The Internet is Fake, Or Why You Should Just Get On With Your Own Awesome Life

posted 18th October 2010    Written by: Molly Mahar    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Life Lesson, Molly, Quarterlife Crisis

I’ve never believed that the internet actually reflects real life. Though I swear I do my best to be as real and honest as I can here (and encourage my bloggers to do the same!) it’s still carefully chosen phrasing, moments of gloom wrapped up into “lessons learned” posts, and lots and lots of undying enthusiasm.  I mean, really, why would I blog about the backache my period brings each month that almost takes me out of commission? Or the fact that I rarely wash my face before I go to bed because I’m basically too lazy? Or that my father once grounded me from life for leaving a spoon with peanut butter in the sink, instead of the dishwasher?

Those details, that much “honesty” has nothing to do with my business and my ability to help you live life on your own terms–so it remains unsaid…

Yet, that is life. My life. Messy, real, and full of daily challenges and moments of grace. Just like yours.

So, what’s my point today? Well, it’s something that’s been on my mind a lot, and something I think I may unwittingly promote, regardless of my true feelings.

Fact: The internet is a land of false extremes. It thrives on boxing you into one side or another- pushing you out of your comfort and into someone’s version of the perfect life. It survives by making you yearn to clearly be on “the right side” of options, in line with your heroes. Bloggers, product peddlers, life coaches, and all versions of inspirational speakers promote living on one side of an extreme, or another…

(Yes, I know it seems like I’m shooting myself in the foot.  Keep reading.)

See if this sounds familiar, sunshine…

Are you a domestic goddess, happily settled in into your adorably decorated apartment/house/cottage on the ocean, creating trinkets of love for Etsy, becoming an ace photographer, while also managing a lover, a full-time job, and the ability to appear completely precious in each and every photo ever taken of you? And you definitely love life and probably bake things too!

No?

Well, that’s okay! As long as you are an adventurer. You’re living a location independent life, blitzing on and off of your social media accounts with tales of new sights, new friends, new ways to make tons of money, while appearing never to work, right? Devoting yourself to minimalism, meditation, and inspirational quotes, while secretly obsessing about your online guru status and ways to avoid appearing conventional? No?

Still not familiar?

Try this one on for size. Perhaps you worship at the alter of corporate success… You climb the ladder with perfectly pulled together big girl outfits, glamming for networking photo booths, themed cocktail in hand, don’t you? No one knows much about your “real life” (even you!) as you make poster child appearances for your company and their brand- a virtual social butterfly, slavishly devoted to your paycheck as means to new handbags, fancy vacations, and high end yoga studios. The good life? It’s yours!

Are you reading this going, “Molly? That is so offensive! How dare your pigeon hole people with such stereotypes? And anyways, Molly, you are totally a paragraph 2 pusher, so who are you to talk?”

I know. I know. That’s the point. Who am I to tell you how to live your life?  Who is “The Internet” to push an extreme version of someone’s perfection wrapped-with-a-big-bow definition of success?  Imagine that life is one of those bar charts you studied in stats class.  The online representation of “life” tends towards the outliers, when in actuality, most of life happens within the bell curve. The bell curve? The boring bell curve of reality?  Really?  Yes.  It just does- that’s the whole point of those damn charts!

People get big online when they have a distinct voice, a specific point of view or lifestyle that seems romantic, or exciting, or perfect to the rest of us. And when you hit “online rockstar status” with a certain take on life, you stick to it and promote it as gospel for your readers, clients, followers. Whether your offline life really reflects it or not.

So, I’m here to tell you to stop listening to the Internet to tell you how to live your life.  Live your own life!  Stop comparing your “boring bell curve” life to seemingly perfect online lives!  Create a mish-mash, hodge- podge, perfect reflection of YOU and all your beauty and all your “imperfections.”

‘Cause that’s real life.

Learn how to stand up for what you think is right, to make your unique mark, to have such utter fierce self-love that you can captivate others with your sheer passion.  Make your own rules- and if that means playing by the rules- fine!  You get to choose.

Don’t forget that life changes. Most of us will flip flop between extremes, or find comfort in the middle, or change our minds multiple times on “what we want to be when we grow up”. Most of us don’t fit neatly into one of the above descriptions of an epic or awesome or extraordinary life…

Myself included.

