Anxiety, Variables, and a Clean Slate

posted 15th February 2011    Written by: Amanda    CATEGORY: Amanda, Family, Job/Career/Work, Quarterlife Crisis, Season 4

When folks find out they’re going to be having a baby, it’s time to set up shop in an appropriate dwelling somewhere in the suburbs, far away from the hustle and bustle of a busy metropolis. After all, isn’t that the ideal place to raise a baby?

I’d been dreaming of a life in the city since I was little, and considering I’d been waiting out the last three years in the suburbs, I wasn’t about to let a little thing like a baby stop me from achieving that luscious goal. And so, instead of running away from city life, I decided to run towards it.

It’s immeasurably difficult to determine the needs of a growing family before the family has, well, grown. As is, the best Mike and I can do is plan around finances and more visceral, immediate needs. The most immediate being that I needed a maternity doctor that I could trust and breathe easier knowing that she (or her team) would be in the delivery room with me for the birth of my first baby. ‘Cause, y’know, I’m terrified of that whole bit.

I couldn’t do that while stuck in the suburbs as bureaucratic red tape threatened to strangle our little family before it even got started.

With that in mind, we started looking for a two bedroom dwelling that was in a good neighbourhood and had room to grow a bit. Real estate prices in the City of Glass are the highest in Canada (yes, even including the sprawling cities of Ottawa and Toronto) so purchasing was out. Even renting was going to be a doozy with those kinds of prices.

We looked.

We looked and we looked and we looked.

By the time the middle of January hit, we despaired. The deadline to get our information into the hospital I wanted to deliver at was fast approaching and we had nadda to show for it.

Panic ensued.

I had problems sleeping.

What in the hell was I going to do if I didn’t have a baby doctor? Get a midwife and deliver the baby at home? Truth telling, although that option works for some women, I sure as shit knew it wasn’t going to work for me. Something about being firmly entrenched in science and having a deep and profound respect for highly-trained professionals? Nah, more like it makes me nervous not to know all the details.

So, as I sat up at night, afraid of all the x’s and y’s in my baby birthing equation, I contemplated and, some would say, brooded (lends credence to my claims of being Batman). Part of me craved — no, needed — answers. The other part of me was so paralyzed with fear that inaction became my middle name. I wanted to embrace this anxiety of unknown variables and, if it was a problem that would only affect me, I would’ve been more inclined to take a deep breath and plunge.

But this… tiny creature needed to be protected, which meant that I needed to be proactive instead of reactive. It also meant that I had a lot of undue panicking under my belt while Mike picked up the pieces and, y’know, found a place for us to live. Panic stopped choking me. I could sit back and sort out some of these things called priorities. Well, in theory.

I’ve let a lot slip through my fingers over the last four months while I adjusted to this whole pregnancy bit: projects (both personal and work-related), people (did I mention that I became a temporary hermit?), and places (for the love of cupcakes, will you look at the state of this apartment?). I’m in the midst of rectifying the plethora of screw-ups that went about masquerading as pregnancy haze.

New dwelling. Clean slate. Tally-ho and sally-forth, Jeeves. Onward.

Photo Credit: Pope Jon

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Comments (13)

13 Responses to “Anxiety, Variables, and a Clean Slate”

  • Big L Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 10:01 am

    Our environments sure do have a big impact on how we feel and focus. I'm so thrilled you sorted yours out and feel in a better place to become baby ready! As for the screw ups, don't worry, we all make them…especially when the universe throws us a big curve ball :-)

  • Erin Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    "When folks find out they’re going to be having a baby, it’s time to set up shop in an appropriate dwelling somewhere in the suburbs, far away from the hustle and bustle of a busy metropolis. After all, isn’t that the ideal place to raise a baby?"

    I could hardly read the rest of your post after that quote. Is that really what people still think about having a baby? It's such an antiquated belief, and it really belittles our roles as mothers. It makes motherhood seem so stale, so bland, so one-size fits all. In actuality, motherhood is extremely diverse, vibrantly colored, and far more amazing than one could ever imagine….regardless of where you choose to raise your children

  • amandafarough Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    Agreed that it's totally antiquated!

    I'm sorry that it rubbed you the wrong way.

  • Naomi Niles Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    If it makes you feel any better, we haven't cleaned our apartments for weeks. And I'm not even pregnant. Good lord I hate to see how it'll be when I am. I'm already nervous!

    Onward and upward! You're doing great. :)

  • Natasha Hollerup Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 7:34 pm

    I agree with what you're saying, but I also agree with what Amanda is saying. When I got married, I thought I had to be Mrs. Suzy Homemaker and be a great wife, even though that's in a dream world. I knew that I was having an antiquated belief about marriage when I told my mother that my relationship would be 50/50. She damn near laughed at me. So, some people forget motherhood, marriage and life altogether is so diverse and wonderful. I know I did and it bit me on the butt, but I do dream about having a nice house with a large backyards for the kids to play around in and to hold family events. :)

  • amandafarough Says:
    February 15th, 2011 at 9:40 pm

    Honestly, the statement was mostly sarcastic and, at the same time, painfully honest. The only mamas I knew were suburban and… similar. It was terrifying. I knew I couldn't be that person. I knew that even if I tried, I'd fall flat on my face and never get back up.

