Passing notes in homeroom (or, a letter to my 16 year old self)

posted 1st December 2010    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: All Posts, Life Lesson, Nikki, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, Tips & Tools, What I've Learned

Dear Nikki aka Lauren aka Nikki-Lauren aka Lauren-Nikki aka Niklecha,

Happy sweet 16!  It’s a milestone birthday and you did it up right; you’ll never forget that party.  Remember when Amanda & Victor chugged those sodas, and the cake fight?  You slow-danced to “your song” with your first real boyfriend.  You feel like life is just beginning, and it is.

I’m writing to you from the edge of another milestone birthday – your 30th.  I know!!  You got old!! Those 14 years are an unfathomable gap to you, but they’ve given me a lot of insight that I’d like to share with you.

I know you feel like you don’t fit in with the cool kids and your best friend does, and it makes you feel self-conscious and dorky.  Bad news, love, you’ll never fit in with the cool kids.  You’re a dork.  Own it.  You being yourself, in all your crazy clothes, artsy-fartsy tendencies, and cheesy jokes, is going to get you some of the very best friends you could ever hope for. Don’t underestimate these friendships, don’t discount yourself by saying you don’t know why they like you – these people love you for you.  Know it, believe it, and hold onto it.  They will give you strength when you need it.

There will come a day when you think it’s time to “grow up” and get “adult clothes” and take things seriously, because you think someone you love expects it of you – he doesn’t.  Twenty-three is not old, and trust me, you’re going to regret giving away that vintage gingham dress.  And yes, I said “he” and “love” in the same sentence; we’ll get back to that.

Don’t hate your body, and don’t feel guilty about hating your body.  You are beautiful; stop standing in front of the mirror criticising.  It’s a waste of energy.  No one is perfect, even if they seem like they are.  In a few years, a guy will tell you you’re “stunning” every day for two months; believe it when it happens & believe it now.  Treat your body with respect, it deserves it.

You either just went to Austria or are about to go…?  Oops, spoiler alert.  :)   Either way, it instills in you a love of travel that feels desperate sometimes.  Don’t worry, you’ll travel again.  A lot.  Don’t let people tell you you’re being selfish or wasteful by traveling; it’s going to teach you invaluable lessons about yourself.  And don’t be scared; you’ll learn you’re a lot stronger than you’ve ever been given credit for.  Even if it seems like no one else sees this, know it yourself: you are strong.  You can get through whatever is put in front of you.  You’re going to need that knowledge later, big time.  Oh, and in Rome, I know the “resort” with a pool seems nice but trust me, it’s an Italian trailer park in the middle of nowhere.  Spring for a hostel.

Be nice to your brother.  He’s going through a tough time & I know you’re busy with classes and friends and theatre, but try to show him that you love him more often.  I know he annoys you right now, but he grows into a really great person that you’re proud to call your brother; get started on that early.  Your family’s going to go through some rocky times; remember that they all love you and let yourself feel what you need to feel.  Don’t worry about this now, but just know, it’s ok to be sad and angry and to need to talk to someone about it.

When you get to college, call Sara Ruffner.  She needs a friend.  It won’t change anything, but just do it.  It will make you feel better.

You want to fall in love, so badly.  You think unrequited love is the most romantic thing ever – why??? – and you’re about to find out how very not true that is.  Over and over.  Do yourself a favor & stop thinking about it; daydream about a real relationship instead.  You have a bumpy road ahead of you, where love is concerned; your first love letter comes in a really sad form, but don’t let that inform all your relationships.  It’s not your fault, it’s not your responsibility, and he’s fine now, honestly, so let it go.

You will fall in love, hard.  It will feel just as wonderful as you imagine and more terrible than you ever thought.  It will be like at first sight, and yes, he likes you back, it just takes him a while to let you know.  You won’t say “I love you” until you mean it, and you’ll take things at your own pace; I’m proud of you for that.   You will make a lot of sacrifices for him, and most of them will feel worth it, but listen to your gut and tell him what you need from him.  I know it’s really hard; you’ve never had to talk about emotional stuff before, but learn how to be honest, and be honest with yourself, too.  There will come a time when you pray and pray about what to do; don’t ignore what your gut is telling you just because it’s not what you want to hear.  This is the time to be strong and do what’s best for you, even if it feels like your heart is breaking – and will be breaking – you will be better for it.  Oh, and when the apartment becomes an issue, just break the lease; don’t play martyr.  You’ll understand when it happens.

