How to Make Friends in New Situations

posted 16th October 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: All Posts, Life Lesson, Renee, Season 3, What I've Learned

I have quite a bit of experience making new friends in new situations. I’ve changed jobs quite a few times. I’ve moved a few times. And I thrive on chit-chat and learning about people. I want to feel included, to feel liked, and to enjoy the casual company of others. It can be a daunting task, figuring out how to make friends, especially if you’re the new girl. I can remember staying up the night before my graduate orientation, terrified that I’d be lonely, that I wouldn’t fit in, that I wouldn’t relate, that I would make zero friends, and convinced the next two years of my Masters program would be akin to solitary confinement. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Since beginning my graduate program, I’ve surrounded myself with brilliant, beautiful, inspiring, gutsy people from all different walks of life. I never expected it but the friends I’ve made so far have given me a pleasant surprise.

So, having been the awkward girl who now happens to have a pretty solid group of grad school colleagues, I thought I’d share some of the things I’ve learned from this specific experience. I’ve identified some of the key components that take the edge off of how to make new friends. These are the things I needed to convey and the things that I look for in friends.

Warmth — Have you ever met those people who don’t look you in the eye, who don’t smile, who seem uptight and stiff? If you’re not willing to shine, or even glimmer, would you expect anyone to make the effort to warm up to you? Probably not. Always be warm, be your radiant, amazing self to everyone you meet. I’ve found that when you are warm to others, you’ll receive warmth in return. A smile or encouraging remark can lift anyone’s spirit.

Honesty — Exhibit an honest, authentic representation of yourself. Put your crazy out there. If your religion or politics or opinions on something are incredibly important to you, why not wear that on your sleeve? When I meet someone new and if I develop a friend crush on them, chances are I’m going to lay it all out there. This is me, this is who I am, this is what drives me, and if you can accept that, I will accept your crazy. It evens out the playing field and encourages authentic relationships.

Humor — I use humor as an icebreaker. This works mostly because I make jokes when I’m nervous. Being socially awkward, I’m nervous any time I’m forced in a situation that involves New People. So I bust out my inner Tina Fey. Similarly, I’m drawn to people who make me laugh; people who use silly voice, who gesticulate wildly, who can deliver a story with such enthusiasm that it feels like we experienced it together. These are magnetic people and I strive to be on the same playing field.

Listening — Something I learned the hard way: You can’t expect someone to listen to you babble on about your wacky dream last night or your frustrations with a classmate unless you do the same for them. Active listening takes work. Don’t look at the computer screen while you’re listening, don’t pick at your nails, don’t interrupt. Friendship is a give and take. Be listened to and listen. (This is advice for myself, mostly, as I can be super bad at this!)

Sharing — Share stories.  Share office supplies.  Share brownies.  Sharing your resources is one of the best ways I’ve found to make a compassionate connection and new friends. Food is probably the most well-recepted, especially if you’re a great baker. The people flock to muffins… if you bake it, they will come.

So there you have it, the five things to keep in mind when entering new territory and yearning for friends. I still struggle with it. I still think to myself some days, “Okay. Don’t speak up about such-and-such again because you’re starting to sound annoying.” But that’s all part of the learning process. I’ve discovered if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll develop honest friendships. And that’s a beautiful thing.

{photo: Erica Marshall of muddyboots.org}

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Comments (4)

4 Responses to “How to Make Friends in New Situations”

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 16th, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Yes, yes, yes, and more YES! People underestimate the power of warmth, but it's one of the things that makes it easier to enjoy life! Seriously, if I can just stick to my inner optimist, compassionate self it is so much easier to connect with people. And I'm naturally warm, so it's totally authentic when I hug new friends, smile at strangers and invite you to come out with me.

    Listening also key. And not taking yourself too seriously!

  • Lindsey Says:
    October 16th, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Awesome post, Renee! I struggle with the same feelings of discomfort when it comes to building new relationships, but it's so true – just be warm and honest and open and that's all you need. Glad to hear things are going well with your school :)

  • Alisha Says:
    October 17th, 2010 at 12:53 pm

    This is great! I am working on trying to build new friendships (got 2 email addresses in one week!!). You would think that by now, I would have gotten the hang of it…but I feel awkward. I guess I still need to work on being comfortable in my own skin. But if I am just myself, that will work too. Thanks for these reminders.

  • amysjoy Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 7:57 am

    This is awesome, but my problem is that I don't know WHERE to find all these potential new friends! My Master's program is all online, so I don't get any face to face time with classmates or teachers, and I'm kind of at a loss as to how to meet people without that forced togetherness, you know?

    I have LOTS of excuses for not making new friends and meeting new people, but I guess it probably comes down to the fact that I need to just put myself out there more.

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