Love & The Single Girl

posted 6th October 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: All Posts, Love/Relationships, Nikki, Season 3, What I've Learned

I’m still figuring out what love means to me.  I’ve only been in love once; it was young, my first, and – not to take anything away from it; it was real and it held strong for years – I don’t know what it takes to have mature, marriage-worthy love.

I almost wrote about that first love, fleshed out the whole story and all its lessons, but then I realized that’s the past.  That’s affected my thoughts on love, but that’s not who I am now.

Now, I’m a single girl, about to turn 30 as she watches all her friends get married and have babies. It’s a weird, in-between place to be, but it’s not a bad place.  Despite what most movies and parents that want grandbabies and our recently married friends may tell us, ladies, it’s ok to be single, it’s ok to not want things in the standard time frame and no, we’re not old maids.

And by the way, I am so sick of movies and books portraying any woman single over 25 as being a workaholic in a high-paying glamorous job, as though a job and a relationship are the only things that validate a person and if by that age you don’t want babies, well, you must be career-obsessed.  Get with it, Hollywood; show me some real women who can’t be summed up in two words.  Can I get an Amen!?

Although I’ll admit, sometimes I let it get to me and I do feel like an old maid; that has definitely been a factor in my QLC.  When I’m a third or fifth or seventh wheel in a mob of couples, I freak out a little bit that I’ll end up alone, working a crappy job in a crappy apartment after a long string of sad endings, friends shaking their head in pity while I dress my cats like kids and wait desperately in bars.  God, please, no.

So there’s a polar division in me; as I stand in the pews or proudly in a bridesmaid dress, beaming on friends upon friends taking vows, I feel two opposite truths:  I want to get married.  I’m so glad I’m not getting married.

From my past relationships, I’ve learned the art of missing, the beauty of companionship, and how to know when it’s not right.  I’ve jumped in over my head and I’ve waded, waiting, cautious.  I’ve learned to recognize what’s not good for me and what my deal-breakers are.  All of those relationships have ended, and that’s a good thing.

I was never the little girl planning her wedding; it never even occurred to me to think about it until the past couple years, when I was suddenly snowed in with save the dates and RSVP cards.  Complaining to my mom (oh I’ll admit, I have my moments of weakness – “Whyyyy is everyone getting maaaaarrrriiiieeed???  I’m soooo left ouuuuut!!), she snapped me back to reality:  “Nikki, if what you wanted was to be married, you’d be married by now.”  Touche, momma, touche.

It’s not marriage I’m looking for, it’s a love that makes me believe in marriage.

I’m not jealous of people getting married; I don’t look with envy at the glinting diamonds or the fluffy white dresses.  But when I see my friends – of both sexes – that are excited about getting married, who, after years together, are giggling with joy, no nerves only giddy tears, as they vow forever, that sparks a wonder and a pang of selfish sadness in me.

They know who they are and have found the person who balances them.  I know not everyone who gets married is that self-aware or perfectly matched, but these friends I’m talking about are; they’ve gone into it with eyes open.  They see the challenges ahead and believe it’s worth it.  Forever is a long time, and they’d rather spend it together than anywhere else.

And you know what?  Until I have that, I’m OK with never being married.  In fact, I’ve decided if I’ve never been married by 40, I’m throwing myself a huge damn party with all my friends and family (because, really, when else in your life but your wedding do you get everyone you love in the same room?) and I’m even going to register for gifts.  All right, maybe I stole that a little from Carrie Bradshaw, but…  :)

Also, until then, I am so grateful for and contented with all the other forms of love I DO have in my life. The friends that I know I’ll have forever.  I’d vow on that.  My family, cheering me on no matter how far from them life takes me.  My love for travel: the thrill of the new, independence, and exploration not just of place but of self, and my love for performance: the thrill of collaboration, creating a show like giving birth – painful, joyous and alive.  My love of Thai coconut chicken soup (my mouth waters at the thought!) and Ben Gibbard from Death Cab for Cutie (talent crush to the max!) and the feeling of the wind singing in my hair as I bicycle down a hill (sqwoooooosh!!).

But the most important love I’ve found is the love I have for myself.  Slightly cheesy but deeply true.

I like my own company.  I’m not actually lonely at all.  Yes, it’d be nice to find a great big Love, but I don’t need it to be happy.  I love who I am, and who I am is, partially, a product of all those “failed” relationships; I don’t regret any decisions I’ve made.  I don’t have the high-powered job and I don’t have the guy, but, damnit, I’m ok with that.  I am just fine.