It’s true that I’m living on the road right now, trying my hand at location independence, waking up to daily adventures.  And parts of it are awesome:  biking along Lake Champlain for hours this morning, meeting hilarious old men who invite us to come canoeing in Florida over Christmas, meeting so many members of this small Tribe at workshops, getting to really practice living in the moment.  But also, parts of it suck:  not knowing where my next shower is coming from, continually being a slave to free wifi, not having room or space to just hang out, worrying about what happens when the honeymoon is over…

And though I adore Stratejoy and coaching and writing for now (and YOU!  Hello YOU!)– I try to remember that I can do something different tomorrow. I can start painting.  I can tackle baking and playing with puppies and actually finishing a 365 challenge.  I can get a kick ass corporate gig and learn how to walk in heels again.

I can change my mind.  I can follow my whims.  I can live a life that is not neatly defined on the Internet.

And so can you.

So tell me, what is your “bell curve” right now?  What’s life ACTUALLY like to be you?

illustration credit : write from karen

p.s. Need some pointers on exactly “HOW” you live your own Awesome Life? Join me for an in-person, live, up-close-and-personal workshop in Portland, Maine and Philadelphia or Baltimore!

p.p.s. Who’s doing the Declaration of You eCourse with Michelle Ward and Jessica Swift starting October 25th? I am!  I am!  Join me?  We’ll get more practice standing up for OUR AWESOME LIVES!
And I’m all about that.  Hellz yah.

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Comments (41)

41 Responses to “The Internet is Fake, Or Why You Should Just Get On With Your Own Awesome Life”

  • Renee Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 12:41 pm

    YES MOLLY. THIS IS THE POST I'VE BEEN CRAFTING IN MY OWN HEAD FOR AGES. Caps locks SO necessary.

    I'm so sick of reading about everyone's happy-go-lucky lives. Bite me, it's NOT that great. I'm so disenchanted with bloggers these days because it seems so contrived. Want to know what life is REALLY like? Last night I had too much wine, sushi, and chocolate martinis, didn't sleep because my stomach was absolutely CHURNING, crawled out of bed looking like death, threw my hair in a ponytail, told my students that I had food poisoning as I guzzled a third cup of mint tea, deliberately avoided all my grad school colleagues, drove home, watched two episodes of Weeds, fell asleep on the couch where I drooled and snored, and now I'm finally getting around to my take-home midterm due TOMORROW that I totally intended to have done on Friday.

    THAT'S REAL LIFE.

  • Heather Rae Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 12:49 pm

    Molly, I LOVE this. And I'm so glad you blogged about it. My own life is constantly changing. And I, personally, am constantly evolving. I spent the majority of the past year working on writing a book. Now, I've set that project aside for the moment while I figure some other things out. I plan to keep writing. But I'm also thinking about going back to school, about going back to work for a while, about travel and also about building community and stability. My life is one big hodge-podge of stuff. Sometimes that's glamorous to blog about, and sometimes it's not. I try so hard to put it out there and just be honest…which is easier said than done when I start playing the comparison game and see how other 'successful' bloggers are doing it. You are SO right…don't be a slave to the *fake* internet. :)

  • amysjoy Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    This is such a great reminder. It's definitely easy to get down on yourself when everyone else is blogging about fun and exciting and life changing things, and you've (I've) just spent the weekend sitting on the couch watching tv. I always feel like I'm behind the curve when it comes to the things I want to cultivate in my life, like money management and gardening, so the reminder that EVERYONE has issues is helpful and necessary.

  • SillyJaime Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    I'm a happily (for the most part) married women (though I still tend to think of myself as a girl). I moved 1300+ miles away from my home and my family to be with said husband, and it's a constant source of misery for me so I'm always in the in-between: happy but sad. My husband just (last week) got a job working at a state run home for mentally retarded children and I'm a housewife. We're struggling financially (who isn't?) and we live with his mother. That's whats normal for me. I spend my days playing video games, watching TV, cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. It isn't fabulous or glamorous, but it's my life and I wouldn't trade it for anyone's.

    A lot of the time we put up online only what we want others to see, and the Internet gives us that option. It's normal to want others to like you, but it starts to get bad when you're comparing your life to everyone else and their lives. It gets bad when you assume that all the things they're sharing is everything in their lives. We put people online on pedestals, we want to be more like this blogger or that blogger instead of just wanting to be ourselves. It's pretty common. I used to do it a LOT when I first started blogging. These days I draw inspiration from others, but I'm definitely more focused on me and my life. No one has it all, and if they say they do they're pulling your leg.

