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Unsettled, Unmapped, Uncertain

posted 27th October 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Job/Career/Work, Nikki, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3

Los Angeles is moody and so am I.

The clouds are hanging low over LA today with a fog (or is it smog?) blanketing the mountains that just won’t lift.  It’s cold and drizzly and it suits me fine.  I’m not in a bad mood, I’m just in a mood; I’m a little bit quiet, a little bit sulky, a little bit heavy.  Not really unhappy, just pensive.

I have a lot to think about, a lot of decisions to make; every person I talk to since I got back from my all-you-can-jet adventure has asked, “what’s next?  Where are you moving?  What’s your goal?  What job are you looking for?”  And all I can say is “I don’t know.”  I.  DON’T.  KNOW.

Somewhere deep inside me, I know it’s OK that I don’t know what’s next.  Deep in the core of me, I am trusting that things will come into place and that I’ll find the answers in my own time and that where I am now is where I need to be now.

That’s all very zen of me, very positive and inspiring and blah blah blah.  But my brain is FREAKING OUT, people.

For the first time in my life, I have credit card debt, I’m unemployed and directionless.  Nothing, absolutely nothing is calling my name, making me feel any passion whatsoever.  The thought of acting makes me feel frustrated and tired, moving is overwhelming, travel reminds me of my empty bank account, and a “grown-up job” gives me dread-filled heartburn.

Honestly, the only thing that inspires me at all lately is writing for you.

Yes, I realize this is uncharacteristically negative of me.  I’m not depressed, really I’m not, but every time someone asks me the well-intentioned questions of “what do you do” or “what’s your plan now,” I feel like I’ve been given a final exam that’s 90% of my grade, and despite all my hours of studying, I’m drawing a complete blank.  Just like in a nightmare of the same nature, all my fears are magnified.

I’m scared of staying in Los Angeles and getting wrapped back up in thought patterns that make me miserable.

I’m scared that moving somewhere is just running away and won’t actually change anything.

I’m scared of putting my whole self into something (a career, a relationship) and having it fail, end, scar me again.

I’m scared of never even finding anything worth putting my whole self into again.

I’m scared of looking back with regret.

I’m scared of being broke, of getting sick without health insurance, of always struggling.

I’m scared of wasting my life.

I’m scared of always being alone.

I’m scared of being unfulfilled and uninspired, and boxing myself in.

I’m angry with myself for not being able to let these fears go.  I have had a truly remarkable year, and yet when these feelings take over, it’s as though everything amazing I’ve done means shit.  All I can see is what I don’t have.

It’s a struggle to let go and trust.  It goes against everything I’ve ever been taught as an AP Honor Roll student and good kid and responsible adult.  It’s hard when people ask what’s next, expecting a plan of action, and all I can say is, “we’ll see.”  It sounds exciting, I know, and I feel like it should be, and sometimes it is, but more often it’s just this weird state of limbo and waiting.

Am I expecting too much?  Am I being too passive?  Is this trusting patience or is it suspended animation?

I feel like I should (there’s that “S” word again) be taking action, making something, anything happen.  Like I’m being unforgivably wasteful with this time I’ve been given.  But I’m afraid of taking action in the wrong direction when I don’t feel strongly in any direction.

And then sometimes I have this creeping feeling that something absolutely friggin’ AMAZING is just around the corner and this period of inactivity is a break I should savor because the shit (the good shit) is about to hit the fan.

My parents gave me a sculpture by my favorite artist, Brian Andreas, when I graduated High School.  It is an angel, it hangs above my bed, and written on it is: “In my dreams, the angel shrugged and said, if we fail this time it will be a failure of imagination & then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand.”  It has always really inspired me but lately it feels like a warning.

The world is in my palm, and it’s terrifying.  Imagination don’t fail me now.

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Halfway

posted 26th October 2010    Written by: Doniree    CATEGORY: Doniree, Inspiration, Job/Career/Work, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

half moonI asked Chelsea what came to mind when I said the word “halfway” or “half,” seeing as we’re now halfway through this third guest blogging season here at Stratejoy.  Her response?

“House?”

Ok… so maybe that’s not the idea I was going for.  I was thinking halfway points, halftime shows, even Halfway, Oregon (yes, that’s really a city – I checked).  But halfway?  As in, I’ve written half the amount of posts I’ll write here this season?  That’s exciting and a little sad – I don’t want it to end!

Chelsea and I started ruminating a bit on the general idea of “halfway,” and she suggested that the existence of a halfway point signifies an end – which, in the case of my contributions to this blog – there is an end.  We’ve committed to so many weeks and that has a number and we’re halfway to that number.  But, in general – in life - we’re in a constant state of movement, moving forward, transition even.  Yeah, there’s technically an “end date” (morbid, yeah), but we don’t know it and so “halfway” is kind of arbitrary in the great big scheme of things.

However, when there is an end date or time, or a goal with numbers and steps that can be defined – halfway is kind of a big deal.  Halfway through my workout motivates me to keep working, to push a little harder until I reach my goal.  Halfway through a task on my to-do list ramps me up and makes me want to just blaze through the rest.  It’s motivating.  It’s exciting.