Although, if I ever do start dressing up cats and calling them my kids, please stage an intervention.

My dad said to me once, after I told him I’d broken up with my most recent boyfriend-ish guy, “you’re so lucky to have had all these experiences.  You will be more ready than most for a forever relationship, when you find it.”  I think he’s right.

To all the single ladies out there who aren’t waiting for some guy to “put a ring on it,” I say rejoice with me.  We are sure of ourselves, of what we want and who we are, and we will not buckle under societal pressures.  We will be thrilled for our friends that chose different lives from our own, and we will be confident in ourselves; we will trust that we are exactly where we need to be, right here, right now.  Now put your hands up!  Whoa woh woh oh oh oh…

{collage by marie-II)

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Comments (37)

37 Responses to “Love & The Single Girl”

  • Cristina Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 8:12 am

    Nikki,

    Thank you SO MUCH for writing this! I am in the same boat and I can totally relate to what you're going through. I'm 25 but it's still so hard at times thinking about this topic…You are my hero today! :)

  • Ginny Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 8:32 am

    Right on. Single is not bad. I'd rather be single and wait until I know I'm with the right person. And as for now I'm 26, single and living it up!

  • Just Me Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 8:52 am

    I love this post. It's so true.

    Especially your line "It’s not marriage I’m looking for, it’s a love that makes me believe in marriage." I completely, completely agree.

    Although the other night, had my FIRST marriage dream. Which means my body might actually be ready…should Mr. Wonderful arrive.

  • Melissa Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 9:05 am

    I think this is a great post. It coincides well with a book I began reading the other day – The New Single Woman. Definitely a recommended reading.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Single is not bad. You are so young and there really is no rush. Your father is right; having had all these experiences will just make you more prepared. Even though I love my husband and the family we've created, I do wish I had spent more time single and dating, figuring out who I really was so that I could be a better partner.

  • Ewiley Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Yes! Thanks for putting singledom (in the face of so many unsingle people) in perspective.

  • Kim Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 9:58 am

    All I have to say is HERE HERE!! It's funny, I wrote a blog post about this very subject just yesterday!

  • Camila Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 11:41 am

    Amen! I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one who didn't plan their wedding as a little girl. Love is important, but like you I completely agree with being grateful for the other sources of love in my life and all the incredible people that enter into my little bubble of being.

  • Danielle Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 11:51 am

    Thanks for writing this! I completely agree. Most days, I like being single and it's good to hear someone else feels the same way!

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    I completely believe that if you don't love yourself, you can't really love anyone else. Self-love is the most beautiful and difficult form of love. While I'm not a "single girl", I was purposely single for years following college. I knew I had boyfriends..and girlfriends…in college that treated me poorly. I know it wasn't my fault, but the way I was treated was partially because I let people walk all over me. Those single years, learning to love myself were probably the greatest thing I ever did for myself.

  • Emily Says:
    October 6th, 2010 at 5:32 pm

    I think I am in love with every word in this post. Thank you so for so eloquently putting into words what can be sometimes so difficult to explain. I'm bookmarking this so I can come back and read it in the moments when I, too, am complaining "“Whyyyy is everyone getting maaaaarrrriiiieeed???" Love it!

  • CharityAyn Says:
    October 7th, 2010 at 8:34 am

    Thank you for writing this. I've actually been through the failed marriage–before 30, even–and I think what it's really done is make me learn that it's okay to be single, okay to not be lonely and just enjoy my life and myself, and definitely made me more sure of just what I'd like to find in that forever love, someday. And it's okay to wait to be really sure…even if 35 is headed my way a little too quickly. lol

  • Lindsey Says:
    October 7th, 2010 at 10:25 am

    The opposite truths strike again. Conflicting feelings of "I want." or "No, I don't want!" in regards to relationships, real love relationships, have me reeling sometimes. Like you say, loving yourself first, and really understanding yourself, is so important.

    This is an amazing post: http://www.fluentself.com/blog/stuff/bolivia/

  • Jackie F. Says:
    October 7th, 2010 at 5:27 pm

    Nikki, you've made me feel so great about being single! This is exactly how I feel about things (when I'm not letting doubt get to me from time to time). Here's to waiting for the right person – the right partner-in-lfe. :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Thanks Cristina! It's not an age thing, it's a girl thing & when it hits, it hits hard. Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves how great our lives are… alone. :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 11:52 am

    Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it; I don't think singles and marrieds are on opposing teams ;) I think sometimes everyone needs a reminder that love takes many forms.
    PS – That is an amazing article. Oh, I love him even so much more now!! You lucky lady, Zoe! (shaking my fist) Thank you for sharing; he touched on so many things I'm feeling & haven't quite found the words for yet.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 11:53 am

    Cheers to that!! *clink!*

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 11:53 am

    I'll have to check that out; thanks!!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Thanks, hot momma! And you're figuring it out now, with a support system, and that's a beautiful thing too.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 11:56 am

    I needed to put it in perspective for myself, so I'm glad you got a new outlook from it too. :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 11:57 am

    Really? I'd love to read it – what's your blog?

