Guts.

posted 3rd November 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: Events, Nikki, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, What I've Learned

I have a confession to make: I’m in therapy.

No, I have never been diagnosed with any sort of mental instability or chemical imbalance; I’m not depressed or manic-depressive, and I didn’t have an overly traumatic childhood.  In fact, I’m generally a pretty happy person.  So why do I go to therapy, you ask?

Now before you go judging me thinking I’m “sooooo LA” and picturing me in big designer sunglasses, texting on my bedazzeled Ed Hardy iphone in sweatpants two sizes too small with JUICY written on the ass while I drone on about me, me, me to my tuned-out therapist, put your stereotypes on hold for a second.

I started going to therapy at the advice of a close friend who had never thought she’d be in therapy.  We both had the attitude of, oh, sure therapy’s great for someone with problems but it’s not for me.  But when she started getting ulcers from anxiety and I hit my QLC, neither of us could navigate through all these feelings alone.  Friends were great, but, let’s face it, no one wants to sit for hours listening to someone else’s problems, and, even more than that, I wasn’t about to pull out my guts and show everyone all my neuroses and fears.  Hell no.

So I started going to therapy.  And I judged myself.  I thought, geez, Nikki, you are such a freaking whiner.  Really, you think she wants to sit here and listen to you talk about how acting sucks and your heart’s broken and your parents are getting a divorce?  Oh waah waah, baby, that happens to millions of people, every day.  Get a real problem.

Then one day I told her that I felt stupid being upset about these things, and that I thought I should just be able to deal with it all on my own, and what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t deal with it all on my own, and I’m sorry that I’m wasting her time with my petty issues.  She looked me straight in the eyes, told me to look at her, to trust her, that these are NOT petty things and I am NOT stupid and that I have every right to be here and every right to feel what I feel.  These are difficult things to deal with, and we’re going to deal with them together.  Period.

From that moment on, I trusted her and started to trust myself.  I am always completely honest in therapy (otherwise, what’s the point?) even when I feel like I’m being silly or melodramatic; there’s always something bigger, deeper, less obvious under those “silly” feelings.  Being in a safe environment like that gives me permission to explore my deepest fears and confront my demons, and I almost always find that whenever I am in a tough spot and have a seemingly impossible question, somewhere inside I know the answer.  I can’t even tell you how many “AHA!” moments I’ve had, or how many times I’ve broken down in pain.

I think it’s ironic that in our society we tend to see people who need therapy or counseling or any sort of help as weak, because when done honestly, it’s one of the hardest things a person can do.  To really face yourself, without pretense or bullshit, to say all the hateful things we tell ourselves in the privacy of our own minds, out loud, to explore the things that keep us awake at night – these take guts.  They are effing scary as shit. It takes a strong person to get through it.

Therapy has made me know myself better than I ever could have without it.   It has helped me understand how my mind works; instead of repeating bad habits, wondering why does this always happen to me, I catch myself and, even if I can’t yet change the pattern, I’m no longer the victim.  It has given me the power to choose my thoughts, the clarity to make big decisions, and the self-love to move forward in a positive direction.

Therapy, for me, is not about changing myself or getting past some roadblock, and it’s certainly not just hollywood-stereotype narcissism.   It is about understanding who I am and what I need at my honest core, growing, accepting, and choosing to be conscious of my thoughts and actions.

[photo: the awesome journal my therapist got me when I left for Australia :) ]

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Comments (17)

17 Responses to “Guts.”

  • Laurie Says:
    November 3rd, 2010 at 8:28 am

    I can 100% relate, Nikki. As a young child, my parents took me to therapy. I was having major issues in school and with my behavior, so I went to a therapist. Then in high school, I went through one of the toughest things any person goes through–I lost my mother. She died when I was 15 and going to therapy helped me realize that it wasn't my fault and that it was okay to feel sad, angry, alone, left behind… the list goes on and on. And now, as an adult, I have a profound appreciation for not only therapy itself and the gift of someone listening to you pour your heart out, but also for the immense strength a person requires to go through therapy in the first place. It helped me through some of the darkest times of my life and I'm truly thankful. It takes one hell of a person to confront their feelings–good for you.

  • Nancy Jane Smith Says:
    November 3rd, 2010 at 9:26 am

    Thanks Nikki for writing such a wonderful honest post! As a therapist–and someone who has been in therapy from time to time-I echo the sentiment that there is nothing more challenging then personal growth–being honest with yourself and your feelings is hard. But the rewards are amazing! It makes me sad that even in 2010 (almost 2011) therapy and therapists get such a bad rap as if it is self indulgent, too much digging up of yours past (not all therapy involves digging up our past!) or narcissistic. I love my job and I love my clients–I am honored that they want to share their stories with me and take the giant risk of opening themselves up to their inner selves. Thanks for having the guts to be you!!