  • Angela Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 1:13 pm

    Thank you for this post. This is something that I have been toying with for the past few months. I would read other peeps post or see their pictures and think my life sucks or they are so far ahead of me. It seems there is no in between on the internet people are either talking about how great life is or being big meanies. I love that you encourage us to live life on our terms and set our own rules. It is so necessary. Some days I just want someone to tell the truth like they forgot to pay their cell phone bill or they not so happy today (not tmi, just real). The internet is the biggest show on earth…you can be anything you want to be for the day, hour or year. So choose wisely what you believe.

  • Erin Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    I love this post – it's so true. I love to kid about the 20 or so readers of my blog, but secretly? I LOVE THAT. I love that I can write whatever emotion is on my mind right out of my head and into my journal – and only 20 people read it. Man, just writing that makes me want to write more frequently. Anyway, YES to this post. YES YES YES! It's so daunting to feel like you're supposed to fit into some super awesome category. I don't even WANT to be in a super awesome category! And also – yes, life often sucks. It's a series of peaks and valleys and most of life is spent living in between – on the way up or on the way down. I don't believe the folks who seem to live a life of all peaks.

  • Amy Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 1:37 pm

    I posted a bit about imperfection today, and this post really reflects a similar thing. I hate feeling like my life is "different" — a bit corporate, unmarried, not good at crafting or photography or the like. Just me, being me. And I think that pressure can be really difficult. Love this, love you!

  • David Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    I heart the shit out of this post! And you for having the balls (boobs?) to say it. It’s real and honest and free of perfume to sweeten up the delivery.

    I’m sooo glad I’m not the only one out there that rolls their eyes when everyone and their brother is going on and on about how they are such "rockstars" and lead such rocking lives. Give me a break. It’s easy to look awesome online if that is all you share online – your oozing awesomeness.

    Personally, I love reading blog posts where people step outside their comfort zone (forget about their online brand) and say…"Hey, sometimes I’m a beautiful mess. And this is me." Now THAT is real and relatable!

    While blogging about menstrual pain, dirty faces, or dirty spoons may not initially conjure up a sexy image…the strength behind exposing oneself so openly is very sexy and very admirable.

    Rock on, Molly! :)

  • Ellie Di Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Amazeballs. Just, amazeballs. I've been rolling this around in my head/heart for months, but I could never come up with just the right way to explain it. I think I've been too afraid of the backlash (real or imaginary). When I first came to the blogosphere, I dove into it all headfirst, drinking it all in. At some point, though, I realized that a lot of it is fake. And that hurt. I felt like I'd been lied to, or I had been tricked. Today, I'm still involved, but I'm trying to keep it real, so to speak. We'll see how I do. In the meantime, though, I'm focused on being "small" and not trying to live up to everything the internet is asking me to do and be. Thanks for writing out what I've been thinking.

  • Tiffany Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 1:58 pm

    This is SO true! When I was a kid (and the internet was just catching on…a decade ago) my mom used to tell me that you could "be anyone you want to be online" and I thought she was being a stick in the mud.

    As I have gotten older, she is so right and if you don't back away from it a bit, it is definitely easy to fall into the "everyone is successful and wonderful but me" trap.

  • nblades Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    This is a great post and something that I continue to struggle with as a life coach – and a paragraph 2 peddler! It seems that the internet is brimming with inspiration and advice on how to craft the perfect life but only you can truly decide what is perfect for you. There's only so much inspiration someone can take before they just have to get out there and live their life. Thanks for the great reminder!

  • Erin Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 3:26 pm

    Gah! This is fantastic. I know that Renee and I have had this conversation multiple times. It's so true.

    I really strive to be truly, truly honest about my life in my blog. I've posted about the 900 times someone looked at my hoo-ha in the past year in order to get me knocked up. I've posted my tears. I've posted about the time my husband dropped toothpaste on his…self. I've posted about how much I hate October for being so full of pink crap. And through all that honesty, I've lost and gained readers.

    Do I have an internet persona? Sure. Don't we all? It seems to me that that's the nature of personal blogging. Still, I think that your internet persona should be a true extension of yourself and that your blog should reflect all the aspects of your life…the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly.

