkle free.  His bald head shone under the flourescent lights.  When he uttered my name, our eyes met but he did not smile.  Every doctor should smile.  The office was claustrophobic, crowded with moving boxes.  I squeezed inbetween the edge of his desk and the two office chairs and took my seat.

The appointment was quick.  (I can’t believe I have to pay this guy $173.92 for 26 minutes.  That’s a heck of a rate!)  Before I left he slid the prescription across his desk and shot out “See ya in three weeks!”

I knew this day would come.  It was inevitable, really.  Pride and confusion about what is and isn’t in my control kept delaying the decision until I found myself on the edge.

I have penchant for everything melancholy–I always have.  I don’t think I sought it out as a child, but when you’re so young and have already had a lifetime of “good-byes,” and an immeasurable amount of confusion,  I think it would be hard not to be just a teensy bit sad.  And, unfortunatley, depression runs in my family.  Damn you, genetics!  At age 14 I had my first major depressive episode.  Some window cleaner, bleach and a random sampling of items in the medicine cabinet resulted in nothing more than a bad stomach-ache and a long nap.  (Thank goodness!)  For some days after, I would come home from school, take a few Tylenol PM and check out until the next day.  I somehow managed to get over it.

That was my first–and only–suicide attempt.  But over the past few years, some dark thoughts have haunted me.  My lows have been low–lower than low, and there have not been very many highs.  Chronic fatigue, a short temper and high anxiety do not a good Mommy make.

Now don’t get me wrong.  Some of these feelings are a direct result of choices I made.  Choices that were at war with my values. At times I was nothing short of dying of confusion.  There were many days when I chose not to care.  I chose to give up.  I threw water on my flame.

But then there were the days when that little bit of my soul that was on fire–burning for change, burning for dreams, burning for life–couldn’t grow no matter how hard I tried to stoke it.  That’s when you know you need a little bit of kerosene.  Or, in this case, some Wellbutrin.

I finally realized that the choice to go back on medication is not an admission of weakness.  It is a testament of strength. It is an act of self-love.  Maybe that’s what this whole quarterlife crisis thing is about: learning to love yourself.

(photo credit)

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Comments (11)

11 Responses to “Confusion And Low-Points Won’t Put Out My Fire”

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 9:26 am

    No maybes; that IS what it's about. I truly believe it takes a much, much stronger person to admit they need help – whether it be via therapy, medicine, or whatever it takes – than to be "fine" and "deal" with it. We can't escape our genetics or our past, all we can do is try to make choices that move us forward in a positive direction from there. Sending you love. xx

  • Doniree Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 9:44 am

    I think anytime we make a choice to take care of ourselves, it's an act of self-love, and like Nikki said – it takes a strong person to seek and act upon getting help. Kudos to you for taking care of you :)

  • Manderz Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 10:58 am

    It absolutely is a testament of strength. Kudos to you for taking this step.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 16th, 2010 at 10:44 am

    I agree with all of the above comments, Alisha. Depression runs in my family and I've watched close family members go on and off meds- and truly- they can be the tipping point to be able to see the sunshine that is there, the first step towards realizing the incredible difference your life makes on those around you, the little difference that makes it easier to get up and deal with life with a smile instead of a frown. There is nothing weak about getting yourself the help you need- it's loving. Gentle. Caring.

    We're all here for you honey. Don't be afraid to reach out for some love and support when you need it. It just shows us all how strong you are- that you know when you need an ear, a hug, a sounding board.

    Big hugs and love.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 17th, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Thank you, Nikki :) You are right, it is about choices and trusting those choices.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 17th, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Thanks, Doniree. I am finally starting to realize that self-love is not selfish; it's necessary in order for me to be *self-less*.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 17th, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    Thank you :)

  • Alisha Says:
    October 17th, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Thank you, Molly, for creating a community where I can get the extra support I need. It's really been a blessing.

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    October 20th, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    I honestly believe (as I have told you before) that we all have much to learn from you. Most people present their best self on the internet, while you present your weaknesses. It makes you so much stronger. Self-love is the most difficult (and most rewarding) form of love. I admire you for standing up and saying "I'm not okay…but I want to be, and I'll do whatever it takes." If I could I would give you a great big hug right now. Unless you're one of those people uncomfortable with hugging.

  • Hello. My name is Alisha and I'm a (Recovering) Perfectionist. | Stratejoy | Conquer Your Quarterlife Crisis through Fresh Strategies for Real Joy Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 8:03 am

    [...] rolling up my shorts in the 4th grade.  No really, I didn’t even go to a party in high school.  Remember that suicide attempt when I was 14?  What pushed me over the edge was the D in Geometry that appeared on my mid-term report card.  [...]

  • Alisha Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 9:14 pm

    Haha…actually, Erin, I love hugs. Thank you for the offer :) And thank you for your comments. They encourage me to keep sharing my truth. This is me. All of me. It is what I want to give. It humbles me to have so many people who can relate, who can support and encourage. So thank you, again!

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