Looking Back to move Forward

posted 22nd December 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: All Posts, Events, Inspiration, Life Lesson, Nikki, Season 3, Travel, Travel/Adventure, What I've Learned

2010.  It sounds like the future, doesn’t it?  Twenty-ten.  It doesn’t sound like a real year to me, and yet, it is, and very soon, it will be a real year in my past.  Unbelievable.

The holidays are here and with them comes the end of the year and inevietably, self-reflection.  Preparing ourselves for our winkingly optimisitc new year’s resolution, we look back on our year to see where we went wrong, what we want to do better, what we want to change in the clean slate of next year.  While I’m all for that, and a big fan of positive, purposeful change, I think part of why we all break our resolutions (and SO soon – most years, I don’t even get through January!!) is that we’re forming them from a negative place.  We resolve to eat healthier because we feel fat.  We resolve to work harder because we feel unsuccessful.

What if, instead of focusing on what we didn’t do in the last year, we focused on what we did do, what made us feel happy and alive, and resolved to bring more experiences like that into our lives, so that our ultimate resolutions were to have more of those good feelings, spurred on by happy memories instead of guilt and disappointment?

I’m gonna try it.  2010 has been a freaking ridiculous, cry-until-my-eyes-won’t-open, laugh-until-I-can’t-breathe, terrifyingly joyful year.  There are a lot of things I could resolve to change in my life and be more healthy, more productive, more stable.  But when I think about those things, I feel bad; noticing the lack of them invalidates the amazing year I’ve had.  So, instead, here’s a reflection on my past year and some truly positive intentions/resolutions for 2011.

I intend to trust with an open mind & open heart.

The biggest thing 2010 has taught me is to let go of control.  My whole life, I’ve always had a plan and tried to control how that plan unfolds.  I held on too tightly to the things I thought I wanted and I pushed the things I didn’t think I wanted away too forcefully.  It led to confusion, frustration, and, interestingly, left me feeling powerless.  2010 demolished all the plans I’d made for myself.  It swooped in under the fireworks at Airlie Beach, Australia, picked me up & started running, like I was a football under the arm of the quaterback, and that dude is way too burly to fight.  2010 gave me what I wanted when I didn’t want it; it gave me a job when I was about to leave, an apartment when I was furniture-less, an adventure when I was getting settled.  But, as terrifying as it was to be plowing along headfirst down the football field, it was reassuring to remember I’ve got the QB on my side, and the less I resisted, the more fun it became.

I couldn’t have predicted even a third of this year; it knocked me off my feet & onto my ass more than a few times, but I’m so glad I went along for the ride.  It brought more amazing things than I ever could’ve planned for.  Being open to the unexpected things that pop up in life makes life less of a struggle and more fun, and makes me a hell of a lot happier.

I intend to seek out new experiences.

I started the year across the world from home, living with a family that took me in the first week they met me, taking a road trip with a boy I’d known less than a month.  It continued with a planned move across the country, a road trip to see  the US, which, in the blink of an eye, changed to 10 days roadtripping California with my momma and a month of crashing on friends couches.  I acted in a major feature film.  I moved in with strangers.  I took 6 weeks to fly around the country & see cities I’d never been to and friends I’d been dying to visit.  I started a new job, and got thrown right into the thick of it immediately.  I started writing for Escape Hatcher and Stratejoy, and found this amazing community of people on the internet.

Not every year will be as full of major adventures as 2010 has been, I realize.  If they all were, I’d probably end up having a mental breakdown just from pure exhaustion!  But I want to keep in mind that experiencing new things on a fairly regular basis keeps me from getting bored & feeling stagnant.  Even if it’s just taking a Saturday to explore an LA neighborhood I haven’t been to, or learning something new just for fun, I need to create adventures for myself to keep myself feeling fulfilled & creatively challenged.

I intend to be patient & remember that my path is specific to me.

