Hello. My name is Alisha and I’m a (Recovering) Perfectionist.

posted 29th October 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: Alisha, All Posts, Inspiration, Life Lesson, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, Tips & Tools, What I've Learned

I might be the poster child for Perfectionism.  I was that Straight-A kid whose worst crime between the ages of 0 and 18 was rolling up my shorts in the 4th grade.  No really, I didn’t even go to a party in high school.  Remember that suicide attempt when I was 14?  What pushed me over the edge was the D in Geometry that appeared on my mid-term report card.  I was then convinced that I would never get into Harvard and that my perfect dreams of a perfect life had come to a crashing end.  Whenever I did something, I wanted to do it with finesse.  I wanted to impress.  I had to be perfect.

I’m quite certain that Perfectionism is closely tied to Control.  I moved around a lot as a child and it wasn’t always my choice.  Even though I tell people that it was a good experience (I saw many different types of people and places) my nomadic childhood definitely played a part in my need to control everything in my life.  I don’t play risky games.  In fact, I refuse to bowl because I’m afraid I’ll suck at it.  I know it sounds ridiculous and I wish it weren’t true.

When I had children, I fully intended on keeping my Perfectionist ways.  I wanted to be the perfect mom: the cleaner, the baker, the expert diaper changer and awesome play date host with the happiest children on the block.  I wanted to stick to my regular cleaning schedule:  vacuuming three times a day and scrubbing toilets twice a week.  Yeah.  Right.  Now when “Perfectionist Alisha” tries to come out (which is still way too often), I have some arsenal on hand.  Here are my four ways to combat Perfectionism.

Affirmations.   I write them, sometimes two or three times, at then end of my morning pages every day.  They are uplifting and get my mind and heart on track.  They are my battle cry.  They are the mantras that help guide my choices and thoughts throughout the day.

Journaling.  Sometimes I just have to write it out.  The root of (my) Perfectionism is fear—the fear of not being in control, the fear of not being loved.  When I write down all of the thoughts that are haunting me, I am better able to identify the true source of those feelings and beat them down.  Then I feel empowered—and in control.

Glory Board.  I originally got this idea from Danielle LaPorte of WhiteHotTruth.com.  She suggests that you write down anything and everything you have accomplished in your life that made you feel really great.  Then my creative coach, Rachel, helped me turn this into a daily activity.  At the end of the day, instead of focusing on everything that went wrong (or was imperfect), I focus on everything that went right.  It is much easier to sleep when you feel like you conquered your day.

Call a good friend or find some on Twitter.  I have a few good friends who always have encouraging words; they help me find the silver lining, see the big picture and tell me when to suck it up and when to let go.  Twitter is also my new favorite hangout spot.  I have been fortunate enough to befriend some really amazing and supportive people.  I know I can always depend on my Twitter family.

Over the last few years, this is what I have learned: Perfectionism is fear.  Fear that love is conditional.  I learned that a Perfectionist is fake.  A Perfectionist is lonely.  A Perfectionist is a tortured soul.  A Perfectionist is boring.  A Perfectionist is perpetually exhausted.  A Perfectionist will never be happy.

I’ll always be a recovering Perfectionist.  But as each day passes, I remind myself that life doesn’t always go as planned. I remember that I will never be perfect—because it’s not possible.  Will I always try to be the best version of me I can possible be?  Of course.  There’s nothing wrong with my wanting to be a walking bowl of awesome-sauce.  I just no longer fool myself into thinking I will always walk a straight line.

(photo: Etsy art by cREaTebyRET found via Michelle Ward)

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Comments (16)

16 Responses to “Hello. My name is Alisha and I’m a (Recovering) Perfectionist.”

  • Erica Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 8:08 am

    Beautiful. Thank you.

  • Manderz Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 8:40 am

    "A Perfectionist will never be happy." It's something I've always known about my own tendencies, and yet It's never really hit me. Until now.