    I don't love the idea of the suburbs. I don't love the idea of a giant house with a huge yard. But for a long time, my family would tell me that the city is no place to raise a family. I thought as soon as I got pregnant, I'd have to move back to my hometown and just… exist.

    But I didn't want that.

    So, although the belief is antiquated, it was real to me until I moved to the big city when I started to meet women that were completely different. And interesting. And amazing.

  • Big L Says:
    February 16th, 2011 at 5:02 am

    That's the main thing, honey. Whatever belief felt real to you is what matters! You may not have liked it, it may not have resonated, it may have seemed so old school – but if you feel like there is an expectation or norm that is pressuring you to be a certain way, IT'S VERY REAL. That's the point of this whole journey.

    Are the only moms in North America suburban and identical? Of course not! But if that's what you were seeing most often in your immediate world, then that's your point of reference. It can be tough to try to create an alternative reality for yourself when you can't look around and see it. I've been there. HELL, I AM THERE. I may not be having a baby, but I'm building a business and planning a wedding that I want to be totally different than what I see around me. And it ain't easy.

    So I feel you. And I know lots of other people feel you, too!

  • Kate Says:
    February 16th, 2011 at 7:53 am

    Clean slates are always great. New beginnings, new memories! And you know, it's definitely okay to let things slip through the cracks as you prepare for the Zombaby. I've been letting a whole ton of stuff slip through the cracks as I prepare for Prague. Keep your focus on what's important and what brings you happiness, and the rest will fall into place.

  • Molly_Hoyne_Mahar Says:
    February 16th, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    OMGosh people! I love this lively discussion!

    "In actuality, motherhood is extremely diverse, vibrantly colored, and far more amazing than one could ever imagine" I cross my fingers that you're right Erin! I sooo want that to be true!! And I've spent enough time considering motherhood, that I've sought out examples of the kinds of mama I'd want to be…. So, I have comfort that I can be a world traveling, play-loving, semi-urban mama! But without doing my very conscious research- I wouldn't have had the exposure to those kinds of moms.

    Amanda- you were a bit surprised by the timing, right? You probably hadn't even considered what kind of mama/home/family you wanted to create! I totally get that fear/assumption that crept in. I know that the place I grew up (Hello Montana!) thinks it's crazy that I live in a big city at all. So to raise kids? Way too crazy! Where will my kids play? How will they learn to ski and to hunt and to um, play in the mud? Not everyone of course, but enough that loads of my high school classmates are moving home to raise their kids, regardless of where they spent the last 10 years. So- I hear you sweetie.

    Love this discussion people. Keep it up!

  • Erin Says:
    February 16th, 2011 at 6:58 pm

    I find it the, "ugh, suburbs" mentality very pervasive on the internet, especially amongst 20-somethings. There seems to be this idea that that type of suburban existence is this horrifically suffocating, dull, bland type of life. And for it's not the life for everyone. But moms, no matter where they live come in all shapes and sizes. I live in the suburbs in a house with a fenced in yard. I have two crazy dogs, and 5 month old twins. I'm the mom that survived infertility, works full time, pumps exclusively, and sings Beatles songs to her daughters. My neighborhood is full of moms, and while we may live in the same place, we don't share the same story, or the same beliefs about raising children. I get very frustrated with this idea that certain types of lives are exciting, and others are not. I find my life to be exhilarating. It might not be the life for you, and that's fine, but that doesn't make it any less amazing. My point is that, it's not about where you make your life, but how you make your life. You can live an exceptional life anywhere.

    This comment isn't really directed at this post, by the way, but more at an attitude that I've noticed all over the internet as of late.

  • Kat Says:
    February 17th, 2011 at 11:59 pm

    I totally admire you Amanda for wanting to do what you think is best for you and your family. You can't be a great mom unless you take care of yourself first, and if that means filling your desire to be in the city then so be it. Defying the status quo to live life on your terms – isn't that partially what the QLC is about? Thousands, even millions of women have raised their babies in big cities, so good luck on your journey. :)

    And also, I can relate about wanting to find the right doctor. Plan for the unexpected though. I loved my doctor, but she told me the morning I gave birth "If you go into labor this weekend, I can't be there cause I'm taking my kids to Disney World". Sad as I was, by the time my baby was ready to come out, the freakin janitor could have done it I was in so much pain I didn't care who it was, lol. Just sayin, that was my experience. ;)

  • amandafarough Says:
    February 18th, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Good point, Kat! My doc does this really neat thing called "Meet the Team", where I meet the other doctors on her team of specialists. If it happens that she can't deliver ZomBaby, one of the other ladies will. And I'll have met them beforehand!

    So, I'm definitely stoked about that. <33

  • amandafarough Says:
    February 18th, 2011 at 1:26 pm

    Mwah. Thanks sugar. <33

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