In this case, it’s crazy.  Really?!  Halfway?!  It’s motivating and energizing yes, but I don’t want it to end!

Blogging for Stratejoy this season has been an incredible commitment and experience.  Commitment, yes because even when I’m not keeping up with my own blog, I’ve committed to being here and showing up for you.  And I’ve loved to share my stories and hear from amazing new voices and hearts that have offered some really awesome insight along the way.  It’s been awesome to have a writing commitment that’s focused (we have topics! and deadlines!), but that’s personal.  It’s wonderful to share my stories and find so many kindred spirits who relate to thoughts and ideas I’ve shared.

So… halfway through, let me just say THANK YOU for listening and for showing up here with me.  I’m excited for the second half, the next part, and for learning more about myself along the way.  We’ve covered a lot in the first half, haven’t we?

I mean, we met way back in August and I talked about the overwhelming confusion that comes with realizing I could actually have and do anything I wanted… so then what was I supposed to do?  Hello, Quarter-Life Crisis.

It’s helpful to have a little background, so I spent the next couple of weeks talking about my history with ad agencies and media buying, move to freelancing and contract work, and my move across the country from Minnesota to Colorado.

Digging a little deeper, I talked about how I fell in love when I wasn’t expecting to and how I believe that relationships in our life are on a collision course – we find who we need when we need them, right?  Honestly, this was one of my favorite posts so far this season.

I explained how my background in homeschooling helped teach me to teach myself and be one of those self-starter kind of people that – as a freelancer – not only appreciates being able to work on her own schedule, but is learning that the same model in school of “work til you’re done” holds true in the working world.  That lesson was born out of learning that when you can work anytime, it’s sometimes easy to work all the time and I finally started to explore finding that balance.

I talked about debt and money issues and how our tastes and interests change over time, covered friendships and the rituals that surround those, and talked about brilliant joy and its presence in my life.  More recently, I talked about fear and subsequently what might happen when you throw that fear out the window.

Today, I’m reflecting.  Looking back at how much I’ve shared and excited about the second half – about peeling back another layer and moving forward.  Halfway.  Can you believe that?

I’m just curious… what’s been your favorite post so far?  What else do you want to know about me?  What can I keep in mind moving forward into the second half of this season?


{photo credit}

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Fearlessly Afraid, and Pretty Confused

posted 24th October 2010    Written by: Lindsey    CATEGORY: Life Lesson, Lindsey, Season 3, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

I am fearless when it comes to many things. Heights aren’t a big thing. While the imminent death of standing on a precipice usually gives me vertigo, I can usually suck it up for the cliff jumping experience.

Giant spiders might scare me if I hadn’t muted down the fear living in Hawaiian jungles. I once woke up with a spider the size of my hand in bed with me. When I scooted away, the spider disappeared into the dark corners of my bamboo cottage. I caught glimpses of him on the walls throughout the next few weeks, but I was okay with the monster spider in a way that made me chuckle to imagine most of my friends in this situation. (To their shrieks over daddy long legs: “You’re scared of THAT spider? Duuuuudddeee.”)

I might even call fear one of my pet peeves. Most of the stuff I end up doing is something that someone in my life is afraid of and very willing to share their fears with me.

The latest example is on the sailing front. I tell people I am going to crew on a sailboat and the general consensus is that I will definitely be raped and murdered by the captain, who most definitely is hiring crew only to achieve said rape and murder of innocent little me. And if that doesn’t happen, I will definitely be sold into sex slavery because the African warlords love American girls. And if not that, the pirates will rob us. And rape us.

Not exagerating at all, I have had to make up excuses for these very real fears that people have for me. The African warlords one was my favorite. Seriously? That is why you want me to give up this experience? Because there is a possibility (?!) of THAT?

I fell hard of my bike the other day. Riding home from yoga at eleven in the morning, making a too-quick turn and there I was sprawled on the pavement. I smashed a lot of things, but I avoided my head, thankfully.

An experience like that really woke me up though. Life is fragile. There is no time clock on my life. And I do, I really do want to live a long, luscious life of amazing awesomeness. But if I’m gonna bite the dust, I’d much rather do it living my life out loud, rather than holding back and living in fear. If I would have died on my bike, at 24, while living with my parents, I would have been pissed.

But while I can live my fearless life, I do have a BIG, very real fear:  public speaking.

And you can’t even DIE from this. Yet here I am, doing extreme sports but too afraid to speak into a microphone.

I talk a ton, and I usually find myself spouting stories off when in small groups of friends. But the second I need to make a remotely professional presentation that requires me to act intelligent and functional, I turn into a giggly, twitchy idiot who talks far too fast for anyone to gather anything besides the rampant nervousness woven into my unintelligible words. I avoid making presentations like the plague.

This leads into my fears that have me completely stuck right now. It’s more than public speaking, it’s putting myself out in front of people to be judged.