  • Amanda Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    I love this! I posted something really similar recently and have really been trying to live by the same idea you talk about – that my life is MINE, and I'm loving it, so why should I feel envious of the seemingly "perfect" lives I see online. They most likely aren't perfect, and even so, their perfection shouldn't take away from how much I love my life!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 7:08 pm

    WONDERFUL post, Molly. I try to be totally honest, but I find myself still candy-coating some of the bad stuff so no one will worry about me or I won't bring anyone down. I also DO compare myself to those stereotypes of "perfect" all the damn time. As if they really exist in reality. Thank you for calling me out (all of us) and challenging me to be more authentic & to love my authentic life for what it is. xx

  • Doniree Says:
    October 18th, 2010 at 9:29 pm

    Nailed it. Thank you for writing this.

  • marianschembari Says:
    October 19th, 2010 at 12:41 am

    I am officially even MORE obsessed with you than I was before – which is probably a little dangerous. I love this post sooooooo much and have nothing else of value to add. You said it all and you rock.

  • Becky Says:
    October 19th, 2010 at 3:49 am

    I really liked this post. I'm doing what I *have* to right now, so that I can do what I *want* to later. My reality right now is working 64 hours a week between my "big girl" job and a part-time restaurant thing. I'm focused on paying off debt (school loans, gah!), saving for a car, aching to travel, and figuring out what I want to do next.

  • JobJenny Says:
    October 19th, 2010 at 8:35 am

    OK, I think I just fell in love with you. This is spectacular. And, hello? I love the word "amazeballs." I'm stealing it from Ellie Di. Really well said. Bravo!

  • Alisha Says:
    October 19th, 2010 at 10:45 am

    Yay!!!!! So happy that someone finally wrote this and is honest about it. It's one reason I step away from reading blogs, ignore Twitter and Facebook for awhile. It's easy to get caught up in how "awesome" everyone else's life is and you begin to hate your own. But in reality, everyone suffers to some extent, right? I just wish more people were transparent…more human.

  • Kristin Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 5:11 am

    Perfectly stated. LOVE this so much!!

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 12:17 pm

    Don't be a slave to the *fake* internet! Love it! And I love that your life is beautiful messy, that you allow space for so many of your passions, that you figure out what you need and go after it. Glamour? Meh. Authenticity? Yes Please.

    (And you know I fall prey to the comparison game as well– That's why I wrote this post! As a reminder to ALL of us!)

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 12:35 pm

    Oh, I love this slice of your life Jaime. It's YOURS. Honest, with love and struggles, and chores- just like all of us.

    "We put people online on pedestals, we want to be more like this blogger or that blogger instead of just wanting to be ourselves." Exactly. It's good for inspiration (if they can do it, I can too!), but not for comparison!!

    Thanks for chiming in, sunshine. I hope the struggle between happy and sad finds a comfortable middle place of comfort for you.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 12:47 pm

    You can be anything you want, but you're the one who has to live with it, eh?! Personal integrity is really important to me- even if that means I'm not the best business person in the world… I hate feeling sleezy and am the worst fibber ever… So when I say I encourage you to live life on your own terms- I mean it. Makes me sooooo happy that it's coming across. THANK YOU, Angela!

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 12:48 pm

    (You know I lover your blog. In fact, I must go catch up right now!!) And YOU ARE YOUR OWN SUPER AWESOME CATEGORY! Let's enjoy those peaks and valleys…

    XOXO

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    Not different– perfectly, uniquely YOU! Or at least that's the challenge, eh? But I think the better we know ourselves, the easier it gets.. I still attempt to buy adorable heels every now and then, but honestly? I cannot do it. I like my boots, I like my bedazzled and blinged sandels, I like my pony sneakers… I must give up the quest to be a heel person.

    And life? It's just like that! :)

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Awh thanks! My boobs and I thank you for the compliment. Real and honest- YES AND YES.

    And oozing awesomeness…. You're right- we'll see what you present, but when it's soooo one-sided, you're obviously not giving us the whole picture. Though, I will admit it's hard when the primary purpose of this site is a business, not a personal blog. (Still working on that balance!)