You are allowed to change your mind.  It is ok to not do what everyone expects of you.  Drama is temporary, always; don’t get caught up in it.  There will come a time when you feel like your whole world is falling down around you, and it is, but remember it’s only making way for a new, better life.  Trust how you feel and give yourself a break.  You’re going to get a lot of grief about decisions you make; remember it’s your life, and just keep in mind it all brings you here, where I am, which is pretty good.

Remember that time you watched that show where the girl was like, “I hated who I was at 16; I wish I could just erase her” and you said to mom that you hoped you’d never feel that way & that you like the person you are & you think you’d want to be friends with her?  I still like the person you are, and I like the person you become.  Love yourself on this crazy journey, and be patient with yourself.  Don’t worry when it doesn’t look how you thought it would; believe me, you have an incredible life.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

nikki

[photo: me on my 16th birthday]

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Comments (11)

11 Responses to “Passing notes in homeroom (or, a letter to my 16 year old self)”

  • Alisha Says:
    December 1st, 2010 at 8:28 am

    First, OMG. You look so young. I guess 16 is young, right? But it seemed like such a big birthday back then.

    I love this part: "trust how you feel." Man, oh man, could we have saved ourselves a lot of ache if we had only done that.

    Thanks for sharing :)

  • juliana johnson Says:
    December 1st, 2010 at 10:22 am

    awesome!

  • sarah greenwood Says:
    December 2nd, 2010 at 12:06 am

    Thank you sooooo much for continuing to write Nikki!!! I read this and felt like i should write to a 25yr old me (i'm 26 now!!!) because everything i seem to be going through at the moment happened in the last year! I read your blogs and it does remind me that even though it feels like my world is falling apart (and yes it really really is) something WILL come along and fix it back up again. Its just hard most of the time to keep telling myself that, because when you keep getting rejected (by the one person i actually care about that is directly involved in my life right now, as well as immigration, and all the jobs i have applied for and not got responses from) i can't help but feel that no-one out there cares and my life is going to be a mess of stressing about a guy, or a visa, or not getting a job somewhere.

    i know i need a change in my life, but i don't want to leave the place i have worked soooo hard to stay in, without a fight. i just don't know what that change is right now, and i'm terrified that its never going to come, and i'm going to be stuck in this rut until i finally explode!

    Keep writing nikki, and remember you are helping so many people but sharing your feelings and life. If only i could get a US work visa, i'd come and hang out in LA and we'd go diving every weekend!!!!!

  • Victor Trac Says:
    December 2nd, 2010 at 6:18 am

    I'm glad I saw this because I completely forgot about soda chugging. :)

  • Taylor Says:
    December 3rd, 2010 at 11:48 am

    Oooh I truly truly love this! I've written letters to "future Taylor" but I've never tried this. Looking back at everything I did and didn't do always amazes me. If only we knew what we know now, right?

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    December 3rd, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    I know, isn't it funny how we always think we're so grown-up and know so much, only to look back a few years later & think, man, I was so little & had so much to learn…? Good thing to keep in mind, I think.

    I'm still working on trusting how I feel; it's the simplest thing in the world but sometimes so hard to do.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    December 3rd, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    no, YOU are! :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    December 3rd, 2010 at 3:21 pm

    Ha ha!!! I have a picture of it – I should scan it into FB. :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    December 3rd, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    If only!!! But I guess that's life. It's really cool to look back & notice how much I've grown & in what ways I'm still the same. I will definitely try writing a letter to my future self – thanks for the idea!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    December 3rd, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    I'm so glad that you're finding some strength in what I write. It means SO much to me to hear you say this. I hate that you're going through such a tough time, but sweetheart, keep remembering that if your life is falling apart, it's only to make room for something infinitely better (I promise!!) and you have to let go of what is there to be able to grab onto what's coming. When you feel like no one cares, think of me – I care, always, and am thinking of you. PLEASE come to LA (even just for a vacation!) and we will dive in kelp forests off the channel islands to our little hearts content. I miss you, I'm rooting for you, and I love you. It will get better. xoxoxoxoxoxo

  • Lori Luza Says:
    December 6th, 2010 at 8:26 am

    "Drama is temporary, always…"

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