  • thisbrokenhearthashope Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Thank you for writing this! It hits home as I've been really digging deep into my life lately too. I'm a perfectionist, a planner, a controller, and a lover orf routines. I'm trying to figure out a way to let some of that go so I can just live life. Your post is inspiring! Also, I don't like to play most games (including bowling) for fear that I'll be bad at them!! :-)

  • Heather Rae Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 9:55 am

    This is beautiful…thank you for writing this. I can relate to being a perfectionist and trying to get over that 'always needs to be in control' part of myself. It's SO hard sometimes. But when I let go, life is just better. And so that's what I'm trying to do these days. Thanks for the reminder! :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 10:02 am

    I LOVE your four ways to combat perfectionism. LOVE that your mantras are your "battle-cry." LOVE the idea of a Glory Board. LOVE. And, girl, you ARE a walking bowl of awesome-sauce, no matter if you're "perfect" or not. So shake it!

  • Doniree Says:
    October 30th, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    Your advice to journal and write affirmations comes at a perfect time. I do this a couple of times each week, but really want to make it a daily commitment. Thanks for sharing your arsenal – you're a beautiful woman!

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 11:42 am

    I adore everything in your arsenal. It's wonderful to hear that I am not alone in loving that feeling I get after writing out what scares me. Keep it up. You are wonderful and strong. Fear has no chance against all that beauty.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Thank you. And you're welcome :0

  • Alisha Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 8:32 pm

    Glad it did. It's something that I never really "got" until these past couple of months; it was quite a realization. I hope you're well on the road to recovery :)

  • Alisha Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 8:34 pm

    Haha!! Glad I'm not the only one who doesn't bowl for the same reason–I don't feel so nuts anymore :) I really do think there is a way to balance it all out. I still need routine, but I no longer beat myself up about it if every little step doesn't go as planned. Letting go of control is hard…it really is, but it's also very freeing.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 8:36 pm

    You're welcome! It is definitely hard to let go of those parts that are so ingrained in us. What is helping me is really understanding why I feel the need to control. And once I can see what the real issue is, I feel much more at ease–it may not always be easy to accept, but I always feel better.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    Awww thanks, Nikki! I'm finally learning to love all my imperfections :)

  • Alisha Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 8:38 pm

    Thank you, Doniree. I am a huge advocate for journaling. Getting all those thoughts out–the good and the bad–is therapeutic.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 8:40 pm

    Thank you, Erin. And no, you are not alone. I always feel so much more free after writing down all those scary thoughts, don't you?

  • Nancy Says:
    December 18th, 2010 at 8:22 am

    Thank you! This is a great post!

  • Perfectionism: Part Deux « the mighty pillow Says:
    January 17th, 2011 at 11:03 am

    [...] Alicia, a (recovering) perfectionist on Stratejoy.com, uses the following tactics to bring her back to reality when her perfectionism flares up: ★Affirmations - I write them, sometimes two or three times, at then end of my morning pages every day.  They are uplifting and get my mind and heart on track. They are my battle cry.  They are the mantras that help guide my choices and thoughts throughout the day. ★Journaling - Sometimes I just have to write it out.  The root of (my) Perfectionism is fear—the fear of not being in control, the fear of not being loved.  When I write down all of the thoughts that are haunting me, I am better able to identify the true source of those feelings and beat them down.  Then I feel empowered—and in control. ★Glory Board - I originally got this idea from Danielle LaPorte of WhiteHotTruth.com.  She suggests that you write down anything and everything you have accomplished in your life that made you feel really great.  Then my creative coach, Rachel, helped me turn this into a daily activity.  At the end of the day, instead of focusing on everything that went wrong (or was imperfect), I focus on everything that went right.  It is much easier to sleep when you feel like you conquered your day. ★Call a good friend or find some on Twitter - I have a few good friends who always have encouraging words; they help me find the silver lining, see the big picture and tell me when to suck it up and when to let go.  Twitter is also my new favorite hangout spot.  I have been fortunate enough to befriend some really amazing and supportive people.  I know I can always depend on my Twitter family. [...]

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