    From one beautiful mess to another- LOVE your presence here. Rock on, back 'atcha, D.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Sounds like it's been something a lot of people have been pondering about– and yes, I will admit I was all ready for the backlash… Luckily, it seems my Tribe gets me and understands that this is a safe place to say- "I'm done with you *fake* Internet!! I'm just me, just me doing the best I can. And if someone else promises I can make trillions of dollars in 3 months or become a internet rockstar with this simple 5 step formula- I will puke. I demand authenticity and genuine warmth and caring in my relationships- both offline AND online."

    From what I know of you Ellie- you do keep it real. And that? Amazeballs. XOXO

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 12:59 pm

    What a wise mama. I throw my vote to cultivating- we are all successful and wonderful in our own way. And if we want to be/do more- we have that freedom and choice as well!.. p.s. I know I owe you an email re: Atlanta!

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    Paragraph 2 pushers unite! (Although I can easily see myself going to 1 or 3, depending on where life takes me!!)

    "There's only so much inspiration someone can take before they just have to get out there and live their life." I LOVE THIS! This is why I'm one of those online people who doesn't have a google reader (gasp, I know, that's very uncool and way behind of me to admit), but when I need a dose- I know where to go! I have to stay separate from the koolaid most of the time– I've learned that for ME, it's healthier.

    Someone once told me we have to go out and live life so we have something to write about (or experience to refer to when coaching). I've kept that with me- it helps push me off the computer and into life sometimes!

    XOXO

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    "Still, I think that your internet persona should be a true extension of yourself and that your blog should reflect all the aspects of your life…the good, the bad, and the sometimes ugly." AGREED.

    It's funny the little things that get left out of our "internet personas…" I think people might be a little surprised to find out how I'm competitive about ridiculous things (ah, unless you were at Vegas- where I demanded my team run in 100 degrees so we could win the scavenger hunt! And we did. And after Chippendales, no one remembered the sweaty running!) and how I sleep as much as humanely possible and how I love dirty dancing (in actuality, as well as the movie). It's the little quirks that sometimes don't come out online- but it doesn't mean we have to hide them… (Readers, be damned! Measuring your worth via number of subscribers= bad idea)

    LOVE that you've found your peace with it, Erin. Good for you sugar.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Nail on Head. "their perfection shouldn't take away from how much I love my life!" Right on, Amanda! It's like the phrase that I always come back to– RUN YOUR OWN RACE. So appreciate this comment.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Thanks babe. I totally know what you mean- when i'm feeling in a shitty mood- sometimes I let it all out, and other times I try to remember that "I'm supposed to be a motivational example!" So, truly- I get it. It's a interesting balance to walk- but I normally land on the side of authenticity. Thank you for being such a huge part of this site, this journey, this movement. XO

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    Ding! You're welcome.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    You just keep bringing it girl, here and with your biz, and we'll call it all even. LOVE you too!

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 1:16 pm

    Sounds like you're clear on why you're doing what you're doing in this moment- and that is one of the big challenges! But make sure you spend time on really moving towards that "what I want to do next" because this IS LIFE. Right now. Even if you're only adding small bits and pieces of of it- it will help make the now more joyful, more present, more okay. Glad you're here, Becky!

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 1:18 pm

    Thank you ! Thank you ! Looks likes you've got your own dose of "telling it like it is" over on your site, Jenny.

    Let's keep the love happening, eh? I'm such fan of lots of positive energy out in the world, in all it's forms…

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    You and I both, sister. Stepping away from it all is one approach, realizing some of is absurd is another, and simply not caring also works. I such at not caring- so laughing at it and self-imposed breaks work for me!

    Also, just being really selective with the people I do admire online works too!

    Here's to Human. Cause really? That's all we've got.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    Yay! Thank you! Love back 'atcha.

  • Ali Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    So true. So, SO true! After a while, I started to compare my life to these amazing ones (won't mention any here), but who really knows? Nobody but the person writing it.

    I heart this Molly, and after the first audio session for TJE, I heart YOU.

  • Ali Says:
    October 21st, 2010 at 6:33 pm

    So true. So, SO true! After a while, I started to compare my life to these amazing ones (won’t mention any here), but who really knows? Nobody but the person writing it.

    I heart this Molly, and after the first audio session for TJE, I heart YOU.

  • Ruth Says:
    October 22nd, 2010 at 6:07 am

    Of course the internet is not real, not anymore than television ever was, or IS for that matter! And btw: The word is anyway, not anyways..:)…

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