I’ve tossed around a bunch of different ideas for how I’d be able to independently make money and not have to be a waitress. But they all require me to step out of my comfort zone. I’ll need to put myself out there in the way that my instincts say “No, no, no thanks, nope.”

So I’m afraid. And I’m stuck. And I keep getting waitressing jobs instead of trying something because what if I fail OH NO the horror.

Suck it up, Lindsey.

That’s what I try to tell myself. But it’s so easy to stay afraid. It might take a little longer to stop…

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What is Family?

posted 23rd October 2010    Written by: Renee    CATEGORY: Family, Renee, Season 3

What do you think of when you hear the word “family”?

For most of you, you think of your own family. But which one? Your husband and kids? Your mom, dad, and siblings? Your aunts, uncles, and grandparents?

Do you have a big, boisterous family? Are holidays loud and overwhelming? Or is your unit in the lower digits? Is the time spent with them full of quiet conversation?

The word “family” is loaded for me. It holds multiple definitions. I am an only child. My parents divorced when I was 12. For a long time, it was just me and my mom. When someone would ask, “What’s your family like?” my only answer was, “Well, my mom’s cool.” Was I supposed to tell them about my aunts, uncles, and cousins? Did they want to know about the step-family I rarely see? Should I make up siblings or just talk about my cats?

Last week, my husband made a big decision. When we talked about, he pressed the importance of what is best for our family. And he didn’t mean his parents or my parents. He said, “My family is more important to me,” and he meant me (okay, and probably our cat). Even though it’s just the two of us, we are a unit. This was the first time I had though of our marriage this way. I don’t know why I had been unconsciously thinking, “When we have kids, we’ll be a family.” Why? I had been a two-person family for half of my life.

The truth is, I don’t understand the word “family.” I try to fit it into the box that defines it as a mommy, daddy, 2.5 kids, a dog, a cat and a yard with a picket fence.

…But it’s never been that way. And I don’t think I ever want it to look that way. My point is that no matter what your unit might be, as long as there are people in your life who support you, who include you in Big Decisions, who you care about, who cultivate love in your life… it doesn’t need to fit a definition. Family just is. And that’s what’s important.

{photo via Tomi Tapio}

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Five Things That Inspire Me

posted 22nd October 2010    Written by: Alisha    CATEGORY: All Posts, Creativity

Like a true artist, just about everything on Earth inspires me.  Sometimes the way a leaf falls from its limb takes my breath away.  A giggle brings tears to my eyes.  Each time I see the little anorexic girl that walks up and down the street, I write a new paragraph of her story.  But because I can’t write down every single little thing that gives me inspiration, I thought I would give you a little sampling.

The Dead Poets Society.  I first saw this movie when I was 14.  It made me fall even more in love with literature; inspired me to become an English teacher; introduced that powerful phrase: Carpe Diem.  “Seize the day.”  Professor Keating told me to “sound my barbaric yawp.”  He encouraged me to challenge the status quo.  (Even if I never actually followed his advice, I always held his words close to my heart.)  I am not a big fan of movies, but this is my favorite of all time.  (Oh–and Ethan Hawke is hot!)

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.  This book was instrumental in sparking my creativity.  Julia encouraged me to eschew convention, ignore the myth of the starving artist and write like there is no tomorrow.  If you ever doubted yourself as an artist, her words will fill you with inspiration; renew the desire to pursue your passion. Throughout my life I have gone through varioius phases of journaling, picking it up when my heart was heavy and then tossing the habit aside when I felt that life was too busy.  The Artist’s Way reintroduced me to the practice by way of the Morning Pages.  Three pages, each morning, of free writing.  I have recorded my dreams, relived some nightmares and had many epiphanies.  Cameron inspired me to return to my artist roots and I couldn’t be happier.

Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg.  If you want to write, I think you should read this book.  I picked it up after I became discouraged with the progress of my writing.  If you’re anything like me (a recovering perfectionist and self-doubter) then you spend a lot of time reading about how to be the best.  It seemed as though every blog, every expert had convinced me that I wasn’t good enough.  Goldberg told me that I am good enough; that being me is what makes my writing great.  I still consult Strunk and White , but now I write from the heart.

I love music, bleed it, am transformed by lyrics.  I mentioned once before how much I like love am obssessed with John Mayer.  I like almost every thing he has ever done, but there is one song that always lifts me up.  When I need that extra little boost, I listen to “Bigger Than my Body.”

“Some day I’ll fly, some day I’ll soar.  Some day I’ll be so damn much more.  ‘Cause I’m bigger than my body gives me credit for.”

It’s just a great reminder that we are greater than the limits we put on ourselves.  If you can dream, you can do it.

My children.  Right now, they are my biggest inspiration.  Their smiles inspire me to keep giving.  Their hugs inspire me to keep loving.  Their enthusiasm inspires me to keep living.  Though there are days that I wish I was single again, if it weren’t for those two, I wouldn’t be on this incredible journey.

(photo credit: starpulse.com)

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