The Feminist In Me Is A Romantic

posted 14th October 2010    Written by: Marian    CATEGORY: All Posts, Life Lesson, Love/Relationships, Marian, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3

Most of my identity is defined by feminism. I was raised by two feminists, concentrated in gender studies at school and spent a year writing my thesis on how and why college-aged women define themselves as feminists.

While I’m of the mindset that a feminist can be a stay-at-home-mom or a high-powered executive, I’ve always fallen into the category of “independent woman who isn’t sure if she wants to get married.” I despise engagement rings, preach about the sexism in romantic comedies and will occasionally blame “men” as if a penis defines fifty percent of our population.

Yet I’m also a Twihard. Dated one guy for seven years and have been with another for (sort of) three. I want lots and lots of babies. I like the occasional bouquet and cried like a baby during The Notebook. Deep down, the feminist in me is a romantic.

Looking back over the past year of my QLC, love has been the turning point of my life. Regardless of my “hardcore” feminist tendencies or inability to fuse those two sides of my personality, love is the entire reason I am where I am and I do what I do.

I’m not saying a feminist can’t move across the world for love – far from it. I think – I know – a feminist can do whatever the hell she wants. It’s her attitude towards women that matters (read this amazing post by my friend J. Maureen of Gen Meh). Still though, I guess I never thought I’d be the kind of girl who would do what I did. Drop everything. Fly across the Atlantic. Move in with a guy I hadn’t spent any real time with in over a year.

Needless to say, it was a big change. One I don’t regret for a single second.

I know everyone says this, but when we’re on our deathbeds are we going to remember the major career accomplishments or the relationships we made? The people we loved?

Love taught me what the Quarter Life Crisis is all about. What being authentic is all about. It also taught me “what really matters.”

What really mattered wasn’t my job or my geographical location or money or what everyone else was doing. What mattered was Sam. Realizing I was allowed to pick up and go simply because I was happier with him was the hardest realization of my life, but also the easiest decision to make.

While it’s always been a bit of a struggle to make peace between The Feminist in me and The Romantic, I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that I can be both. If I ever get married (Big “If”), I can do it without selling my soul. I don’t have to ever change my name. I can raise my sons and daughters in the way my parents raised me. There is no either or. No one or the other. The feminist in me is a romantic, and it’s finally okay by me.

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Comments (13)

13 Responses to “The Feminist In Me Is A Romantic”

  • Renee Says:
    October 14th, 2010 at 8:12 am

    As a feminist with similar upbringing (gender studies BA!) but I also married fairly young (23). However, my husband's pickup line was, "I'm SUCH a feminist." To me, feminism is all about choice and what choices are best for women. For me, the best choice was to get married to another feminist because really, all you need is love.
    Great post, Marian. xoxo

  • Clare Says:
    October 14th, 2010 at 8:26 am

    For me, I hate labels because labels come with expectations, and those expectations can be incredibly hard to break through, especially when you identify with seemingly contradictory labels & expectations. However, it looks like you're doing a stellar job making peace between them.

    I experienced similar conflicts when planning my wedding (I got married last Saturday!!!) because I am torn between similar traditional and modern 'labels.' It was a struggle dealing with people's expectations on either side of the spectrum, and just saying no, I'm doing my own thing. But if you can survive it, you end up growing and learning and loving all the more. All the luck to you :)

  • Melissa Breau Says:
    October 14th, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    hey lady – I'm working up the courage to follow in your footsteps – trying to realize that it's okay to make changes in my own life that make me happier, even if it does appear to the outside world like I'm making those changes "for a guy." I want to see it in terms of what's right for "us" without it being about what's not good for "me" (especially when it will actually BE good for me).

    In the end, I think, it comes down to trust. Trusting yourself to know what's right. Trusting your partner to support you and be there for you. Trusting everyone else who love you to be understanding… and knowing if any of those trust-falls lands you on your butt, well, then they don't deserve you, because you're awesome.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 14th, 2010 at 3:59 pm

    Very cool. I think one of my biggest obstacles in my relationship life has been equating marriage to, well, death, really. Settling down feels like getting put down and the white picket fence looks like jail bars. But I've realized, recently, that it doesn't have to be that way – it's my life and I can make it any way I want it to be, married, committed or not. I respect you for taking such a leap of faith for love. xx

  • Dara Says:
    October 14th, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    The feminist in you is a romantic? Marian, we've talked about this. Please, PLEASE stop eating feminists!

  • xnb Says:
    October 14th, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    love it !!! But I made a choice that maybe will kill the romantic in me.. will see if at the end after going for the feminist choice I can keep the love in my life…

  • Rachel Rants Says:
    October 14th, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Oh the quest! I´ve been there… wait, still there. I find the feminist romantic is a unique breed of fabulous woman who balances the crazy of both worlds, with the occasional battle in between. As long as we are in the game, right? You live, you learn, you love, you laugh, and you occasionally pass gas. That´s my motto. ;)

  • marianschembari Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 2:15 am

    I tried, Dara, I really did…. They're just so damn tasty.

    And yes. I said that. THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! (Cuz, you know, "she" is a feminist and therefore a lesbian.)

  • misssiany Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    You two are going to be so happy in New Zealand. Or wherever else you end up. You guys belong together. xx

  • Carin S. Says:
    October 15th, 2010 at 2:50 pm

    It's funny – I never realized I was a feminist until I had to deal with a very sexist (female!) boss post-college but I am. Although I'd more likely describe myself as a humanist – I think all people should be treated equally whenever possible regardless of gender. But you're right – being a feminist means being able to do whatever you want, and I think you've been ballsy and gutsy in your decisions this past year, and I give you big kudos for that! You know in the long run, you'll regret the things you don't do much more than the things you do.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 17th, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    I love how you have interpreted feminism for yourself and your circumstances. I used to think of myself as one–and perhaps I still am–but deep down, I too am a true romantic. I had a hard time marrying those two definitions as well, but I agree with you: you can do whatever you want!

  • Wayne J Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 9:22 pm

    I'm a individualist feminist but i still can't get along with actual feminism. I'm 36 and have no mid life crisis. if i did, i would exercise it away…

  • Sandi Amorim Says:
    December 6th, 2010 at 10:39 am

    Brilliant! I'm in my 40's yet I can totally relate to your journey. I waited till I was 46 to get married, mostly because I couldn't reconcile marriage with the strong-independant-I-don't-need-anyone identity I had developed through the years. It's not been easy being a Mrs. but the challenge has been worth it. And no, I did not change my name ;-)

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