  • Just Me Says:
    November 3rd, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Girl – I've been in therapy on and off for years…your story (again) sounds so much like mine…it's been the thing that's really made me take a hard look at myself and just…grow up.

  • Ali Says:
    November 3rd, 2010 at 3:13 pm

    Beautiful!

  • Mandy Says:
    November 3rd, 2010 at 3:17 pm

    I was in therapy as a teenager – but it wasn't something I really wanted, and I kept up my perfect pretense the whole time. Which made it a waste. Now, when I could benefit from a therapy relationship like you described, I keep making excuses. It's hard to get over those prejudiced ideas about it that so many of us have in this society.

  • Lindsey Says:
    November 3rd, 2010 at 6:27 pm

    Yep. Thank you. I have the same reservations when it comes to therapy… nothing is REALLY wrong with me, why should I even need therapy? The only time I ever tried a therapist, over boy-problems, I hated it. All she wanted to talk about was family issues, when that was the LEAST of my problems.

    But after feeling a need to open myself up, and root out the deep-down stuff, and then finding myself dump way too much onto my friends… I've realized it's time to (wo)man up and see someone who can actually help me work through this, instead of feel overwhelmed by my crazy.

    I even have my therapist picked out! I broke down a few weeks ago when I finally realized how much my lifetime of chronic illness has really affected my self-esteem and general outlook. I read an article by this therapist who had struggled with the same disease as me, and I used an entire box of tissues sobbing in relief and anguish, at realizing I wasn't being a wimp, that my pain was more real that I had ever let myself feel.

    So when the stars align (money! health insurance! living in san francisco!) I will see her. For now, it's relief enough to be able to admit it, that I want therapy.

    Thank you for writing this. xoxo!

  • Doniree Says:
    November 3rd, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    I saw a therapist twice in college because my "silly" problems were just too much to handle – a breakup, upcoming graduation, parent stuff – much like you said you brought with you to therapy. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and to this day is one of those things I wish I'd stuck with.

  • Accidental Olympian Says:
    November 4th, 2010 at 9:58 am

    I love therapy. It's the one thing that keeps me sane, and I wish I could go every week instead of once every two.

    There is nothing weak about needing a little clarity and assistance.

    I wish more people knew that.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 4th, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Thank YOU for being one of the amazing patient kind souls willing to sit and listen and help! I have the utmost admiration & gratitude for my therapist; she gives me a safe place to be honest, and she never judges. I admire you for doing what you do, and I'm sure your clients are grateful to have you. I hope that by talking about it, we can lift the stigma & let people know it's strong to ask for help.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 4th, 2010 at 11:11 am

    Totally – I used to feel like it was silly – I'm an introspective person, I'm self-aware, what is a therapist going to do? But it's amazing how much we get in our own way & someone else can help us navigate through all our thoughts & feelings. I'm so glad you're feeling so much happier. You've been through a lot and I don't think anyone could (or should) go through all that alone. Thank you for sharing your story & your incredible strength.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 4th, 2010 at 11:12 am

    Exactly. Man, I am glad you chose to stay where your gut told you to, but I wish you were in LA so we could get a cup of coffee! :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 4th, 2010 at 11:18 am

    Yeah, if you aren't ready or willing to be completely honest, there's no point in going. I really reccommend just trying it. You don't have to tell anyone; it's taken me a while to be comfortable being this honest about it, but when I started seeing big positive changes in my life, I started wanting to share my experience with others, and by doing so, found a lot of people who were in therapy too, or wanted to be. I haven't found ANYONE judging me like I thought they would. Weigh it – are all the excuses you're making more important than feeling happier, clearer, and having a safe haven? Whatever you choose, I wish you the very best.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 4th, 2010 at 11:22 am

    Please do see someone. We are so hard on ourselves – ie: you telling yourself you're a wimp and your pain isn't real – OF COURSE it's real!!! You're feeling it, so it's valid!! No one should have to suffer through a lifetime of chronic illness under the pretense of being "strong" – there's no shame in asking for help. Thank you for having the guts to admit you want it – it's a big step. xx

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 4th, 2010 at 11:23 am

    Sometimes we just need someone objective to talk to. I'm glad you've had a similar good experience with therapy & if you feel like it's needed still, it's never too late to start again. :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 4th, 2010 at 11:25 am

    Me too. And thank you for letting people know that. Maybe the more we talk about it in a positive light, the more we can break down our society's stigma.

  • Alisha Says:
    November 6th, 2010 at 11:45 am

    Well…you know how I feel about therapy :) I think it's awesome. I would be a total wreck without it. I'm glad you let go of the stigmas attached to it and are enjoying it :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    November 6th, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    Yup! And me too! High five, lovely.

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