Managing My Melancholy

posted 5th January 2011    Written by: Nikki    CATEGORY: Inspiration, Life Lesson, Nikki, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 3, Tips & Tools, What I've Learned

Bad days.  Icky, craptastic, sucky, vomit, I-just-wanna-lay-in-bed-and-cry, shit days.  We all have them.

Sometimes I know what’s bothering me, and sometimes I just wake up feeling indeterminably down.  It’s like a stormy raincloud is following me around and with each soggy step, thunder rumbles in my head; there’s just no cheering me up.

I don’t have any ways of yanking myself out of a funk like that.  Usually when they happen, I just trudge through them, fighting back tears at my desk or letting myself scream it out, alone in my car, waiting til I can pull the covers over my head and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

It’s a deep hole, and when I’m in it, it’s hard to see the sunlight and there’s no use trying to convince myself I can scale the steep walls to get out.

BUT these funks are never permanent, and although I haven’t been able to find sure-fire methods of ending them, I have learned how to deal when I’m in them, and how to keep them from growing longer or more frequent.

I channel John Lennon and LET IT BE. Denying how I feel, playing Pollyanna (“I’m great!” just comes out sounding sarcastic), or getting upset and frustrated with myself for feeling bad just makes me feel worse.  When I’m having a bad day, I’m not allowed to say, “what’s wrong with me” or “get over it” – I am allowed to say, “I feel rotten” and “I am in a terrible bitchy-ass mood” and “I just want to punch everyone.”  Of course, I mostly say these things to myself; I try not to splash people with my rainy day as much as I can help it.

When I can admit to myself I feel horrible and just allow myself to feel it, I’m not fighting against myself.  There’s nothing less productive than fighting yourself; struggling to deny or change how you feel is like punching yourself in the face, and no one wants to look like Ed Norton in Fight Club.  And, since I’m aware of how I feel & not fighting it, every once in a while I actually end up laughing at myself because I’m being so ridiculously grumpy.

I stop and ask myself WHY. What brought on this mood?  Even on days where I feel like I just woke up possessed by Oscar the Grouch, there’s always something underneath it, and usually it’s something seemingly small that can be easily dealt with once I recognize it.  The worst feeling is “I don’t know why I’m so upset!!”  It carries with it feelings of powerlessness, desperation and futility that are not only completely unhealthy, but untrue.  We DO have the power to change how we feel, always, even if it’s just tiny bit by tiny bit.

It’s easy to say, well I feel this way because my life is a mess (sniffle sniffle sob self-pity), but really dig in there – why are these feelings coming up so strongly now, today?

Sure, there are a lot of things in my life that could use some improvement, but usually when I really take an honest look at how I’m feeling on a bad day, I find it’s stemmed from a remark someone made or some small experience I had recently that struck me the wrong way & has lodged in my mind like a poison arrow.

If I can pinpoint the wound, I can dig out the arrow & start to heal.  Usually, when I discover the why, I find it doesn’t merit all the dramatic attention I’m giving it, and it almost immediately improves my mood.

I TALK and/or write about it. I have an overactive brain; I over-think everything and have a hyper-active imagination.  So letting bad feelings build up inside me and run away with my thoughts is the easiest and worst thing I can do to myself.  I call it “tornado brain” when my thoughts get so out of control that I’m just going around & around in a cyclone of bad feelings and negative thoughts, and it’s swirling so fast I can’t grasp the why & I can’t let it be.  When this happens, the only way to combat the storm is to let it out.

Sometimes it’s sufficient to write in my journal; sometimes I need to talk it out with my mom or my therapist.  Whatever it takes, I have to get it OUT of my brain, because often, when my thoughts hit the harsh light on the page or are breathed and formed into words, they sound plain idiotic.

I’ve laughed through tears innumerable times at how problems that seemed unresolvable in my head, once spoken, become so simple and even absurd.  We are amazing creatures; deep down, we always know why we are feeling what we’re feeling, and what we need to change it.  When I allow myself to delve deep down and purge, I usually hit that core knowledge and always feel a lot better.

Bad days are part of being human; I don’t expect to ever not have them at all, but as long as I know how to deal with them, I know I can always get through them.  In fact, now that I think about it, I’d probably be a much less self-aware person without them, so there’s even something in our bad days to be grateful for.

[photo source]

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Comments (22)

22 Responses to “Managing My Melancholy”

  • sarah Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 8:08 am

    Thanks for this post. It's good to know I'm not alone in those days :) It's amazing how similar I can feel. That spinning out of control, and once it starts its very hard to stop. Thanks for the tools to dig out of the funk.

