Unsettled, Unmapped, Uncertain

posted 27th October 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: All Posts, Inspiration, Job/Career/Work, Nikki, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3

Los Angeles is moody and so am I.

The clouds are hanging low over LA today with a fog (or is it smog?) blanketing the mountains that just won’t lift.  It’s cold and drizzly and it suits me fine.  I’m not in a bad mood, I’m just in a mood; I’m a little bit quiet, a little bit sulky, a little bit heavy.  Not really unhappy, just pensive.

I have a lot to think about, a lot of decisions to make; every person I talk to since I got back from my all-you-can-jet adventure has asked, “what’s next?  Where are you moving?  What’s your goal?  What job are you looking for?”  And all I can say is “I don’t know.”  I.  DON’T.  KNOW.

Somewhere deep inside me, I know it’s OK that I don’t know what’s next.  Deep in the core of me, I am trusting that things will come into place and that I’ll find the answers in my own time and that where I am now is where I need to be now.

That’s all very zen of me, very positive and inspiring and blah blah blah.  But my brain is FREAKING OUT, people.

For the first time in my life, I have credit card debt, I’m unemployed and directionless.  Nothing, absolutely nothing is calling my name, making me feel any passion whatsoever.  The thought of acting makes me feel frustrated and tired, moving is overwhelming, travel reminds me of my empty bank account, and a “grown-up job” gives me dread-filled heartburn.

Honestly, the only thing that inspires me at all lately is writing for you.

Yes, I realize this is uncharacteristically negative of me.  I’m not depressed, really I’m not, but every time someone asks me the well-intentioned questions of “what do you do” or “what’s your plan now,” I feel like I’ve been given a final exam that’s 90% of my grade, and despite all my hours of studying, I’m drawing a complete blank.  Just like in a nightmare of the same nature, all my fears are magnified.

I’m scared of staying in Los Angeles and getting wrapped back up in thought patterns that make me miserable.

I’m scared that moving somewhere is just running away and won’t actually change anything.

I’m scared of putting my whole self into something (a career, a relationship) and having it fail, end, scar me again.

I’m scared of never even finding anything worth putting my whole self into again.

I’m scared of looking back with regret.

I’m scared of being broke, of getting sick without health insurance, of always struggling.

I’m scared of wasting my life.

I’m scared of always being alone.

I’m scared of being unfulfilled and uninspired, and boxing myself in.

I’m angry with myself for not being able to let these fears go.  I have had a truly remarkable year, and yet when these feelings take over, it’s as though everything amazing I’ve done means shit.  All I can see is what I don’t have.

It’s a struggle to let go and trust.  It goes against everything I’ve ever been taught as an AP Honor Roll student and good kid and responsible adult.  It’s hard when people ask what’s next, expecting a plan of action, and all I can say is, “we’ll see.”  It sounds exciting, I know, and I feel like it should be, and sometimes it is, but more often it’s just this weird state of limbo and waiting.

Am I expecting too much?  Am I being too passive?  Is this trusting patience or is it suspended animation?

I feel like I should (there’s that “S” word again) be taking action, making something, anything happen.  Like I’m being unforgivably wasteful with this time I’ve been given.  But I’m afraid of taking action in the wrong direction when I don’t feel strongly in any direction.

And then sometimes I have this creeping feeling that something absolutely friggin’ AMAZING is just around the corner and this period of inactivity is a break I should savor because the shit (the good shit) is about to hit the fan.

My parents gave me a sculpture by my favorite artist, Brian Andreas, when I graduated High School.  It is an angel, it hangs above my bed, and written on it is: “In my dreams, the angel shrugged and said, if we fail this time it will be a failure of imagination & then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand.”  It has always really inspired me but lately it feels like a warning.

The world is in my palm, and it’s terrifying.  Imagination don’t fail me now.

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Comments (25)

25 Responses to “Unsettled, Unmapped, Uncertain”

  • Natasha Hollerup Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 8:16 am

    I definitely know how this feels. I've been out of sorts since turning down my work-study job. I'm living at home, expected to live how I did when I was living alone, unemployed and broke as hell. It's scary as hell not knowing what's going to happen next and even though we know it's okay that this is the case, our brains are telling us that this is *not* how we were raised and this is not what's expected of us. It's terrifying, but I hope you get through it. I hope you're going to be alright.