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 11:59 am

    Haha! Yup, the first time a friend of mine talked about what she wanted for her wedding – when she was completely single – I think I looked at her like she had 3 heads. It's so easy to get focused on romantic love & marriage as an end goal, that we often forget how many other sources of love are in our lives. We are blessed, girl!!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Yahoo!! We have decades to settle down, let's not rush it, right? :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    Absolutely. A person cannot enter into a healthy relationship without a healthy love of and respect for themselves. It's an ongoing process – I always will battle self-doubt and my little gremlins – but the reward is well worth the battle. I'm definitely taking the time to treat myself the way I want to be treated, and I'm glad you gave yourself that time too.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 12:06 pm

    Aww thank you!!! It is SO freaking easy to look at everyone in relationships and think they've got all this love and I have none – but it's SO freaking important to remind yourself how much bullshit that is! :D We are loved, girl; love yourself and don't forget it!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Good for you!!! I can't even imagine how tough divorce must've been, but right on, girl, for learning from it and allowing it to make you stronger! Age is irrelevant; we've got long, amazing, love-filled lives ahead of us. :) Thanks for sharing your inspiring story!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Wow. I ADORE that post. Abso-freaking-lutely right on. Thank you so much for sharing.
    Yeah, love sends us reeling, whether it's from having it or not having it. Funny how that is. :) But to love yourself is the most fulfilling sort of love, one that will never break your heart or leave you lonely, as you well understand. xx

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 8th, 2010 at 12:24 pm

    Right on!! :D

  • abhayes Says:
    October 9th, 2010 at 12:21 am

    I'm pretty proud at how many people you are touching with these posts, my special friend! And thai cocunut chicken soup is the best….sometimes I miss Surin West so much it hurts! love you!

  • Cristina Says:
    October 9th, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    This is true! All the best to you! :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 10th, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    I miss Surin too – can you have it at your wedding??? Puh-leeeeze?? :) love you too! xx

  • Laura Says:
    October 11th, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Thanks so much for sharing these words! It is wonderful to be able to relate to other single women in a positive way about our independent love-seeking lives. :) I feel like something amazing happens as a woman when you have the time to come face to face with yourself alone, grasp and accept your identity and then choose to face the world without that "love that makes you believe in marriage" with joy and pride rather than bitterness, self-pity and jealousy!!! There is a beautiful and powerful freedom in this experience and sometimes I forget that others are in the same place. Inspire on girl. :)

  • Carol Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 7:31 am

    Love, love, LOVE this post, Nikki! I am a 31 year old single lady, loving life, the people in it and loving my freedom of choice!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 9th, 2010 at 10:58 am

    That's a lovely way to put it! We are complete people on our own, whether or not we ever find someone we want to share our whole lives with, and in that "beautiful and powerful freedom" we've found joy and acceptance of who we really are. I forget that others are in the same place, too, so thank you for reminding me!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 9th, 2010 at 11:01 am

    YAY!! We are choosing our best lives and living them with joy and love! High five, awesome gal!

  • maury Says:
    February 22nd, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    i totally agree. Its comforting to know that i am not alone or a freak. i am 26 single and love every day of my life

  • Sarah Says:
    September 20th, 2011 at 6:20 am

    AAAaammen! haha Wow you speak the words right from my heart! I am definitely at a quater life crisis, I am unemployed, job searching (well just said no to a financially great but soul-killing job) , about a year out of my last relationship, and even just refused an opportunity for a research grant I wasn't interested in…..this time has allowed me to truly reconnect and love myself and realize how important that is and how important it is to follow your heart ("you must first empty your cup before it can be filled"-buddhist saying), its amazing because in some ways I feel richer now, as an unemployed single woman living with her parents with almost $0, than when I had a boyfriend, tons of activities and was living with my friends-all which I honestly enjoyed- but I realized loving yourself truly needs to come first. Our culture often does not validate self-love especially as you said in popular media. Thank you for validating self-love and for your upbeat inspiration!!

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