  • Jenny Wamsat Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 9:06 am

    very insightful! this will help me the next time I have a bad day!

  • Just Me Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 9:07 am

    On those types of days, I allow myself pizza and a 9pm bedtime.

  • Wee C Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 10:34 am

    Awesome post! The writing it down part is critical. CRITICAL. When you write down what you're feeling, even if it doesn't seem to make any sense when you start writing, you will almost always achieve some form of clarity once you're done. The key is to let the words flow, to not be embarrassed by what you're writing and to assume that no one else but you will ever read what you've written. And it doesn't matter what you write it on, whether it's messy or pretty, or whether you crumple it up and immediately throw it out. It's simply an exercise of exposing the demons and making them own up to what they're doing, rather than giving them a safe place to nestle away and build a home.

  • Alisha Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Yes. I need to get better at letting myself cry it out. And it is so funny how once you actually say things out load how silly our "problems" sound.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    You are absolutely NOT alone – but I get it, I'm glad to know I'M not alone too. :) Hope these suggestions help get you through your next down day.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Thanks, friend!! I hope it does help! xo

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 1:52 pm

    Oh yes, that'll help too, fo sho. :)

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 1:54 pm

    I absolutely agree! And you're right, the key is to not be embarrassed or judge what you're writing – if you judge, you're just getting in your own way & shutting down instead of letting it flow out. Thanks for expounding on this; I couldn't have said it better!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Thanks, love! xoxo

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 1:56 pm

    Let 'em flow, sister!! Tears, that is – they can be so healing. Yes, it's amazing how much power we take away from our deamons just by talking about them. xo

  • Ash Says:
    January 5th, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Oh man, "tornado brain" is about the most accurate description I've ever heard. I usually refer to my (very similar) patterns as Funkzilla. Totally monstrous at first, but when you step away, it's really just a plastic toy from a gum machine wreaking havoc on a paper city.

    Thanks for sharing about your no-good-very-bad-day coping mechanisms. I agree that letting the Tempest out of the teapot is critical. Letting of steam is so important. And steam can be so very productive – think about all those steam power locomotives in the old west!

    xo

  • Natalie Says:
    January 6th, 2011 at 7:08 am

    My mantra is "own the feeling, express the feeling, move on from the feeling." Denying that something makes you unhappy is toxic, but so is dwelling too much on it. There's nothing a good cry, a glass of wine, and a solo viewing of "The Notebook" won't fix! (Cut to me last night…)

  • erinmakesitwork Says:
    January 6th, 2011 at 8:11 am

    Perfection! I am a crier and realized that sometimes, especially on those days when I am not sure what is wrong with me, the best thing I can do is just cry it all out. Letting it be is not easy for me, but it is truly the only way to get through it. Thank you for this.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 6th, 2011 at 11:46 am

    I LOVE "Funkzilla" – absolutely accurate; it's terrifying at the right camera angle (in the movie of your brain) and harmless in reality. :) I'm using that from now on… And steam locomotives, what a great way to look at the power we really have! Thanks for sharing your brilliant perspective with me!

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 6th, 2011 at 11:47 am

    I'm absolutely going to remember & write down that mantra. Perfect.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 6th, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Me too, sister!! xo

  • Juliana Says:
    January 7th, 2011 at 8:59 am

    I am having one of those days today, and just reading this post and all the comments made it a bit better.
    Me and Funkzilla are gonna go get some chocolate, now. ;)

  • Ali Says:
    January 7th, 2011 at 9:58 am

    YES.

    That is all.

  • Lindsey Says:
    January 9th, 2011 at 8:43 pm

    I totally suffer the hyper-active brain syndrome. I have a ranting habit – whenever I am confused or lost or stuck I just write. I call it a "mind dump" because it's really what happens. Sometimes I feel bad about the people I mind dump on so I make it a habit to to it regularly. If I don't get the words out of my head somehow they are like this crazy bomb waiting to go off on an unassuming friend. And yes, my bad days make me way more self-aware, and usually end up with me feeling grateful, but humbled.

  • nikki_klecha Says:
    January 10th, 2011 at 4:59 pm

    SO TRUE – if I don't get it out, "mind dump," I end up taking it out on someone who doesn't deserve it, or at least doesn't deserve it in THAT way. :) good point.

  • Vijaya Says:
    October 13th, 2011 at 8:34 am

    I'm a crier too – it took me a long time to own the fact that some women are emotional beings, and crying helps. and writing helps. and friends. and wine. and wedging out. You have to do what works for you, without giving a damn about what anyone else thinks.

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