  • Heather Rae Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 8:49 am

    This post really speaks to me. I'm in a pretty similar situation myself, and I'm freaked out. I turned down a job opportunity that I thought I wanted but then realized wasn't the right fit. But what the heck am I supposed to do next? A million questions, a million possible answers. And for once in my life, I haven't figured it out yet. And I've been feeling this way for a while now. I'm just hoping this state of indecision and wondering and hanging in the balance ends soon. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're in good company. Perhaps this is the way it's supposed to feel because it seems like a lot of people I know are going through something similar. And I do believe we'll figure it out…even if it's freaky, scary right now. I keep reminding myself not to worry too much about it — because this time next year, I'll have a whole new set of problems. And this will all be in the past. ;)

  • Becky Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 10:16 am

    I feel like this too. Almost paralyzed by not knowing what will happen if I change something about my life. I feel a step in any direction is a good one. Even if it doesn't turn out the be the *right* one. Then you know that's not where you were meant to go. And you can change direction again. But the first step can be the hardest.

  • Lindsey Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 10:32 am

    I FEEL you. So much pressure, from myself, to Be Something, Do Something, etc. And, of course, it has to be the right something, and my days must be full of positive steps towards this right something.

    And it's the worst, knowing that you should just be relaxing, and knowing something good will come and enjoying the time as it is, but not being able to do any of that because you're so panicked and freaking about it all.

    Good luck Nikki. This part is hard, and sometimes lonely. But you are definitely NOT alone in feeling like this!

  • Just Me Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 10:55 am

    As someone who's moved around a ton in the last 5 years, I have to say that moving isn't always about "running away." People tried to convince me I was "running away" from NYC like it was a bad thing.

    "How can you leave? It's the epicenter of the art world? What are you afraid of?"

    But I left anyway. Because I knew that I didn't love living there, just like I knew my first semester of school I was at the wrong college. Moving blows. but ultimately, it's over in 24 hours.

    If LA makes you feel kinda miserable…even 40% of the time, there's another city or town that's going to speak to you. And if you're an artist, you'll still going to glow and succeed no matter where you are.

    Do you meditate? What is your gut, deep down inside…what is it leaning against? When you make an imaginary decision (to move, to stay…) which one does it light up next to?

    You can do this. I know you can. We both can. :)

  • streetlightpeople12 Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Whenever I read your posts, I feel like you're a little bit in my head. Soooo many of the same thoughts and questions and feelings!! And, based on reading these other comments, it seems like a lot of us are in the same boat. I don't think any of us knows exactly where the boat is headed, but I guess what's important is that it's headed SOMEWHERE. Or that we're in the boat in the first place. For awhile I felt like I was standing on the shore, and I definitely have days when I feel like I'm BEACHED up on the shore, but really, I'm pretty sure I'm in my boat, moving along, and that eventually I'll land. I hope that tomorrow, you have an 'in your boat' kind of day… when you can feel the wind on your face and the excitement of the unknown. Because 'standing on the shore' days suck.

  • Marianne_A Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    Hey Nikki,
    I know how you feel being the same age as you, being arts-inclined, and being between jobs / stuck not knowing where to go next. My latest venture? Auditioning for costume characters at theme parks! It's not what I imagined myself doing and I don't even know if it'll work out…but hey. It seems more appealing to me right now than customer service. (Been there, done that). I don't know what my life long-term looks like. I had it all planned out growing up. But I've been thrown for loops like you and I'm trying to take things one day at a time. Hopefully something will work out and we can be happy despite whether we're doing what we planned or not. Good luck!

  • Annie Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 2:03 am

    Honey, I hear you loud and clear. I know we don't actually know each other. But I was always taught that I had to have a job. I've worked at everything and anything. I'm a qualified teacher – I've done everything from working in a cinema, to line managing eighty volunteers for a local charity.

    Debt? Yep have plenty of that. But considering by rights I'm lucky to still be alive, that's a small price to pay. I was ill for months this year and it lead to something of an epiphany. I did go back to my job – then realised I hated it that much I walked. Yet it was that job that led to me having a total nervous breakdown previously. I faced my demons then knew it was time to get outta there.

    At the moment I'm eeking out a living teaching students by Skype. I like it well enough. At least I'm not compromising who I want to be by trying to be something else that other people thought I should be. Been there, done that it doesn't work.

    I'm just waiting for the completion of the sale on my property and then I'm gone. Moving out, to another city. I haven't got a plan other than finding a place to live and getting some teaching work. I know I want to go to back to university, but beyond that I've no idea. But for the first time in a long time that's ok. People think I'm mad, but I'm just trusting that thing will work out.

  • Katie [blogs] Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 7:22 am

    I'm just getting to catch up on all of the back posts now, because, well, I slack ;) Some editor. I KNOW

    At any rate, I can completely relate to "nothing calling your name". I feel that in those moments, it's yourself saying, "focus on yourself. find out what you want…even if its something as simple as a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch".

    When something isn't calling your name its not because you don't know what you want, it's because it's just not time for that part of your life to happen yet.