Most of the anxiety in my life comes from me comparing myself to other people.  I look at my friends lives, especially those that are married with career-type jobs, and I feel like I’m not where I “should” be.  But when I was traveling this year and really in the moment, I felt so happy, and really felt a clarity that I am exactly where I need to be and everything is unfolding in its own time.  If I’d forced myself to have the life I thought I was supposed to have, I wouldn’t have been able to take most, if any of the opportunities that came my way this year.  Not to mention, I’d probably be miserable!

It can be hard to hold onto sometimes, but I will keep reminding myself of how it felt to scuba dive the reef, to cruise down the CA coast, to kayak Austin, the thrill of having no idea what’s next or who I’ll meet – to combat those days of low-down-dirty shoulds.  I’ve never dreamed of a normal white-picket-fence life, and even when I do have a career & a family, it will be my way, because it’s my unique life.  I’m exactly where I need to be, right here, right now, and it’s incredible.

2010 has been what I needed it to be and I trust 2011 will be too.  It’s been a year of feet on the dashboard, toothy smiles and too-loud laughs, sing-alongs, hammocks, looking down on the clouds, long hugs, dreams fulfilled, anxiety and excitement, new friends, old friends, take-offs and landings, Skype calls, ridiculous parties, nesting instincts, nomadic whims, writing and writing and writing.  It’s been a year for me to wander and a year for me to sit still.  2010 has made me grow and made me think; it’s prepared me for the hailstorm of joy & productivity that 2011 will bring.  And I can’t wait.

[photo: new years 2010 in Australia - I'm far right]

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Comments (12)

12 Responses to “Looking Back to move Forward”

  • Natalie Says:
    December 23rd, 2010 at 7:38 am

    Thank you for this post, Nikki! I, too, struggle with living by comparison and wondering what I "should" be doing. Your post inspired me to remember that every path is different, and all that matters is that I do what I can, with what I have. Turns out that "follow your heart" stuff from 3rd grade is dead on!

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    December 24th, 2010 at 3:04 pm

    I too have a comparison problem. I think that's the hardest lesson to learn..that our paths are specific to our lives…not the lives of our peers or those our parents wish for us.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    December 26th, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    Girlfriend- I think this is beautiful. We all share so many of the same struggles, eh? Do I keep pushing? Or do I accept what is? Do I try to point my life in the direction I want? Or do I keep my eyes open to possibility? To goal set or not? To manifest or not? To choose action or joy rides or safe choices or crazy dreams?

    LOVE how you've worked this out in your own head, for yourself. LOVE the Intentions you've set up for yourself. LOVE the permission you're giving others to create their own version of 2011. XOXO

  • Elyse Says:
    December 28th, 2010 at 10:19 am

    "Most of the anxiety in my life comes from me comparing myself to other people."

    You hit THAT one on the head! My god, the calm I would feel if I stopped worrying that my life didn't match everyone else's around me!

  • deebuzzing Says:
    December 29th, 2010 at 9:41 am

    WOW! Once again, you've put into words all of the thoughts that have been swimming around my head that I haven't had a chance to organize. Love all your posts, all the time! Can't wait to see what comes of your personal blog :)

  • Alisha Says:
    December 29th, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Ooooo patience on the path. That is definitely something I need to work on as well. I hope 2011 brings you more adventure.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 2nd, 2011 at 7:40 pm

    Absolutely. Big, tough, awesome lesson to learn. :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 2nd, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Yeah, it's hard to keep in mind, but SO worth it. No good comes from "grass is always greener" – we are where we need to be, and we are rad.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 2nd, 2011 at 7:41 pm

    Thank you, Molly. LOVE you, too. xoxoxo

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 2nd, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    I know!!!!! Let's try it. Just try, this year, to let that comparison go – whenever it sneaks in, shut the door on it. We are where we are for good reasons; let's enjoy & appreciate it.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 2nd, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    Thank you so much!! I'm so very glad you relate – makes me feel so much better to know I'm not alone. :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 2nd, 2011 at 7:45 pm

    Patience is one of the hardest things ever. But like anything, it just takes practice. :) I think 2011 will give me totally different adventures, and you too.

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