Fearlessly Afraid, and Pretty Confused

posted 24th October 2010    Written by: Lindsey    CATEGORY: Life Lesson, Lindsey, Season 3, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

I am fearless when it comes to many things. Heights aren’t a big thing. While the imminent death of standing on a precipice usually gives me vertigo, I can usually suck it up for the cliff jumping experience.

Giant spiders might scare me if I hadn’t muted down the fear living in Hawaiian jungles. I once woke up with a spider the size of my hand in bed with me. When I scooted away, the spider disappeared into the dark corners of my bamboo cottage. I caught glimpses of him on the walls throughout the next few weeks, but I was okay with the monster spider in a way that made me chuckle to imagine most of my friends in this situation. (To their shrieks over daddy long legs: “You’re scared of THAT spider? Duuuuudddeee.”)

I might even call fear one of my pet peeves. Most of the stuff I end up doing is something that someone in my life is afraid of and very willing to share their fears with me.

The latest example is on the sailing front. I tell people I am going to crew on a sailboat and the general consensus is that I will definitely be raped and murdered by the captain, who most definitely is hiring crew only to achieve said rape and murder of innocent little me. And if that doesn’t happen, I will definitely be sold into sex slavery because the African warlords love American girls. And if not that, the pirates will rob us. And rape us.

Not exagerating at all, I have had to make up excuses for these very real fears that people have for me. The African warlords one was my favorite. Seriously? That is why you want me to give up this experience? Because there is a possibility (?!) of THAT?

I fell hard of my bike the other day. Riding home from yoga at eleven in the morning, making a too-quick turn and there I was sprawled on the pavement. I smashed a lot of things, but I avoided my head, thankfully.

An experience like that really woke me up though. Life is fragile. There is no time clock on my life. And I do, I really do want to live a long, luscious life of amazing awesomeness. But if I’m gonna bite the dust, I’d much rather do it living my life out loud, rather than holding back and living in fear. If I would have died on my bike, at 24, while living with my parents, I would have been pissed.

But while I can live my fearless life, I do have a BIG, very real fear:  public speaking.

And you can’t even DIE from this. Yet here I am, doing extreme sports but too afraid to speak into a microphone.

I talk a ton, and I usually find myself spouting stories off when in small groups of friends. But the second I need to make a remotely professional presentation that requires me to act intelligent and functional, I turn into a giggly, twitchy idiot who talks far too fast for anyone to gather anything besides the rampant nervousness woven into my unintelligible words. I avoid making presentations like the plague.

This leads into my fears that have me completely stuck right now. It’s more than public speaking, it’s putting myself out in front of people to be judged.

I’ve tossed around a bunch of different ideas for how I’d be able to independently make money and not have to be a waitress. But they all require me to step out of my comfort zone. I’ll need to put myself out there in the way that my instincts say “No, no, no thanks, nope.”

So I’m afraid. And I’m stuck. And I keep getting waitressing jobs instead of trying something because what if I fail OH NO the horror.

Suck it up, Lindsey.

That’s what I try to tell myself. But it’s so easy to stay afraid. It might take a little longer to stop…

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Comments (11)

11 Responses to “Fearlessly Afraid, and Pretty Confused”

  • Ask Alice Says:
    October 24th, 2010 at 8:59 am

    Hey Lindsay, I know this sounds strange but when I was working for a big oil company in Canada, I had to give presentations and I was SO nervous doing it that my boss recommended that I join Toastmasters. It's a speech club where you are encouraged (though never forced) to give speeches and you start off with short toasts or even things like "word of the day" where all you have to do is pick a word and present it to the group.
    It made me a lot more comfortable and potential employers love it. It helped me so much that I had the courage to take my CELTA and am heading off to teach English overseas in a few months (I also waitressed for years out of fear of failure). You should def look into it.

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    October 24th, 2010 at 10:49 am

    I have the same issues. Most petty fears I can conquer. I am the resident bug killer in my apartment and I was the first one to pick up and play with the bearded dragon we are "dragon sitting" for a friend of my brothers. I don't do snakes very well though, but that comes from growing up in wooded North Carolina were copperheads were a very real threat. Still, I am sometimes afraid to embrace my own life and just go for dreams, because FAILURE is the scariest thing ever. But lets do it, lets go for those dreams. We can pick each other up when we stumble.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 24th, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    Yes, I think it would be much better to die living out loud than crouched in fear. I am sure you will be just fine, warlords and pirates and all :)

  • Renee Says:
    October 24th, 2010 at 4:22 pm

    I teach public speaking, you know… and communication apprehension is one of the biggest and most difficult fears to conquer. It's all about channeling the anxiety into positive energy!! The one truth about public speaking, though, is that no one else can tell how nervous you are.

  • Kristine Says:
    October 25th, 2010 at 8:53 am

    I am so afraid of being judged that an item on my life list is to walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. That's it! It sounds so simple but, oh, it is impossible for me to do.

    Back in university I would get anxiety for months before I had to present a paper. It was completely unhealthy. I haven't spoken in public since I graduated and I think my fears are even stronger now.

    I wish I had some advice for you but all I have is a buket full of empathy. Spiders? Meh. Heights? No problem. Speaking in front of a crowd? Um, no thanks?

  • Lindsey Says:
    October 26th, 2010 at 9:50 am

    Yeah – in school when we were in the first week and our final assignment was a presentation, I immediately started to dread the class. Yeeesh.

    The funny thing is, no one really cares, it's all in our heads. Like if you just walked up to a random person and introduced yourself, the worst that would happen is they would walk away and be all "wtf, who was that?" which really isn't that big of a deal.

    Baby steps. Smile at strangers and look 'em direct in the eye. It's freaky, but good for the confidence!

  • Lindsey Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 10:00 am

    I like to think of what makes me a good server – personality, quick thinking, ability to talk to just about anyone – and try to fit that into my future goals. Despite how annoying waitressing gets after a while, it really is a good way to learn about yourself and other people. I always figure my experiences will help me in the future. But it doesn't make me feel any better when I realize the only reason I'm still doing it is to avoid something I'm afraid of…

    The thing about waitressing is you CAN make a living traveling. Because no matter where you go, you can usually find a serving job. That's how I lived a million places in the US. There are much better things out there, but I'm just sayin…

  • Lindsey Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Oh, I think they can tell for me, because I'm uber dramatic :)
    I like that though – next time I'm on stage I'll channel my anxiety! Actually, anytime I'm dealing with anxiety, I've gotta remember to channel it into that positivity.

  • Lindsey Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 10:03 am

    And even though pirates are a real threat, I can't help but envisioning Johnny Depp being the pirate I run into and I am pretty okay with that… ha!

  • Lindsey Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 10:04 am

    yay :) and what is so scary about stumbling, really? These fears… they are so silly! Yet so frustrating!

  • Lindsey Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 10:07 am

    I have heard of Toastmasters, actually, and I planned to join when I was a "real" employee and that just never happened. Maybe one day when I'm in a city again…

    That is so awesome for you, congratulations on making the leap! Teaching english will be a grand adventure, and a real "So There!" to that old fear.

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