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 9:30 am

    This speaks to me as well. Lately, I find myself at a crossroads. I think I know what path I want to take, and to truly commit myself to making it on my own, but I'm so afraid of it not working out. Of staying broke and broken forever. But then, I remind myself that I am not broken. I might not have all the answers, but I am definitely here to offer support and virtual hugs.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    I hope you get through it and are alright too! No, scratch that – I KNOW we BOTH will. The fact that we're self-aware and were willing to make the big changes that put us in these weird situations means that we're strong enough to make things better. We're in a scary limbo place, but I have faith in us. Sending you a big hug.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    That is SO true!!! No matter how "stuck" we may feel, we actually are always moving – in one year, we will most likely look back on this period of our lives and think, "geez, I was so freaked out, isn't that funny?" because whatever's going to happen will have happened. I believe we'll figure it out too, I really do. And in the meantime, you're right, we just have to remind ourselves, "this too shall pass" and keep remembering to breathe. :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Wise words, lady. Any step is a good step because you can always pause and gauge how you feel before the next step. And often things that seem like missteps at first actually aren't because they lead you somewhere you never could've guessed. Thank you for that reminder.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    Thank you!!!! It IS the worst – I know that years from now, I'll look back on this year as being A-FREAKING-MAZING because it has been, and I'll probably laugh at myself for wasting so much energy worrying. I have to conciously remind myself to enjoy what's here and trust what will come next, every day. And isn't it funny that here I look at your life & think – effing stellar! on a boat! making things happen! awesome! jealous! – and yet you have the same feelings of pressure that I do. We both just need to see our lives through other people's eyes, slow down and calm down. Everything will be better than fine. And is already. xx

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 1:31 pm

    You're so right, of course. And that's why I'm so proud of you for making the decision you did re LA. You felt it – it wasn't running away at all. I would really love to have that strong of a gut reaction to guide me now. The imaginary decision is a great idea. Thanks, friend. Let's talk soon. xx

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    Perfect analogy! I actually have an image on my vision board of a woman in a boat, all her arms & legs are in the boat and her eyes are open & she's smiling calmy, as the boat tips over the edge of a waterfall. She's trusting. It can be SO freaking scary sometimes to stay in that boat, but yes, it's better than being beached. Thank you, and it sounds like we're drifting side-by-side, so high-five me on your way past sometime. :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Awesome! I've always wondered what that job would be like! You know, the older I get, the more I think it's actually a good thing to not know what my life looks like long-term. Things usually don't go the way people plan – for good reasons – so what's the point in planning? :) The future can be scary but let's just try to be happy, whatever we do. Good luck to you too!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 1:43 pm

    Wow!! I love your story! I'm sorry to hear you were so ill, but it sounds like, strangely, it was a life-affirming moment – Iife is too fragile to not spend it happy. You saying, "at least I'm not compromising who I want to be by trying to be something else that other people thought I should be" really hit me. I find myself struggling with that daily – what my parents expect, what my friends expect, what I used to expect of myself. Good for you!!! You've just inspired me; trusting is hard sometimes (and being looked at like you're insane doesn't help!) but we can do it. xx

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Oh Katie, you just gave me a chill!! "It's because it's just not time for that part of your life to happen yet" – how have I never realized that before? You're so, so right. Thank you. xoxo

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Thank you!! You are NOT broken. We both may have pieces that are cracked, but we're strong, alive and kicking. We won't let fear get the best of us. Virtual hugs right back atcha, sister!!

  • Colter Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 4:31 pm

    If you want to try NYC, I have a spare room you can borrow for awhile. I came up here figuring I would temp for a year and go home. I ended up getting a terrific job and I’ve been here almost three years.

  • Ali Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Wow. WOW.

    If my mind could talk, well…it would say this, verbatim. This resonates with me more than I can even begin to describe. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU. For this.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 11:34 am

    THANK YOU for reading & commenting. Knowing that other people are in the same place (though I don't wish it on anyone :) ) is so very comforting. Sending you love. We can do this.

  • Alisha Says:
    October 31st, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    I totally get ya, lady. I really, really struggle with the same thing (and even mentioned it to Molly last week). It is scary and frustrating to not feel anything. But this period of inactivity–it is all about you just finding yourself. You'll get there. It's a long and winding path (and I don't think it really ever ends). But you'll find what your heart needs.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 2nd, 2010 at 6:12 pm

    Thank you. I think sometimes I expect waaaay too much from myself (and I see that in you too, from your posts, miss perfectionist :) ) including immediate knowledge/decisions. You and the other ladies are so wise, saying it's about finding myself; I think you're really right. I'm not led to anything because it's not time for action. When it is, I will be. And so will you. xo

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